Computer Geek still in the lead

I know I said the men have all taken a step back... At least the ones that were possible relationship candidates. One person has stayed at the forefront of my affections and that's Computer Geek. Though he was never really a candidate it doesn't change the fact that I still have a considerable crush on him. He's such a sweetie and there really is just something about him that draws me to him, he just brings a smile to my face.

I think the most surprising thing for me was when I had a nightmare last week. It was horrible. I couldn't shake the creepiness I felt. I rebuked the enemy multiple times, prayed in my tongue, even called my mom at 4:30 in the morning to pray with me. It was one of the worst nightmares I can remember. But the dream wasn't all that bad, it was the creepiness that I couldn't seem to shake that got to me more then the dream itself. When I finally felt a little light hearted I tried to keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to avoid visuals of the worst parts of the dream from coming to the forefront of my mind. Computer Geek was the one thing that made me feel calm, memories of our chats or moments at work. Even work in general was the one thing I could focus on and eventually fall back to sleep.

Anyways, Computer Geeks friendship means a lot to me. There is a joy that he brings to my life that I hope never gets taken away. I know there is a high chance that it could. As with most relationships, people come and go, but there are those people that leave a lasting impression and he will be one of them for sure.

Geek Photographer - He's made me promise to say something nice about him in my secret blog today. So I will say things are going well again. I haven't shared with him any hints of its whereabouts (like I did with Computer Geek). I think he's concerned he's gotten on my shit list and to be honest there were plenty of times he was. I had an entire long winded post about how frustrated I was with him but it just didn't seem important enough to share with the world. I vented and that was all I needed. I needed a break from him and I took it. I would like to say it was my choice but it seemed that we both came to that conclusion at the same time. He is the one that calls me, and for an entire week I neither got a call or chatted with him. In fact, I thought the friendship was over and to be honest I wasn't too heart broken.

But that break seems to have done the friendship good. He's no longer the major ass he was before. I almost felt like he went out of his way to put me down. Now it's a normal friendship. He still gives me shit. And with my friendships that's required.

He's also come up with a photography outting. One that I'm pretty excited about! One, its a very cool concept! Two, it'll just be fun to get out and shoot pics with a purpose. He has big plans to get our photography group going but the last time I got my hopes up and nothing came of it. One thing I've realized is that he's a dreamer and an entrepreneur. Both things I admire but it can sometimes mean being let down by the next big thing.

So the above was written last night. I got interupted by a call from Geek Photographer because he couldn't sleep! We pretty much just surfed the web together. It was ... kind of interesting. I enjoyed it. But I hate when I start to like him more then I should. He's proven that when I start to care he becomes an asshole. I'm running late to work this morning too because my brother needed my car to pick up parts for his truck and I know I'm gonna get shit about being late when we were both up just as late as the other and he got to work on time. And this would be the kind of shit that I enjoy as much as I may moan and groan about it while he's dishing it.

Well I need to pack up my lunch and get ready so when my brother gets back I'm ready.

Circle of Men

It used to be that I could just reach out and grab one... If that one annoyed me, look another direction and grab the next. Now all the men have taken a step back whether because I've pushed them away or they've pulled away on their own. Now I'm forced to take a step toward one of them to get closer and I'm not willing to make that move. I'm in the middle of the circle looking at them all longingly and yet just don't want to make the effort. For now, that's how I'm leaving it.

What just happened!?

So where does one begin? I have another post about Geek Photographer that has been waiting to post for so long that it's no longer relevant to things going on between us. I will post it with additions another time... Because from one week to the next things changed so dramatically and currently not for the better.

Burbank - Is the main reason for this late post. He called me last week and asked if I'd be able to go to BootieLA with him. It's something we've wanted to do for a while now and I was shocked to realize that I was actually available to go! So we made plans to meet at his place, head over to Bootie from there and that was that.

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the dancing, or just the mutual attraction and need/desire for sex but I found myself in bed with him. It seems odd to say. It's like it didn't happen. I feel no remorse or regret. We're friends. I went into it knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. He's moving. I think that's part of the reason I felt ok acting on my urge. And I look back and am not sure what we were thinking. I feel slightly scattered in my thoughts, even now the next day. That could be because I only got 4 hours of sleep and then took a 3 hour nap.

