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Right now I'm thoroughly enjoying life. I'm still as confused as ever about the men in my life.

Colorado - Just informed me yesterday that he proposed to his girlfriend and that his wedding is possibly going to be the same day as my ex! But I'm really happy for him.

Burbank - Invited me over for Valentine's Day. Made me dinner. Even bought me a gift. But almost seemed to go out of his way NOT to make any physical contact! hehe No clue what to think of this guy.

Washington - Totally adorable. Sent cute messages on Valentines Day. Even sent a picture of a bouquet of roses since he knew no one else sent me anything, which I think he was quite surprised about actually. I look forward to meeting him in person.

Computer Geek - Has suddenly peaked my interest above all the others (at this moment in time), I switch my crushes easily. But lately he's been really sweet. I even gave him a hint to the name of this blog. Not sure if he ever found it. I'm pretty confused. He was teasing me about a new guy in the office and how I should hook up with him. I asked if he wanted me to stop flirting and he said I don't flirt with him. I realized then that he really had no clue I went out of my way to get to know him.

Touchy Feely - Has finally gotten the hint I think.

Older guy - Been kinda MIA but has picked up in the last day or so. The girl he's seeing in Arizona was going to come out for Valentine's Day and they got into an argument. He says it's over. I say she'll still keep coming back for some reason. I know he's charismatic.

This post was ready to publish with minor finishes so here it is, posted late... (It says it was posted 2/20/08 but that's when it was started and never published, I'm publishing it today 3/12/08)

Why oh why?

So I'm STILL crushing on the older guy. Well I go through stages, days where I could care less and days where I wonder why the heck he hasn't made his move. He enjoys my friendship, I know this. I think he likes me and even wonders "what if?".

He calls me last night to give me a heads up on his stressful weekend. When I show empathy he tells me he hasn't even shared what's going on with "arizona" as he calls her. He tells me with dread that she's coming out, no if-ands-or-buts about it, and that he blatantly told her he has to work and then complains about how he's going to have to hide this new business plan he's working on. (Long story. I'll try to sum it up below.) It doesn't hit me till after our conversation that no wonder she's not taking "no" for an answer! It's the week of Valentines Day!

Sum Up: He's taking a chance to start his dream carreer. Apparently he's attempted it before but technology wasn't where it is today. He's doing well and it looks like it's moving further along then before. Though he has not told "arizona" about it because he feels she will put the idea down or something. Yet, he will call me multiple times in a day with the tiniest updates.

This seems like an odd dynamic for a relationship, at least a healthy one, which this appears not to be. I shouldn't be surprised. He's older, never been married, maybe this is the reason? He keeps people at arms length. He's intimate with her. He's open with me. I think I'd prefer the intimacy. hehe Honestly I care about him. If he were to kiss me, I'd kiss back. Yet I'm not willing to gamble and make that move.

Ever since I shared with him I was interested in him physically he's invited me over to his place a lot more. Has even invaded my personal space more and more. He seems to take his time with things. I sometimes wonder if making a move is one of them.

I flirt with him still. Even send him little pickup lines, or tease him about wanting me. He gets a kick out of it, then tells me I can be a trip. Now how does one take that? I'm still not sure.

Beware!

Beware! This post is not for the faint hearted. hehe I'm in a foul mood. I know it's pms but there is a lot going on in my brain. I can never write about these topics on my personal blog because well I just don't want to whine that much. I'm usually a happy person, content and pretty much ALWAYS smiling.

Today... not so much. I'm struggling. I'm discouraged. I have a problem. I am a people pleaser through and through. This causes problems with the relationships in my life because I never tell people how I truly feel because I don't want them to be mad at me or not like me anymore. Then I end up resenting the people because I'm stuck dealing with emotions they have no clue I'm dealing with. Even now, I'm not willing to post this topic on my personal blog because I don't want people to know I'm frustrated. Hmmm... Maybe I will post this on my personal blog as well. Just to get past this constant need to make sure everyone is ok with me. The thing is I'm not ok with everyone! I'm angry and hurt. I feel taken advantage of. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm always the one that has to make the effort.

I sat down and talked with my coworker this morning. He's a good friend. He mentioned some things that I think is the root of my problem. I settle for being treated less then a princess. He didn't say so, it's just the conclusion I came to when he stated that if I didn't feel like I was being treated like a princess I should walk away from these relationships and my first response was I couldn't imagine walking away. Of course I explain them away, they aren't relationships, we aren't officially dating so do I really have a reason to be so upset. The thing is, there is something more then friendship there, yet I feel like I'm the one getting the short end of the stick. I know I'm valuable. I know I'm worth pursuing. Then why is it that I do all the work? Why do I feel like I'm treated like it's an honor to be in *their* presence? This people pleaser thing is a BIG issue! It makes me settle for less, put up with more. How do I get out of this habitual behavior? I know at one point I felt cherished. When will I feel that again?

My coworker talked about the day he first met his wife. Their eyes locked and he knew! He just knew! Isn't that awesome? I mean you hear about stories like that but sometimes it makes you wonder, is it real? Could it really happen?

Part of me is so frustrated with how I get treated I want to write everyone off. Never make the first move. If they want to call me, then let them call me. If they want to pursue me, they can pursue me. If they want to chat, start a conversation. I'm done! I'm pissed! How the hell am I supposed to be nice to one of these guys in question tonight without biting off his head? Poor guy won't know what hit him. I've been so quiet for so long. I've held my tongue. To some extent I don't feel I could get a word in edgewise. He's too busy rattling on about himself. It's hard to say let him pursue me when he does most of the calling. I just don't feel like it's about me at all. It's about him and his need to feel heard. He's getting something out of this and I'm left silently screaming.

So could it get any worse? I was about ready to post this when I spoke to my supervisor about switching up my lunchbreaks to match with my coworker (the one I referred to above) and I so we could continue to do our traditional friday wahoo lunches and was then asked if his wife knew about these traditional friday lunches!? WTF!? He's a friend! Nothing more is going on! ARGH! I seriously do feel like I need a good scream! FUUUUCK!

Recap of the men in 2007

Recap of the year in men - friends or otherwise...

Colorado - is currently seeing/living with someone. Oddly our friendship has survived our mini-relationship and time. I am happy to say we chat almost every day and he still has a good impact in my life. He seems to value my friendship which is something I wondered about from time-to-time.

Burbank - I don't believe I've mentioned him yet. He and I have known each other for years. We were each others first "online" to "in-person" friendship. Because he lives in an odd location we only get to hang out a few times a year. This year I found myself more physically attracted to him then ever. I'd always had a suspicion that he liked me too but there were reasons I never allowed myself to think more of it. Well he showed up to my surprise birthday party in September and the connection was undeniable. Over the next month we talked about our attraction and the confession on each of our part, wondering what that would mean the next time we hung out, which has yet to happen.

In fact, for some reason after that he has turned into a giant asshole! No joke! I have yet to figure out what crawled up his butt (and died) to make him such a rude individual. He called 15 minutes into the new year to wish me a Happy New Year but it was almost like he regretted calling me the moment he dialed my number. I have a feeling (based from his past relationships) he doesn't like acting on his feelings unless forced and I will not force him. I guess after my birthday I thought if we could make a more consistent schedule of seeing each other we may have a chance to see where our mutual attraction goes. I think I was forcing it and the dynamic of our friendship doesn't allow for that. I will let it go back to seeing each other every few months and be ok with that.

Washington - is a guy I met through work. We talked almost daily until his company switched providers but we had already exchanged numbers and talk every month or so. Last night I talked to him and one thing I enjoy about his personality is that I'm usually laughing so hard I'm crying. He's non-stop goofball. There have been times it's too much but when I haven't talked to him in a while he can truly lift my spirits. He tends to ask about my relationship status a lot. He seems intrigued that I've been dating a lot of men that aren't Christians. He knows how much my beliefs mean to me. I look forward to the time he comes down here and we can meet in person.

Computer Geek - is the one who attempted to locate my secret blog. He and I flirt. I'm still attracted to him but he's turning into a good friend. I enjoy his company and he throws out little things to encourage me.

Touchy/Feely - is a guy that I could be in a relationship with right now if I wanted. He scares me a little bit. The reason is that he reminds me so much of the men I have dated and I could see myself slipping into a relationship just because it's comfortable and I'm lonely. He doesn't have a relationship with God. I've been there. I can't do it again.

In fact, out of all the men I have been dating, Burbank is the one closest to fitting with the values I want in a man (odd that he can also be the biggest asshole too).

So, I've shared with Touchy/Feely that I've thought about having sex with him. He couldn't make a coherent sentence for at least 5 minutes after that! Apparently my boldness took him back. I told him that as much as I've thought about it there were reasons I would never allow myself to.

Northern Cali - recently came down for a visit. Another guy I’ve been friends with for years. I’ve known him longer then Burbank but Northern Cali is a lot further away then Burbank so we had our first in-person meeting last March. I was surprised he went out of his way to meet up with me this last month. He’s a great guy. He was visiting friends in Hollywood and was willing to drive inland to meet me on my lunch break, then even said it was worth the drive and he’d make sure to make plans to meet up with me the next time he’s down in my area.

Older Guy- has turned out as quite a surprise actually... I had given up on any form of relationship happening with him. I found out he was seeing a girl in Arizona that he failed to mention whenever I'd ask him about relationships. hehe I honestly think he was still trying to figure out "our" chances. He still calls me daily. I have been helping him with a new business venture he's working on. His business took him to Hawaii for a New Years celebration out there. I didn't expect to hear from him because I knew he'd be running frantic to get everything done, yet I found myself missing his frequent calls, I had gotten used to them. To my pleasant surprise, he called me yesterday to wish me a Happy New Year and to thank me for all the stuff I've done for him in 2007. I felt special that he chose to call. He didn't need to, nor did I expect it. I also got a text from him last night wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know his project went well.

In all actuality I'm not sure why it means so much to me. I guess reading back through my few posts last year, the one thing that was consistent in my frustration is feeling like I don't mean much to the people in my life. The end of the year evaluation hasn't changed my outlook on that. In fact I plan on taking more time for me, rather then concerning myself with others and their feelings. This Older Guy just happens to be the one that consistently goes out of his way to make me feel cared for.

I admitted to him two days prior to his trip that if I were into one-night stands I'd be asking if he'd be interested. I was quite shocked at my bravery and am still unsure of what I felt it would accomplish to admit that to him since I know I'm not someone that can do a one-night stand. His response still surprises me! He admitted to being attracted but that the girl in Arizona was making him hesitate on his temptation to go through with it. He said our age difference is a big deal to him but that he sees me as mature for someone my age. Yet, I truly expected not to hear from him with my confession, or for him to pull away. The reason being is that my supervisor who is closer to his age really liked him and pursued him and he was turned off by it. It got to the point of ignoring her calls. He said the reason was that she seemed like the type of girl to just want a one-night stand. Yet my confession of wanting a one-night stand seems to have had NO affect at all, in fact it seems that he has gone out of his way to make sure I know he still values me as a friend. This has been the surprising twist to our friendship.

Summing up - There are more men but these are the ones with the biggest impact in my life for the 2007 year. So my brother has said he's swearing off all women for 6 months. I'm not sure that I can swear off all men, I’m too much of a flirt. But I have wondered if I lost all these men in my life, would I be devastated? ... No. But out of all the men I think the Older Guy would be the one I'd miss the most. I won’t push all these men out of my life but I do plan on making more of an effort to do things for me and not worry about pursuing friendships with the above men. In reviewing this list I have a feeling most of these men will stick around in the coming years. Though I will put less pressure on them to be more then they are and I will make new relationships.

Well it's Christmas time again. I haven't posted here for a while. Of course everything has changed. I'm not exactly sure where to go with this post. There is a guy looking for this blog, at least he was at one point. I think he's given up. I kind of hope he has because I'm sure he will be discussed in this post.

But I feel its appropriate to discuss the most recent happenings with the ex in which this blog has centered around. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that he proposed to his girlfriend the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. He called me. As much as I wasn't surprised, I was surprised. I am happy for him. But there is a part of me that is left with sadness. I'm guessing it's because part of my heart that I gave him during our relationship is mourning the loss. As cliche as it sounds I am also analyzing the question of "what's wrong with me, why was she someone he could marry and I wasn't?" Well if I think about it, I know he and I were never meant to marry. I did love him. Even a few posts down I talked about how we even talked about marriage, but him being in a different state (literally) changed things.

I'm moody today. Feeling pretty down. Alone. A bit rejected. Not sure why. Yesterday I had to tell a guy I just started seeing that I was uncomfortable with the amount of affection he was giving me considering we aren't together. He is a bit too touchy feely for me. He was nice enough about it, but I could tell he was a bit discouraged and dissapointed. I enjoyed his attention. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just scared of getting too close.

I think I need to get outside... Go for a walk... Journal... I wish I wasn't at work and I could just plug in my iPod and get lost in the lyrics to the songs. I think I'm in the mood to be a bit of a martyr today.

A lot has changed

I've looked at a couple posts that were started but never finished/posted and a lot has changed with the 45 year old. I was a lot more insecure about how he felt about me. We're not dating by any means but the uncertainty of how he feels has gone away. We are friends with a mutual attraction. I'm dating other men but still hoping something more happens with the 45 year old. He's opened up a little about his hesitation to start dating and at this point we're both waiting to see if we're sure it can turn into something substantial before taking any steps in the direction of a relationship. (We've also determined he looks about 38 so quite a bit younger then he actually is.)

