All but extinct

A little over a year since everything changed with Obsession. Our friendship feels all but extinct. Not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is grateful. Another part of me is sad. I miss it. Our friendship. Our epic conversations. I miss the anticipation and excitement of hearing back from him or talking to him or even just seeing him. I realize it's for the best for sure. It feels like it was a necessary step, to break the tie we had. I say we, not I... It was mutual to some extent. I know I was more of an ego boost for him but he still enjoyed my company and obviously I enjoyed his. 

My Husband Creature actually now works where Obsession works. They don't work directly together I don't think. But Husband Creature asked me who my work crush was, point blank. I had to be honest. I was embarrassed, and felt sheepish. He knows him. So I told him. He was like "Really!? Why?" lol Clearly he thought my crush was a different person. And I told him I honestly didn't know why. Husband Creature asked me if Obsession knew. I told Husband Creature that Obsession only knew that I had asked Obsession if he knew all the girls think he's good looking. I didn't go into any further explanation. But when it comes to the attraction, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... unlike any random eyebrow raise for the other good looking guys that I've run across. 

The above was written before 3/11/25

But... Yesterday... Yesterday I saw Obsession! He was at my office and came up to my cubicle and shocked the heck out of me. It was so great to see him! He looked good of course. But it just made my morning. I wanted to talk to him longer but he had to go do what he came to do. He said he would swing back by when he was done but when he did I was stuck in a meeting so he waved as he walked by. 

I still have no idea where he came from. I'm in a different spot than I last told him. But he seemed to beeline for me. It meant A LOT that he stopped by to say hi. The last couple of times he's been at my building he hasn't made any effort. Now... would he have made the effort if he wasn't already meeting someone in my area? Maybe not. But... I'm thankful that he stopped by before he had to do his thing and I saw him without him making a point to say hi. I would have been super hurt. 

He asked how things were going and seemed genuinely happy that things seem to be falling into place for me. He's known a lot of the struggles I've had over the last 7 years. And I desperately wished we had more time to talk but... That's how it is these days. Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other often and not emailing or calling really puts a damper on us catching up. But I repeat what I said at the beginning ... It's probably for the best.. *Sigh*  

That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol 

Obsessing Off and On

If you read below you will see that I still obsess off and on about Obsession. Less and less often these days. Probably due to the Long Absent, Soon Forgotten concept I talk about below... Which means I live even less in his mind/memory if he's slipping from mine. Obsession still pops into my head more than he should though. Someone at work said the statement, "I live rent free in her head" and that's kind of how it feels about Obsession. He lives rent free in my head. It's annoying. It was almost daily. At work, it *is* daily. I have a digital frame on my desk at work that only houses photos I've taken with coworkers. I have quite a few of Obsession and I in our long history. I'm thinking I need to just remove his photos... Maybe... Eventually. lol On the weekend he's on my mind because I wonder, should I call? Maybe to catch up? It's usually more quiet on the weekends. 

Ugh... Someone shared this statement with me and I had to think of Obsession... "When God prunes people out of your life, let Him do what He knows is best for you. He sees a Judas before we do." And not that he's a Judas per say... It's just so clear that God shut all doors of open communication with Obsession. How many more hints can I take to STAY AWAY! There was something shifting in our friendship. Maybe it could have gone in the wrong direction. I still remember that photo we took together at Christmas. That I had invited another coworker to join us for the photo and he said he was going to honor Obsessions wishes and stay out of the photo. I looked confused at Obsession and was like no it's cool, you can join us! And the guy was like nope, I told Obsession I wouldn't. Obsession didn't argue. Which meant they talked about it at some point while I wasn't around. 

The last time I at his work location he didn't have his wedding ring on. My first thought was did he get separated?!?! Oh Lord, I hope not because of me! Then I thought, he probably just forgot his ring, no biggie. He mentioned something he shared with her on Father's Day which indicated they were still together then he said he gave me the abridged version since he didn't have time to go into everything that happened that day with me. Part of me wondered if it was because someone he didn't know too well was sitting with us as he shared his horrible Father's Day. 

