The "Rona" got me!

The Rona - So I was quarantined for 10 days with minimal symptoms. I only tested because I felt a little off and my sister came back positive. I had no fever, a pretty bad headache and lost my sense of smell for a couple of days but otherwise ok. My Husband Creature came back positive as well. He felt like he was getting a sinus infection which he gets almost annually. My Stinker Creature had a low grade fever for a couple days and a headache but otherwise he was bouncing off the walls. It was tough not leaving the house for my Starbucks runs or getting out there and doing Christmas shopping. My Husband Creature got hit the worst. But he kind of did it to himself. He stopped eating and drinking for almost 5 days. I kept telling him he needed to eat to keep up his strength and we got into it a couple of times, him telling me to back off so I finally just let him do what he was going to do with less sympathy than if he was sick and was trying to stay hydrated and eat. lol But we survived and our marriage is still intact! I came back to work this week. Thankfully right before the holidays so I have a couple short weeks ahead of me to get back into the swing of things. 

Obsession - I saw him for the first time in weeks yesterday since I have been quarantined. I had emailed him a couple times through our work email. He'd respond right away and keep the conversation going asking questions, though I kept my distance. I do so good for a time, and then the day before I am scheduled to see him I start dreaming about him. Ugh... I had a dream Monday night. It was intimate and somewhat realistic and yet completely unrealistic. I think the problem for me is that I still feel strongly that the friendship is one-sided. Or that all the effort is one-sided. If I stopped reaching out he'd not make the effort to respond. I wonder sometimes if he'd ever reach out if I stopped. Every time I feel like testing it, I end up giving in too quickly and reaching out for some reason or other. It's just my nature. 

Though I keep going back to the day I finally shared all this. I told him I was wondering why he asked me if I missed him and didn't respond. I told him it made me insecure about our friendship. That it's like I'm just his ego booster. Then I felt extremely weird with how that all came out and then my boss walked up to our conversation and I was forced to leave it hanging out there said, without a response or any chance of a reaction. So I called him on my way home to "fix" the weirdness and it got weirder. I told him how I felt the friendship was one-sided. He gets complimented, gets cookies, and I'm left with ... "Did you miss me?" And to this moment I can't get over how he replied. He said he was sorry he didn't respond and of course he missed me and that's why he always asked where I'd been hiding whenever he felt like it had been a while since I reached out. That was his way of telling me he missed me. Then he just said it, "I'm sorry I should have just told you. Of course I missed you." And then his voice got hushed... "I have to be careful, especially around here" and I asked  him to explain and... he just repeated the statement like that's all he could say. So I moved on... Told him I knew I was being silly and it shouldn't matter. He said "it matters, that's why I'm taking the time to talk about it." 

Since then conversations have been basic. Nothing too intense or intimate. When I saw him yesterday I was pleasantly surprised he immediately stood up to give me a hug. I even said I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me because of my germs and he said he'd have as much of a chance getting the Rona from Walmart. It was nice to chat, but never long enough. I always enjoy our chats. I had to rush off. I specifically went to his office first to drop off Christmas presents. I had a lot of exhausting work to do at the other office and I couldn't guarantee I would look "fresh" if I stopped by afterwards. lol I just gave him a small box of cookies. And I gave one of his coworkers an actual gift, he said if it's perishable she wouldn't be back till after the new year, I said, oh no, it's not perishable. He seemed surprised. 

At times I wonder, how do I even think we're friends? And other times I wonder how do I ever doubt we're close? I gave his entire unit something little to "brighten your day" and he taped up the card with the other photos that he likes. I just don't know how to feel. I mean friends is one thing. But that whole conversation about missing each other kind of threw it into a new level of friendship only because of how it was expressed. But again, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Especially with him... I should probably take a chill pill lol Anyways... it's the end of the day for me. I won't see him for another couple of weeks since he'll be off till after the holidays. Though he did hint that he may come down next week after all. Guess I'll have to see if he shows up...

Merry Christmas! 

I'm feeling odd

I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how. 

I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though. 

Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well! 

But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life. 

Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird. 

Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going... 

Quite a change

So Obsession has met my Husband Creature. And... I think they get along well! lol It's not surprising. My Husband Creature is really laid back and personable. And of course, if I enjoy Obsession it's easy to see that my Husband Creature would get along with him as well. 

I have to say it was completely awkward to have them meet. But once the initial meeting was done, it was easy. Nothing awkward. My Husband Creature is a mechanic and Obsession had some work on his daughters car needed. I knew my Husband Creature could do it. So I gave Obsession my Husband Creatures number a while back and it took a bit but they finally connected and made it happen. 

I'm always so proud of my Husband Creatures abilities and knowledge of working on cars. He's been getting a lot of side work doing that. Obsession asked if he could bring him more work or if Husband Creature even liked doing that kind of work. My Husband Creature said not as a living but for side jobs he's fine doing all car work. He can do bumper to bumper projects. 