He and I have gotten together about once-a-week since our first dinner by ourselves July 19th. It's cute that he calls every couple of days and emails me on the off days so pretty much I hear from him every day. Why is that cute? That's freakin' cute cause I'm crushing. :) Everything is cute then. I can tell for him that's a lot of attention to give someone.

Before all that has happened this last year I would be panicked by any delayed responses. Right now I know I may not talk to him till early next week but I'm ok with that. That's odd for me, or I should say that would be odd for the old me. I guess it's because I'm not insecure with where I stand with him. I know he likes me as a person and that there is an attraction there. Maybe it's also because I don't have any expectations.

I went through a lot between May - September 2006. Then between September 2006 - March 2007 I felt like I did a lot of internal reflection and accepted a lot about myself which in turn made it easier to change a lot! I think there is a confidence that's showing on the outside. I'm genuinely happy with who I am on the inside and out. I'm still surprised at how much attention I've been getting from men in the last year. It wasn't till recently that I started to notice the lineup of men growing. In fact it's pretty safe to say I've had more guys pursue me in the last year then I have had in all the years before combined!

I recently had my very first opportunity for a one-night stand. Yup! For some women this happens all the time, men come onto them at a bar or what-have-you but I've always been a little bit of a late bloomer. It was a security guard at a resort I was staying at. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him but never had the chance to make conversation. I decided to be bold and introduce myself and within moments we had setup a time to meet later. When we did meet up he started kissing me and things got heated rather quickly. I was surprised at myself for allowing it to get so far, he had his hand down my pants. He asked me to fuck him and in that moment I thought about how I felt and I didn't like it. I knew I would regret it and told him... as much as I didn't want to, I had to stop. The surprising thing is, it really was hard to stop! He was nice about it. I could tell he was expecting to get laid and me (being naive) wasn't even thinking about sex when he said he wanted to meet up later! But now that the moment is over I am glad to know I could not go through with it. I'm not wired for one-night stands.

Honestly, it was flattering... I mean I'm sure he might have slept with a lot of women. But ... I was immediately attracted to him. I haven't experienced such a strong mutual physical attraction like that! At least not one that was so obvious to both involved and where we both had to opportunity to do something about it! But like I said, I am glad I found out what I'm capable of, or not capable of in this case.

What do you do!?

I just got off the phone with my cousin who told me something almost unbelievable. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would still not know what to think about it all! Nevermind, I have seen the information with my own eyes and STILL don't know what to think of it all!

Turns out I have another cousin! My aunt had a baby before she got married, went to stay with my mom of all people and gave the baby up for adoption!!!! There is a website that says my cousins names! All of them! This girl is looking for them. I'm kind of in shock! What do you do? My cousin is in shock. She just found out about it about an hour before she called me!

My aunt is beside herself. Apparently this was a secret she planned on keeping to the grave. And I'm in shock my mom kept this secret as well! I'm surprised my aunt wouldn't tell her own kids now that they are older. But she was miserable and even so devastated that they knew she threatened to do herself harm! She feels she's a horrible mother and just kept saying she really had no intention of them ever finding out.

My other cousin found it when he googled his own name! Right there for the world to see! His name and the name of his two sisters... The girl telling them not to be afraid to contact her because they have another sister! This type of stuff happens on Lifetime, not in real life!

Anyways, I'm sworn to secrecy, even from my immediate family! I can understand why. I mean let them take care of it and get used to the idea before it becomes public knowledge for the whole family. But obviously my mom knows about it. I guess they haven't told my other cousin. The brother and sister three-way called their mom (my aunt) and confronted her with it. The other sister may not take it so well. So the cousin that called me isn't sure how to address that whole situation of telling her. Though she knows she needs to.

This is just odd. This type of stuff doesn't happen in our family. Well we didn't think it did anyways! Why is it that back in the day they were so good at keeping secrets and nowadays everyone knows everything. I guess it was more taboo? Honestly if I were to get pregnant before marriage it would be just as devastating! Small towns and such, somehow kept good secrets! haha

I laugh but with my mouth fully dropped open. I'm still in shock! I have another cousin out there! What a trip! I wonder how this will all come out. I'm dying to talk to people about it. But for now I'm going to respect my cousins wishes and just share it on my anonymous blog... Cause I gotta put it out somewhere!