Revelations

So I've been bothered by my obsession. I lost sleep again, finding out that I might have had the opportunity to see him on Saturday for a work event I stopped by at, but then left without hitting the other stops. I regretted it because my Husband Creature was on another rampage. Well maybe not a rampage but I was being yelled at again for something I felt didn't warrant his reaction. But that's how it's been for the last few weeks. He's blown a fuse over the littlest things and I've had to just keep my distance and try to have grace for whatever he's going through.

I decided instead of keeping this on the inside I needed to get it all out there. So I asked my sister if she had time to hang out and I told her everything... How stupid I feel about Obsession and how it's bothering me that I'm losing sleep about it now. My stress level is at an all time high. How I'm gaining weight. Miserable at home. Not really sure how to deal with life.

And as I shared how foolish I felt about Obsession, I hadn't realized how much it has been bothering me. How much I've kept it inside to the point of feeling like I was going crazy. But getting it out there, something came out that made a WHOLE lot of sense. Actually something my sister pointed out. I was thinking I was seriously losing my mind with how oddly obsessed I was with Obsession. I mean seriously losing my mind. I've had crushes but this seemed odd.

... I'm lacking at home...

My husband Creature doesn't give me the time of day. We're two ships sailing in the night. We haven't had sex in 3 months. He's taken care of me but there is something different that occurs in intercourse. He doesn't have a job, doesn't seem to act like he wants one even though we've had multiple conversations about how serious our financial situation is with me being the only one working.

But Obsession gives me the time of day. He seems engrossed in our conversations. He's always wanting to know more. I get the impression he'd just sit and talk with me all day if we could.

My Husband Creature rolls his eyes when I ask for a kiss goodnight. He's on the iPad when I try to talk to him. He acts bored of my conversations. He acts like he doesn't need to do more to help around the house. Sometimes if he isn't up to it, which is more often than it should be, he acts like making me dinner is a chore when it's part of our arrangement with me being the only one working.

And as discouraging as all this sounds, it has REALLY helped knowing that my obsession is more because Obsession is fulfilling something my husband isn't right now. It puts a new perspective on the situation and helps me realize I'm craving relationship with my Husband Creature, not Obsession. But since Husband Creature isn't fulfilling it, I'm seeking it anywhere. That's not healthy at all! So I still need to get myself in check but knowing the cause has helped me work against the effect of it.

It helped me realize I'm not crazy. I'm a woman seeking attention. Albeit from the wrong source but still seeking attention.

I didn't feel like it would be healthy for my relationship for me to share with Husband Creature about Obsession but I was able to open dialogue with him about how neglected I'm feeling. It was a good conversation. He shared some of his feelings which are similar. I tend to be on my iPad or phone when he's talking as well. Or I hadn't placed value on his time when I say I'll be home at a specific time and take longer when he's expecting me. I responded that I do tend to avoid him these days with his recent mood. I opened up about how I feel like he is so nice to other women but he's just mean to me, like he doesn't even like me anymore. He responded that he doesn't see them every day. lol He admitted being stuck at home with a non-working vehicle has been causing some irritation. I reminded him that getting a job may help with all that. Not feeling stuck at home with no money. If he worked we'd be able to have allowances again.

Later in the evening we talked about how obsessed he is with my weight gain. He asked why I felt I should have cake and icecream at my nieces bday party that day. I told him, "Everything in moderation". I should be able to enjoy cake and icecream. But that my mental health hasn't been good and I needed to work on that before I could work on my physical health. He asked why I didn't make my health a priority. I asked him why he didn't take getting a job as a priority, or why doesn't he take his anger seriously. I told him we both had areas in our lives where we're weak and need to work on it but that we had to have grace for each other. I told him about my resentment. How I felt like why should I work on areas in my life when he's so clearly not working on his. He didn't have much to say about that. But again, this is the first time I felt we had open communication in a while. Things that needed to be said, were said.

Our 6 year anniversary is next week. We've been together 8. This is around the time when people either make it work or move on. There is no moving on for me. When my Husband Creature was at his worse in the last two weeks I thought to myself, "How long do I stay?" And I felt God tell me "Forever... You said for better or worse."

So my obsession has mellowed considerably with these revelations. That may change the next moment I see him but for now I'll take the win. Feeling more normal. Less crazy.