Job Offer

So I have a potential job offer... (Now official job offer). It's a weird feeling. Part of me is anxious to take the job, the other is anxious about leaving where I work now. And of course it means I'll be even further from Obsession. Which isn't much. I don't talk to him at all really. Maaaaybe once-a-month if I'm lucky. 

I left him a voicemail this morning asking to give me a call ... 

... Obsession called me back later on Friday (7/18/25) before he left work. We talked for over an hour! 

I shared about my job offer. He was very supportive. We talked about my house, my Husband Creature's potential new job, my son, my parents. He seemed reserved and then he opened up that he is going into a higher position temporarily and it'll be a great training opportunity for him. I asked if he'd be able to come to our house warming party when we have one (I prefaced the question with the fact that I think I knew the answer). He, of course, said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to repair that, maybe apologize to his wife and he said no, he'd rather just not deal with that. I was like well I'm bummed, I'd love for you to see the house and he was like well you can show me pictures! And I was like ummm.. How can I do that? I can't email them to you... ... lol and he was like oh yeah definitely NOT! And I didn't really remind him that if I leave the department it'll be harder to call each other. Either way, it was a nice conversation. I'm always still so surprised we can talk over an hour like no time has passed... 

... AND I was able to see Obsession this Wednesday (7/23/25). It was nice to see him. I didn't get any real time with him. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. We talked about my house and my son a little more. He stood next to me a couple of times asking why I wasn't out there dancing, we were at a retirement celebration. He encouraged me to but then stood next to me happily watching everyone else. I was really annoyed. The girl in my previous spot says Obsession comes up to her and says "Well when Clandestine was here SHE would do this or that" and she just responds "well I'm not the one that has a crush on you! She just does it because she has a crush". And honestly I was offended. I did my job well. And there was nothing I did for Obsession I wouldn't do for any of the other people in his position. The only thing I did for him was bake cookies and make him a container just for him. Ugh it annoyed me. And then I think of how annoying it was for him to hear that. Blah! 

I'll miss him. I keep thinking if he's going into an Acting role at this job, I won't know his extension. I won't be able to really leave him a message. It'll kind of suck. I won't know if he gets the promotion he's been gunning for. I won't really have any information without asking people and I don't want them to think too much about me asking. *Sigh* oh well... People come and people go right? I need to accept that he will probably be a distant memory like some of these other individuals have been in my life. Colorado, Ex, First Kiss, Latin Lover, The Drummer... They were a big part of my life... and now they aren't... Eventually Obsession will be part of that list... *sigh* makes me kinda sad. 

Phone Conversations

So I've had a couple great conversations with Obsession. One last month (5/21 for about 30 min) and the other last week (6/10 for about 45 min). I found out he was going to be a Grandpa! I can tell he's a little bitter that his daughter chose to elope rather than have the big wedding. It's more about the fact that he didn't get to walk her down the isle I think. He's also having issues with his son. Not being motivated in life and acting like his dad should take care of his bills even though he's not going to school or working full time. I can imagine that's tough. We talked about Marco Polo. How I can sometimes go an entire drive to work recording a video and how that video can get played any time the other person has the time to listen and the app even allows for notes. He made fun of me but once we were wrapping up our long conversation I teased him about how long we were talking and he said he could handle 45 min since it was interactive. I said it was because us girls like to talk. He was affronted that I lumped him into "us girls" and I laughed and said I wasn't talking about him but us women in general can talk more than guys. lol He did not disagree. But it was a nice chat. One that left me with a smiling at the memory of it. 

Today I went to a different location and ended up seeing Obsession. I said hello. He was sweet. He found out I joined a team that helps fellow staff out and he was like that is perfect for you! We didn't talk long. He seemed to cut the conversation short which led me to not force any further conversation when I saw him on my way out. I just waved and said goodbye. Even though he and another coworker were just hangin out. It would have been the perfect opportunity to catch up but I'm thankful I didn't think about it till it was too late. Gotta run! 

Feels like a permanent shift

Even my dreams feel it... 

I had a dream about Obsession last night. In my dream I had to talk to him about a work thing, I felt awkward and shy like I do in real life. I came into his office, discussed the reason for the meeting, then talked surface topics, before I left I was hesitant but asked if he would call and tell me if an email was coming out with his name on it (meaning he got a promotion he just interviewed for in real life) or if I'd find out from the email and he looked at me and shook his head "no", and that I'd find out when the email came out. My heart sank... And I walked out of the meeting a little sad. I was frustrated that we didn't have the same friendship/relationship we have had in the past. And it's clear if I'm dreaming about it, even my subconscious feels there's a permanent shift. Our relationship will never be the same. I am bummed.

