Husband Creature

The last three weeks have been rough for my Husband Creature and I. Honestly it's caused a damper to all the amazing things going on in our lives. My hope and joy is diminished because he and I are not doing well. In fact, oddly I've wanted to avoid speaking to Obsession. Like it's opened my eyes to the fragility of marriage. Husband Creature is NOT doing well. For a while I thought it was me/us. I think with all the stress we have in our lives right now. He just doesn't have the coping skills. 

I've been struggling... Like *really* struggling. It's been so hard to be around a man who tells you that he "thinks" he loves you and "would be sad if you weren't around"... He finally stated that he loves me but isn't sure about the "in love" part. I had to remind him that love is a decision not a feeling. 

But damn... Writing it sucks. These last few weeks I've been desperate, fearful, anxious, emotional, heart-broken. But in all honesty... I think my desperation is that I want it fixed. I didn't realize it was a long term healing process. I thought we could recover quickly and got so thrown by every-other-day being a different issue or it steadily growing worse! 

I think last night I finally accepted the situation... THE WHOLE SITUATION! That I may have to live in a loveless marriage until my Husband Creature figures out what it is he needs to figure out. I didn't want to step into this new season of our lives, one that should be filled with happiness and gratitude, but rather filled with uncertainty and a lack of joy. I fought it! With everything in me. I mourned it. And after 3 weeks... I think I finally let go of it... With the help of God. I have cried out to Him off an on for the last 3 weeks. Telling Him I just couldn't do it anymore... I've been mourning "us" and wishing, hoping and expecting we'd just go back to normal. But something broke in Husband Creature. He is not the same person I've known for the last 15 years. Something broke in him. It scared the shit out of me.

But then I realized... I can't force him to do anything. I mean "duh" right? But I was desperately *WILLING* him to snap out of it and every day that he wouldn't I was even more desperate. He says he's not happy. With life or anything or anyone. Including myself and our Stinker Creature. 

I believe he officially broke sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. Possibly sooner. I mean we've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I think he was holding on by a thread and so was I with all the stress we've been under. But I think the part in my Husband Creature that kept him loving... just broke. And I still don't know what was the triggering force. And it's crazy to think it's only Friday. I should be willing to give him more time. But I've had my own fears and concerns at what I think was the warning signs. I misread them to be because of another woman. Now I think I was just fearful because I felt him pull away. I felt the distance and assumed it must be because of another woman. 

It's been tough. But this week I've spent a lot of ups and downs... Crying... reading the Bible... Venting to people... Venting to Husband Creature... It wasn't until last night that I realized this isn't going away overnight. It may not go away before we move into our beautiful new home... And I was upset... Angry... That I wouldn't be able to go into our new home, hand-in-hand with the love of my life... My heart broke. I cried and cried in the shower. Telling God I couldn't keep doing this, I couldn't handle it... and He said He could...

In all honesty, we still have a couple of weeks. So much has changed day by day. It just feels like AGES! It feels like where he's at will never change. But I've spent the majority of the day in God's presence. Listening to worship music, listening to The Power of a Praying Wife, listening to prayers on Youtube, reading scriptures, encouraging biblical clips... Anything to keep my mind on God and all that HE can do, and not on my circumstances. I need to be prepared that Husband Creature may take longer than I would like to come around. And who knows, God can do miracles. But I just need to accept it rather than fight it and be miserable in the process. I need to learn how to love my Husband Creature even though he's acting unloving towards me. I need to protect my heart but not close myself off to him. It's tough to balance that. And when I'm not around my Husband Creature its so much easier but when I see him after work today and the extended weekend... Ugh... I'm scared. But with God, who gives me strength... All things are possible. I can do it. I will just need to shut up and pray for the most of the weekend. I feel confident now. Let's see how I do... 

I fasted dinner last night, I fasted lunch and I'm going to try to do a 24 hour fast. I have to eat for my meds in the morning but I can skip lunch and dinner and not eat until tomorrow morning. And I may do it at least once-a-week until this situation is resolved. And in God's presence I have found joy again. Peace. Confidence in who I am as his Wife Creature. It's amazing how different I feel today from this whole week. I want to stay in His peace. Lord give me strength. 

