Sometimes I feel I'm holding onto something I can't have...

My ex... He and I broke up over a year ago because of my spiritual beliefs. He was not capable then (and now) of being a spiritual leader. I have always desired a man that had the same faith if not more faith then I, who can encourage me to be devoted to God above himself. Well my ex and I broke up because we both knew that's what I wanted and he wasn't going to be that man. A year later and often slipping back into a sexual relationship with each other I find myself wanting him more then ever. Then with everything my brother-in-law has done I have found myself doubting what is considered a "spiritual leader". How can I say, "this man is a godly man and this one is not" when I have a brother-in-law whom I respected and looked up to for his spiritual leadership in my sisters home who has gone off the deep end and went off and had an affair? It has thrown my whole ideal out the window and has made me doubt that I made the right decision in leaving my ex. Mostly because after a year I still have just as strong of feelings for him as the day before I left him. Nothing has changed as far as where he is with God, though he goes to church and is committed to it.

So I talked to my parents about it. They actually understood where I was coming from and were just as confused. They see how my ex still treats me, which is VERY good, and they just don’t know themselves anymore. I started looking towards possibly getting back together with my ex. I spoke with him a week ago about “us” and he is still in the same frame of mind. “Nothing has changed between us, so why would it work this time?” I, of course, felt everything changed, considering that my whole ideal I now doubt as being possible and that any man could be the one God intended for you. But we’re on the same path, loving one another, wanting one another and not being able to go further with one another.

This week has been a hard one for me. I have found myself resenting the fact that I’m in love with a man that I can’t have. I resent the fact that he’s not willing to give it another try. And to make it worse, I respect him for standing up under my confusion because he understands my life is in turmoil and I’m not in any frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I resent the fact that I am not able to control these feelings and keep them to myself as my ex does. I am a girl, he is a guy. I understand that is a key factor.

We spoke again this morning and I finally came to grips with the fact that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know he needs me and this is just as hard on hime as it is me. He is frustrated he can’t get over me. I am frustrated I can’t get over him. This is why I question whether we’re even *supposed* to get over one another. If it’s been this long and neither of us can let go, are we really supposed to be fighting these feelings? Well until my turmoil stops I don’t know that I can make an educated decision. Right now it would be based solely on my emotions. I would hate for a decision to be made and then another year down the road I realize that the spiritual leader is still an issue.

So here I go, spending the weekend with my ex… Wondering if we’ll have sex… Wondering if he’ll even want to… Wondering if I will be ok if he is the strong one and says it would not be a good idea… Wondering if I should have more self respect not to have sex or hold it against him for being strong… I guess I will find out.

Barely Staying Afloat

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I am surprised I'm as sane as I am! I feel myself barely staying above it all. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and it overtakes me. I am on the edge.

With everything happening to my sister, my church, my love life, and a few other little things I realize that it can only be by the grace of God that I'm not off the deep end. He has to be giving me an unnatural strength to bear up under it all. I get nervous at times that I might just snap. My whole family is just barely hanging on.

My brother-in-law is a jerk. He has broken off his affair but has seemed to take on the roll of 'asshole'. He shows my sister NO respect and the worst part is my sister can't seem to fight it. She feels like she deserves it somehow. Or that just showing him love will win him back to her. She has told me at one point that she wants her husband to look back at this moment and say "you were the ONLY one that had faith in me, when everyone else thought I was a lost cause, I love you." But the thing is... I can understand her viewpoint. The problem though is that he's not being like that. If anything he's defiant about it all. Expecting my sister to cater to him and his needs! Instead of being humbled and pursuing her. He doesn't seem broken at all about it. He seems self righteous.

He has said that her fault in the marriage problems was a slow killing cancer and all he has done is amputated a limb (speaking through medical analogies). My question is... Which is worse? A slow killing cancer you can prepare for or the immediate removal of a limb you were so dependent on? And that limb being amputated with a dull knife at that! He says this is not justification for his actions but as far as I can tell it's all about justifying his actions! My sister so desperately wants her marriage restored. In some respects, at the cost of her own happiness. I think she feels its best for the kids.

