Lost

I'm lost. Husband Creature decided after 4 months to be stupid yet again and reached out to his affair. It didn't help that she moved less than a mile (2 fucking minutes) away! Then to find out Husband Creature reached out to her again. He swears it was to apologize for putting her kids in danger with her boyfriend when he called to apologize to the boyfriend about his part in the affair... But how can I not think it was Husband Creature's way of seeing if the door was still open with her!? He left her a Lego air hockey table on her car... They played air hockey. Why the fuck would he do that if he didn't want her to think fondly of him!?!? Am I a fool for taking him back?! Am I being played for a fool? 

He shared that he came back to me partially because he had no where else to go. I'm broken. I'm not sure how to feel about that. That cuts me to the core. I feel like a fool. Such a fool. It makes me feel so sad. So used. So unloved. So angry. He says he came back because he knew he still loved me, he knew we had history and he didn't want to be without me but he was numb during that time... Broken... That now without a doubt he knows he loves me, that he wants to be with only me. Yet... if that was the case then why did he reach out to his affair knowing it would hurt me. He didn't care. He didn't tell me. It went poorly and *that's* what made him decide he was done!? What if she responded favorably? Would he have ever told me he reconnected with her?! And then to have her be within an easy walking distance. Fuuuuuuck... My heart is heavy. It fills me with so much sadness and RAGE that he would reach out to her knowing it would hurt me and yet he STILL didn't care! After all he's done to me and put me through! He still didn't care what it would do to me! I'm so angry. So hurt. So Sad. So lost. I don't know how to let go of this betrayal. 

Hell Fucking Week

Wednesday February 25 - Fasted and pushed for him to get rid of photos

Thursday February 26 - He told me he would NOT get rid of the photos because he just didn't want to

Friday February 27 - He was an ASSHOLE! Just rude, snippy, aggressive ALL day! We fought. I cried on his chest and he told me to please get off of him. 2:30 am I leave the room telling him HE'S the one with the issue NOT me. I was so angry I wanted to scream so I grabbed my purse, got in my car and drove and screamed, cried, yelled at God. Husband Creature texted me to find out where I went and told me he had come to the living room to bring me back to bed. Told me to be safe. I ended up at the spot where he accepted Jesus into his heart. Cried and screamed so hard I tasted blood (ended up losing my voice). I stayed out for over an hour, listening to worship music and crying out to God. Got home and Husband Creature was gentle and loving and wanted to make things right. 

Saturday February 28 - Had a great day

Sunday March 1st - Husband Creature tells me he *thinks* he knows where "P" lives, and tells me why he thinks so. I confirm with Zillow listing photos of the assumed location and photos she posted getting her keys. She's literally 0.8 miles away from us on a main road we travel EVERY.FUCKING.DAY! 

Monday March 2nd - I find out from a mutual friend that Husband Creature had reached out to "P" on Friday and they had multiple emails back and forth (the day he was a COMPLETE asshole!). I confronted him on the phone, he swore he meant to tell me but our busy weekend he never had the right moment. Later that evening I confirmed he lied earlier in the day about leaving a Lego on her car earlier in the week, he had and STILL at this moment can't tell me WHY he did it (he can't remember what day it was either). Cried, yelled, squawked with no voice. He asked me to come home to talk. I left work on a personal day. He apologized, asked forgiveness, asked me to pray for him in that moment and ended the prayer he asked God to forgive him. He agreed to give me a USB of all photos he had of her/them and I smashed it with a hammer. He tells me he will NEVER reach out to her again unless he talks to me and I agree it's ok in the future. He swears he loves me and this apparently showed him he still had a sliver that needed to be removed. That he got the closure he needed. Though now this sets me back a good couple of months of repair because of all the lies and deceit and doing something he told me he wouldn't do. My heart hurts.  

Thursday - 3/5/26 - Fasting... Struggling... Angry... See above... 

One thing I will say is through all of this... God has shown me how he has orchestrated this week. I don't know how I would have handled the news if I hadn't fully melted down on Friday night. I was shown the lies. I mean FULL ON lies. I was able to approach Husband Creature and explain why his statements didn't make sense and I would find out more. It was painful but I'm grateful God didn't stop us from getting it all out in the open. 

And knowing God has revealed things to me... I was walking and suddenly it hit me, maybe Obsession's wife gave him an actual order never to return my calls. I know it sounds silly but it's possible. And the idea came out of nowhere so I think it could be possible. Somehow it makes me feel better. 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

I'm starting the year with a new perspective. There were a few months of 2025 that sucked ass... My Husband Creature and I almost didn't make it. We're still recovering. Going to counseling. But I think we're on our way to restoration. 

He had an emotional affair (nothing like my infatuation with Obsession, he had a full blown emotional affair)... I'm not sure I want to go into the details just yet. It's still too raw.

But one thing I will say is God gave me the strength to make it through even though it was THE toughest season of my life (thus far)... I'm 48 years old and have been married for 13 years, together for 15. I have never experienced so much emotional pain. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't journal. My brain was unable to put two cohesive thoughts together. I cried. I spent a lot of time just listening to worship music. Crying, praying and asking God to bring my Husband Creature back to me. 

Now... My Husband Creature *is* back to me. We are doing fairly well considering. He's opened his eyes to his stupidity. He is remorseful and apologetic. He is doing everything in his power to put the pieces back together. We've had to makeshift some of the shattered pieces while the wounds are healing. 

It's an odd thing... I have some people that consider me taking him back as an act of strength. I've also had friends ask me what's wrong with me for being willing to accept him back. Honestly, either way would have been hard. If I had gone through with the divorce (yes, it got to the point where I paid the retainer for a lawyer and got the paperwork ready), it would have been a different kind of hard. Staying together... is hard. The pain, the hurt, the insecurities.... It's a lot. But I also know God wants restoration. God wants marriages to stay committed. The enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I had every right, biblically, to walk away from my marriage. And I told my Husband Creature, I can live without him... I just didn't want to. That's not my desire. 

When my Husband Creature was knee deep in his... sin... I did start to think about starting over, the freedom I would have. I thought about reconnecting with Colorado. I thought about how Obsession's wife must have felt with our connection. I thought about dating again. There was a brief moment I thought it would be easier to walk away. But every time I prayed I felt God tell me... You're in this for the "Long Haul"... Before I even realized it was an emotional affair. I knew something broke in my Husband Creature. I felt it was God's way of stating that He wanted me to give Husband Creature a chance. And I did have stipulations for my Husband Creature. I did share that if he decided to be stupid again, that was it, I wouldn't take him back. That this was it. That he had to be sure he really wanted me. And if he wasn't sure... walk away and when he was sure, then come back and see if I'm still available. He said he knew my value, that he didn't want to let me go. That he felt foolish and dumb and wished it never happened. 

I know my value. I know I'm worth more than what he did to me and our marriage vows. I know that I'm a catch. I know there are guys out there that would consider themselves lucky to have me. I know... Without hesitation that I have more value than the thing that attached itself to my Husband Creature for a couple of months. She proved her character or lack thereof. Disturbingly that also means my Husband Creature has shown his character as well. But he is at least apologetic and remorseful for what he's done. He is doing everything I need him to, to repair our marriage. And even as painful as it was, Husband Creature told me the truth... Always. She, on the other hand, lied to my face numerous times even after I confronted her with the truth! 

Though it was interesting to share with Husband Creature that I felt like I could move on, that I would be ok without him. Part of me wonders if that's our problem. I'm not needy enough. He tends to feel drawn to women that are broken and befriends them. It's been an issue throughout our marriage. Someone gave him the title "Captain Save-A-Hoe" and I literally had to burst out laughing. It's truly fitting. All of the women he tends to try to "save" even throughout our marriage. He finds broken women and always wants to offer to help them. Most were innocent enough, but there were moments I would get insecure and he'd shine me on. Now... He pays attention. 

As far as Obsession... We haven't had much luck connecting. We spoke for a hot second before the holidays and he found out I was giving my Husband Creature another chance. He said he had been wondering. (I had told him when I wasn't sure if we were going to make it. We had a long conversation at that time.) This time, I didn't even get to explain how or why before he had to rush off. I'm reminded of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". I know Obsession isn't *into* me. But sometimes I feel like our friendship has faded to nothing. I almost feel like I'm annoying him. Though at times he mentions he thinks about me and is too busy to call me back. That's when I go to the movie... If he wanted to he would make an effort to call me back. He's better in person. I miss him. Our talks. How he made me feel interesting and engaging. Looking back, if Obsession had ever reciprocated my feelings, who's to say I wouldn't be the one stating that I had an emotional affair. Maybe that's why I'm more willing to forgive. I know how easy it is to get entangled in your feelings. 

The above was originally written January 8th, 2026. 

So as of right now, I left a voicemail for Obsession yesterday that basically said, I'm not sure if you're super busy or I'm just not getting the hint but I hoped he was doing well... No call back. So I'm going to take that as my sign NOT to reach out anymore. I'm sad. But it will be for the best. It's clear he's just not interested in maintaining a friendship. Or just too busy to reach out. Either way, I know at one point he had hoped to keep up the friendship. When I called him to say goodbye he said I had his number and to stay in touch. But how many voicemails can I leave unanswered and feel like I'm becoming an annoyance? I don't feel I'm over-reacting either. In the matter of a couple of months I've left a few messages, none of them have been returned. The last time one was returned was prior to his birthday which was in October. I called him and he picked up and that was when we spoke for less than 1 minute before he had to hop off. It was also when I told him I was working on my marriage. Not sure if that made him uncomfortable or what. He said he would call back and hasn't since. *Sigh* So moving on...