He interviewed for a promotional position last week. My desk is situated where I get a good view of the parking lot. He didn't come to my area to say hello. I guess I can understand with the stress of interviewing but I was sad. The odd thing was he parked in his old spot, came back to his car, moved it to where no one could see it. When he came out of the interview it looked like he jumped into a car that I didn't recognize. My first thought was he met his wife for lunch to discuss the interview. Or... *IS* he having an affair? And his wife knows something is off so she was super paranoid of his friendship with me? Dang! talk about overanalyzing! *SMH*

Husband Creature and I are still doing well! I feel more connected to him than ever. Our sex life is great! We're in the process of looking to buy a house. It's crazy how expensive it is out there now. Houses we could have bought almost outright are 4-5 times more expensive than they were maybe 5 years ago! Which is stressful. Well honestly I need to get this posted. More to come... 

Below was written 6/4/24 from excerpts from an article article I read online.  

Long Absent, Soon Forgotten... Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Not in this case. 

This implies that distance can evoke a sense of nostalgia, longing, and appreciation for the other person.

I do agree that the human mind has a very unique way of romanticizing memories that a person happens to be fond of, especially when it comes to cherished relationships. So when separated, individuals are likely to focus on the positive aspects of their connection, reveling in the moments they spent together. So, in the absence of the daily routines and constant presence of the other, the bond may appear more idealized and appreciated, and this contributes to the belief that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The saying “out of sight is out of mind” simply posits that when two or more people are separated or disconnected, their thoughts and emotions concerning one another gradually fade away. So the longer one spends away from someone else, the further apart they grow and the weaker whatever bond that existed between them becomes.

Lack of contact can lead to a decrease in emotional connectedness and attachment between two or more people.

5/28/24 - Forehead Kisses 

Dreams still plague me. It's frustrating that I still dream about him. 

Below was written 5/11/24

I need to let go... 

I mean it's crazy... How much more can I verify how little I mean to someone? 

The above two lines were written April 24... Now it's May 16... And I just feel ... foolish. There are moments... Moments when I realize, for his wife to feel as frustrated as she is with me, she had to see something different in how he spoke to me or about me compared to other female coworkers. I *hate* that I can't email him. It changes our entire dynamic. I can't call him, he's never at his desk. I think about calling the main office but two things. He always answers the phone on speaker so I never know who's in the room listening. Second... what if he doesn't answer. How do I explain that I'm calling? I just feel dumb. And I wonder... Does he even notice I'm not around? I'm sure he does. 

Take Your Child To Work Day really ticked me off. Well I wasn't ticked until I saw that he took a selfie with a bunch of other girls, one of which I *know* he's attracted to. And I wonder, did he suggest it? or did she? And if he suggested it, why not get one with me when I saw him? Why isn't he getting yelled at for photos with them? 

Just writing that down... Takes out some of the sting... 

The End...

This is the end, beautiful friend... This is the end, my only friend... The End... 

Now that I've started to get over the struggle of being completely and utterly mortified. The realization that the communication will never be the same is starting to sink in. The realization that there was more to our emailing back and forth than I realized... As innocent as *most* of the emails were... I never thought I'd not have that opportunity. I've emailed Obsession for over 5 years.

Obsession's wife read our emails back and forth... ALL of them apparently. She was pissed and he had to reiterate that there was nothing going on. She was still angry and thought the emails were inappropriate and demanded that he tell me to stop communicating via email... 

His email cut me to the core because there was no warning. It came out of the blue. It was so harsh... I wasn't even sure if our work friendship would be able to continue either. 

