Been A While...

Things have shifted with Obsession. In a good way. And I'm grateful for it. It's shifted in the past and re-surfaced into a full blown crush so I'm hesitant to say anything but I almost feel that this whole COVID-19 Work At Home situation gave me the space I needed. I still want to talk to him. But when I do, my brain doesn't drift towards the inappropriate. 

....................................................................................

Welp... I knew it wouldn't last long. lol I had a dream about him the night before last. I was left feeling foolish and stupid. Which is how I tend to feel at times when I get done oversharing with him. Either way, the above was written I believe last week. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday. He was very chatty. Seemingly surprised to see me. All smiles. When we sat down to talk he shared more than usual. Stories about his brother and mom and asking my opinion on if he should feel the way he did. We were clearly on the same page, I'd say something in agreement and he'd be like, "See! So it's not just me!" He was complimentary. I shared how I had a rough visit with my sister. I told him I mentioned a conversation he and I had with her and he was jokingly affronted that I would share our private conversations. He asked if my sister was jealous of my positive nature. I asked him why she'd be jealous of me, that she was the one with the nice new house. He said that you can have nice things but without an upbeat positive attitude it doesn't help much. He said I was bold. And seemed to admire that quality. I could tell he was referring to me being so completely honest with him, about my attraction to him. He says he thinks "Man, I can't believe she admitted that!" (never outright admitting to my acknowledgements) He has brought up a couple times how he's surprised I can be so bold. I always correct him that it's also stupid and he always argues that it isn't stupid he's just never been able to be so bold himself. He seemed surprised I talk to my Ex. He said his wife would never be ok with that. I shared how I had to have a lunch with my Husband Creatures ex and how uncomfortable I was with that until she spoke. lol 

We talked about my journaling. He still has the one I got him, he's only written a couple sentences in it and that he thinks of things to write but when it comes time to sit and write he feels silly. I asked if it's because he keeps thinking someone is going to read it and he agreed that was probably the issue. I told him how I need privacy because of my complete honesty and he asked if I wrote things that shouldn't be read by my husband and if I had a lock on it or anything. I told him no, but that if my Husband Creature read it, there would be a couple entries he wouldn't be happy with. His eyes got wide. I started to share that I have a private blog that I don't share any names and I just label the people I'm talking about. He seemed completely intrigued and ready to ask questions but someone walked in and by the time they left it was time for me to head out. I doubt he'll bring it up again. And if he does I have to be sure NOT to tell him his label lol That would be bad! 

He showed me more photos than usual. He shared how he went riding this last weekend. And hiking another day. He turned to me and we were super close. An intense moment. But again not the electricity I have felt in the past. And listening to that song by Selena Gomez - Fun. It doesn't pull me like it used to. So aside from still having a pull towards him, dreams and anticipation of getting to see him, it does seem my Obsession has toned down a bit. Though not enough for me to be glad about it yet. 

Random Run In

So shockingly I ended up seeing Obsession the night of April 1st at his brothers grave site. It was completely unintentional. I was driving to a store and happened upon the street and something just made me think, fuck it, let's see if I can find it... I drove down looking for crosses and poof he's sitting in his truck right in front of it on the phone. I wanted to stop, I wanted to text, I wanted to honk, something... He was off work a couple of hours early. I flipped around and ended up just texting him. We had our longest text interchange since my dad was in the hospital with his heart attack. I wasn't sure how it was received. I felt silly. I genuinely had no intention of invading his privacy. He seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort to find the spot. I made sure to mention that I didn't realize he would be taking off work early so he knew I wasn't even expecting to see him.

I made a point not to reach out to him again until I found out my work was sending me to "Work At Home" for the next couple of weeks but that I'd still have to go to one office once-a-week. He said he'd be doing the same and said we should coordinate our trips down. I'm gonna be honest. I've obsessed over this statement more than I'd like to admit. Still haven't heard so I'm waiting to see what he'll say or if he'll just be there Tuesday. I can't work overtime for the next few weeks either. So we'll see. I told him I'd for sure be there Tuesday. We'll see if he shows up. I was just surprised he would go out of his way to see me. It felt like the first time he's made me feel like he wants to see me.

So my Ex and I have been chatting on Snapchat. And somehow the conversation turned to all the concerns I had after we broke up and never had the opportunity to ask him about. It was very cathartic! He was complimentary. But nothing too inappropriate. We talked about some sexual stuff but I made sure to keep it on the surface and mentioned that it shouldn't be discussed further. I mean it's so easy to slip back into the flirting stages with an ex. I have to be careful especially after Colorado.

There's really not much more to say about that. But as I look at my last part, why am I so controlled with Ex and not Obsession? *sigh*

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"

My world has been turned upside down with this Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. I am still at work though so thank God for getting paid. I'm nervous if/when they send me home, at this point I wouldn't get paid. It's possible as things progress and I'm selected to stay home they may continue to pay me. But it's unlikely and I know sending me home is inevitable at this point. 

This week has drained me. It started this weekend when I went to the store because we needed groceries. Talk about an unsettling experience! I'm still shook by it. Looking back I can understand why it was so bad in that moment. They had just announced school closures and the parents were making sure they had food for their kids being home. But either way, the shelves being empty was such a crazy site to see! The crowds, the chaos, the lack of necessities... It was all too overwhelming. I was pretty shook after our trips to the store. We started at one store that didn't have anything, and ended up at a higher end more expensive store. We were able to get some beef... 

*The above was written 3/19/20 @ 1:06pm*

So today is an important day for Obsession. His brother passed away 3 years ago today. I made him a card yesterday and was going to interoffice it, but something told me that wasn't ok. So I just called him at his desk this morning. We actually talked more than I expected. He usually wants to get off the phone as quickly as possible. But he seemed to want to chat, asked how I was holding up.  Said he just thought about me this morning because he saw my container I used to give him cookies the last time. We talked a good 15 minutes which for the phone is a record, in person we talk for hours. But I'm the one that shut down the conversation. I didn't want to lose my momentum of sorts. At that point I felt I was a breath of fresh air for his day vs. overstaying my welcomed call. If that makes sense. I told him I'd see him next week. I'm oddly sad that I won't get to see him this week. It's a rare thing not to see him at least once-a-week. 

I kind of miss him, but it's weird. The last time I saw him I felt I overstayed the conversation. It made me want to keep my distance for a bit. That's probably why I felt awkward about the card. Seemed like too much. A call is simple. Not too personal. I felt like he seemed more interested in people walking behind me than our conversation. Especially a girl in another department that seems to fit his physical type. She comes to hang out with the front desk lady in his area. She's beautiful but she's... kind of a ditzy. So it's hard to imagine he'd enjoy her company long term. Looking back though, she's interrupted his focus on more than one occasion. He and I share so much in common its kind of crazy. We share the same morals, even some spiritual similarities, and mostly we agree in how life is, should be and could be. Goes back to me just avoiding him for a while and see how it goes. I need a break from worrying about how he feels about me. Especially when life right now is so unstable!

So I'm still working during this Coronavirus Pandemic. It's odd that some people act like this is being blown out of proportion and others feel like we're all going to die. I'm somewhere in the middle. Not worried about myself, but others that may be impacted if my sickness gets passed on to them. And sometimes I wonder if the massive cold I had in February may have been COVID-19 but we'll never know. I had a dry cough, felt like crap, had a hard time breathing, went to the drs and was told I had bronchitis. I had a rough time in the beginning getting all my necessities but now that I have those, things have been mellow for a couple of weeks. It looks like the stay-at-home order is through the end of this month. And it's most likely kids won't return to school until next school year. Our entire way of life has changed lately. And I can't help but be excited to see the change in families spending more quality time together. Or the churches utilizing apps to allow people to stay connected. I've never been more grateful for Zoom and Marco Polo. lol 

My Husband Creature has really been great. He is doing what he can to help me. At first he seemed to revert back to selfishness until I explained my stress level and he has picked up where he can. He's now helping me go to the stores. We've talked about how things will change once we get our son's school packet and how I'll need his help. I asked him how I can help with him getting breaks, because he's stuck at home almost all the time now, and I at least get out and go to work. He works still part-time. But he hasn't been able to get out to his weekly game. I get the need to get out. And our son is stir-crazy so he's been challenging. My Husband Creature said he didn't feel he could ask me to do more without putting me out more than I already am. We're doing well with trying not to be self-focused and helping each other out.

Either way, life is different and new... I'm sure this event will forever change the way we as a society do things. But for now, just moving forward with what needs to be done. 

*Updated 12:55 pm* 
Weird... It just struck me that I haven't talked to Colorado in over a year! I was curious about him maybe a week ago. I looked him up on Facebook. Nothing really to see. It's crazy how someone that could matter so much suddenly is no longer a major part of my life. Makes me sad to think that Obsession will eventually become one of those people. It would be for the best for sure though. I still think about Colorado, wonder how he's doing now and then. But honestly, just wish him the best. If I lost contact with Obsession he'd probably just miss me for my cookies. lol And no, there is no secondary meaning in that. 