But looking back, I knew the frame of mind I was in. I wanted sex. I knew I'd enjoy sex with him. And yet, considering he's only my 2nd partner for actual intercourse I'm surprised I'm not as impacted by my actions. I was surprised by my boldness with him.

I went back to his place and he wanted to burn a copy of the cd I got from the club. I laid on his bed while he showed me things on his computer. And before I realized it, he started a movie and came and laid on the bed intimately close to me placing his hand on my hips or around my waist. We cuddled for a bit and I would say I was the one that started kissing him. He jokingly commented that neither of us had ever imagined going here before. We've been friends for so long and even then, I thought it was only going to be a make-out session. He even asked if I was going to blog about this on myspace and I told him I wouldn't not about something like this but that I'd definitely be mentioning it on my secret blog. He laughed and said of course I'd have a secret blog! But the kissing got hot and heavy quick and before I knew it he was asking if he should be getting a condom.

The sex was intense. I'm so sad to say that it was better then I ever had with my ex as far as satisfaction goes. I loved my ex, it was more intimate and special. With Burbank it was animalistic... It was fucking. And I was pleasantly surprised by his focus on me. I have always felt he was a bit of a selfish bastard, but apparently not as a lover. He was all about pleasing me and pacing himself. I never knew my ex wasn't very experienced until having sex with Burbank last night. It made it obvious only then. And when we finally were done for the night, or I should say morning because the sun was rising, he was surprisingly affectionate. We laid in bed and he always had to be holding onto me or touching me, he would tenderly caress my body or move my hair if he felt it was in my way.

When I finally got up to get ready to leave it was right back to friend mode. He burned the copy of the cd, made me breakfast, we chatted about every day events and then we talked a little about what happened and neither of us were too concerned. Well I will say he was worried about the affect on the friendship and I too would have thought something would have been changed if this happened last year but I have since moved on from any romantic feelings about him. I am attracted to him. We do have fun. But he can be a real ass sometimes and I know I wouldn't want him in my life for any length of time.

Now as much as I'm thankful for this fact that having sex has not impacted our friendship, I'm actually rather concerned at my ability to be so ok with what I did. My friend found out about it, she figured it out on her own and I couldn't lie, she was shocked. And honestly I hadn't given it much thought until she said something. Because I've gotten on her about her desire to have sex with this one guy. But I know it would be detrimental to her because she really cares about this guy and having sex with him will screw her up more since he has a girlfriend. I knew I didn't want anything more with Burbank. Yet I can't imagine me just going out and having sex with anyone else. I've always imagined something happening with me and him. And I think the friendship is one where I knew I could trust him. Other guys I don't feel I can trust that well. Or am I saying all this in hopes not to sound like I sleep around with just anyone? I know I don't. I'm still kind of surprised by how things worked out.

Something just hit me... Vegas... I had every intention of having sex with him when I went out there next month. Now I'm suddenly not so sure. Why is that? Hmm I will have to think about that one. But for now I really need to get to bed.

Getting stuff off my chest...

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a friend acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Discouragement + Emotional = :-(

As I drove into work this morning I noticed I had a pretty vacant expression on my face, a stark contrast from the usual grin ear-to-ear as I contemplate the most recent amusing moment. My day hasn't helped. I'm moody. Ready to cry, scream, whatever. Discouraged + emotional = sad.

This was written Friday... quite a change from today... But I'm still posting it.

sadist/masochist

I'm not saying I'm either. I just watched the film "Secretary" by Computer Geeks recommendation. I'm intrigued by this relationship-style. I can't say I know why Computer Geek recommended it, whether he's opening up about the kind of lifestyle he's into or if he just thought it was a good flick, which it was.

I'm a little hesitant to be honest in my post. Only because google has outdone themselves! A while back I gave him (Computer Geek) two lines to this blog so he can attempt to find it and if you pasted it into google search it could not locate the blog. Sadly I attempted this on Friday after my last post and poof * "Clandestine" becomes no longer clandestine! I have no idea if he's figured this out and it makes me nervous to be honest about his lifestyle only because some of the secrecy is out if he and another person know about this blog and have yet to share with me. I respect his privacy. I respect him.

So back to this movie. Is it a clear representation of what a dominant/submissive relationship is like? It seemed romantic. And with my very little understanding of sadist/masochist relationships I never could comprehend the draw. Unless this movie is a valid representation of it then I can see how people are drawn to it.

Anyways, just a quick entry on a subject I didn't feel comfortable posting to my normal blog.