Job Offer

So I have a potential job offer... (Now official job offer). It's a weird feeling. Part of me is anxious to take the job, the other is anxious about leaving where I work now. And of course it means I'll be even further from Obsession. Which isn't much. I don't talk to him at all really. Maaaaybe once-a-month if I'm lucky. 

I left him a voicemail this morning asking to give me a call ... 

... Obsession called me back later on Friday (7/18/25) before he left work. We talked for over an hour! 

I shared about my job offer. He was very supportive. We talked about my house, my Husband Creature's potential new job, my son, my parents. He seemed reserved and then he opened up that he is going into a higher position temporarily and it'll be a great training opportunity for him. I asked if he'd be able to come to our house warming party when we have one (I prefaced the question with the fact that I think I knew the answer). He, of course, said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to repair that, maybe apologize to his wife and he said no, he'd rather just not deal with that. I was like well I'm bummed, I'd love for you to see the house and he was like well you can show me pictures! And I was like ummm.. How can I do that? I can't email them to you... ... lol and he was like oh yeah definitely NOT! And I didn't really remind him that if I leave the department it'll be harder to call each other. Either way, it was a nice conversation. I'm always still so surprised we can talk over an hour like no time has passed... 

... AND I was able to see Obsession this Wednesday (7/23/25). It was nice to see him. I didn't get any real time with him. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. We talked about my house and my son a little more. He stood next to me a couple of times asking why I wasn't out there dancing, we were at a retirement celebration. He encouraged me to but then stood next to me happily watching everyone else. I was really annoyed. The girl in my previous spot says Obsession comes up to her and says "Well when Clandestine was here SHE would do this or that" and she just responds "well I'm not the one that has a crush on you! She just does it because she has a crush". And honestly I was offended. I did my job well. And there was nothing I did for Obsession I wouldn't do for any of the other people in his position. The only thing I did for him was bake cookies and make him a container just for him. Ugh it annoyed me. And then I think of how annoying it was for him to hear that. Blah! 

I'll miss him. I keep thinking if he's going into an Acting role at this job, I won't know his extension. I won't be able to really leave him a message. It'll kind of suck. I won't know if he gets the promotion he's been gunning for. I won't really have any information without asking people and I don't want them to think too much about me asking. *Sigh* oh well... People come and people go right? I need to accept that he will probably be a distant memory like some of these other individuals have been in my life. Colorado, Ex, First Kiss, Latin Lover, The Drummer... They were a big part of my life... and now they aren't... Eventually Obsession will be part of that list... *sigh* makes me kinda sad. 

Phone Conversations

So I've had a couple great conversations with Obsession. One last month (5/21 for about 30 min) and the other last week (6/10 for about 45 min). I found out he was going to be a Grandpa! I can tell he's a little bitter that his daughter chose to elope rather than have the big wedding. It's more about the fact that he didn't get to walk her down the isle I think. He's also having issues with his son. Not being motivated in life and acting like his dad should take care of his bills even though he's not going to school or working full time. I can imagine that's tough. We talked about Marco Polo. How I can sometimes go an entire drive to work recording a video and how that video can get played any time the other person has the time to listen and the app even allows for notes. He made fun of me but once we were wrapping up our long conversation I teased him about how long we were talking and he said he could handle 45 min since it was interactive. I said it was because us girls like to talk. He was affronted that I lumped him into "us girls" and I laughed and said I wasn't talking about him but us women in general can talk more than guys. lol He did not disagree. But it was a nice chat. One that left me with a smiling at the memory of it. 

Today I went to a different location and ended up seeing Obsession. I said hello. He was sweet. He found out I joined a team that helps fellow staff out and he was like that is perfect for you! We didn't talk long. He seemed to cut the conversation short which led me to not force any further conversation when I saw him on my way out. I just waved and said goodbye. Even though he and another coworker were just hangin out. It would have been the perfect opportunity to catch up but I'm thankful I didn't think about it till it was too late. Gotta run! 

Feels like a permanent shift

Even my dreams feel it... 

I had a dream about Obsession last night. In my dream I had to talk to him about a work thing, I felt awkward and shy like I do in real life. I came into his office, discussed the reason for the meeting, then talked surface topics, before I left I was hesitant but asked if he would call and tell me if an email was coming out with his name on it (meaning he got a promotion he just interviewed for in real life) or if I'd find out from the email and he looked at me and shook his head "no", and that I'd find out when the email came out. My heart sank... And I walked out of the meeting a little sad. I was frustrated that we didn't have the same friendship/relationship we have had in the past. And it's clear if I'm dreaming about it, even my subconscious feels there's a permanent shift. Our relationship will never be the same. I am bummed.

