That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol