I think I need counseling

So... I'm not sure where to go with all this. I'm wondering if I need some counseling. I'm not sure why I'm in this self destructive mode. Honestly I'm not sure how self destructive it is. In fact I'm quite confused about things right now. I think that's why I feel the need to talk to someone, someone not in my life, someone who won't be so shocked by my behavior or impacted by my behavior. Someone who can give me an objective view of my actions and what could be going on deeper inside to make sense of it all.

The thing is, my sexual lifestyle has dramatically changed in the last 6 months! I mean drastically! And surprisingly it's exactly the 6 month mark. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe this means I'm done. Hopefully I got it out of my system and I won't feel like such a slut.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've never been one to sleep around, yet I've also never had the opportunities like I do now. I guess I should share what I'm talking about before you think I've slept with a different guy every day of the week. The thing is, I haven't! In fact, my list of sex partners now reaches 5 and this bothers me greatly because two were added within the last couple of months. By normal standards this isn't shocking, but for me it is.

So we all know my first partner was my Ex. He and I were in a relationship for months before I decided to go forward with losing my virginity. That was back when I was 24. I'm now 32. Wow I've never talked about my First Boyfriend on this thing!? Either way, my first ever boyfriend and I did everything but intercourse so if you wanted to argue he was a partner then fine the list goes up to 6. Then I screwed up and slept with Burbank back in 2007. It was a long time before I had sex again. Well over a year!

It was with the Drummer back in October of 2009. As I've made it clear, he and I tried to be good but we kept going. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with The Actor in late February of this year, 2010. Here's where my behavior gets weird.... I slept with The Actor not thinking anything was going to happen with the Drummer ever again. The Drummer and I had been avoiding each other ever since he treated me like crap on his birthday.

So March 26th I hung out with the Actor again when he came down for a movie he was the lead in. I told him we weren't going to have sex and if he didn't want to hang out then I'd be ok with that. He still came over, but I could tell he was pissed. We slept in the same bed and I found it difficult not to go for it... And sure enough in the morning I said screw it, and went for it. It was miserable. We never even kissed it wasn't even satisfying. Blah... So I was disappointed in myself, and felt gross.

That day I get a text from my bossom buddy who reminded me I was supposed to go to a show with her that night and that our designated driver was The Drummer!!! I totally spaced this show. Well it was a fantastic night. The Drummer was all sorts of adorable and attentive with me. And I got plastered! We joked around and made plans to have sex that night. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I had slept with someone just that morning. By the time we got back to The Drummer's place, it hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd had sex with another man!

This concept seemed so foreign to me that I thought it would never happen to me! I was shocked! But The Drummer means so much more to me, and the sex is just so fantastic it's hard not to do it when I have the chance. Before you think I'm a cheap whore, you may be glad to know I talked to the Drummer about how he treated me on his birthday before we had sex. Sure enough he felt really bad, he hadn't remembered what he said. The night was incredible, intense as usual and very intimate. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night to go at it again. It was rough and intense and he even bit on my neck so hard I got a bruise that lasted a week! It was awesome!

I woke up and went to church and realized the concept of sleeping with two men in less then 24 hours was not a good thing. That I had a serious problem. The idea of sleeping with the Actor again was just silly. There's no chance of that happening again. In fact, I really don't ever expect to hang out with him when he comes down again.

So The Setup at this point has been really confusing. I got a text from The Setup like Saturday when I was visiting my brother in the hospital and he wants to get together soon, we've set tentative plans for Sunday but I'm definitely not holding my breath!

I don't regret sleeping with The Drummer. He and I truly care about each other. The Actor is a horrible partner and well he doesn't even care about me nor do I care about him!

Since the 27th though I have found out The Drummer is now seeing someone. He wouldn't sleep with me at the last show and that's when I found out. I walked into the garage where he was talking to her. I felt completely uncomfortable. I told him so, and he admitted to being uncomfortable about hearing about The Setup at the St Patty's Day show I was at.

It was sweet. He talked about how much he cared about me, when I said we both knew it could never turn into a relationship he corrected me and said it could have, but that it wasn't probably going to be till death do us part. That if he were able to join my church then that's all it would need to work, but that he didn't think he could do that but if he could, we'd get married and my brother would just have to be ok with that. I was really surprised by this admittance but one thing I will say about The Drummer is that he does care about me. No matter what these other guys make me feel. The Drummer really does make me feel loved and cared for... Even if it's dysfunctional.

So... I've been living life. Not thinking about anyone or anything. Not worried about a relationship, or the concept of sleeping with someone or how long it will be before I will find someone. I've just been happy. Dealing with school, my brothes illness and work!

Burbank came up this week to get some stuff out of my garage. He kind of hinted that he wanted to fool around but I wasn't having any of it.

So I went up to San Francisco for work Sunday - Wednesday. I guess I should give some background to this new guy. He's my coworker, and one of my friends labeled him for me as: Latin Lover, so that's his nickname.

Either way I got this job back in February, I immediately noticed him and was immediately intimidated by him. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to start getting to know him. We moved to a new office shortly after I was hired and it was there that we found our musical tastes match! It was our starting point. I was immediately drawn to him. He's very good looking. I wanted to get to know him better but wasn't sure how. He was fairly quiet and reserved.

As time went on Latin Lover and I got to know each other more. He played me one of his songs, he plays the guitar and sings and I seriously told my friend after leaving that night that I got weak in the knees and told her I was in trouble. That was the point that I realized I really liked him and that I would have to keep a level head not to let the crush get out of control.

Back to my San Francisco trip. We all go, our entire office. Latin Lover and another guy flew along with the boss, and me and two of my other coworkers drove up. We all stayed at the same hotel but we were all on different floors.

Either way the first night it seemed like Latin Lover wanted to hang out with me. He'd been drinking. And the sexual tension was definitely there. At one point we went out for alcohol and our coworkers I think wondered what was really going on. Like they didn't really think we'd come back.

*** The above was written in late April sometime, it's now May 29th, 2010***

So lets sum up this story. Basically I noticed sexual tension between me and Latin Lover the first night there but honestly thought nothing of it. Then the next night I found out I wasn't going to see him and was actually kinda bummed, but made the best of the night and went out with my boss and another coworker. Turns out Latin Lover ended up at the same party. I was already drinking heavily and became extremely touchy feely with him. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to like it and became affectionate as well. I realized I was in trouble so I decided I needed to walk back to the hotel but he didn't want me to walk by myself and also didn't want to leave the party because our other coworker was having such a fun time. Latin Lover was so sweet, he helped me find a seat and sat with me for a bit. I started to sober up.

We walked back to the hotel when the party started to die down. I got back to my room and sure enough he got online and we started chatting. I noticed he seemed to make an excuse to come to my room, which was because I needed water and hadn't gotten any and I would need it to help with the hangover. So because he "cared" he was bringing me some. He comes to my room, I feel awkward because I'm in pjs, no makeup and trying desperately to be a good girl. He leaves and I take a BIG sigh of relief.

Then we get back online together chatting it up and then I make the silly choice to let him know I was proud of myself for being good. He asked me howso and when I told him that I didn't attack him like I wanted to he asked why not, I told him I didn't want to embarrass myself or make him have to push me away, jokingly. He then tells me he forgot something and before I knew it he was back at my door knocking.

My mouth dropped open, my heart was pounding, he stood to the side of the door when I looked out but when I opened the door he came in, the door shut loudly and I was embarrassed by that and when I leaned back he came forward and I remember saying something about being bad, he said that I was being bad as he grabbed my face and started kissing me. It was intense and I was in shock the entire time. I couldn't believe it was happening.

We went all the way. I felt uncomfortable as soon as I realized what we'd done. He was a coworker, he had a girlfriend. Two VERY big reasons why I should have kept myself from letting this happen. I felt a little cheap too. He wanted to get up right away and leave. I realize he had his own guilt to work through. When I asked about awkwardness he said we were both adults and we should be fine.

The rest of the trip we treated eachother like nothing happened. Still to this day we've only discussed it once! In that discussion we were able to share that we both felt it was a mistake. I was relieved for a time. Then there would be those random moments at work where I'd feel that electricity and it sucks! The look in his eyes, so intense. I can't ask him how he's feeling, because I don't want to continue on that path! Part of me does, another part knows it would be unhealthy.

We're trying to be friends. It appears to be working. I have moments where it's really hard on me. I sometimes wonder if its healthy to try to be friends. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him how he feels about me, have him tell me he could care less about me and maybe that would help. Another part knows he does care about me, not enough to make a relationship between he and I though. So why put that uncomfortableness between the two of us?

This last week I went through a rough time of it. The next post was written during the breakdown of that week. I still have no idea what's going to happen between Latin Lover and I. I think we're on the road to putting our stupidity behind us. My crush is manageable at the moment. He seems to be working things out with his girlfriend. And for now that's what's important.

Random interaction on Lombard Street leaves a lasting impression

So I've been in San Francisco for work this week. I hadn't had much opportunities to go explore the city but last night I went with my friend Northern Cali. Either way, he came up to San Francisco with his girlfriend to hang out with me. We just drove around but ended up on Lombard Street. I am not sure why I felt the need to go but after my interaction I will say I'm so glad to have left San Francisco with this memory.

I got to the bottom of the most famous part of the street and got out of the car to take pics. A guy on a long board came up to me and asked if I saw the interaction between him and a car that just drove by. High as a kite, kept telling me "Happy 420". But he was making me laugh. I listened to his story about him taking his time crossing the street because he was the pedestrian and pedestrians have the right-of-way and how as soon as he got out of the way the car hit the gas and zoomed away obviously peeved he took his time, lol I told him I was taking pictures. He then told me to follow him up the stairs because he had a perfect spot. I was a little hesitant to follow a complete stranger but he was so intriguing. He took his pot pipe out and took a big puff and told me to breath in and he blew the smoke in my face. You would think this would bug me but it didn't.

So we started walking up the stairs back up the street. He asked where I was from and he was totally making fun because he had no idea where that was. Told me he lived on the corner down the bottom of the street. He told me I smelled really good! Then laughed and said well he knew one thing, girls from my area smell really good. And said not to worry he had a girlfriend and wouldn't do anything to me unless I wanted to make out, then he turned and asked, do you want to make out? lol I was just laughing and enjoying every minute of the interaction. He told me to walk up to Montclair street with him and he'd show me the ultimate photo spot. That Montclair was his fathers name. He told me his fathers first name but I didn't remember it. It was such a fast interaction.

We got up to the spot and he had me sit on the step with him. Once sitting we were talking about his experiences living on this street. He took a better look at me and said, damn, you're really beautiful. And it was just so honest and real it was the best compliment I've received in a LONG time. I felt an immediate connection. I think I was almost ready to make out with him. It was odd how comfortable I was with him.

I asked if I could take a picture of him and he wouldn't let me. He told me he'd been in advertising for 15 years and pretty much was retired in San Francisco. I got the impression he must have been famous and didn't want his picture plastered on the web. He said I should let it be what it was, a magical phantom moment we'll have to struggle to remember. And in all honestly I love that we did it that way.

He was pretty cute, in an average guy kind of way. My friend, Northern Cali got nervous I was taking so long so he came up to check on me. I will call this person Lombard St. He was nice and kept him entertained while he pointed out the places I should point to take pics. He also pointed out where Real world San Francisco was, with Puck! And where Marilyn Monroe got married. Told me a beach I should go to but since Northern Cali had specific plans he didn't take notes on where we should go. At one point the interaction seemed like it was going to end, and I really didn't want it to. I really wanted to keep talking to him, I didn't want the moment to end. I don't think he did either. He kept grabbing my hand and saying how nice it was to meet me. And I gave him my business card and told him to contact me. He said he would. I haven't heard from him yet though. I really do hope to though. There was just such an amazing connection between us!

Anyways, we had to go so we were reluctant to say our goodbyes... He said he was going to skate down the street but I kept looking for him and he didn't. But once I got to the bottom I heard him yell down to me, couldn't hear what he said but I know it was my name, and I turned and waved up to the darkness... (sigh) It may not sound like much but it was an incredible moment in time, I guess it had to do with the connection. A connection I hope not to soon forget.

well, well, well...

The Drummer - Well he flaked on me. I called him out on it, not rudely, just told him I was surprised I hadn't heard back from him since we did make plans to hang out. He said he was feeling worn down so he stayed in bed all day, which means he was too drunk to think straight. I had heard he was doing better but for some reason I just have a hard time believing that. He said he was sorry he flaked on me and that he wouldn't make a habit out of it. I think it was for the best. I wasn't doing well yesterday and I think I was too weak to fight any urges.

I had gone to the local bar by his house and my good friend, the girl I clicked with, I guess I can call her bossom buddy lol, well she's the bartender and didn't like that this is the 3rd or 4th time I've stopped by without getting a drink. So I gave in and let her get me a drink. I could tell since it's been so long since I've drank that it affected me big time. I then decided to stop by The Drummer's just down the street but didn't feel comfortable just walking in, so decided to call and he didn't answer so that was my answer. I text him and told him to let me know if he still wanted me to come over and other then replying to my email I sent him, he didn't acknowledge the fact that we had plans.

Further proof he's an ass and I need to keep him out of my life.

Ex - So remember my last post where I mentioned my desire to contact my ex and I was curious about my motives. I knew there was an odd feeling about it. I took some time to think about it. When I realized what my motives were I got angry, not at him or necessarily at myself, but more the situation.

I feel the reason behind me wanting to reach out to my Ex is because he's the last person that I ever felt TRULY loved me. Who wanted to be with me, who wanted me to be happy, who loved me for everything that I was, good and bad. That was what? Over four years ago? I've dated A LOT since then and he's the last guy I can honestly say genuinely cared about me? Yeah, you can now understand why I got frustrated and a bit discouraged.

That mixed in with my disappointment that The Drummer never contacted me, and still wondering how I could have mistaken the connection between the Setup and myself. I just kinda lost it on the whole dating front. I was pissed.

I went over to my parents for prayer group and no one else showed up so we spent the evening talking about where I was at emotionally. Oddly my dad was impressed with my maturity in realizing the true feelings behind wanting to contact the Ex. I am still surprised he thought that was mature when I felt foolish when I realized what the truth was behind why I wanted to contact him. I discussed my desire to stay on track. Not to lose sight of the goal to stay righteous.

My mom shared with me on Friday that temptation will come but it's all about whether or not I go forward in it. This has helped quite a bit because I get flashbacks of me and The Drummer because lets face it, sex was fantastic with him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to match it. I know if I hold off on having sex again for a VERY long time, then get married it should change it for me because the person I'm with is in love with me. The bummer is, now I have experienced amazing sex. Ugh...

So anyways, I'm really trying to stay on track, to be a good girl. I was frustrated that I got a little excited about hanging out with The Drummer. Then I felt an odd sense of rejection yet again. Then I realized it's God's protection. He knew I wasn't strong enough to hold up against the desire. And I'm glad now I didn't see The Drummer. I will see him in 2 days at the St Patrick's Day show. I will take pics. I will go home because I have to work the next day. I will be safe!

After talking to my parents I felt better. I let go of my frustrations with The Drummer. I now knew I could NOT contact my Ex for any reason. I felt like it was time to make sure things were ok with The Actor now too.

The Actor - So I sent an email to him shortly after my email to The Drummer. I went to bed and woke up to a message from him. It was sweet. He asked if my ears were ringing again because I had been on his mind. He agreed to having a great time. He said something only slightly confusing "wish we had better circumstances, but for how it worked.. I was glad we had a little fun time... " I'm not sure if he's referring to the fact that he has a girlfriend or to the fact that the second night didn't go too well. Maybe everything. Maybe he wouldn't have minded more time with just me. I don't know. But I am glad that things are still cool between us. He's a cool guy. And though I may have not been extremely attracted to him, I'm now looking at him with more admiring eyes. I guess sleeping with someone will do that to ya. I guess it's good that I'm not fully callused from having sex with guys that I don't really love.

The Setup - So my day has been going well. I was in good spirits at work. Energetic and productive. I was enjoying my time working late with no one else in the office when he called! The setup finally called! I wasn't ready to answer the call so I let him leave a message. He wanted to meet for coffee this week. He was cutely flustered on the voicemail. I called him back after a few minutes. We pretty much set it up for Sunday but he will call me Thursday or Friday to set firm plans. I'm actually VERY surprised he called. Pleasantly surprised though. I will be curious as to what comes of all this.

Well I need to go to bed... Goodnight strange world

What the?!

So The Drummer has suddenly taken an interest in me again. Why all the sudden? I have no idea. But this week he's been calling a lot! One night it was 4 times. Last night he called me at midnight. Then this morning. He's asked me to come over and help him with his computer. I'm scared about going over there. I also feel like it's a good thing. He's hinted at noticing my lack of interest in hanging out. At the time he mentioned it I wasn't prepared to answer with the truth, I just told him I was working a lot. (sigh) Why couldn't I tell him? As soon as I got off the phone I realized I've shot myself in the foot. I mean I can tell him but I've lost the seriousness of his behavior. I do plan on being honest if I get the chance.

I was teasing him tonight and he suddenly dropped offline so now I'm concerned. Oh well... I'm still not sure it's wise to go over to his place at all, daytime or not!

The Setup - Well I definitely was right not to use the term "the one"! He has yet to contact me since our first meeting last Sunday. He told our mutual friend that he planned to text me and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not totally writing him off, I mean it could be a new friend to talk to about the woes of Christians in the dating world. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath either. It's obvious he's (as they say) just not that into me! I am surprised he put on such a good show though. Why act the way he did if he wasn't all that interested? Oh well. Moving on...

The Actor - I've been thinking a lot about him. Not sure how to address the situation. I have some cute pics of us from his time here. I will post them but he's made it clear he doesn't want me to tag him in the photos. I'm guessing he didn't tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with chicks while he was down here.

I've been struggling not emailing my Ex this week. I don't know why he's been on my mind so much. I haven't heard from him since I met his wife at the reunion dinner in December. Part of me wonders if his wife told him she didn't want him contacting me anymore. I mean I knew she always had an issue with my ex and I staying in communication but it's just been an odd length of silence. I usually hear from him by now. I'm tempted to let him know about my brothers surgery, but then I am afraid of causing problems. Then I wonder what's my motivation for contacting him? Is it really all that healthy?

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about men these days. First Kiss sent me a couple sweet random texts last week. It's like, the moment I made the choice to avoid non-christian guys they came a running, and the one christian guy I met doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Annoying! How can I stay on track and be a good girl if all I have coming after me are the bad boys?

We'll see how well I do. I have every intention of NOT sleeping with The Drummer when I go over there tomorrow. Well technically today. I really should be sleeping because its daylight savings and I'm losing an hour.

Goodnight

Recent Activity

I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll update on The Drummer.

The Drummer - We had an extremely intimate night in early February a week or so prior to his birthday with was February 13th. One where I was considering the possibility of a relationship very likely. But of course, the moment that evening/morning was over I didn't hear from him for a week.

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of his birthday. I decided to stop by the local bar he frequents because I assumed he'd be partying it up. I was right. I showed up early enough that I thought I'd give him my birthday wishes and head home. But as soon as I got there he asked me to take him home. He was beyond drunk. It was odd, he had a rough day and of course I was the person next to him so he took his frustrations out on me.

The night was not good. He was cruel, harsh and rude... Saying that he agreed we had an extremely intimate night but that's all it was. That he didn't love me, he didn't have any feelings for me. Then two hours later after sobering up a bit became horny. In the moment he started pursuing me for sex, I had enough wits to say it wasn't a good idea especially since I was the one who had my feelings involved. He then acknowledged this and yet still kept pursuing and I, of course, couldn't help myself and had sex with him.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and felt completely and utterly disgusted and angry with myself and at him for taking advantage of me. I cried bitter tears. And in that moment my heart was changed.

I decided at that point I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again. I realized I had fallen for him and needed to keep my distance. He wasn't healthy for me. I was hurt. I felt foolish. Even now, after a few weeks I can't help but shake my head at my foolishness. And for the first time since I've made the decision to stay away I feel a twinge of pain, a sting in my eyes, like I want to cry but he's not worth it. I don't even know if my tears would be for him, or more for my shame.

So as it stands I haven't contacted him since February 14th of all days. He has text me a couple times, but I think he realizes that I'm avoiding him. He hasn't even made any attempt to find out whats wrong.

I will be seeing him March 17th. So it'll be interesting to see how he relates to me. Oh I did see him the 26th. I was walking to get the mail at my work and he happened to be going to the salon where my sister works and saw me. He honked and I went over to say hi. He seemed in a weird state. I was casual and was surprised to see him but decided it's further proof I need to keep him out of my life.

I wonder at times if he's curious. Part of me knows he wonders what happened, or maybe he knows exactly what happened. I'd like to think he regrets his behavior but then again another part of me realizes that's just wishful thinking.

So moving on...

The Actor - So as I wrote the above something hit me about my behavior with The Actor. I think maybe the reason I behaved like I did was because I still feel a bit cheap about the whole situation with The Drummer. Maybe I just didn't care anymore for that timeframe.

Let me explain. The Actor came down from Oregon for a week. We set up a photoshoot to get him some updated headshots. We joked about hooking up when he was down here. And well it happened. We were shooting in Santa Monica, and he planned on coming home with me so he could see some of his old friends.

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I put him in my office. We took a drive and he asked me if he was in the doghouse for some reason since he wasn't spending the night in my room. I told him honestly I wasn't sure how he felt. I mean we had chemistry online and when we were shooting I didn't get any particular vibe that he was into me. He said it was because so many people were around and he had actually hoped I would be going down solo. So we talked about things, I admitted I wasn't sure where I stood yet. I was definitely tempted but that I knew he had a girlfriend and felt awkward about that.

Yes, I slept with a man that had a girlfriend. Ugh... Anyways, so we get back to my place and we're looking through his pics of the day. He starts giving me a back rub and well you can guess where that led. We made our way to my room and we had sex. I was kind of shocked with my behavior. The sex was alright, he was definitely awesome with oral. But the sex just didn't do it for me. I realized at that point that The Drummer had ruined me, for a while at least. That I would need to not have sex again for a LONG time to even somewhat enjoy it without thinking of The Drummer and my experiences.

I woke up the next morning and we both got ready for church. I felt no remorse or guilt over my actions at that point. We spent the day hanging out and only got a chance to visit one or two people. I drove him back down to his friends in Sherman Oaks and it was already arranged that I would be spending the night. Of course, he was all about having sex again. And I guess because I felt like I had already gone there why not again. Though this time wasn't as good. In fact, he was a bit of a selfish bastard and didn't even make sure I was taken care of.

I confronted him on this and he at first was very surprised and even called me high maintenance to which I laughed and said how is it high maintenance to expect to orgasm? I asked if it was his practice to sleep with women and not care whether or not they had experienced an orgasm. I told him I knew what this was, that I wasn't expected that he care about me like a girlfriend but to at least care enough that I would cum too. He felt like crap I could tell. He said he would try and I laughed and told him there was no way I was in the mood now. Though I was proud of myself for calling him out on his shit. And if other women have experienced it, I don't think he's ever been called out on it.

We ended on a good note. I was pleasantly surprised. No I did not do anything more sexually with him other then a nice kiss goodbye in the morning. We text a few more times while he was down here in California but I haven't heard from him since he went home. I see he cleaned up his facebook which seems a bit odd to me. But I'm curious to how our friendship is going to be after this.

The Setup - I'm half tempted to call him The One... But I know that's silly and childish. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Emotionally dealing with my behavior and the realization of my behavior sinking in. I have since rededicated myself to purity. The fact that I was so callused when having sex with The Actor, it freaked me out. I really had to dig deep to feel any kind of remorse for my actions and that's even worse. That's why when I was writing the above about The Drummer and realized I felt a sting of tears coming on, I think it hit me then that I really was impacted by how pathetic I felt that night with him.

So I've been a fool. I have officially slept with 4 men in my life. Two within two weeks of eachother and that makes me feel disgusting. And worse yet, I now get to start talking about The Setup.

He's someone a friend has been trying to hook me up with for the last two years. He's really shy and well I guess two years ago, right when she was going to give him my information he started seeing someone. Well about a month and a half ago she's been bringing me up again. She gave him my number, gave me his number and asked if I'd be cool with him texting me first till he feels more comfortable. I said that was fine but he didn't like that. He decided to wait to meet in person and said he'd come to a worship concert at my church to meet me. I wasn't able to make it to the February one, so we me this last sunday for the first time.

I feel silly because there was a moment early on where I eyes locked and it felt like everything else went away. Normally I can't deal with eye contact that intense and turn away. But there was something about this that I couldn't help myself.

He's very attractive. He's tall and skinny like I like em. He seemed to have an immediate attraction to me as well. I was busy helping to set up and I would look up to catch him staring. We talked with ease. He's an interesting person. He's been raised in a Christian home just like me.

It wasn't until my best friend came up to me and mentioned The Actor's name that I suddenly was hit with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Like he was too good for me. Here I was sleeping around with guys in steady relationships and he's being a good Christian guy. How could he possibly like me. I know that in itself is cliche and I did my best to fight the lie.

I was very interested by the end of the night. He asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime and I said absolutely. I asked if he had my number and he told me he got it from Rashaell and mumbled something about not having his phone with him. We said our goodbyes, and he went over to our mutual friend to say goodnight. Apparently when he did he thanked her with excitement and she felt that was his way of letting her know he was very happy he had agreed to let us meet.

So I woke up this morning immediately thinking about the gaze. The moment we were staring into each other's eyes and everything else slipped away for a few moments. I then let my mind wonder... I could see myself in a relationship with him. A comfortable, casual but committed relationship.

I feel silly. Why am I thinking this? Is it because this is the first Christian, good looking, single guy I've met in like forever? Or is this because this could be something? I guess we'll have to wait and see. I've been praying and trying to hand it over to God.

But writing this post has made me doubt that God could bless me after my behavior for the last few months. Yes, I've asked for genuine forgiveness. Have made the commitment to purity. I've even been wearing a ring on my ring finger as a symbol to remind me of that commitment. Now meeting The Setup... I am more determined then ever to keep my purity intact from this point forward.

Junior - Ironic that Junior would text me today and tell me he was jealous of The Setup. He was at the worship concert and knew I was being setup and when he saw the guy and saw how interested I was, he felt jealous. I laughed because he and I haven't talked much lately, he seems majorly committed to his girlfriend the last few months. We haven't done much flirting at all till today. But I feel right now especially I need to be cautious of temptation. The enemy doesn't want me to succeed now that I've made a serious committment. He will try to throw things at me. I need to stand my ground.

Well it's late and I'm zoning. I should probably get to sleep. Hopefully my next post will be more positive and I'll have heard from the Setup! :)

January 21st, 2010

This was last updated on January 21st so I'm posting it now... Oh boy has everything changed!!!!

The Drummer - I have no idea what to share. The Drummer and I were pretty distant for the first few weeks of the year. I kept my distance and he would actually text me if he hadn't heard from me in a few days. I went through the emotional ups and downs but never felt truly sad about what was going on between us, or I should say the lack of anything.

I prepped myself for the show on the 15th as the next time I'd see him. I expected to be ignored. And also prepped myself to say no to sex. I wasn't sure what to expect. But when I got there I saw him and waved. He came over to give me a hug and I was surprised he apologized for not making it over sooner. He was nice all night but nothing major. I was busy takin pics and talking to all sorts of people that were there. It was super crowed but SOO much fun! It was everything I prepared myself for. I really wanted a night to let loose and have a good time hangin out and listening to good music.

Side Note: I was surprised that First Kiss was showing me so much attention. He sent me a picture text of himself saying hi and that he would see me at the show. I sent him a picture of myself back and the flirting began. When I saw him at the show I was super excited he was there. He was totally flirty and everything. He asked me to go to a masquerade ball on Valentines Day and I told him sure why not.

One thing about this last time The Drummer and I screwed up is I am not insecure about where I stand. Maybe I'm just used to the concept that he's not in love with me but we're sleeping together? I had a text conversation with Computer Geek about that and I could tell he didn't like that idea for me. It's sweet that he cares about me that much. But right now I am having a hard time keeping away from the Drummer.

Hmm... interesting development... The Drummers band just got booked for a last minute show. His friend whom I totally adore asked me if I was going. She wanted to know if we wanted to ride together. I haven't heard from the band so I don't know if or why I haven't been invited. I'm feeling a tad odd. Should I go? Should I not? Now that I know the Drummer hasn't contacted me should I think he doesn't want me there? hmmm... what to do? I'll be really hurt if he doesn't contact me. :( sigh... why did this have to come out right before I have to go to bed. Ugh!

Well the above was written wow a while ago... It sucks that I don't have a time stamp. But I'm gonna say the 22nd. After I logged off the computer I decided to call the Drummer and give him shit for me having to hear about the show from someone else. His excuse... He sent out a forward text and wasn't going to send me one of those. He was going to let me know about it personally but that he just hadn't had a chance to think let alone make a call or text for me personally. It was a fun, teasing conversation and I told him I'd try to make it.

The next day he text me the forward and I gave him shit for it. He told me to call him on my break, I was a conference for the church. One of the reasons I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to the show. I got home earlier then expected. I also got a text from The Drummer letting me know he put me on the guest list. At this point I knew I had to go.

I told my brother that I was going to a last minute show of the Drummers other band and very surprisingly he said, so that means you aren't going to be home tonight? I was taken back by the statement but then thought about the reality of it. I told him I couldn't say one way or the other. I decided to text the Drummer and ask if I was spending the night and I never got a reply. I found out later he was about to reply that he didn't think it was a good idea but decided against it.

The show went well. The Drummer was in a really good mood though I didn't get a chance to hang out with him that much. It wasn't until the end of the night that somehow we had decided I was driving him home because The Bassist had too much to drink and I was attempting to take them both home but it didn't work out. I'm sure he was still unsure of whether or not he wanted me to spend the night.

His friend was with us. She was debating on joining us but I think she realized we kind of wanted to be alone. She lives close to the Drummer and I had to pick her up for the show so I dropped her off. She and I had made plans to meet the next day for lunch. She's super cool and I totally love her. I had an immediate connection with her when I met her at on December 11th.

More about The Drummer...

The Drummer - So I haven't been ready to share about The Drummer lately. I think because my heart is too involved. So much has happened. I'm really confused. I'm not sure what we are. I know we have decided to just be friends yet both of us know there is more there, A LOT more.

Even now my heart is beating hard. Why? Because he's supposed to call and let me know when to come over. In my mind I plan on going to sleep. I didn't sleep at all at his place last night. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow in Big Bear. I don't know why I don't just send him a text sayin that I'm crashing and let it be. I guess because I feel I've been buggin him tonight. Yet, if he never calls it will piss me off. I know it's Christmas and he's been drinking. I also know we woke up in eachother's arms on Christmas morning. Did I ever expect that!? No!

Ok so I should probably start back to my last post. I mentioned that I knew I was in trouble when he came back to kiss me on the cheek. Well not even two days passed before we talked about it. I told him I felt my heart was getting too involved.

well he just called... I'm meeting him afterall... (Sigh) more to come.

Ok so the above was Christmas night which was Friday night... Back to what I was writing about, our "talk".

So our "talk" was on that Monday or Tuesday (Dec 14th or 15th), he said he could tell I was getting too involved and it made him nervous because he didn't want to hurt me. We talked about how as much as we enjoy the sex it's probably best if we stop. I felt sad and a little dissappointed. He was still planning on joining me for the reunion dinner.

Over the next couple of days I kind of kept my distance. I even considered not having him go with me to the reunion dinner because I didn't want to deal with our uncomfortableness along with the awkwardness of meeting my Ex's wife. But when I told him he didn't have to go because the group was getting a little too big he seemed to think it was only because of our talk. I told him that wasn't the case but I guess deep down it might have been. I mentioned something on the group page about not bringing a date because the group was so big but they wanted me to bring one anyways. I explained that if he had to work he wouldn't be able to go. And confirmed The Drummer was still willing to go if I needed him to.

So the week continued and that Saturday (Dec 19th) The Drummers band had another show. I went knowing The Drummer and I had made a decision not to get physical. When I saw him at the show I noticed his eyes were puffy and his nose looked pretty messed up. I found out he was out at a bar the night before and got punched pretty hard from the side and his nose was broken. He looked pretty miserable. I could tell the show wasn't one of their best performances but I couldn't tell if it was only because his nose was broken or if there was something going on with the guys. I asked the Bassist's fiance and she said she could see it too.

After the performance I spent most of the time talking to The Singer and his friends outside and I barely saw The Drummer. I still get surprised that he and I barely seem to talk while at his shows. Anyways, I saw him looking over to me but he didn't seem to make any effort to make conversation.

I happened to be walking by the bar to go to the restroom and I saw him sitting on a stool looking rather pathetically miserable. I went up to him and asked how he was holding up. He said he wasn't doing well at all and just wanted to go home. I asked him why he wasn't going home and he said it's because he didn't have a ride and that his car was at the Bassist's place. I told him I would take him home and he seemed grateful but also felt bad about me missing out on the rest of the show. I told him it didn't matter and I could always come back. I even teased and said, I'll drop you off and won't come in. He smiled and it was decided I was taking him home.

I could tell he was pretty messed up, he could barely walk straight. I got him home and he offered to have me come in. I told him it wasn't a good idea because we had a hard time being good. He said he would make sure to be good because he really enjoyed my company.

So I went in and we hung out for a while on the couch talking about this that and everything. We talked quite extensively about our feelings. He said he cares about me greatly and he thinks I'm more beautiful and I have a better body then the other girl he's hung up on. He noticed my reaction to his comment about my body and asked if I believed him. I told him it was hard to and he said it was the truth and he liked my body better then hers. He knows I'm really good to him. And yet, even if the other girl wasn't in the picture we both know a relationship isn't wise, not with our lifestyles and beliefs being so different. Yet we couldn't help but get closer as the night progressed. I found myself holding his hand and he admitted to his hesitation on being affectionate back. I wasn't sure what was going on, even in my own thoughts.

We decided to watch Patch Adams and go to sleep. I had every intention of being good. But as usual things progressed towards sex. The sex was extremely intimate. I mean he's always been very passionate but he kept making me orgasm, so many times I lost count and I was exhausted to the point I didn't think I could any more and yet he kept going and made me orgasm two more times! It was fantastic! My stomach drops every time I think about our experiences. I also felt horrible because of his nose! He could barely breath and yet he was still leaving me completely weak and very satisfied!

I'm still so surprised he doesn't have to do much to make me orgasm. I'm not very experienced but there's just something about our fit that makes me go crazy! He also does something that I consider very intimate, which is staying inside of me. He'd lay with his dick inside me all night if I'd let him. He intertwines our bodies and holds me tight. I've asked around and found that it's an uncommon thing for guys to do, and its definitely more in line with love making then just fucking.

After a few hours, we went to sleep. I woke up to him climbing on top of me and putting his dick inside of me. I had never experienced that before and it was fucking awesome! What an amazing way to wake up! It didn't take me long to orgasm and he came for the first time that night (he had made the entire night about pleasing me) and we both fell back to sleep until I had to get up and head home to shower and go to church like a good girl.

As I got dressed he teasingly asked what happened and that hadn't we agreed not to do that anymore. I laughed but knew it was true. I didn't have any issues with how it worked itself out but I knew my heart was even more involved with him now.

Fresno - I had agreed to meet Fresno down at his new place in Aliso Viejo on that Sunday evening (Dec 20th). I wasn't sure how I felt about it because he kept pushing for me to spend the night and he kept wanting to know what I liked to drink for alcohol.

One thing about realizing my heart is now focused solely on The Drummer it means all these other men are put off to the wayside. Even African, whom I haven't even explained here is no longer any interest. Mind you, he also hasn't taken the time to call but I think he got tired of me putting him off. I'll give a short explanation of him in the end.

Anyways, I left my place at about 4:30 and got down to Fresno's place at 6:30 and we went to dinner. He had a nice place. I hadn't realized how close to Laguna beach he really was. We went to BJs restaurant there and ate some appetizers only because I had eaten shortly before heading down. We went back to his place and watched "Italian Job" and as soon as it was done he asked if I was ready for bed! I was like, "um, yeah I'm heading home." He seemed surprised but then explained it away to himself that it was because I would deal with traffic Monday morning. Which was true but I even told him I was sort of seeing someone just so he knew he wouldn't be able to attempt anything with me.

It's always nice to hang out with him. But it's odd that he keeps wanting to make it more then just a friend thing. I left at about 11:30 so I got home late.

Reunion Dinner w/ the Ex - So Monday, Decemember 21st I went down to the reunion dinner.

The Drummer didn't end up going with me because his nose was really bad and he had two black eyes. He said he would go but he was concerned about what my friends would think of me hanging out with someone like that. Which I thought was rather sweet of him to be concerned for me. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me but I was feeling like it was how the night should have worked out. It was something I knew I should face alone.

I got to the restaurant and saw my Ex's brothers girlfriend driving in just in front of me. She hasn't seen me since I've lost all this weight and immediately commented on it. It was great to see her. She and I have stayed friends even after my Ex and I broke up. Actually I'm still fairly close to his entire family.

I walked up and saw my Ex sitting at the table. My heart started pounding. I tried to calm my nerves by the time I walked in and saw his wife sitting and a few people there. I was so flustered I walked up stuck my hand out to shake hers and didn't even introduce myself. I was busy saying hi to everyone and then when I tried to find a place to sit I couldn't make it too obvious I was sitting away from them because they were in the center and it worked out that I sat across from them. It wasn't intentional. I knew it was obvious I was feeling awkward and tried to stay busy.

I walked outside and ran into my favorite people of the group. They also haven't seen me since the weight loss and both their mouths dropped open in shock of how good I look. I felt awkward and grateful they didn't get the chance to gush in front of my Ex and his wife. It took me maybe 20 minutes to relax from my initial interaction with my Ex. I was frustrated that I had made it obvious I was nervous and awkward about meeting her.

So seeing the Ex wasn't that hard. I remember looking at him and thinking, yes, this is a man I knew intimately well at one point, now he's a perfect stranger. That was an odd feeling. His wife is not very photogenic so I noticed she looked prettier then in her pictures. Yet I couldn't honestly say which one of us was prettier. I know, petty... But it was one of my thoughts. I was dying to know what she was thinking of me. I couldn't get a feel for her emotions. I talked to her only in passing conversation. In the end of the night I went up to her and gave her a hug and told her it was great to meet her.

As far as interaction with The Ex, there were a few times during the night I noticed we did a lot of the side glances and quickly looking away. There was one person sitting next to me who started talking about anal sex and a girls first experience and that was the only extremely awkward moment for me because it made me think of my first experience with anal being with my Ex. Of course, thinking about it leads to visual memories and I seriously had a hard time shaking the scenes in my head. No one knew my thoughts and it's not like I thought my Ex was thinking of our experiences, but I felt awkward thinking of him in that light while he sat across from me next to his wife!

I gave him a hug at the end of the night and wished I could talk to someone about what they thought of the night, the interaction or even what they thought of his wife and me in comparison. But sadly I don't know any of them well enough to go there with them and I left with lots of unanswered questions.

I also felt slightly awkward because I knew his wife never felt ready to meet me and this time she didn't have a choice. And she has always had an issue with my Ex and I staying friends. She's never understood why he continues to talk to me. I, myself, have also wondered at times why he's kept his promise to stay in touch. Mind you, his contact has gone from monthly to every couple months but he still makes the initial contact.

I was also curious as to what everyone else thought of the situation but all-in-all I thought it went really well. I felt confident and sexy so it didn't matter to me what the wife thought of me. Everyone else kept commenting on my weight loss and it felt good to know I looked better then I have in a LONG time.

Back to the Drummer - So I sent the Drummer a text on the way home letting him know it went well, even though he wasn't there. We talked about his dislike of Christmas the last time I spent the night and how he gave back "Garden State" to the other girl and he was really bummed about it.

Wednesday the 23rd I called around and found a copy of the movie and decided to be possibly really stupid and buy it for him. I also grabbed a few movies so that he'd have more then the few he's been watching over and over again. I text him to find out if he was at home and explained I had some movies for him to watch. I could tell he seemed really happy about the fact that I had thought of him like that.

I looked cute because I had just gone to the Candlelight Service at the church and was all dressed up. I literally stopped over, showed him the movies and looked at the progress of his nose healing and left. He knew I had pictures to edit.

Christmas Eve he kept textin me updates on which movie he was watching which seemed unusual for him. He ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours and at about 3am he asked me to come over. He made a promise to be good and for once we were! I got over there and we started Donnie Darko and were talking too much to really watch it. During this conversation we talked about the fact that I'm pretty much his best friend, he said possibly the best friend he's ever had. He doesn't want to lose that.

We slept in the same bed but didn't do anything. Of course the temptation was there, he gave me a couple hugs and kisses on the cheek throughout the night. I will say waking up next to him on Christmas morning was a little more romantic then it should have been. It didn't help that he left to grab some dog food and brought me back a coffee! He knew I was a starbucks fan but just got the gas station coffee and even tried to make sure not to put too much cream and sugar. Freakin sweet! We relaxed and talked about random stuff. He was in a super good mood. He kept sayin he was actually happy this Christmas because he woke up to his absolute best friend with him and a stack of great movies to watch. And that he had a lot to be happy about.

I had to head home and get ready for my Christmas Day plans, which wasn't much because we're not doing our Christmas until New Years when my sister has her kids. But I was going to a movie with the family and then over to my parents for dinner.

The Drummer had mentioned at night his roommate, her boyfriend and he were planning on playing board games if I wanted to come over. I said I would. This is sort of where this post started. Me waiting for him to call me and let me know when to come over.

He called me from his moms house, too drunk to drive home. He asked me to come pick him up. I got directions but he found out I wouldn't be able to stay late because of my plans to drive up to Big Bear the next morning. He decided to chance driving home and just told me to meet him there.

I got there before he did and I'm comfortable enough with his roommate and her boyfriend so I was chillin till he got there. This is where things get a little odd. I'm still trying to work out what happened.