Hi Clandestine,

This message is probably long overdue in all honesty. My wife read your messages directed at me in my work email. Although, I explained that it was nothing to be worried about, I must admit and agree with her that the emails were inappropriate from the outside looking in. From the perspective of a spouse, I can see and understand her point of view. I hope that you understand and ask that you respect my request and refrain from sending me messages via *email when content is not necessary for business. I know how this may be sudden and that is probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I apologize for that. Either way, I feel that you will understand and respect my point of view.

Sincerely,     

Without knowing how he was going to treat me in person I read the worst in that email. I worried that he was also angry at my emailing him frivolous messages. I didn't cry... I just took a break, tried to breath, and felt like a complete fool. My mouth went numb. It was weird. I was mortified. I felt stupid. I wondered how much she actually read. I wondered a lot of things. 

Then I realized God closed a door. And it was a good thing. He did it to protect me and my marriage. 

I gathered courage and called my mom... I was embarrassed. I shared the situation and the history. She was kind. She prayed for me. 

I tried to go back to work... I knew I couldn't reply. I knew I may see him the next day at work and had no clue how he would treat me. I knew I couldn't engage, that I'd have to let him approach me. I wasn't sure if he even would. I prayed and prayed... Asked for forgiveness... And prayed some more... 

The next day I went to work. He wasn't in until later. As it got closer to his start time I prayed hard for courage not to be hurt if he avoided me. I had walked out to my car to get my charger and when I walked back in he was in the office next to the one I frequent talking to my old boss. I freaked. I prepared myself for him to walk past me and act like he didn't see me...

But he didn't. He came to my doorway and I was already shaking my head, mouthing how sorry I was. He asked if I got his email. I couldn't even make a sound, to the point he asked if I lost my voice lol I said... I just felt horrible that my actions made him have to go through that. He said he had no idea how his wife was able to read all of my emails but he said... I mean she read them ALL! Even the one where you admit you think about me all the time. But in that moment he couldn't push the question of how but had to deal with the issue at hand. And I apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. I told him it kind of was. He said that it was something he could have said something about, but he honestly didn't think it was an issue. I told him how surprised I was by his email, that I kind of expected something like that would be a conversation. He said that his wife required it. That she read it to make sure he did it. And wanted to know if I had replied or if he had seen me after the email was sent. He said he didn't want to send the email but his wife was pretty adamant and he said she was his spouse so he kind of had to. I actually couldn't hold back a light laugh but then was relieved. I told him I wasn't sure how he'd treat me in person based on the tone of the email. I asked if he needed me to just keep my distance in general. He said this wasn't high school. That he wouldn't treat me any different and told me not to freak out. lol And he actually made that clear when I went into the main office later and he seemed to make a point to treat me exactly the same. 

He tried to tell her there was nothing going on. I guess she kept turning it back on him. That if he read the emails between her and a guy how would he feel. He had to be honest, he'd be upset. He said that he never engaged, sure it was flattering, but that he was always very careful in his replies when I would admit my feelings for him. I told him, exactly you never admitted to being attracted to me or anything. He said that's because he was always super careful and now he was really glad he was. 

And now that I heard his tone towards me I can read that email and see how he was careful with his words towards me. "Inappropriate from the outside looking in" Meaning he didn't see it as inappropriate from his perspective. He said he wanted to write "Don't take this wrong" but then realized his wife would be angry that he was worried about my feelings over hers so he had to write it the way he did. 

It hasn't been till there are things I want to share with him that I realize ... Damn... I'm gonna fuckin miss emailing him. Which means there was something I got from those emails. Instant gratification. He'd respond. He'd engage. I realize now looking back and how he treated me in person, I think he enjoyed our email chats as well. Based on how he would reply. We are so limited in person... This is really going to suck. 

Then I think about the fact that this is a door that I know God closed, and He closed it for a reason. There was something forming between Obsession and I that was inappropriate. Especially since I can't really see the problem in my overshares. I think because I knew even though I am attracted to Obsession I love my Husband Creature and don't want anything to come between us. So I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. I clearly needed the distance. The separation. 