The above was written 8/26/20 8:57am

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So I'm kind of mad at Obsession. Like angry. I haven't felt like this in a while but right now, I'm annoyed. The last two years he's made a point to wish me a Happy Birthday. First year he said Happy Birthday in person since I worked in his office. Last year he emailed me Happy Birthday. This year... nothing... It just goes along with everything else I've been feeling lately. Like I've been replaced. He suddenly decided I don't matter. Our conversations have been shorter and shorter. He never has time to chat. When we do, it's just kinda blah... I've noticed lately he seems to be focused on that one girl that comes into his office who is more his type. He seems to look for her. It used to be that he'd be focused on our conversations and not notice her. Or if he did notice he wouldn't interrupt our conversation. Now I feel like I'm just a nuisance. And it makes me sad. I've been avoiding talking about it. I don't want to face reality. I sometimes feel like I'm over-analyzing like I usually do... But it's been too consistent to be just a momentary issue. And it's not enough for me to confront him. He'd think I was crazy. I've thought about teasing him that I've been replaced by the other girl. And honestly I haven't had the opportunity to even bring it up! 

The above was written on 9/8/20 at 11:00am

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I have a lot on the brain

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm overwhelmed and tired. Not a good combination. I've been so busy this week and next week I'm on vacation and seriously it can't come fast enough. Tomorrow is my Friday. But I still have so much to do. Friday I have to bake cookies and do laundry. Saturday I have a wedding to shoot. Sunday after church we're leaving. As soon as we have the rental I think it'll feel like it's finally happening. 

I've been back and forth about Obsession since Tuesday. 

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Ok so it's Thursday, my Friday before vacation... I'm in a much better place mentally than yesterday. 

Tuesday was an interesting interaction with Obsession. It was short. And I had the opportunity to see him Wednesday as well and because of the Tuesday interaction I didn't want to chance leaving another ending until I return. And it seriously wasn't that great a moment but it meant something to me. 

Here's the thing. I have no idea if he even notices my absence. I find him talking more and more about another girl in the department who is more attractive and has a good body. I am a nobody. I make him smile. I feed his ego or I have in the past. Recently it seems less stroked. lol Yet... something tells me I make an impact on him. He seems happy to see me. 

He noticed my glasses right away. I forgot to change out of my computer glasses to my every day glasses from one office to the other. I was rushed. I can use the computer glasses but not for long distances. Either way, the way he looked at me... It was surprising. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to read into a guys' reactions but if I didn't know any better I'd say he was noticing me in an attracted way. We had another guy from my office with me and I could tell he was filtering somehow. He commented on how my other glasses don't have the bottom portion. That's pretty attentive. He said they looked good. 

I was rushed to get to a meeting so there wasn't our usual time to chat. And I felt a difference in how he talks to me when it's just me. With our coworker there he seemed pulled back. I had thought they were friends so I was surprise by his somewhat guarded behavior. But I felt like my coworker wanted to leave. When I said goodbye, he hugged me, told me to take lots of pictures at my vacation and share when I get back. But again it was the look on his face, the eye contact, that felt like there was more on his mind. It's possible I read into it. But the moment left me feeling it was a great way to leave before vacation. I've been tempted to email him and another part tells me it's not worth it. 

Part of me feels like this is a close friendship... Another part feels like it's such a waste to focus on someone that doesn't give back much at all. I compliment him. He has never once admitted to finding me attractive in any way. Other than he considers us friends, and that he enjoys our chats. Though there was a conversation where he said he was surprised at how bold I was, how easy it was to tell him some of the stuff I do and that he could never do that. Maybe his own way of saying he doesn't have that boldness? Obviously I'm not repulsive to him... But sometimes I wish he did tell me I mattered to him. But of course, that would just open up a whole can of worms. So alas... I'm a fool thinking foolish thoughts, over analyzing everything. On that note... lol 

Over-analyzing... again.

So I saw Obsession yesterday. A couple things he said have been repeating in my brain and of course I've been over-analyzing since. 

He has been bringing up more that things remind him of me based on our conversations. There is something that physically happens every time he mentions "I thought about you this weekend because..."

We had a rumor of an active shooter in the office the week before last when I was leaving it was pretty scary. I came into the lobby to find Sheriff's with guns ready coming in to search. I asked if it was safe to get to my car and they told me yes. I got to the car and called my Husband Creature. Then called Obsession with no answer so I called another girl from the office. Obsession brought up the fact that someone told him I called them about it, and he couldn't believe I didn't call him first. lol I told him I had called him first but he didn't answer. So I showed him my phone call history and he saw that sure enough I did call him first. He smirked and said he felt better. And he noticed my Husband Creatures name in my phone is "My Love" and Obsession said, oh I see you tried to call me another couple of times as well. lol 

I went to say goodbye to the other girl in his department and was called back by Obsession and another guy to come to his office again. As I did, he had a fake snake on a string and pulled it as I was walking by and sure enough I freaked and he recorded the whole thing! (though I hated how I looked in the video). I yelped and yelled "You suck!" As I was finally leaving he was smiling huge and his tongue was out because he got me. 

The week before last Obsession asked if my Husband Creature would be interested in working on his daughters car. Freaked me out at first. I was concerned that my Husband Creature would have an issue. I'm still concerned that Husband Creature doesn't know the connection between Obsession and "A LOT has changed." I was very clear on Obsession's name when I gave Husband Creature his number because I have mentioned "Distraction's" last name. And if it comes up I plan to explain that the situation has passed I didn't think it was an issue. But sometimes I wonder if I should bring it up but how would I? Oh btw this is that guy that I found attractive enough to call a distraction at work... Yeah somehow I don't see that coming out in any way without bringing up old wounds. So I have done nothing to pursue it, just put the info out there for Husband Creature and the rest is up to them. 

Been A While...

Things have shifted with Obsession. In a good way. And I'm grateful for it. It's shifted in the past and re-surfaced into a full blown crush so I'm hesitant to say anything but I almost feel that this whole COVID-19 Work At Home situation gave me the space I needed. I still want to talk to him. But when I do, my brain doesn't drift towards the inappropriate. 

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Welp... I knew it wouldn't last long. lol I had a dream about him the night before last. I was left feeling foolish and stupid. Which is how I tend to feel at times when I get done oversharing with him. Either way, the above was written I believe last week. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday. He was very chatty. Seemingly surprised to see me. All smiles. When we sat down to talk he shared more than usual. Stories about his brother and mom and asking my opinion on if he should feel the way he did. We were clearly on the same page, I'd say something in agreement and he'd be like, "See! So it's not just me!" He was complimentary. I shared how I had a rough visit with my sister. I told him I mentioned a conversation he and I had with her and he was jokingly affronted that I would share our private conversations. He asked if my sister was jealous of my positive nature. I asked him why she'd be jealous of me, that she was the one with the nice new house. He said that you can have nice things but without an upbeat positive attitude it doesn't help much. He said I was bold. And seemed to admire that quality. I could tell he was referring to me being so completely honest with him, about my attraction to him. He says he thinks "Man, I can't believe she admitted that!" (never outright admitting to my acknowledgements) He has brought up a couple times how he's surprised I can be so bold. I always correct him that it's also stupid and he always argues that it isn't stupid he's just never been able to be so bold himself. He seemed surprised I talk to my Ex. He said his wife would never be ok with that. I shared how I had to have a lunch with my Husband Creatures ex and how uncomfortable I was with that until she spoke. lol 

We talked about my journaling. He still has the one I got him, he's only written a couple sentences in it and that he thinks of things to write but when it comes time to sit and write he feels silly. I asked if it's because he keeps thinking someone is going to read it and he agreed that was probably the issue. I told him how I need privacy because of my complete honesty and he asked if I wrote things that shouldn't be read by my husband and if I had a lock on it or anything. I told him no, but that if my Husband Creature read it, there would be a couple entries he wouldn't be happy with. His eyes got wide. I started to share that I have a private blog that I don't share any names and I just label the people I'm talking about. He seemed completely intrigued and ready to ask questions but someone walked in and by the time they left it was time for me to head out. I doubt he'll bring it up again. And if he does I have to be sure NOT to tell him his label lol That would be bad! 

He showed me more photos than usual. He shared how he went riding this last weekend. And hiking another day. He turned to me and we were super close. An intense moment. But again not the electricity I have felt in the past. And listening to that song by Selena Gomez - Fun. It doesn't pull me like it used to. So aside from still having a pull towards him, dreams and anticipation of getting to see him, it does seem my Obsession has toned down a bit. Though not enough for me to be glad about it yet. 

Random Run In

So shockingly I ended up seeing Obsession the night of April 1st at his brothers grave site. It was completely unintentional. I was driving to a store and happened upon the street and something just made me think, fuck it, let's see if I can find it... I drove down looking for crosses and poof he's sitting in his truck right in front of it on the phone. I wanted to stop, I wanted to text, I wanted to honk, something... He was off work a couple of hours early. I flipped around and ended up just texting him. We had our longest text interchange since my dad was in the hospital with his heart attack. I wasn't sure how it was received. I felt silly. I genuinely had no intention of invading his privacy. He seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort to find the spot. I made sure to mention that I didn't realize he would be taking off work early so he knew I wasn't even expecting to see him.

I made a point not to reach out to him again until I found out my work was sending me to "Work At Home" for the next couple of weeks but that I'd still have to go to one office once-a-week. He said he'd be doing the same and said we should coordinate our trips down. I'm gonna be honest. I've obsessed over this statement more than I'd like to admit. Still haven't heard so I'm waiting to see what he'll say or if he'll just be there Tuesday. I can't work overtime for the next few weeks either. So we'll see. I told him I'd for sure be there Tuesday. We'll see if he shows up. I was just surprised he would go out of his way to see me. It felt like the first time he's made me feel like he wants to see me.

So my Ex and I have been chatting on Snapchat. And somehow the conversation turned to all the concerns I had after we broke up and never had the opportunity to ask him about. It was very cathartic! He was complimentary. But nothing too inappropriate. We talked about some sexual stuff but I made sure to keep it on the surface and mentioned that it shouldn't be discussed further. I mean it's so easy to slip back into the flirting stages with an ex. I have to be careful especially after Colorado.

There's really not much more to say about that. But as I look at my last part, why am I so controlled with Ex and not Obsession? *sigh*