Flirting w/ Danger

Maybe I should nickname Obsession 'Danger' now... But I seriously am struggling not sharing the song "Fun" by Selena Gomez's to try to have him understand how I'm feeling... But I have no idea if there is a mutual attraction. I think there is. He's made a couple comments. He's also very hot and cold. I've noticed. Emails are limited communication. Phone calls are non-existent, like if I call him for anything he wants off that phone as quickly as possible. The only time I feel the interest from him is in person. That might be a guy thing, but it's rather annoying. 

Either way, he made a comment yesterday that made me pause. It wasn't exactly what he said but how he said it. I was commenting on how I overshare. And he said he has some crazy thoughts that he doesn't share but that I have no idea what's going on in his mind. We were making complete eye contact and I felt this electricity. And there were a couple of times I noticed a look on his face as he looked at me that I couldn't quite make out. 

Last week we hadn't seen each other in about a month. He seemed really happy to see me. He had me sit so we could catch up. We got on the topic of the coworker that passed. I shared how hard it was for me. He asked if it was because I felt I should have done more or could have stopped her from committing suicide. I said, not that, but that she and I connected, and I never told her how much she mattered to me. He smirked and said "It's ok 'Clandestine', you can tell me how much I matter to you." And I chuckled and said "You already know how much you matter to me". 

The problem I have Every.Damn.Time I talk to him is stopping myself from saying something stupid. And it's not subtle. I literally have to look down, shake it off and say 'moving on!' He has to know there stuff in there. But he's never pushed for me to say more. Thank God! My counselor told me that people tend to overshare with people they find attractive. I keep wanting to share that I'm destined to keep oversharing! 

It's like I *want* to play with fire. I seriously have to stop myself every time from just unloading all my stupid attraction to him. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to tell him!? Maybe I want him to tell me the feeling is mutual. But again, why?! 

Death

Someone from work died yesterday. I was a wreck. I didn't know her very well. But what I did know of her, she was awesome! When I started at this location early last year she welcomed me with open arms. Made me feel like I had an instant friend. I'm heartbroken...

Fast

So I've been on my fast for only a few days. There was a day that I felt completely drawn to reaching out to Obsession and I caught myself. I prayed and asked God to keep me away. It was almost worse than the sugar detox has been. Obsession has popped into my head a lot up until that day. I think that was the day before yesterday. Yesterday and today I've been OK. I still wonder a moment here or there if he's noticed my absence and has wanted to reach out. Or if I am an out of sight out of mind kind of person to him. But for the most part, I shrug the thought off and think, who cares? It shouldn't matter. He's no longer going to be a close friend. I need to keep my distance. The problem is, there is only 1 Monday this month and next month that I can work down in his office. He's off Mondays so it's easier to avoid him. These Monday holidays are killing my plan. I might see if it's possible not to go to the main building at all during those days I'm not going down on a Monday. But this next Tuesday I have to go to the building and so many people I love are in his office area. Maybe I could just avoid him? But that would seem so obvious to me. Anyways, slight dilemmas in my plan.

Husband Creature found out Obsession's lives local when I told him about his day at the local office. I still try to tell my Husband Creature when I see Obsession outside of the days I go to that office. Well when he was in my office, I shared with my hubby. I told him because of the weather Obsession stayed local. I hadn't realized I never shared he's from where we live. Husband Creature asked if we've met up and I told him no, never! But felt guilty about the hopes that some day Obsession would walk into Starbucks when I was there coloring... Again, the thought strikes me that I'm a horrible wife!

Well I thought I was doing better about not obsessing over Obsession, guess I'm not quite cleared of him. So moving on ...

I feel amazing. I want to remember how much better I feel eating only veggies and protein. I get up expecting pain in my feet and it's so minimal and so clearly because of my diet that I need to remember how this feels so I can maintain eating right. I've realized that the bulk of my weight gain occurred during my first year at this job. Since then, I've maintained my current weight for the last year, fluctuating 10 lbs. When I realized I needed to do something drastic was when I went 10 lbs in the wrong direction in the month of December, PRIOR to Christmas goodies. I felt like I gained 20-30 lbs, but looking back at my weight loss app, I only gained about 15 lbs since my dads heart attack in July. I think I just felt miserable and the weight gain started to impact my mental and physical health. Maybe everything started to weigh me down and the weight just added to it.

