Speak Life

I AM Favored - Psalm 5:12

Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

I AM Gifted - 1 Peter 4:10

Each of you should use whatever gift you
have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.  

I AM Successful - Joshua 1:8

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 

I AM Courageous - Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. 

 I AM Unstoppable - Romans 8:31

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 

I AM Victorious - 1 Corinthians 15:57

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

I AM Anointed - 1 John 2:20

But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you know the truth. 

I AM Blessed - Ephesians 1:3

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 

I AM Healed - Isaiah 53:5

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed. 

I AM Beautiful - Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

I AM Chosen - 1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who call you out of darkness into His wonderful light. 

I AM Forgiven - 1 John 1:9

If we confess our sings, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sings and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

I AM Redeemed - Ephesians 1:7

In Him we have redemption through His blood the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace. 

I AM Free - John 8:36

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 

I AM Protected - Psalm 121:7

The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life.

I AM Guided - Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. 

I AM Provided For - Philippians 4:19

And God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. 

I AM God's Child - John 1:12

Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God. 

 

Paint & Plant... and sip

Lately I haven't felt much like a wordsmith. And my mind is all over the place. It's hard to focus. I lose words. It's possible I'm at that age. Brain fog. Loss of focus. Forgetting things easier. Perimenopause? Or depression? Not sure. I just know I haven't felt much like myself. 

I'm lonely. But knowing I'm lonely means I'm not spending enough time with God. 

So I saw this reel on Instagram where people paint terracotta pots and plant flowers in them as a party. I decided to do that for my birthday this year and it turned out really fun. I really should have done Paint, Plant and Pour but I did Paint, Plant & Sip. We had a great time. It makes me want to paint a lot more! I bought a paint by number plant calendar. I did the first one this last weekend while listening to an audiobook and it was an excellent way to relax! I am definitely looking forward to doing another month. 

Obsession - So my friend / ex-coworker still works with Obsession and she has been sharing more about him lately. A couple of days ago she shared the following. 

"Obsession" was in my office and saw our Christmas pic, he said "oh, "Clandestine" called me the other day and I never called her back..." I was telling him about going to your house this weekend and he goes "oh, her new house? Is "Husband Creature" still around?" lol like, yeah her new house, not her old one and yes her husband still lives with her. haha - 9/9/26

And today she's telling me he's struggling and always complains about how stressed he is. But she doesn't ask follow up questions so it's very surface level, usually in passing in the hallway. 

no heart to hearts like the ones you guys used to have 9/11/26

I'm so tempted to call him. But honestly, he knows he didn't call me back. If he wanted to, he could. But then I think of how busy and stressed he is. Maybe he'd be happy to hear from me? Do I call him on my extension so he sees my name? Or do I call him from my work cell? And I called him randomly the other day and it rang and rang which means he was on the other line which is fine, but he had the opportunity to call me back. So that's that. I'm not calling him. 

And I just got through reviewing some timelines and honestly, looking back at our friendship... There was more to it. 

He has a ukulele and knows "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz... And I just happened upon the post where I talked about that. On a random side note: Husband Creatures best friend/brother sang Happy Birthday to me on my birthday and it was really cool. I forgot how good he can sing. 

I don't remember Obsession telling me he was going to text me the lyrics to the song "Fun" that stood out to him. The part about "You may not be the one but you look like... fun" and how he got shy sending it. I always remember thinking he didn't confirm he really listened to it. And sure enough he must have. He mentioned it a few weeks after I shared the song with him. 

I also don't remember his wife telling him early on that he couldn't be friends with me! It was EARLY in our friendship, after he baked me cookies. Ugh... I'm so stupid. We were friends from 2018 - 2023... After that everything changed and we barely had any interactions. But really everything changed once I left the place we both worked at. So October 2025... Almost a year with minute connection? No effort. Why... why... why am I so tempted to reach out? He knows it was just MY birthday... If it mattered at all he would make an effort to call me back. 