The Drummer and the boyfriend started playing Yatzee. The Drummer was reacting strangly towards me but I couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong. I felt like he was frustrated that I kept trying to help him out in the game. And I was embarrassed because I was keeping score and kept screwing up the math. He also seemed to be mad that I was cheering on the boyfriend rather then him, which wasn't true but I guess that's how he saw it. At the end of the 4th game he seemed really moody with me and thats when he accused me of flirting with his roommates boyfriend!!! I was in shock! I had no thoughts towards the boyfriend at all. But I was also confused because The Drummer told me we weren't together, why would he be so mad that I was flirting (well other then the fact that it's his roommates boyfriend). He said she gave him a look like "what the fuck?" and then went to bed. I saw her looking at me but I wasn't sure what emotion was going on. I thought she was just watching the interaction between The Drummer and I.

He was REALLY angry. He wouldn't believe me when I made him explain what his issue was. He felt I should have known what I was doing. I'm still unsure of what he saw. I know my personality. I'm flirtatious with everyone, but I mean there were times I was WAY flirty with the Singer in front of The Drummer and it didn't seem to bother him.

The only thing I could think of is our dynamic has changed. He allowed himself to have feelings for me. He kept saying he knew he shouldn't be jealous because we're not together. But then he would say he never wanted me to do it again. It took a while for both of us to get to a comfortable point about everything. I told him the flirting was unintentional and that he should know where my heart is. He kept saying it's possible he read it wrong but it wasn't until his roommate confirmed it with the look she gave him that he started to get extremely angry. I finally had to just say I was sorry, and he has this thing about sorry meaning you'll never do it again and I said that's what I mean. The conversation was pretty tense for a while. I felt horrible.

I always knew when I got back into a relationship I would have a hard time not flirting like I'm used to. But I had no idea I was in a relationship! I think he realized that and backed off on being so angry with me.

So I asked if I was staying the night, he said I could, but that there was no chance for us having sex. I was fine with that. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep the night before and well arguing until 2am is never fun!

His mood shifted quickly and he was rambling about other things with a snide comment here and there about me flirting with another guy. He did say something about not expecting that behavior from me, and he was used to women treating him like crap, but not me. He even realized that if my actions were intentional it was the way to make him like me more. As messed up as it is, I think he's right. I've always felt the reason we weren't in a relationship is because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him good and isn't emotionally unstable.

At one point I told him I thought about the "L" word just that day when it came to how I felt about him. I told him I knew I did love him but that I wasn't "in love".

I fell asleep to him rambling and he was ok with that. He apparently talks more when he's drinking. I was half asleep and said "I love you" and he said he loved me too. At one point he asked me a question and I was so out of it I couldn't summon the voice to respond, then he started talking about how he felt a lot of love for me but that he's just scared because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him so good.

He went to have a smoke, but before he walked out he leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered that it pissed him off when he realized the roommates boyfriend knew he had the upper hand and started using it.

When he was gone I tried to figure out what he meant by that. When he came back The Drummer was all excited because he could breath normally for the first time since breaking his nose, which his sister (a nurse) felt he needed surgery to correct. He was almost giddy and I couldn't help but wake up a little and share in his happiness.

At the time, I remember how it started, but now I can't remember how it started. Oh! He asked if I was hungry, I said no but told him if he was hungry he should go make himself something to eat. He said that I would need to remove my pants if he were to be able to get something to eat! I was shocked! And of course, had to tell him that aside from us knowing we shouldn't go there, I was on the tail end of my period and he wouldn't want to eat me.

He said that was even better, that it meant I could sit on him. And when I told him I thought we were not gonna do that anymore he said that I had asked him how I could make up flirting with his roommates boyfriend in front of him, this is how I could do it! I called him an ass with a huge smile on my face and it didn't take us long to get hot and heavy.

I was quite surprised we were having sex especially after what took place. I guess maybe I should have known since it meant his feelings for me were stronger then I think even he knew they were. It was good as usual. We took a small break and the second time I will have to say was me starting it. After we were done with round two he was in a really silly mood. He took the blame for our first romp and blamed me for the second. He started tickling me and then telling me not to be so loud since others were sleeping. In fact, it turns out the door was open when we were having sex. So at any point the roommate and her boyfriend could have heard us! I felt embarrassed but also kind of wondered if he did that on purpose.

Either way, we finally went to sleep and I woke up early because I had to make a trip up to Big Bear early. I kissed him on the cheek goodbye and felt good about where we were.

It wasn't until later that I was left wondering what the heck we are! He still says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet, his reaction to what he thought was going on between me and his roommates boyfriend shows his feelings are WAY more possessive then he let on. In fact, I think the possessiveness just started as well.

He told me that the band members blew up that pic of me and him kissing and taped it to his base drum and how he thought it was completely adorable. He talked about not being ashamed of what we'd done.

Saturday morning I got home, showered and head up to Big Bear by 10am and on my way back down sent him a text. I'd been there most of the afternoon. I didn't get a reply till later and when I did I really didn't expect to keep a conversation going but he actually did!

Today, Sunday, I sent him a text asking how he was doing and didn't get a text till later that he was actually working and would contact me later. I got a text at 8:30 saying he just walked through the door. I mentioned that I'd ask if he wanted company but I was sure he'd probably be too tired. He text back that yeah, he wasn't up for company but then called me to talk.

It's going to be a busy week. So I probably won't get to see him much. I haven't spent this much time with him EVER! I'm normally not talking or texting him this consistently. I have no idea how the next few days will go. I tend to think I should keep my distance. Not that I'm the only one opening communication. But it's just a bit much for me. It feels too much like it's already a relationship. I could tell when he called tonight I was feeling awkward, unsure of what to talk about or if I should try to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

I will just take it one day at a time, like I've been doing. I guess because I see the progression of us over the last few months grow exponentially I'm curious if it's finally hit that wall. I'm not saying this relationship has grown quickly but I can definitely see the intensity shift even though BOTH of us have said it's not something we feel would be a good thing. I'm starting to wonder if either of us can help ourselves.

African - I'm so not in the mood to go into discussing him. I probably will never get around to it. But for now I'm leaving it for the next post.