Feels like a permanent shift

Even my dreams feel it... 

I had a dream about Obsession last night. In my dream I had to talk to him about a work thing, I felt awkward and shy like I do in real life. I came into his office, discussed the reason for the meeting, then talked surface topics, before I left I was hesitant but asked if he would call and tell me if an email was coming out with his name on it (meaning he got a promotion he just interviewed for in real life) or if I'd find out from the email and he looked at me and shook his head "no", and that I'd find out when the email came out. My heart sank... And I walked out of the meeting a little sad. I was frustrated that we didn't have the same friendship/relationship we have had in the past. And it's clear if I'm dreaming about it, even my subconscious feels there's a permanent shift. Our relationship will never be the same. I am bummed.

My Husband Creature said he had "a 20 min chat with your 'Sancho' at work the other day" and I was like "What Sancho?" and he said the only one you have... And then it hit me, he was talking about Obsession. I was completely oblivious at first... Then... self conscious! Wondering how they interact with each other... Knowing my Husband Creature found out he's my work crush and doesn't understand the reason I find Obsession attractive. lol I still think his reaction was hilarious ... "Why!?" lol 

Now that I've spent some time away from my "Obsession"... I have to admit I understand my Husband Creatures reaction. I saw Obsession the other day. And when I did, I enjoyed seeing him. He looked at me deeply when we were standing outside. Like he was taking me in. It was a moment but fleeting. I enjoyed our chat. Our catchup session. He seems genuinely happy things are coming together nicely for me and my Husband Creature. And I've missed our chats. I wanted to talk more. I didn't get to hear much about his life. But when I looked at him as we were talking I thought to myself... "Why did he seem more attractive to me before?" Maybe it's age? Maybe it was more circumstantial? Maybe the void I had from my Husband Creature when my obsession first started was being filled up by the friendship with Obsession and I thought it was more? Or maybe the void Obsession was filling made him more attractive to me? Though the photos of us together still invoke an emotional response.

Prior to seeing him that day I had manipulated time to be able to drop off some cookies for him and once I did... The feeling of dread and conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately asked God for forgiveness and when I saw him after that (I had literally dropped the cookies off at his truck, I couldn't see him face-to-face), I told him that probably wouldn't be happening again. It was too awkward and too challenging to get him cookies unless I was in the same building as him. 

And... now I'm confused again. I don't like how dreams affect me when it comes to Obsession. I need to shake this feeling... I'm going to let this out in the world and hope it's cleared my mind enough to stop me from doing anything stupid like reaching out...