So work is now bringing me back to the facility Obsession works at on Friday 9/25/26. Part of me wonders if I should call and see if he'll be around. Another part says, leave it be. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I don't... The last time I didn't try but sort of did and ended up making the whole process get changed... 

9/29/26 - I think it's officially done. In my heart and in my head. I am frustrated with Obsession. I was looking forward to seeing him Friday. I didn't get to see him. I called him and he answered. I asked if he could come out and say hi, he said he wasn't able to. We talked but then I had to go because my other ex-coworker came out to say hi. I told him I would call him back and when I did, he never answered. So I'm done. He doesn't call me back. He doesn't make any efforts to maintain communication. That part of my life is in my past. Just like Colorado and all the others. I guess I always thought we'd maintain a friendship at least. But it looks like he doesn't want to do that. So I have to let it be. 

10/8/26 - Happy Birthday... So long... farewell... auf wiedersehen... goodbye... *Sigh* It only took me 2 years... 

Husband Creature - He and I are doing great... at least right now. But the week before my birthday I thought we weren't going to make it... again. We seriously have such a volatile relationship at times. He loses his shit and I'm left wondering if we're going to make it or if we're done. He says I take things so personally and that marriages have fights, it doesn't always mean we're going to divorce. But it's hard not to take it personal when he says things like... "I don't care anymore Clandestine. I'm done!" I will say the affair made me realize that I know I'm worth so much more than he gives me. And maybe there is a part that expects more from him. I am no longer willing to accept his mediocre efforts. 

But I will say this... Once we talked through our issues... One of them being that we don't feel we can be honest with each other. We talked about a few things we haven't been able to talk about and it felt good. It felt like a turning point. We seem to have a few of them... turning points. 

I have to say though, Husband Creature really came through for my birthday this year. He had a surprise for me Saturday, the day after my birthday. He made sure I didn't make any plans for that day. That I had it completely open. He didn't tell anyone else! It was a complete surprise! 

On Friday, the day of my birthday he took me out to a fancy dinner down at the beach, we went window shopping at the shops, stopped by a place he took me on our first official date, for cupcakes, then he showed me all his old haunts. We decided to stop by his friends house in the area, since he doesn't get to see him too often. When we got there, I was serenaded by his friend and his ukulele (as shared above). We talked for a bit more then I said I was tired and wanted to get home. He still wouldn't tell me what the surprise was and I didn't want to be exhausted if it was an activity. So he suggested I sleep on the way home. Which I did. But I was woken up by seeing that we were off the freeway. When I looked around I noticed we were still a ways from home. Then I saw a sign for the airport. I knew he couldn't be TAKING me on a trip so I knew it meant we were picking someone up! So my first thought was my best friend who moved out of state! He wouldn't tell me. I kept telling him that's the ONLY thing it could be! And sure enough, my best friend and her husband flew out to surprise me for my birthday!!! They could only stay till Sunday but it was awesome! It was such a great surprise and I *really* had NO idea. 

So the reason he wanted me free was just so I could hang out with my best friend all day! With no interruptions. It was really great. And he kept acknowledging how horrible he made my last birthday and he knew he had to make it up to me. It was sweet. He went so far above and beyond anything he's ever really done for me. It was a blessing! 

When it came to our anniversary a couple weeks later, we didn't do much. We ended up going out to lunch. But something I said to him and about our anniversary is that even though it wasn't a milestone year for us, (14th wedding anniversary), it was a MILESTONE YEAR! We made it through hell. We're on the other side of the worst of it. I believe. 

Now... I'm desperately praying for Husband Creature to have an encounter with God. One thing I've realized through his affair is that my Husband Creature has never fully given himself over to the Lord. He's never experienced God's touch in his heart. And if I'm honest, I don't think he's really open to it either. But I feel desperate for some reason. Like Husband Creature is on the verge of a breakthrough or the devil is trying desperately to steal him away for good. All I know is, there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that says this could go the way I want it to, or it could fail spectacularly. Meaning my marriage could implode. Husband Creature could completely fall off the rails. Or... Ooooor God could get a hold of him and we could have an amazing life and future together. I'm praying for the latter. I'm begging for the latter. I know that I didn't survive the pain of betrayal for nothing. I know God has a plan and will for my Husband Creatures life, for my life... For OUR life. But Husband Creature has free will though... I have to trust that God can reach him. I have to trust that God has me fasting once-a-week to step in the gap for my Husband Creature... for a reason. 

