Who I am Hates Who I've Been

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I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

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I heard this song on the way home today. It really hit me hard. I did exactly what I hoped last night. I had sex and woke up in the arms of the man I'm in love with. Yet I hate who I've become. I hate the person I became. Yet deep down I don't seem to

take the second chance you gave me.

It's all because

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

I crossed a line I don't feel I can ever go back to. I had sex. That's the line. That moment I crossed the line. That was the point of no return. I can never give that to my future husband. I look down on myself. I am ashamed. I wish I was there. I wish I was ready to say

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again

I want to be there. I don't feel ready to try and never become that way again because I'm still 'that way'. Though deep down I want to with all my heart. I guess the words say... I'm ready to try... Not I'm ready to never be that way again. The point is the heart needs to be ready to try. My heart is ready to try Lord. Forgive me for holding onto my sexual sin. Help me never become that way again.