And then I think about Obsession's wife's perspective and think... wow... I bet her heart was pounding in rage as she read my emails. I wonder how long it took her to confront Obsession. I wonder how that whole thing went down. She will hate me forever. I will never be able to build a friendship with her. I will always be the stupid girl from her husband's work that was inappropriate with her husband. Ugh... I hate that. 

The above was written 1/25/24 5:27pm

So Obsession stopped by my door when he came in the following Friday. Which surprised me. He never really did that before so I appreciated the effort. In fact, I loved it! It made me realize that he wants to keep the communication going. But... last Friday his schedule changed. He works mornings now on Fridays. I was able to chat with him for a bit in the morning when I got in. I was happy to hear his schedule changed leaving him the weekend evenings to go out. 

Then... I had another gut punch... I will be done working out of his office (the local office) on Fridays at the end of this month. Side note: He's going to New York for two of those Fridays. So now, I get one more Friday to see him... Then it'll be hit and miss. Maybe once-a-month at best... 

I went in and talked to him because I was pissy with everything I had been hit with on Friday, so I vented about the other annoyances and we laughed and I felt better and realized again... Damn this is gonna suck not being able to have these conversations. So I asked if I could call him, or if I should just avoid him altogether. He said phone calls are tough because he never knows where he's going to be or what his availability will be. Thus why I always emailed him before. 

*Sigh* A new level of bummed set in my gut and I became really sad on Friday. Foolishly sad. Obsession said we'll figure it out, that we'll have to stop by whenever we go to the other's respective locations and I was like, when are you ever at my location anymore? lol I think in that moment I realized he doesn't really care one way or the other lol Not like me. Then I felt foolish all over again. 

This process has felt like a slow removal of a band-aid. I didn't get hit with it all at once. It's almost like God closed the door one section at a time. God knew how rough this will be on me. The big part was no more emails. Now no more time in the local office... Blah! But then again I realize it's for my benefit. For the benefit of my marriage. For the benefit of my heart. Clearly there was something inappropriate forming and I wasn't going to stop on my own. 2/6/24 1:30PM

5/23/24 - I haven't posted this for fear... Fear of what? I don't know. But I've held onto it. Rereading it. Embarrassed. Ashamed. But I reread an older post "An Explanation" and realized... The whole point of this Clandestine Blog is to be clandestine yet real... honest. I haven't posted because I'm embarrassed. But writing helps me process things. I have been a fool. I AM a fool. It's hard to believe it's been 5 months. I was correct. Everything has changed. I have tiny interactions maybe once-a-month at best. I miss him. I feel stupid for missing him. I go through a myriad of thoughts and feelings when he pushes to the forefront of my mind and then I shove it away knowing he probably hasn't noticed the lack of my presence. That it shouldn't matter even if he has. The distance is for the best... all around. 

Colorado

Colorado still pops into my head a lot. Lately he's been updating his background photo and the last time I checked he updated his profile photo. I don't understand why I'm still so drawn to talking to him. I was tempted a couple of times to reach out but then I remember my promise to my Husband Creature. Which, things are going really well with him. 

The above was written 11/28/23 1:00pm

Still with Colorado... It's been hard not to start a chat but then I think of having to let my Husband Creature know I started talking to him again and stop myself. If Colorado were to reach out to me I could justify a message or two back but it could be dangerous. The desire to reach out doesn't make much sense. I know he's a firm believer in manifesting and sometimes when these strong urges happen I wonder if he's trying to manifest us communicating again. Then I think he probably doesn't even notice my absence. Right? What he thinks of me is none of my business. I forget that from time-to-time. lol 

The above was written 12/8/23 9:55am

So I haven't been emailing Obsession. I did scan him a little note yesterday but he hasn't responded to any of those notes so I should probably just stop. The last time I saw him he noticed it had been a while since we've talked, it was only 2 weeks, but he made sure to stand up and give me a hug. I confirmed my time to be at my local office on Friday's is coming to an end. I think yesterday it hit me harder because I was on the interview panel and know who they chose and since it's an internal candidate it will be sooner than later. 

