Lately I haven't felt much like a wordsmith. And my mind is all over the place. It's hard to focus. I lose words. It's possible I'm at that age. Brain fog. Loss of focus. Forgetting things easier. Perimenopause? Or depression? Not sure. I just know I haven't felt much like myself.
I'm lonely. But knowing I'm lonely means I'm not spending enough time with God.
So I saw this reel on Instagram where people paint terracotta pots and plant flowers in them as a party. I decided to do that for my birthday this year and it turned out really fun. I really should have done Paint, Plant and Pour but I did Paint, Plant & Sip. We had a great time. It makes me want to paint a lot more! I bought a paint by number plant calendar. I did the first one this last weekend while listening to an audiobook and it was an excellent way to relax! I am definitely looking forward to doing another month."Obsession" was in my office and saw our Christmas pic, he said "oh, "Clandestine" called me the other day and I never called her back..." I was telling him about going to your house this weekend and he goes "oh, her new house? Is "Husband Creature" still around?" lol like, yeah her new house, not her old one and yes her husband still lives with her. haha - 9/9/26
And today she's telling me he's struggling and always complains about how stressed he is. But she doesn't ask follow up questions so it's very surface level, usually in passing in the hallway.
no heart to hearts like the ones you guys used to have 9/11/26
I'm so tempted to call him. But honestly, he knows he didn't call me back. If he wanted to, he could. But then I think of how busy and stressed he is. Maybe he'd be happy to hear from me? Do I call him on my extension so he sees my name? Or do I call him from my work cell? And I called him randomly the other day and it rang and rang which means he was on the other line which is fine, but he had the opportunity to call me back. So that's that. I'm not calling him.
And I just got through reviewing some timelines and honestly, looking back at our friendship... There was more to it.
He has a ukulele and knows "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz... And I just happened upon the post where I talked about that. On a random side note: Husband Creatures best friend/brother sang Happy Birthday to me on my birthday and it was really cool. I forgot how good he can sing.
I don't remember Obsession telling me he was going to text me the lyrics to the song "Fun" that stood out to him. The part about "You may not be the one but you look like... fun" and how he got shy sending it. I always remember thinking he didn't confirm he really listened to it. And sure enough he must have. He mentioned it a few weeks after I shared the song with him.
I also don't remember his wife telling him early on that he couldn't be friends with me! It was EARLY in our friendship, after he baked me cookies. Ugh... I'm so stupid. We were friends from 2018 - 2023... After that everything changed and we barely had any interactions. But really everything changed once I left the place we both worked at. So October 2025... Almost a year with minute connection? No effort. Why... why... why am I so tempted to reach out? He knows it was just MY birthday... If it mattered at all he would make an effort to call me back.
So work is now bringing me back to the facility Obsession works at on Friday 9/25/26. Part of me wonders if I should call and see if he'll be around. Another part says, leave it be. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I don't... The last time I didn't try but sort of did and ended up making the whole process get changed...
9/29/26 - I think it's officially done. In my heart and in my head. I am frustrated with Obsession. I was looking forward to seeing him Friday. I didn't get to see him. I called him and he answered. I asked if he could come out and say hi, he said he wasn't able to. We talked but then I had to go because my other ex-coworker came out to say hi. I told him I would call him back and when I did, he never answered. So I'm done. He doesn't call me back. He doesn't make any efforts to maintain communication. That part of my life is in my past. Just like Colorado and all the others. I guess I always thought we'd maintain a friendship at least. But it looks like he doesn't want to do that. So I have to let it be.
10/8/26 - Happy Birthday... So long... farewell... auf wiedersehen... goodbye... *Sigh* It only took me 2 years...
Husband Creature - He and I are doing great... at least right now. But the week before my birthday I thought we weren't going to make it... again. We seriously have such a volatile relationship at times. He loses his shit and I'm left wondering if we're going to make it or if we're done. He says I take things so personally and that marriages have fights, it doesn't always mean we're going to divorce. But it's hard not to take it personal when he says things like... "I don't care anymore Clandestine. I'm done!" I will say the affair made me realize that I know I'm worth so much more than he gives me. And maybe there is a part that expects more from him. I am no longer willing to accept his mediocre efforts.
But I will say this... Once we talked through our issues... One of them being that we don't feel we can be honest with each other. We talked about a few things we haven't been able to talk about and it felt good. It felt like a turning point. We seem to have a few of them... turning points.
I have to say though, Husband Creature really came through for my birthday this year. He had a surprise for me Saturday, the day after my birthday. He made sure I didn't make any plans for that day. That I had it completely open. He didn't tell anyone else! It was a complete surprise!
On Friday, the day of my birthday he took me out to a fancy dinner down at the beach, we went window shopping at the shops, stopped by a place he took me on our first official date, for cupcakes, then he showed me all his old haunts. We decided to stop by his friends house in the area, since he doesn't get to see him too often. When we got there, I was serenaded by his friend and his ukulele (as shared above). We talked for a bit more then I said I was tired and wanted to get home. He still wouldn't tell me what the surprise was and I didn't want to be exhausted if it was an activity. So he suggested I sleep on the way home. Which I did. But I was woken up by seeing that we were off the freeway. When I looked around I noticed we were still a ways from home. Then I saw a sign for the airport. I knew he couldn't be TAKING me on a trip so I knew it meant we were picking someone up! So my first thought was my best friend who moved out of state! He wouldn't tell me. I kept telling him that's the ONLY thing it could be! And sure enough, my best friend and her husband flew out to surprise me for my birthday!!! They could only stay till Sunday but it was awesome! It was such a great surprise and I *really* had NO idea.
So the reason he wanted me free was just so I could hang out with my best friend all day! With no interruptions. It was really great. And he kept acknowledging how horrible he made my last birthday and he knew he had to make it up to me. It was sweet. He went so far above and beyond anything he's ever really done for me. It was a blessing!
When it came to our anniversary a couple weeks later, we didn't do much. We ended up going out to lunch. But something I said to him and about our anniversary is that even though it wasn't a milestone year for us, (14th wedding anniversary), it was a MILESTONE YEAR! We made it through hell. We're on the other side of the worst of it. I believe.
Now... I'm desperately praying for Husband Creature to have an encounter with God. One thing I've realized through his affair is that my Husband Creature has never fully given himself over to the Lord. He's never experienced God's touch in his heart. And if I'm honest, I don't think he's really open to it either. But I feel desperate for some reason. Like Husband Creature is on the verge of a breakthrough or the devil is trying desperately to steal him away for good. All I know is, there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that says this could go the way I want it to, or it could fail spectacularly. Meaning my marriage could implode. Husband Creature could completely fall off the rails. Or... Ooooor God could get a hold of him and we could have an amazing life and future together. I'm praying for the latter. I'm begging for the latter. I know that I didn't survive the pain of betrayal for nothing. I know God has a plan and will for my Husband Creatures life, for my life... For OUR life. But Husband Creature has free will though... I have to trust that God can reach him. I have to trust that God has me fasting once-a-week to step in the gap for my Husband Creature... for a reason.