Either way, I feel good. My face seems to look less greasy and my eyes, brighter. I've lost 8 lbs which is kind of surprising and not my main focus. My main focus was focusing on self control and making sure I don't give in to my desire to eat sugar. Maybe Obsession is more the thing I need to pray and ask God to remove the stronghold he seems to have on me. Because God has clearly been helping me with my food. There have been fleeting moments where a shake or candy bar sound *really* good. But I haven't been too hungry. I couldn't give up dinners. Too hungry without the sugar and carbs. But I think because I'm snacking so much on veggies, it's been really good. But now that I'm on a roll, I pray and hope that this year is a year of lean, of self control, of freeing myself from this burden of weight. I want to be proud of myself, not embarrassed or ashamed.

I read something on Instagram just now, typically I get annoyed that people share anything text related on a photo sharing app but yeah... It struck a chord with me.

I'm really bummed that girls look at the sky and think " wow God is so amazing" but look in the mirror and think "ugh" as if He didn't make both. 

And it's true, I look up at the sky all the time and think, "Wow!" But then lately I've been looking at my reflection thinking... "Ugh". I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am... er... was miserable on the inside. I am definitely changing my perspective on life and have been super motivated and excited about the future. The thing I keep focusing on is how I want to feel and want to look. I want to see positive changes when I look in the mirror. And in this short time of fasting, I've seen a lot of positive changes.

When I look back at this last year, my current weight has been my standard weight for most of the year. I have less than 9 lbs to go to be the smallest I was last year. That seems doable. That seems like it's not that far away. So for now that's my short term goal. After that it'll be getting down another 20 lbs and then to what I was before I started this job which is about 40 lbs away! Crazy to me to think I gained 40 lbs in the first year here. I've been here just over 2 years! So this is the year I go back to me. I've got less distractions in every sense of the word. So we'll see what this year holds for me! 

He's not safe for my marriage

So I've gone to two counseling appointments. I was annoyed at the first one but got a couple things out of it so I decided to give it another chance. And I'm glad I did. Yesterday was a revelation day for me. I think first and foremost just going to seek help has made a shift in my perceptions and mood and for the first time in forever I feel hope. My therapist seemed to mock me that I felt healed, but I clarified that it was more like the onion analogy he gave me. I've pealed a layer and just as I typed this I thought of a deeper explanation. It's like I've pealed off that first ugly flaky layer of onion. Sure I've still got more layers to peal but that first layer is off. And for the first time in a long time I feel hope.

We touched on the topic of Obsession yesterday. I think that's one that still really bothers me. I was real, honest and even shared how I feel like a bad wife. He said I wasn't based on the information I shared with him. He mentioned Prescribing which would be to go to Obsession and be honest, that I don't mean to be inappropriate but that I find him really attractive. My therapist said that was one way to handle it. But that he didn't think that would work for me. That he feels that if things were unstable in Obsession's home life it might be detrimental to my own marriage. The therapist said that the fact that his wife is unhappy with our communication means that he has talked about me at home, that maybe she senses a connection between us as well. But that to help me look past this, would be to realize he's not safe. Sometimes when we are attracted to someone we automatically feel we can share more than we should. Which has happened numerous times with me. That I've shared too much which Obsession and found myself wondering why I did. It's because subconsciously we tend to feel the person we're attracted to is safe. Well my Therapist told me to focus on the fact that Obsession is not safe for me, in fact he's quite the opposite. He's harmful to my marriage. That shed a new light on the situation. Oddly, I knew he wasn't safe.But somehow realizing that he isn't safe to even talk to... I need to keep my distance. Which goes along with some other changes I plan on making this year...

So I am going to do the church fast. This year's fast I plan on eating protein and veggies only, no sugars or bread carbs. I am going to keep coffee but sugar free creamers, etc. for 21 days. I *may* fast dinners, but if I get hungry I'll allow myself veggies. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly excited about what strongholds God will help me break by doing this. One part of my plan is to avoid seeing Obsession during the fast if at at all possible and try to avoid contact. I tend to reach out randomly.

Yesterday I was proud of myself. I was down by his office and stayed away from leaving a note on his desk. I saw the picture of Minnie and Daisy that I put up in his office was out on the floor of his office and I think with his new furniture he's getting rid of it. Which made me kind of sad but in a way it's appropriate for him to get rid of it. I think there was something too personal about it being kept.

I saw him after the 18th briefly. I walked into his office and he was on a conference call. He barely looked up from his phone to acknowledge me. In a way I was disappointed but now I'm glad about it. I need distance. I need to NOT look at him as a close friend. I need to look at him as potential threat to my family, to my marriage. It's a hard shift, but one that must be made.