My Husband Creature said he had "a 20 min chat with your 'Sancho' at work the other day" and I was like "What Sancho?" and he said the only one you have... And then it hit me, he was talking about Obsession. I was completely oblivious at first... Then... self conscious! Wondering how they interact with each other... Knowing my Husband Creature found out he's my work crush and doesn't understand the reason I find Obsession attractive. lol I still think his reaction was hilarious ... "Why!?" lol 

Now that I've spent some time away from my "Obsession"... I have to admit I understand my Husband Creatures reaction. I saw Obsession the other day. And when I did, I enjoyed seeing him. He looked at me deeply when we were standing outside. Like he was taking me in. It was a moment but fleeting. I enjoyed our chat. Our catchup session. He seems genuinely happy things are coming together nicely for me and my Husband Creature. And I've missed our chats. I wanted to talk more. I didn't get to hear much about his life. But when I looked at him as we were talking I thought to myself... "Why did he seem more attractive to me before?" Maybe it's age? Maybe it was more circumstantial? Maybe the void I had from my Husband Creature when my obsession first started was being filled up by the friendship with Obsession and I thought it was more? Or maybe the void Obsession was filling made him more attractive to me? Though the photos of us together still invoke an emotional response.

Prior to seeing him that day I had manipulated time to be able to drop off some cookies for him and once I did... The feeling of dread and conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately asked God for forgiveness and when I saw him after that (I had literally dropped the cookies off at his truck, I couldn't see him face-to-face), I told him that probably wouldn't be happening again. It was too awkward and too challenging to get him cookies unless I was in the same building as him. 

And... now I'm confused again. I don't like how dreams affect me when it comes to Obsession. I need to shake this feeling... I'm going to let this out in the world and hope it's cleared my mind enough to stop me from doing anything stupid like reaching out... 

All but extinct

A little over a year since everything changed with Obsession. Our friendship feels all but extinct. Not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is grateful. Another part of me is sad. I miss it. Our friendship. Our epic conversations. I miss the anticipation and excitement of hearing back from him or talking to him or even just seeing him. I realize it's for the best for sure. It feels like it was a necessary step, to break the tie we had. I say we, not I... It was mutual to some extent. I know I was more of an ego boost for him but he still enjoyed my company and obviously I enjoyed his. 

My Husband Creature actually now works where Obsession works. They don't work directly together I don't think. But Husband Creature asked me who my work crush was, point blank. I had to be honest. I was embarrassed, and felt sheepish. He knows him. So I told him. He was like "Really!? Why?" lol Clearly he thought my crush was a different person. And I told him I honestly didn't know why. Husband Creature asked me if Obsession knew. I told Husband Creature that Obsession only knew that I had asked Obsession if he knew all the girls think he's good looking. I didn't go into any further explanation. But when it comes to the attraction, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... unlike any random eyebrow raise for the other good looking guys that I've run across. 

The above was written before 3/11/25

But... Yesterday... Yesterday I saw Obsession! He was at my office and came up to my cubicle and shocked the heck out of me. It was so great to see him! He looked good of course. But it just made my morning. I wanted to talk to him longer but he had to go do what he came to do. He said he would swing back by when he was done but when he did I was stuck in a meeting so he waved as he walked by. 

I still have no idea where he came from. I'm in a different spot than I last told him. But he seemed to beeline for me. It meant A LOT that he stopped by to say hi. The last couple of times he's been at my building he hasn't made any effort. Now... would he have made the effort if he wasn't already meeting someone in my area? Maybe not. But... I'm thankful that he stopped by before he had to do his thing and I saw him without him making a point to say hi. I would have been super hurt. 

He asked how things were going and seemed genuinely happy that things seem to be falling into place for me. He's known a lot of the struggles I've had over the last 7 years. And I desperately wished we had more time to talk but... That's how it is these days. Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other often and not emailing or calling really puts a damper on us catching up. But I repeat what I said at the beginning ... It's probably for the best.. *Sigh*  

That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol 

Obsessing Off and On

If you read below you will see that I still obsess off and on about Obsession. Less and less often these days. Probably due to the Long Absent, Soon Forgotten concept I talk about below... Which means I live even less in his mind/memory if he's slipping from mine. Obsession still pops into my head more than he should though. Someone at work said the statement, "I live rent free in her head" and that's kind of how it feels about Obsession. He lives rent free in my head. It's annoying. It was almost daily. At work, it *is* daily. I have a digital frame on my desk at work that only houses photos I've taken with coworkers. I have quite a few of Obsession and I in our long history. I'm thinking I need to just remove his photos... Maybe... Eventually. lol On the weekend he's on my mind because I wonder, should I call? Maybe to catch up? It's usually more quiet on the weekends. 