I just don't have the time I used to have ... 

Lordy the above was written 12/15/23 10:42am maybe today I can finally get through this post. 

So... it seems like Colorado keeps updating his cover photo every week. Maybe he's doing a photo challenge. But I am still struggling not saying hello. Especially since an ex-coworker now uses Google Chat to keep in touch with me and I see Colorado's chat history below hers. I should remove the temptation huh? 

Obsession and I have had a few interesting interactions. One being last Friday. I had a busy and rough week. When I came in there was no guilt in just sitting down and talking with him for 2 hours. He switched shifts with someone so he was there early too. So we sat, we talked, we laughed. Like the old days when he worked at my current office and we didn't have many interruptions. We talked about a lot of random stuff. We did end up talking about his wife. How he's concerned once the kids leave the house if they'll have anything left in common. I encouraged him to fight to find that common ground now while the kids were still there. He is really into wine. He says his wife is too but seems to make faces when she drinks it. lol He seemed eager to find a drink that I'd like. He found out about mine and my Husband Creatures "Intimate Mondays" and seemed envious, not in an inappropriate way but more wishing he and his wife had something like that. She seems to get frisky in the middle of the night when he's not feeling *up* to the task. He gets a little vindictive it seems. Going out of his way to avoid his wife and not include her when lets say he goes to the jacuzzi with some wine. His example is he will go get his swim trunks on, fill a large glass of wine, grab a towel and she asks what he's doing he says he's going out to the jacuzzi. He won't invite her. So she showed up 45 minutes later asking if she can join and he's like nope, I'm getting ready to get out. Seems a bit harsh. But I encouraged him to really seek out what she's interested in, he mentioned he should take her to dinner and have a real conversation about what she wants and what her genuine interests are. He doesn't know if she even knows. We had a great conversation. Then... others showed up and I had to get some work done so I left and we didn't get much time after that. 

The only other thing that did take place on Friday is my work had a photo booth set up and I had asked Obsession and another guy to take photos with me. At the time the other guy agreed whole heartedly. Obsession joked that he didn't want him to steal the spotlight in my photo with Obsession. And when it came to take the photo there was an odd interaction between Obsession and him and he said based on a conversation with Obsession he was not going to be joining us per Obsessions request. I thought he was joking but Obsession didn't object. So I just let it go... And Obsession and I walked over to the photo booth. I noted the conversation being somewhat awkward but it reminded me of the time we walked over to the same office for some coffee and Obsession seemed genuinely worried I was too cold in my sandals at work and making sure to walk between me and the outside world. Back to the photo booth, apparently I get a little cardboard frame to go with the photo when they get it printed. Standing for the photo, his arm was around me, his hand was in that awkward spot just at my bra strap and back above my bra where my back fat sticks out... lol But as much as it was embarrassing it felt oddly intimate from previous photos we've taken where we stand just side by side and he barely touches me. This time I felt closeness like he was actually holding me. He even mentioned something in passing how he actually held me for the photo. I can't recall the exact wording. I also asked Obsession for a selfie. Both photos he looks freakin great. And I look ... meh... I was disappointed in the full length photo from the photo booth because I still look quite heavy, especially next to him... even with all the weight loss. Though he is taller. But all-in-all it was a nice day. 

That night I sent him our selfie and thanked him for the nice time chatting. And that I could tell he made efforts to chat with me even when it was busy. I told him Merry Christmas and asked if he had a chance to talk to his wife at dinner that night about her hopes and dreams after the kids leave... 

Saturday on the other hand I had a lot of face palm moments. Moments I regret. Moments I'm just not sure how to feel about.

I guess Obsession responded to my email the night before within 30 minutes after arriving to work so that's not too bad. But he didn't touch on anything about his wife or their chat or our selfie, just said. 

Merry Xmas to you and fam. It was fun today, unfortunately this position doesn’t allow me to sit an relax much with everything going on, but yesterday was fun.

