So I've gone to two counseling appointments. I was annoyed at the first one but got a couple things out of it so I decided to give it another chance. And I'm glad I did. Yesterday was a revelation day for me. I think first and foremost just going to seek help has made a shift in my perceptions and mood and for the first time in forever I feel hope. My therapist seemed to mock me that I felt healed, but I clarified that it was more like the onion analogy he gave me. I've pealed a layer and just as I typed this I thought of a deeper explanation. It's like I've pealed off that first ugly flaky layer of onion. Sure I've still got more layers to peal but that first layer is off. And for the first time in a long time I feel hope.
We touched on the topic of Obsession yesterday. I think that's one that still really bothers me. I was real, honest and even shared how I feel like a bad wife. He said I wasn't based on the information I shared with him. He mentioned Prescribing which would be to go to Obsession and be honest, that I don't mean to be inappropriate but that I find him really attractive. My therapist said that was one way to handle it. But that he didn't think that would work for me. That he feels that if things were unstable in Obsession's home life it might be detrimental to my own marriage. The therapist said that the fact that his wife is unhappy with our communication means that he has talked about me at home, that maybe she senses a connection between us as well. But that to help me look past this, would be to realize he's not safe. Sometimes when we are attracted to someone we automatically feel we can share more than we should. Which has happened numerous times with me. That I've shared too much which Obsession and found myself wondering why I did. It's because subconsciously we tend to feel the person we're attracted to is safe. Well my Therapist told me to focus on the fact that Obsession is not safe for me, in fact he's quite the opposite. He's harmful to my marriage. That shed a new light on the situation. Oddly, I knew he wasn't safe.But somehow realizing that he isn't safe to even talk to... I need to keep my distance. Which goes along with some other changes I plan on making this year...
So I am going to do the church fast. This year's fast I plan on eating protein and veggies only, no sugars or bread carbs. I am going to keep coffee but sugar free creamers, etc. for 21 days. I *may* fast dinners, but if I get hungry I'll allow myself veggies. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly excited about what strongholds God will help me break by doing this. One part of my plan is to avoid seeing Obsession during the fast if at at all possible and try to avoid contact. I tend to reach out randomly.
Yesterday I was proud of myself. I was down by his office and stayed away from leaving a note on his desk. I saw the picture of Minnie and Daisy that I put up in his office was out on the floor of his office and I think with his new furniture he's getting rid of it. Which made me kind of sad but in a way it's appropriate for him to get rid of it. I think there was something too personal about it being kept.
I saw him after the 18th briefly. I walked into his office and he was on a conference call. He barely looked up from his phone to acknowledge me. In a way I was disappointed but now I'm glad about it. I need distance. I need to NOT look at him as a close friend. I need to look at him as potential threat to my family, to my marriage. It's a hard shift, but one that must be made.
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