Well I couldn't wait ...

Well I couldn't wait so I went ahead and took a pregnancy test yesterday... It's confirmed...



Phew! Now I can go about my life.

Pregnancy Scares ... Annoying

So I'm trying to calculate when my last period was because I don't remember, so now I'm playing the guessing game... Am I pregnant? I usually freak a week too soon and when I am about ready to make a trip to the drugstore I start my period. I've found that I'm usually a week later then the month before... But not knowing when that was last month makes this more difficult. It doesn't help that he asked a couple weeks ago, "aren't you supposed to be on your period?" So does he remember better then me. I had thought he was two weeks too soon... But now I'm not so sure. And since I usually freak a week too soon, freaking started 3 days ago, I'm going to wait until early next week to go buy myself a pregnancy test. Ugh!

And how the brain circles around the possibilities of actually being pregnant! And how ironic that Monday we sat down and decided to stop our sexscapades prior to his move. We both agreed (I, rather reluctantly), that it would be best to work out the emotional separation when we had each other to help the process be less painful. One day it might be as simple as a hug, or a smile that gets us through the concept of not being able to be physically intimate... Things we couldn't see or do if we waited until his moving to end our physical intimacy. I think it's wise.

But going back to the original concept of this post... What if!? What if I'm pregnant? Would I tell him before he moved? Could I keep it from him? Would I want to? Would he move? Would I be ok if he did? Would I move? I mean this is a horrible possibility. Not that I wouldn't mind having a baby... But out of wedlock?! My parents would be so ashamed! :( They would be dissapointed in me... I would be dissapointed in me... I would be ashamed! Yet with all the other pregnancy scares I went through the same emotions... Did it stop me from continuing to have sex? Absolutely not! :( Ah well... I guess I just have to wait my week and I'll probably start my period. Breath a sigh of relief. And go about my life.

Another Day, Er... Another Month

So it's been a while. Time has not allowed any updates. I enjoy the security of blogging anonymously. I miss it. I've taken to writing in an actual journal though. It has been a nice release. I'm amazed at what has happened in the last month.

I have been extremely selfish with my last possible months with my ex. We are basically dating again. I know it will have to eventually end so I am using his moving out-of-state as the cut-off date. Which he has yet to make a decision to move! Which brings me to what if he decides not to move? I am still in love with him. We've been sleeping together on the weekends as of late... We have even worked it out for us to spend the night together. Once my brother found out only because he chose to sleep at my place instead of drive back to his house late one night. Yet I have thrown myself into this but I'm noticing lately (in the last week or so) that he has been more reserved. I think he is having stronger feelings for me and wants to keep his distance. I have no clue what's going to happen if and when he moves. I feel foolish but am too selfish to think any more about it then what I've already discussed. Yet I've noticed (in the last week or so) I've become dependent on him. Which sucks! I need to keep my distance now. But it's hard.

Well I can't update more then that... bye for now...

Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

Below is the lyrics to an alanis morrissette song that keeps me thinking about my recent ex's last girlfriend. The one prior to me. I wonder if this song portrays anything of how she felt.

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

I guess I always wonder if she blames me or him for cheating on her. In a way we both cheated her. When I first met him, he and her were on the path of marriage, according to his best friend. Though he tells me that he was delaying it as long as he could because he knew something wasn't right... But the lines in this song always bring her to the forefront of my mind.

And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died

Did this run through her mind? If they were on the path of marriage this would probably be something he did tell her. I'm sure she looks at me as what ruined her future with him.

Well this is a thought that should have been posted a while ago 7/7/05...