Right now I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid that her husband will never respect her again. I just don't understand how a man I used to look up to could turn so evil in a matter of months! That someone I said "I hope to find a man like that" about, could be someone I could never respect again. It just doesn't make sense. Men have had affairs... When they chose their wife they usually come back humbled and humiliated. But my brother-in-law seems so cruel and evil. It's a night and day difference in personality. I sometimes wonder if he's truly broken it off with "the Other Woman"... Or if he's on some kind of drugs...

I pray that God will open her eyes or his, whichever it takes, though I'm less likely to hope for his return to the right path then her to turn away from him. But God would pray for both so I try. The hatred I feel for him is intense. And yet it's almost like he's dead to me.

My sister is visiting relatives in another state so he can get his head on straight. But in that time he has bombarded her with calls so much that she has told him no more and that he can call the kids to say goodnight but that's it... He has also called and said that he missed the kids and to send them home and worse yet he added... if you were submissive to me you would send them! What an @$$#*(%!!!!! These are the kinds of comments that make me think he is evil and has turned to the dark side. This is not the man I thought he was. Of course my sister said no way to sending her two children back home to him on a plane unattended accept by flight attendent! Either way these are the things I have been struggling to just let go. To just realize I can't change ANY of it! I have to let God do His work. Whether that means restoration of their marriage (please God no!), or my sister goes through a divorce.

I have to wait and love my sister unconditionally even when I'm starting to lose respect for her lack of courage and standing up for herself. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back and my family begged me to leave him and I couldn't. Some reason I didn't think I could live without him. No matter what they said to me I never left him. Then one day, whether all their comments finally sunk in or God just changed my heart, I felt like a lightbulb went on in my head and I walked away and never looked back! I never regretted leaving him. I was grateful I had. It took me 2 1/2 years to walk away. All the while my family begging me to leave him. I wasn't married with two kids either... So how would that change things? Would it make it easier to not think of myself but my children and the absolute disrespect for the marriage vows? Or would it make it harder? I'm inclined to think it would make it harder... So does this mean I have to be willing to hear all these horrible, evil things he does to her for 2 1/2 years!?! I am unsure. I remember there were good times in my abusive relationship. So far I haven't seen much good come from my brother-in-law since this has all come about.

Well this is just one of the many things I've been forced to face on a daily basis. I think I will leave it at this... I will explain the church and my love life in the next post.

An Affair ...

My brother-in-law is having an affair!

It's hard to focus. We had our fears because he was acting so strange but he denied it being another woman until the proof was brought to the forefront. I have no respect for him anymore. I am sick to my stomach with just an ache for my sister and what she must be going through. I want to string him up by his balls because he's not a real man, a real man wouldn't cheat on his wife of 10 years! It's hard to believe that this is happening to my family.

It feels like it must be a movie. He hasn't even made a decision to leave "the other woman" yet! My sister needs to drop him like a bad habit. She needs to leave him out on his butt. I can't even look at him. I don't know that I even want the restoration of this marriage. How can she ever touch him again!? How can I ever look at him again?! It makes me sick. He makes me sick.

The worst part is, even after the truth has been brought out, he is having a hard time letting go of a woman who is single, has a kid, is not a christian, yet he can tell my sister that he has every right to divorce her because she deceived him, she said she would try to be the Proverbs 31 woman and she's not! What a jerk! How dare he talk about virtue and deception when all along he has been doing it!

This has gone on a while. Even to the point of him wanting to marry "the other woman"! My poor neice and nephew. To have a father like that. And to think he even go them involved... He took them to the beach, wouldn't let my sister go because he "just wanted to spend time with *his* kids" without her! And to find out it was just because he wanted his kids to meet "the other woman" and spend time with her kid! And even worse, if that wasn't low enough... He tells his kids "don't tell mommy, she's really depressed and this would make her more sad". What an @$$#@!%! I'm refraining from saying all the horrible profanities I want to say.

This has just been told to me on Sunday. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I'll ever be able to respect him again! My sister wants the marriage to work. She wants restoration. Don't ask me why! Well ok I know why... But he has no remorse for his actions! He is still defensive! He is not humbled at all! He needs to get to the point where he realizes that my sister was the best thing he ever had and that he will have to kiss her feet for the rest of her life because she was willing to put up with him after ALL THIS! But no, I think he still doesn't love her the way she deserves. I want her to kick him out. I want him to feel low! I want him to get to the pit of nothingness and realize what an ass he was to do that to my sister! I want him to come crawling back. If he's not on his hands and knees then she shouldn't accept him into her home.

I'm sad.

Getting back to the grind

So I'm back to the grind. I went to the gym tonight. It felt great. I can tell I'm more out of shape then ever and REALLY need to start getting back to doing it for myself. Today at work I had a rough day. Earlier I mentioned my anger problem. Well when you ask God to work on something, He brings things in your path to help you work through it, He doesn't just bring you out of it (well most of the time anyways hehe). So I've found I've been more aware of my anger. I have never gotten to the point of hitting anything since I hit the garage door a week or so ago. But I've wanted to, and I've held back, which is a step up but still. I'm off the subject. Today I was angry, I could feel it whelling up inside of me and so I decided to go for a walk. When I got back my entire attitude changed. I was more relaxed and happy! Then I remembered how going to the gym was a great release when I was getting over another ex. Since I'm struggling with letting a new one go, maybe this is a step in the right direction eh?! I think so. So I did cardio only. I feel great!

Lets see... God has been doing a lot of talking to me as of late. Or at least I'm finally opening up my ears to listen. It feels good to be taking some good steps in the right direction. I'm always afraid to be too happy because something always pulls me away. But this time it's different. I'm doing it for myself. Not to be a better person for anyone other then myself and God. To like the person I look at in the mirror. Yeah I have never liked the body in the reflection but I have been happy with the person looking back, but lately that hasn't been the case. Lately I'm repulsed by my appearance. But I can feel a change. Another chapter in my life is about to begin.

Well I need to stretch....

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

---------------------------------------------------
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

---------------------------------------------------

I heard this song on the way home today. It really hit me hard. I did exactly what I hoped last night. I had sex and woke up in the arms of the man I'm in love with. Yet I hate who I've become. I hate the person I became. Yet deep down I don't seem to

take the second chance you gave me.

It's all because

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

I crossed a line I don't feel I can ever go back to. I had sex. That's the line. That moment I crossed the line. That was the point of no return. I can never give that to my future husband. I look down on myself. I am ashamed. I wish I was there. I wish I was ready to say

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again

I want to be there. I don't feel ready to try and never become that way again because I'm still 'that way'. Though deep down I want to with all my heart. I guess the words say... I'm ready to try... Not I'm ready to never be that way again. The point is the heart needs to be ready to try. My heart is ready to try Lord. Forgive me for holding onto my sexual sin. Help me never become that way again.

This is where I hope to be tomorrow morning...

Crying Headache

So I have a headache. A pressure filled pain in my skull that just won't go away. Last night I lost my temper. I was having an argument with my ex and it was ended abruptly. The way that I can't stand an argument to end, unfinished, still heated, interupted, left staring at my phone wanting to throw it across the room because he felt his 'company' was more important than taking a moment to go into the other room and make sure it ended with both of us being ok. Well I of course lost it. I was angry. I bawled my eyes out. I screamed. I hit the garage door with my fist (which incidentally I bruised one of my nuckles).

I'm really struggling with my anger the last couple weeks. My dad and I had a blowout and I actually lost my anger for the first time to the point of hitting something. It was the first and worst time. I hit my arms on my chair and caused bruises on my wrists. I felt so foolish.

So last night I hit the garage door and realized I was at that point again. I stopped, I cried, I bawled, I screamed, I cussed, I finally sat slumped onto the end of the bed and called my mom. I explained the situation. She was as sweet as could be. Understanding, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, sympathetic, everything I needed to calm down and not feel so out of control. I was hurt. I was really hurt by my ex. My mom helped me realize that yes, I was right, and yes he was right, and yes men are stupid, and yes it's always best to end an arguement on the positive side, and no he's not the man for me, and that I will find love again. She is an amazing woman.

So today I had my coffee, I had 4 ibuprofins, and yet still my head feels like someone is pushing in my temples. I hope it goes away. I am so not in the mood to be at work. I have found every excuse to get involved in conversations and well update my blogs, etc. Thank God it's friday, and better yet... thank God its PAYDAY friday!

Oh and of course my ex and I did end up finishing our argument later last night and of course I was no where NEAR out of control like I was and of course we're totally ok today and of course life goes on as usual. I blame it (my behavior) on my period emotions and well a rising anger problem that is starting to cause me concern. I may need to seek some help for it.

Well I should attempt to get some work done today...