Ugh... Someone shared this statement with me and I had to think of Obsession... "When God prunes people out of your life, let Him do what He knows is best for you. He sees a Judas before we do." And not that he's a Judas per say... It's just so clear that God shut all doors of open communication with Obsession. How many more hints can I take to STAY AWAY! There was something shifting in our friendship. Maybe it could have gone in the wrong direction. I still remember that photo we took together at Christmas. That I had invited another coworker to join us for the photo and he said he was going to honor Obsessions wishes and stay out of the photo. I looked confused at Obsession and was like no it's cool, you can join us! And the guy was like nope, I told Obsession I wouldn't. Obsession didn't argue. Which meant they talked about it at some point while I wasn't around. 

The last time I at his work location he didn't have his wedding ring on. My first thought was did he get separated?!?! Oh Lord, I hope not because of me! Then I thought, he probably just forgot his ring, no biggie. He mentioned something he shared with her on Father's Day which indicated they were still together then he said he gave me the abridged version since he didn't have time to go into everything that happened that day with me. Part of me wondered if it was because someone he didn't know too well was sitting with us as he shared his horrible Father's Day. 

He interviewed for a promotional position last week. My desk is situated where I get a good view of the parking lot. He didn't come to my area to say hello. I guess I can understand with the stress of interviewing but I was sad. The odd thing was he parked in his old spot, came back to his car, moved it to where no one could see it. When he came out of the interview it looked like he jumped into a car that I didn't recognize. My first thought was he met his wife for lunch to discuss the interview. Or... *IS* he having an affair? And his wife knows something is off so she was super paranoid of his friendship with me? Dang! talk about overanalyzing! *SMH*

Husband Creature and I are still doing well! I feel more connected to him than ever. Our sex life is great! We're in the process of looking to buy a house. It's crazy how expensive it is out there now. Houses we could have bought almost outright are 4-5 times more expensive than they were maybe 5 years ago! Which is stressful. Well honestly I need to get this posted. More to come... 

Below was written 6/4/24 from excerpts from an article article I read online.  

Long Absent, Soon Forgotten... Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Not in this case. 

This implies that distance can evoke a sense of nostalgia, longing, and appreciation for the other person.

I do agree that the human mind has a very unique way of romanticizing memories that a person happens to be fond of, especially when it comes to cherished relationships. So when separated, individuals are likely to focus on the positive aspects of their connection, reveling in the moments they spent together. So, in the absence of the daily routines and constant presence of the other, the bond may appear more idealized and appreciated, and this contributes to the belief that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The saying “out of sight is out of mind” simply posits that when two or more people are separated or disconnected, their thoughts and emotions concerning one another gradually fade away. So the longer one spends away from someone else, the further apart they grow and the weaker whatever bond that existed between them becomes.

Lack of contact can lead to a decrease in emotional connectedness and attachment between two or more people.

5/28/24 - Forehead Kisses 

Dreams still plague me. It's frustrating that I still dream about him. 

Below was written 5/11/24

I need to let go... 

I mean it's crazy... How much more can I verify how little I mean to someone? 

The above two lines were written April 24... Now it's May 16... And I just feel ... foolish. There are moments... Moments when I realize, for his wife to feel as frustrated as she is with me, she had to see something different in how he spoke to me or about me compared to other female coworkers. I *hate* that I can't email him. It changes our entire dynamic. I can't call him, he's never at his desk. I think about calling the main office but two things. He always answers the phone on speaker so I never know who's in the room listening. Second... what if he doesn't answer. How do I explain that I'm calling? I just feel dumb. And I wonder... Does he even notice I'm not around? I'm sure he does. 

Take Your Child To Work Day really ticked me off. Well I wasn't ticked until I saw that he took a selfie with a bunch of other girls, one of which I *know* he's attracted to. And I wonder, did he suggest it? or did she? And if he suggested it, why not get one with me when I saw him? Why isn't he getting yelled at for photos with them? 

Just writing that down... Takes out some of the sting...