Crushing ... again

So here I go again... crushing... on a customer! The 45 year old and I have been talking on a more regular basis outside of the work and on a more personal level. We have not gotten together since our initial business dinner with my supervisor. But last week he said he'd like to go to dinner when he got back in town. He got back Monday and of course I knew this meant that he'd probably want to go out this weekend but I can't since I'm getting minor surgery and will be out of the office tomorrow till Monday. Knowing I'd be out of commission I asked if he wanted to meet up with me last night. He had a business thing he had to go to but said he would love to take me out to dinner and the movies. So we're planning to do that next week sometime. He seemed genuinely dissapointed that he wasn't able to meet up with me, even like he was trying to calculate a way to skip his current plans to meet up with me. But I encouraged him to do what he had to do and we'd get together another time.

I'm not sure what to feel about it all. I am crushing on him. It's funny though, last thursday I finally stopped worrying so much and just realized he'd be a great friend, nevermind the fact that I keep having sexual fantasies about him and I, but he is someone I enjoy talking to. Since I've let go, it seems that he's called on a fairly regular basis. I read my last entry and one of my biggest pet peeves with men these days is feeling like I'm the only one making the efforts. Well I don't feel I've had to make the efforts with him.

We've had a couple more opportunities to talk about his religious beliefs. And it looks like he has some but I haven't been able to define what his comments mean. He is a talker. Which I like. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

Just writing some thoughts

It's quite amazing how fickle we can be, isn't it? I have gotten to the point of not wanting to make any efforts in the relationships in my life. I don't want to struggle to keep a friendship alive. I don't want to feel like I am the only one that cares. I am referring to one person in particular but in actuality it fits for all the people in my life at this time. There are the long term relationships which have withstood the test of time. But then there are the more recent friendships that I'm tired of feeling like I'm an annoyance rather then an enjoyment. Or in this particular case, I have to make the first attempt that may or may not be responded to. When it's responded to things are good, if not then I'm left feeling a little disappointed not to be interesting enough to be responded to. haha um... ok...

As I'm typing this I realize my perspective is off. Really, my mentality is all wrong. Why does it have anything to do with me? But this particular friend has a new "project" to fill up his time. By "project" I mean someone he can devote his thoughts to. He gets into these passions and most are fairly short-lived and unfinished. Sadly I was one of his "projects" at one time. I haven't been considered a "project" for a little while and I have noticed the slow decline in interest because he enjoys that challenge or intrigue of the "project". Well he has a new "project" and I have been put further back on the burner for now.

Though because of where I am, I care but not enough to make the effort to try to fit into his interests again. I don't think I can, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I even want to. But as I think about how I feel about this particular individual I realize this is my mentality in most relationships in my life right now. It's not just him. I want to be pursued. I want to feel valuable. I want to click without feeling the need to make a connection happen. I guess I really don't want friendships to be any work.

Again that mentality is slightly wrong because all friendships/relationships take work. I guess it's just where I'm at right now. I guess it's stages. But these stages seem to be more permanent outlooks rather then only temporary. I guess you do change as you get older. I hope I'm not too weird. hehe I haven't turned 30 yet!

Speaking of changing my outlooks... A 45 year old customer took me out to dinner Friday night and to be completely honest I put some thought into pursuing something with him. I was also with my supervisor but I felt the connection he and I shared pretty strongly. Though I did have a margarita and I'm not used to drinking so that could have been part of it. hehe He's a great guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I definitely hope we can get together again. Though I'm not sure what will happen. I know he thought I looked 23! LOL! I thanked him but I'm still thinking a couple months away from being 30 is still a big age difference. I actually hope to hear from him. This is odd for me.