Flirting w/ Danger

Maybe I should nickname Obsession 'Danger' now... But I seriously am struggling not sharing the song "Fun" by Selena Gomez's to try to have him understand how I'm feeling... But I have no idea if there is a mutual attraction. I think there is. He's made a couple comments. He's also very hot and cold. I've noticed. Emails are limited communication. Phone calls are non-existent, like if I call him for anything he wants off that phone as quickly as possible. The only time I feel the interest from him is in person. That might be a guy thing, but it's rather annoying. 

Either way, he made a comment yesterday that made me pause. It wasn't exactly what he said but how he said it. I was commenting on how I overshare. And he said he has some crazy thoughts that he doesn't share but that I have no idea what's going on in his mind. We were making complete eye contact and I felt this electricity. And there were a couple of times I noticed a look on his face as he looked at me that I couldn't quite make out. 

Last week we hadn't seen each other in about a month. He seemed really happy to see me. He had me sit so we could catch up. We got on the topic of the coworker that passed. I shared how hard it was for me. He asked if it was because I felt I should have done more or could have stopped her from committing suicide. I said, not that, but that she and I connected, and I never told her how much she mattered to me. He smirked and said "It's ok 'Clandestine', you can tell me how much I matter to you." And I chuckled and said "You already know how much you matter to me". 

The problem I have Every.Damn.Time I talk to him is stopping myself from saying something stupid. And it's not subtle. I literally have to look down, shake it off and say 'moving on!' He has to know there stuff in there. But he's never pushed for me to say more. Thank God! My counselor told me that people tend to overshare with people they find attractive. I keep wanting to share that I'm destined to keep oversharing! 

It's like I *want* to play with fire. I seriously have to stop myself every time from just unloading all my stupid attraction to him. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to tell him!? Maybe I want him to tell me the feeling is mutual. But again, why?! 

Death

Someone from work died yesterday. I was a wreck. I didn't know her very well. But what I did know of her, she was awesome! When I started at this location early last year she welcomed me with open arms. Made me feel like I had an instant friend. I'm heartbroken...

Fast

So I've been on my fast for only a few days. There was a day that I felt completely drawn to reaching out to Obsession and I caught myself. I prayed and asked God to keep me away. It was almost worse than the sugar detox has been. Obsession has popped into my head a lot up until that day. I think that was the day before yesterday. Yesterday and today I've been OK. I still wonder a moment here or there if he's noticed my absence and has wanted to reach out. Or if I am an out of sight out of mind kind of person to him. But for the most part, I shrug the thought off and think, who cares? It shouldn't matter. He's no longer going to be a close friend. I need to keep my distance. The problem is, there is only 1 Monday this month and next month that I can work down in his office. He's off Mondays so it's easier to avoid him. These Monday holidays are killing my plan. I might see if it's possible not to go to the main building at all during those days I'm not going down on a Monday. But this next Tuesday I have to go to the building and so many people I love are in his office area. Maybe I could just avoid him? But that would seem so obvious to me. Anyways, slight dilemmas in my plan.

Husband Creature found out Obsession's lives local when I told him about his day at the local office. I still try to tell my Husband Creature when I see Obsession outside of the days I go to that office. Well when he was in my office, I shared with my hubby. I told him because of the weather Obsession stayed local. I hadn't realized I never shared he's from where we live. Husband Creature asked if we've met up and I told him no, never! But felt guilty about the hopes that some day Obsession would walk into Starbucks when I was there coloring... Again, the thought strikes me that I'm a horrible wife!

Well I thought I was doing better about not obsessing over Obsession, guess I'm not quite cleared of him. So moving on ...

I feel amazing. I want to remember how much better I feel eating only veggies and protein. I get up expecting pain in my feet and it's so minimal and so clearly because of my diet that I need to remember how this feels so I can maintain eating right. I've realized that the bulk of my weight gain occurred during my first year at this job. Since then, I've maintained my current weight for the last year, fluctuating 10 lbs. When I realized I needed to do something drastic was when I went 10 lbs in the wrong direction in the month of December, PRIOR to Christmas goodies. I felt like I gained 20-30 lbs, but looking back at my weight loss app, I only gained about 15 lbs since my dads heart attack in July. I think I just felt miserable and the weight gain started to impact my mental and physical health. Maybe everything started to weigh me down and the weight just added to it.

Either way, I feel good. My face seems to look less greasy and my eyes, brighter. I've lost 8 lbs which is kind of surprising and not my main focus. My main focus was focusing on self control and making sure I don't give in to my desire to eat sugar. Maybe Obsession is more the thing I need to pray and ask God to remove the stronghold he seems to have on me. Because God has clearly been helping me with my food. There have been fleeting moments where a shake or candy bar sound *really* good. But I haven't been too hungry. I couldn't give up dinners. Too hungry without the sugar and carbs. But I think because I'm snacking so much on veggies, it's been really good. But now that I'm on a roll, I pray and hope that this year is a year of lean, of self control, of freeing myself from this burden of weight. I want to be proud of myself, not embarrassed or ashamed.