My Husband Creature said he had "a 20 min chat with your 'Sancho' at work the other day" and I was like "What Sancho?" and he said the only one you have... And then it hit me, he was talking about Obsession. I was completely oblivious at first... Then... self conscious! Wondering how they interact with each other... Knowing my Husband Creature found out he's my work crush and doesn't understand the reason I find Obsession attractive. lol I still think his reaction was hilarious ... "Why!?" lol 

Now that I've spent some time away from my "Obsession"... I have to admit I understand my Husband Creatures reaction. I saw Obsession the other day. And when I did, I enjoyed seeing him. He looked at me deeply when we were standing outside. Like he was taking me in. It was a moment but fleeting. I enjoyed our chat. Our catchup session. He seems genuinely happy things are coming together nicely for me and my Husband Creature. And I've missed our chats. I wanted to talk more. I didn't get to hear much about his life. But when I looked at him as we were talking I thought to myself... "Why did he seem more attractive to me before?" Maybe it's age? Maybe it was more circumstantial? Maybe the void I had from my Husband Creature when my obsession first started was being filled up by the friendship with Obsession and I thought it was more? Or maybe the void Obsession was filling made him more attractive to me? Though the photos of us together still invoke an emotional response.

Prior to seeing him that day I had manipulated time to be able to drop off some cookies for him and once I did... The feeling of dread and conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately asked God for forgiveness and when I saw him after that (I had literally dropped the cookies off at his truck, I couldn't see him face-to-face), I told him that probably wouldn't be happening again. It was too awkward and too challenging to get him cookies unless I was in the same building as him. 

And... now I'm confused again. I don't like how dreams affect me when it comes to Obsession. I need to shake this feeling... I'm going to let this out in the world and hope it's cleared my mind enough to stop me from doing anything stupid like reaching out... 

All but extinct

A little over a year since everything changed with Obsession. Our friendship feels all but extinct. Not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is grateful. Another part of me is sad. I miss it. Our friendship. Our epic conversations. I miss the anticipation and excitement of hearing back from him or talking to him or even just seeing him. I realize it's for the best for sure. It feels like it was a necessary step, to break the tie we had. I say we, not I... It was mutual to some extent. I know I was more of an ego boost for him but he still enjoyed my company and obviously I enjoyed his. 

My Husband Creature actually now works where Obsession works. They don't work directly together I don't think. But Husband Creature asked me who my work crush was, point blank. I had to be honest. I was embarrassed, and felt sheepish. He knows him. So I told him. He was like "Really!? Why?" lol Clearly he thought my crush was a different person. And I told him I honestly didn't know why. Husband Creature asked me if Obsession knew. I told Husband Creature that Obsession only knew that I had asked Obsession if he knew all the girls think he's good looking. I didn't go into any further explanation. But when it comes to the attraction, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... unlike any random eyebrow raise for the other good looking guys that I've run across. 

The above was written before 3/11/25

But... Yesterday... Yesterday I saw Obsession! He was at my office and came up to my cubicle and shocked the heck out of me. It was so great to see him! He looked good of course. But it just made my morning. I wanted to talk to him longer but he had to go do what he came to do. He said he would swing back by when he was done but when he did I was stuck in a meeting so he waved as he walked by. 

I still have no idea where he came from. I'm in a different spot than I last told him. But he seemed to beeline for me. It meant A LOT that he stopped by to say hi. The last couple of times he's been at my building he hasn't made any effort. Now... would he have made the effort if he wasn't already meeting someone in my area? Maybe not. But... I'm thankful that he stopped by before he had to do his thing and I saw him without him making a point to say hi. I would have been super hurt. 

He asked how things were going and seemed genuinely happy that things seem to be falling into place for me. He's known a lot of the struggles I've had over the last 7 years. And I desperately wished we had more time to talk but... That's how it is these days. Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other often and not emailing or calling really puts a damper on us catching up. But I repeat what I said at the beginning ... It's probably for the best.. *Sigh*  

That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol