Beware!

Beware! This post is not for the faint hearted. hehe I'm in a foul mood. I know it's pms but there is a lot going on in my brain. I can never write about these topics on my personal blog because well I just don't want to whine that much. I'm usually a happy person, content and pretty much ALWAYS smiling.

Today... not so much. I'm struggling. I'm discouraged. I have a problem. I am a people pleaser through and through. This causes problems with the relationships in my life because I never tell people how I truly feel because I don't want them to be mad at me or not like me anymore. Then I end up resenting the people because I'm stuck dealing with emotions they have no clue I'm dealing with. Even now, I'm not willing to post this topic on my personal blog because I don't want people to know I'm frustrated. Hmmm... Maybe I will post this on my personal blog as well. Just to get past this constant need to make sure everyone is ok with me. The thing is I'm not ok with everyone! I'm angry and hurt. I feel taken advantage of. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm always the one that has to make the effort.

I sat down and talked with my coworker this morning. He's a good friend. He mentioned some things that I think is the root of my problem. I settle for being treated less then a princess. He didn't say so, it's just the conclusion I came to when he stated that if I didn't feel like I was being treated like a princess I should walk away from these relationships and my first response was I couldn't imagine walking away. Of course I explain them away, they aren't relationships, we aren't officially dating so do I really have a reason to be so upset. The thing is, there is something more then friendship there, yet I feel like I'm the one getting the short end of the stick. I know I'm valuable. I know I'm worth pursuing. Then why is it that I do all the work? Why do I feel like I'm treated like it's an honor to be in *their* presence? This people pleaser thing is a BIG issue! It makes me settle for less, put up with more. How do I get out of this habitual behavior? I know at one point I felt cherished. When will I feel that again?

My coworker talked about the day he first met his wife. Their eyes locked and he knew! He just knew! Isn't that awesome? I mean you hear about stories like that but sometimes it makes you wonder, is it real? Could it really happen?

Part of me is so frustrated with how I get treated I want to write everyone off. Never make the first move. If they want to call me, then let them call me. If they want to pursue me, they can pursue me. If they want to chat, start a conversation. I'm done! I'm pissed! How the hell am I supposed to be nice to one of these guys in question tonight without biting off his head? Poor guy won't know what hit him. I've been so quiet for so long. I've held my tongue. To some extent I don't feel I could get a word in edgewise. He's too busy rattling on about himself. It's hard to say let him pursue me when he does most of the calling. I just don't feel like it's about me at all. It's about him and his need to feel heard. He's getting something out of this and I'm left silently screaming.

So could it get any worse? I was about ready to post this when I spoke to my supervisor about switching up my lunchbreaks to match with my coworker (the one I referred to above) and I so we could continue to do our traditional friday wahoo lunches and was then asked if his wife knew about these traditional friday lunches!? WTF!? He's a friend! Nothing more is going on! ARGH! I seriously do feel like I need a good scream! FUUUUCK!