That's Hot

At some point our conversation went to Wonder Woman and I mentioned that Gal Gadot is hot! He agreed and leaned forward and said "it's hot that you say she's hot". lol

We had an interesting chat about his interview for upper management. Though he brought up the fact that he could be my boss some day if he got it. And how awesome it would be to work together every day and how he'd ask for cookies every day, warm cookies and cold milk! lol The thought was a new concept for me. I had never thought about the fact that if he promotes he's in a position to be my direct boss and what that would mean. If he ever did become my direct supervisor I'm not sure how my Husband Creature would feel about that. I don't know how *I* would feel about that! Sigh

It was also brought up that I was taking photos for a lot of our coworker's kids. He mentioned his daughter is graduating this year and he should probably consider getting her photos done. He asked how much I charge and asked to see my recent shoot of our coworkers sons' senior portraits. I showed him. He didn't seem to respond like he thought they were all that good. But he said he would talk to his wife and let me know. My first thought is, if she's not even ok with us texting there is no way she'd hire me to do their daughter's senior photos. But I have to say if it ever came about I'd have to check with Husband Creature and see if he'd be ok with it. Every time I think about it though, I'm convinced Obsession's wife wouldn't even allow it. So I shouldn't have to worry about it. He asked when people usually get them done. I said it's typically the summer before the Senior year but I suggest the latest would be Spring before graduation so they can get their announcements printed up in time. He seemed surprised and happy to get the info. So we'll see.

Another friend from his unit and I were talking about trying to grow our hair out and how cutting it makes it stronger and helps it grow. She started to complain her husband doesn't like it when she cuts her hair. I told her my husband said it's a divorceable offense if I cut my hair. We started to wonder why guys like long hair on women. So we went to Obsession to ask him. I happened in passing to ask if it's about the concept of pulling hair and he said he wasn't much of a hair puller himself. I was surprised because a well placed hair tug could totally get me going, but I didn't go into detail. It was the other girl who brought up that my reaction sounded like I like my hair pulled. I laughed and casually said yes I did. Obsession said he prefers long hair but couldn't tell me why. He just did. But said it wasn't a divorceable offense for him. Then he asked what happens if I get cancer and lose all my hair, would my Husband Creature divorce me? I laughed and realized I need to clarify that with my Husband Creature. lol I'm sure there's a clause that will maintain my marriage if cancer were to cause me to lose my hair.

Feeling stupid for no reason?

So yesterday I had one of those moments... Feeling stupid for no apparent reason...

I saw Obsession. The conversation went fine. He was super sweet as usual. We kept getting interrupted but nothing awkward or horrible happened and yet I left feeling stupid and foolish. Was it because of my obsessive thoughts since his email sharing that he thought I was fun to talk to? Probably. It probably struck me that it was stupid to get all infatuated by that statement. Stupid to think I'm the only person he enjoys talking to. Stupid to think I matter.

So really I think it's just me feeling stupid about how much his email had an impact on me.

He did give me a protein bar for me to try which I thought was sweet of him. It was his favorite kind. Chocolate Brownie Kirkland brand. He asked me about my coloring and where I go. I've often wondered if he'd ever show up there one of these days. He shared that he knows how to play the ukulele and that his one full song is Jason Mraz I'm Yours. I shared that he needed to get comfortable playing it over the next couple of months and perform for me. He said he would if I danced to him playing on Tik Tok. I still don't get Tik Tok. We talked about social media. He got turned off by Facebook because of all the food pics. I shared I'm more of an Instagram user, that I take pics of my art not so much food. Somewhere in there a girl from another unit came through. She talked about Tik Tok and dancing in a tube top. Obsession seemed intrigued. She said her husband wasn't ok if she posted it and Obsession piped up that he agreed, he wouldn't want his wife showing off on Tik Tok. This particular girl is in my opinion really pretty. Maybe there is a part of me that wonders if Obsession thinks she's as fun to talk to?

We talked about him having asthma. How he thinks I have asthma even though I told him the doctor said it was bronchitis. I guess there were a couple of moments where I felt like he wasn't really listening. Normally I feel his full undivided attention and yesterday he seemed distracted. Maybe that's all it was.

Ultimately it was a good day and a good chat. Yet I kept telling myself "Fuck it" yesterday after I left. And I can't quite figure out why? Why am I suddenly so ashamed? Maybe it's the Holy Spirit? Maybe it's my foolishness in my own heart. Danger is prevalent but maybe this is the danger my counselor was talking about.

Interesting Conversations

Yesterday I saw Obsession. We talked for 2 hours and could have kept going but I was already leaving late as it was. The song was brought up. I talked about how great things were with Husband Creature and how we both felt like this was the best year of our marriage. And then I said and then I do stupid things. He said oh like call me a "distraction"? With how horrible his memory was I was shocked he recalled that conversation. And I said that, and admitting what I did that time, and ... the song, that stupid song I never should have shared. He said he laughed. I turned bright red and told him I was embarrassed and he said "Good". lol He said he was going to text me something in the lyrics but decided against it. When I asked him what he said he couldn't remember. But something about the you may not be the one but you look like ... fun. He said that he got a little shy afterwards.  Then after a moment of awkwardness I said, ok... moving on. lol We had a discussion about our beliefs and God and Christianity vs Jehovah Witness. Pretty intense one. I had to find scriptures for him. So I sent them to him in an email this morning. But I asked him a question at the end and got (what I felt was) positive feedback.

Me: ... Also I have to ask… I know I feel like we’re friends but do *you* feel like we’re friends? Lol Or am I just that crazy coworker that gives you an ego boost? ;) 

Obsession: You’re funny, of course I feel like we’re friends. Why would you say that…?And no it’s not “an ego boost”. You’re fun to talk with, I enjoy the discussions. It’s refreshing…it gets slow in the office and hard to focus some times.  

Me: Lol Well good I’m glad. The reason I asked is because I’m an over-sharer… as we’ve established. Lol I lay my sharing cards out on the table and explain each one. You keep your sharing cards closer to your chest. So it’s not as obvious. Sometimes I’m left wondering… lol 

Obsession: You’re a good observer too. Yes, I’m less of a “sharer” I guess. Sorry you’re left wondering, I don’t do it on purpose. That’s probably my downfall, or at least one of them. 

There was more to each message but those are the important points. And points that I just realized have been established for the first time. I mean I always assumed. He always welcomed me with open arms. Draws me in and asks for me to sit and talk with him. I felt like we were friends but I can't text him, call him and rarely get to email him. So that's the odd part, that makes me feel like we're not quite friends.

Anyways, I'm super sick. I'm going home for the day.

I did something stupid... Again

I'm a fool - So it happened... The thoughts came out of my mouth... I knew it was wrong.

... ...

The above was written the day I shared with Obsession that not only was I attracted to him but that a song I recently started listening to reminded me of him. "Fun" by Selena Gomez. I did share it was inappropriate. He asked if he was blushing at one point, touching his face. Meaning it was feeling hot in the face. I didn't see the blushing. I did tell him in such a way as to downplay the attraction. (I recall telling him early in our friendship that he was someone all the girls thought was attractive. That didn't cause him to blush like me telling him I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm attracted to him.)

How it went down was I wanted to share the song, I hesitated and he called me out on my reservations. He said "I see you being calculated in your responses to me". I said it was because what I was thinking was inappropriate. He laughed and said "now we're talking! Do tell Clandestine". That's when my will power unraveled. I had told him I always seemed to overshare with him. He said he'd take that as a compliment. I told him my counselor had a theory about it, and that part was the compliment. I shared that my counselor felt that people share more with people they find attractive, that they somehow feel that person is more trustworthy. He seemed to ponder that but then said he would take the compliment. I think he mentioned blushing at that point. I told him about the song. He confirmed it, multiple times. But never wrote it down. We moved on about other things until he got a call and had to go so I left.

But I was still embarrassed and wondered what the heck I had done. Especially after I left. I was about to email him an apology but my sister (who knew how I felt about him and was the one that introduced me to that song) said it wouldn't be wise. It would make it seem more intense then I intended it to be.

I keep remembering how I swore to my Husband Creature that Obsession had no idea that I was attracted to him last year when he confronted me about the "Distraction". I'm disappointed in myself for going there. Even my counselor told me not to share that information with Obsession because it was dangerous for my marriage.

So yesterday I saw him for the first time since I opened my big fat mouth and I wasn't sure what was in store. I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me. If he'd bring anything up. Or act like I was a distant figure.  Which he has done in the past (mostly after his wife got ticked as us, me for texting, him for making me cookies). Thankfully he was friendly. We didn't get to talk privately but I was actually relieved not to. Though, looking back, he seemed *really* friendly. Made sure to give me a hug, both when I got there and when I left. When he thought I was leaving yelling bye and thank you (I had brought cookies, his favorite). We talked with another girl in the office for quite some time. He had a couple opportunities to walk away from the conversation, he would always stay or come back after being called away. We would be listening to someone talk and he'd respond to what they were saying while looking at me. When I shared an embarrassing blond moment he kept bringing it back into the conversation and teasing me about it.

All-in-all it was the best case scenario. My only prayer is he forgot about the song and all he was left with was the compliment that I was attracted to him. No one would be frustrated by that. Or think too much about it. Based on our conversations I've been clear, things are really great with Husband Creature. So it's not like I went too far aside from the song. I can only hope he forgot, and I'll never have to deal with that embarrassment. I figured if he heard the song he'd have maybe mentioned it. Somehow in code or something. But either way, he didn't seem annoyed or to be avoiding me, quite the opposite. That's the important thing.

Husband Creature and I really have been doing great. Communication. Sex life. Just enjoying each other, spending time together. It's been really nice. So I think that's why I was more frustrated with myself for mentioning anything to Obsession. Maybe it's because I felt safer sharing it. It's not like I think it's going to turn into anything. And I'm just grateful the dangerous part doesn't seem to be an issue like I thought. But I also don't want to go there again. I plan on keeping it real but not TOO real. lol