I had already had it in my mind to drop off some cookies but was just trying to figure out how to make that work without causing any issues with Husband Creature. ... Yeah I know... A clear sign I should have not done it. But... I did it anyway... And had to ignore a call from Husband Creature so he wouldn't ask where I was going because I should have been home getting ready for our Christmas event that night. Then once I got there I didn't have time to bring it in, so I was going to hang it off Obsession's side mirror but the bag didn't fit over the mirror so I had to set it on top of his truck and I know how men get about putting things on their cars/trucks... So I ran home... And emailed him a photo so he could know to go out to his truck. Then I got nervous he wasn't getting his email because of where he was at work. So I called... Spoke to the other guy, the one that was supposed to take a photo with me and Obsession but didn't want to steal the spotlight from Obsession. It was clear that when he found out it was me, I could tell he physically turned to Obsession who was apparently in the office and made it obvious who he was talking to... He was about to hand over the phone to Obsession when I said I didn't need to talk to Obsession but needed him to tell Obsession to check his email and I promptly got off the phone not knowing if Obsession had already checked his email and knew about the bag and/or I looked like a fool.... I felt so dumb.... My email was a photo of the bag on his truck, explaining I didn't know where to put it. Then the entire evening went by without a word... And I felt dumb. I felt foolish. I was ashamed. I finally got a response at 9pm...  

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

This was good surprise because I had to order myself over and work until 4am tonight. So I’ll be eating these cookies all night. AND they were cold…perfect. Lol

Thanks again, Oh….and *the other guy* thanks you too

I responded explaining more why I didn't have time to bring them in, and why I felt the need to call, lamented that he had to work OT, glad I was able to help and where I had just come home from and I got a one line item response and I dislike it when people say Christmas with an X (Xmas!)... blah lol 

So... Tuesday I get a snap from a friend at work showing me screenshots of photos from the recent work Christmas events and she sends me the photo of her monitor with the photo of me and Obsession from the photo booth. Wednesday I get an email from another coworker to both me and Obsession saying she loves the photo of us from the photo booth. I told her I made him join me. He said 

LOL…

She did coerce me with cookies! Mmmmmmmmmmmm….

And I desperately wanted to add ... You mean more like I rewarded you with cookies because those came afterwards and you weren't aware of them? lol but I kept my mouth shut... And now I'm trying to decide if I send him an email about being gone for New Years or just let it be... 

Spiraling is exhausting

It started with an overshare that I tried to clarify and got some genuine feedback that kicked my obsession into overdrive and my spiraling went a tad out of control. lol 

Basically I told him that I think it's odd that he resides in my head so much... Probably more than he should. And not that I'm thinking of him inappropriately (at least not as much as in the beginning of our friendship). I shared that I'm surprised and unsure how to feel about it. And part of me wondered if it was a one-sided friendship and how I felt it wasn't because I felt like he was a kindred spirit. That because of our friendship and my attraction to him I will always give him preferential treatment. And though I don't assume his view of our friendship equals mine, I did hope he valued our friendship and if I was honest part of me wanted to confirm he did. 

You really know how to express your feelings, I don’t think I am as good at that as you.

But what I will say, is that I do value our friendship and enjoy our talks so please don’t doubt that. Your company always brightens things up around here. I like the fact that you hold nothing back so just know that I appreciate you!

I think I've reread and analyzed it so much, it's memorized (Not that it's a lengthy response lol). It's the first time he's even remotely been straight forward in responding to my hope for validation... I'm not sure if that's the right word. I was pretty real with him. Normally when I overshare I get a cryptic response that I have to try to decipher but not this time. There is nothing I could potentially take wrong either which makes me really happy. Of course, now that I share it, it doesn't sound like much. But for me... I'm happy. I told him I really appreciated his response and that it meant a lot to me. 

Now to see how we interact the next time we see each other which should be tomorrow. ...