I read something on Instagram just now, typically I get annoyed that people share anything text related on a photo sharing app but yeah... It struck a chord with me.

I'm really bummed that girls look at the sky and think " wow God is so amazing" but look in the mirror and think "ugh" as if He didn't make both. 

And it's true, I look up at the sky all the time and think, "Wow!" But then lately I've been looking at my reflection thinking... "Ugh". I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am... er... was miserable on the inside. I am definitely changing my perspective on life and have been super motivated and excited about the future. The thing I keep focusing on is how I want to feel and want to look. I want to see positive changes when I look in the mirror. And in this short time of fasting, I've seen a lot of positive changes.

When I look back at this last year, my current weight has been my standard weight for most of the year. I have less than 9 lbs to go to be the smallest I was last year. That seems doable. That seems like it's not that far away. So for now that's my short term goal. After that it'll be getting down another 20 lbs and then to what I was before I started this job which is about 40 lbs away! Crazy to me to think I gained 40 lbs in the first year here. I've been here just over 2 years! So this is the year I go back to me. I've got less distractions in every sense of the word. So we'll see what this year holds for me! 

He's not safe for my marriage

So I've gone to two counseling appointments. I was annoyed at the first one but got a couple things out of it so I decided to give it another chance. And I'm glad I did. Yesterday was a revelation day for me. I think first and foremost just going to seek help has made a shift in my perceptions and mood and for the first time in forever I feel hope. My therapist seemed to mock me that I felt healed, but I clarified that it was more like the onion analogy he gave me. I've pealed a layer and just as I typed this I thought of a deeper explanation. It's like I've pealed off that first ugly flaky layer of onion. Sure I've still got more layers to peal but that first layer is off. And for the first time in a long time I feel hope.

We touched on the topic of Obsession yesterday. I think that's one that still really bothers me. I was real, honest and even shared how I feel like a bad wife. He said I wasn't based on the information I shared with him. He mentioned Prescribing which would be to go to Obsession and be honest, that I don't mean to be inappropriate but that I find him really attractive. My therapist said that was one way to handle it. But that he didn't think that would work for me. That he feels that if things were unstable in Obsession's home life it might be detrimental to my own marriage. The therapist said that the fact that his wife is unhappy with our communication means that he has talked about me at home, that maybe she senses a connection between us as well. But that to help me look past this, would be to realize he's not safe. Sometimes when we are attracted to someone we automatically feel we can share more than we should. Which has happened numerous times with me. That I've shared too much which Obsession and found myself wondering why I did. It's because subconsciously we tend to feel the person we're attracted to is safe. Well my Therapist told me to focus on the fact that Obsession is not safe for me, in fact he's quite the opposite. He's harmful to my marriage. That shed a new light on the situation. Oddly, I knew he wasn't safe.But somehow realizing that he isn't safe to even talk to... I need to keep my distance. Which goes along with some other changes I plan on making this year...

So I am going to do the church fast. This year's fast I plan on eating protein and veggies only, no sugars or bread carbs. I am going to keep coffee but sugar free creamers, etc. for 21 days. I *may* fast dinners, but if I get hungry I'll allow myself veggies. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly excited about what strongholds God will help me break by doing this. One part of my plan is to avoid seeing Obsession during the fast if at at all possible and try to avoid contact. I tend to reach out randomly.

Yesterday I was proud of myself. I was down by his office and stayed away from leaving a note on his desk. I saw the picture of Minnie and Daisy that I put up in his office was out on the floor of his office and I think with his new furniture he's getting rid of it. Which made me kind of sad but in a way it's appropriate for him to get rid of it. I think there was something too personal about it being kept.

I saw him after the 18th briefly. I walked into his office and he was on a conference call. He barely looked up from his phone to acknowledge me. In a way I was disappointed but now I'm glad about it. I need distance. I need to NOT look at him as a close friend. I need to look at him as potential threat to my family, to my marriage. It's a hard shift, but one that must be made.

In my office

So... Obsession has been in the local office today. *Sigh* And we've been chatting off and on all day.

Counseling

I think I need counseling...

I haven't been able to be completely honest even with my journal because I'm afraid of my Husband Creature getting a hold of it.

It's nothing bad, in fact things are on the up-and-up especially when it comes to Obsession. The problem I have is, there is still a bit of obsessing going on with Obsession. He pops into my head a lot. I think about conversations we've had, or something comes up that we talked about and I struggle not being able to share. And it's weird to me. Weird that I've become obsessed with someone that I have no intention of pursuing. I genuinely want to *just* be friends, yet I don't even feel like we can be that. Maybe that's the issue? I can't have him? So I'm obsessed? How cliche' would that be?

Things with Obsession have been back and forth. I rarely see him so when I do, I crave just talking with him, catching up, finding out how he *really* is. Every time I see him, there's at least one time in the conversation that I think to myself... Man, I forgot how good looking he is. sigh 

He mentioned his wife told him we couldn't be friends anymore but he did it in passing and kind of like a joke. He said he had to continue to be my friend because I make the best cookies. I laughed and said, you didn't really tell her that. He said said, no, I didn't. But I didn't clarify if that was real. Like does she really not want us to be friends. I know Husband Creature wouldn't be opposed to that. But he knows we're friends and he's accepted that fact.

Either way, back to the reason I think I need counseling. If you can believe it, it's not all about Obsession. In fact, he's a side issue but I think I'm having real issues... One being with my dads heart attack. I can't talk about it without either crying or at best feeling the emotions choke my throat closed and a stinging in my eyes. Especially when it comes to being in the emergency room while they performed CPR. Even now, just typing it, my eyes are starting to gloss... I went to a CPR class for work and had to hide my tears streaming down my face. I almost walked out. At that point I realized there might be some form of PTSD for me being in the emergency room with that whole situation going on around me and I probably should seek help for dealing with it.

Then... my sister pulled me aside a couple of weeks ago to tell me she was raped! The circumstances are crazy and overwhelming. She was passed out drunk. She was in the comfort of her own hotel room where she thought she was ok. She took a bit to decide whether or not to press charges. There is a part of it that's out of her control. The medical results will automatically cause charges if they come back positive. But even if there was no penetration she was violated and will press charges. Her counselor told her to be sure what she wanted to do, and not worry about what all the family was telling her, because it'll be her life on the stand... So I'm proud of her but scared. Her marriage has been struggling so much all summer and I'm not sure how this will all play into it.

And oddly, aside from family, the only person I opened up to about it was Obsession. I couldn't believe I blurted it out. It makes no sense.

Especially since we can't really be friends. I can't text him. He doesn't do well with work calls. The only thing we have sort of done is work email. When we see each other we talk like long lost friends though. I always feel like he wants me to sit and share. Yesterday I was having a bad day, I shared that. He would laugh at my moody responses said he liked the "real" Clandestine. I was abrupt and said it like it was. I even shared that my husband creature found out I called Obsession a Distraction and how I had to share whenever I saw Obsession. I couldn't believe I was opening my big fat mouth! I was kind of all over the place when I said it, I could barely make eye contact. He said "wow I feel so important." That's when he made the comment that his wife said that he couldn't be my friend anymore which makes me wonder if it's a real statement. The entire time I kept hearing my best friend saying "whatever you do, don't tell Obsession how you feel about him". And I kept thinking I was sharing WAY too much! We switched the subject rather bluntly and from there it was lighthearted and no more tmi... He mentioned shopping for a couch, mentioned it was gray and I said oh that makes sense you painted your house gray tones, and he was shocked I remembered. Went on and on about how my memory is crazy, he couldn't remember even telling me he'd painted his house, let alone what color, etc. Part of me wonders if I remember so well because I am a bit obsessed. blah....

Small Developments

Obsession: When I apologized about texting him and causing him any issues at home, I think something made an impact on Obsession. Not a major one. But I think me telling him I consider him more of a friend than just a coworker made him reevaluate my previous actions. Here's why I think so...

When I was down there the other day, I had brought cookies. I had called him the night before and confirmed he'd be there because there may or may not be cookies coming down with me. He said he'd be there but then when I got there he wasn't there. He had training. I put 4 cookies in a baggy and put them on his desk and emailed him I saved him some. He responded and said he was sorry he had forgotten he had training but would get them the next day in the afternoon and thanked me.

Then he text me Saturday saying "Hey, I forgot to thank you for the cookies at the office the other day. Thanks again they were delicious!"

First of all, I was surprised to get a text to begin with, and second I was under the impression those types of texts weren't really "allowed" so to speak and third it was a Saturday!?

I had so many things I wanted to respond with and ask him about. But I felt like it was all I could do was to say you're welcome.

The last few times I stopped by the office before this, it was always a standing conversation. Tuesday I saw him and he said "I thought I heard your laugh." And said, "take a load off." It was odd to have him want me to sit for a while. Normally it's just a standing conversation and it was like he wanted me to sit and chat for a while. So naturally I obliged.

At some point he was discussing not announcing a death in the family to the office and how when his brother died it made it tough having people always remind him about it. How he wished no one knew. And suddenly my mind went to the text I sent on the anniversary of his brothers death and suddenly felt bad about sending it. Though I know he said said it meant a lot to him when I sent it. He must have seen the look on my face because he said "I don't mind talking about it with people like you, that I'm close to." And suddenly I flashed back to me telling him I considered him more like a friend than just a coworker.

We talked about his text and how I was confused at first and tempted to send a bunch of responses but held myself back. He gave me a relieved look when I said I stopped myself. He said oh don't do that! He did say he was calculated in his text about the cookies and that he mentioned that I brought them for the office and he made sure his wording was safe. So I have the feeling the text was his way of communicating in a calculated way.

So him reiterating that we're close was I think his way of responding to me saying I consider him more than a coworker but a friend. I over analyze everything though.

Husband Creature: My Husband Creature went a little off kilter yesterday. He asked if I saw "him" the day before (meaning Obsession). I said I had and with everything going on (a death of a family friends wife) I had forgotten to tell him. He angrily said "you only wear this smelling lotion when you go down the hill!" I was shocked. He was not correct but the fact that he seemed to think he calculated it bothered me greatly. I told him I ran out of my normal lotion over a week ago and have been wearing it ever since. He didn't seem to believe me. I went to work pretty discouraged he thought that. So then decided when I got home I'd throw out my fufu smelling lotions. When I got to the house he had the body spray on the counter. I showed him it wasn't the spray but matching lotion that was the one I used. He had gone into my bathroom to sniff it out?! I was surprised. He had been moody with me all night and it bothered me to do the act of throwing out all my fufu lotions in this mood but I wanted him to see I meant it. It was never done for a specific person or a specific day. That I genuinely didn't care about my lotions enough to keep them.

He didn't seem as impacted by the act of throwing them out as I had hoped but maybe later in the evening it did. It was honestly really hard to throw out all my lotions. I like smelling pretty. He can't handle strong smelling lotions so I have to go with unscented most of the time. So I wear it on rare occasions or when my unscented lotions run out. Either way, it was hard to throw them out but I felt it was important to help him see it wasn't something I did for any specific person. I even approached him and said I wanted to throw out the lotions to help his insecurities. He said he wasn't insecure, and I said well then I wanted to ease his accusations, and he said he wasn't accusing but that it was just a statement. We went round and round in circles and my Stinker Creature came up, I could tell he was getting nervous about the tensions between us so I cut the conversation off. But continued to fume. I kept thinking if he wasn't accusing or insecure then why would it matter if he noticed I wore the lotions when I go to another office? I kept getting more and more angry. I did lose patience with him, my stinker creature and figured I was tired and just needed to go to sleep. I did end up reading this book I got for Praying Couples and opened it up in hopes it would help me correct my thinking. It did a little, I opened it up to a section for prayers for couples who have stopped making their spouse a priority. I prayed the prayers and went out to my Husband creature and rebuked the enemy, prayed over our priority of each other and our relationship.

I tried to go to sleep but kept going over things in my mind. Finally I realized the thing that bothered me the most about his "statement" is that he felt he was correct. When in fact I know I have put on fufu lotions for a week and a half and that it was a false statement that he was evaluating and defending as accurate. So I went out to see if he was awake. He wasn't at first but then asked aggressively what I was doing. I told him I couldn't sleep. He softened and asked why. I told him it was because I was frustrated with him and I finally figured out why. I shared that his statement was false. That he wrongly calculated my lotion usage and wouldn't take my word for it yet said he trusted me and that he wasn't insecure. I told him his way of addressing it was accusatory. And that it felt like he didn't believe me and that I was telling him he was wrong and he couldn't see past his own opinion and that I knew when I had used the lotions and he couldn't tell me when I did and didn't use the lotion. He seemed to finally hear me for the first time that night. He made one argument, that it wasn't every day, I said no, it was every time I showered and I don't shower every day. He seemed to realize he didn't have much more of an argument left. At least not that it seemed.

Tonight I already arranged for my mom to keep my Stinker Creature longer so Husband Creature and I could have a date night at home. I had the whole thing planned and trust me after last night I thought about calling it off a few times. But I think it's proof we need it. So I'm going out of my way to make it extra special. I warned him not to eat too late and if he had to eat small that I had a plan. He text me this morning about hitting Chick-fil-a for breakfast rather than lunch should fix the issue of him being too full for us going out tonight. I am looking forward to surprising him with dinner at home. I have some wine. I've already cleared off the table so we can just have a nice dinner at home. I'm leaving work early and going to grab the drinks and groceries on the way. If he gets home before me it shouldn't matter. Being home early will surprise him. If I'm home before him my first step will be to set the table so when he walks in he'll see it.

I'm getting excited. So I hope it's a pleasant surprise. We've been so busy with no time for each other. I feel like this is exactly what we need. I'm glad I didn't call it off in anger. I'm thinking it's the perfect time for this to occur.