Daydreams in bloom

I have become that person... That daydreams about gardens. I just moved into my first home last September. I can now plant things IN the ground. At our apartment I got obsessed with container gardening. Now... I can daydream about what to do around my home! I've been having a lot of fun coming up with my latest plan. I just need to wait for my Husband Creature to get a job. 

Husband Creature - Things are going *really* well. I am nervous to relax about it because the LAST time I felt that we were doing really well, he went and left a Lego on her car and reached out to her via email and crushed me. So I'm a little nervous to get so confident that we're going to make it. My Husband Creature says we are... and I want to believe him but 4.5 months into our healing process (in March) he threw a wrench in things and made me question his motives and true desires. That was 4 months ago. I want to make it to 6 months of no contact to truly breath a sigh of relief. 

He told me he saw her driving with her boyfriend one morning recently and he thought she looked trashy, kind of like he saw her when we first met. It gave me hope that his heart really has changed towards her. I still hate that she lives so close to us. But I don't drive by and honestly I don't even remember she does most of the time. 

Husband Creature and I went on a road trip. On the way out of town he said he had an epiphany that morning. That I was better in every way than his Affair. I don't know why but I cried.

Obsession - Lately I've been seeing some hits on my old posts and it makes me curious enough to click on them and honestly sometimes I'm shocked at the things that were said between Obsession and I over the years. Compared to other men in my life, he and I got really close! And I've been *really* struggling not to get ahold of him. I almost called him the other day on his work cell. Then I decided to hold off until today. And then I found out from a person that still works there that he left the office. So I guess I'm just not meant to reach out. There is always something that holds me back. Probably for the best. 

The above was written about a month ago... (June 2026)

I need someplace to type rather than picking up my phone and calling Obsession on his work cell with my work cell. 

7/29/26

So I got to see Obsession today! It was not expected, and almost didn't work out. It was rushed. I wished we had more time to catch up. But he looked the same. He seemed happy to see me. And I asked if I could come back after I did what I came to do and he said "Absolutely!" Then I found out I wasn't even supposed to get in as far as I did. And I couldn't go back in to say goodbye. So I pulled the trigger. I called him on his work cell from my work cell. Apologizing for not getting to say goodbye and that if he wanted to call me back on my work cell we could finish catching up. It's now on him. Will he call me? I really would be surprised if he does. But it would be cool if he did. But now I don't have to wonder ya know? 

7/31/26 

I got in my head about it... I wondered if he used his work phone like I use mine. He probably uses his personal like other friends of mine at my old job. So ... I decided to call his extension... he picked up, first ring... I said it was me, he said can I call you back? I have someone in my office. I said sure. He asked where I was calling from, made sure to get the whole number not just my extension... And ... nothing... *sigh* That was hours ago. I know ... He's busy. But what's my favorite movie for situations like this. "He's Just Not That Into You" If he wanted to call he would. 

So that's my answer. I'm officially done. I have tried in the ways I know how. If he wanted to, he would call. I need to let go. 

Happy Birthday Colorado

Colorado - So it's Colorado's birthday today. I was tempted for a hot second to send him a message and then realized it just isn't worth what it could do to me, my marriage (that's already hanging on by a thread), or just everything... So I'll use my Clandestine blog to say Happy Birthday to you Colorado. I do hope you are well. I wish catching up wouldn't cause so many issues. I think about you often (wondering if you do the same) and wonder how you're doing. Men are different creatures. Do they really think about the women from their past like women do? Or maybe I'm an oddity. I'm reminded that you always taught me that what you think of me is none of my business. I forget that concept sometimes and have to remind myself. Thank you for all you taught me over the years. Even though at times I wanted to just throat punch you because you just didn't understand how devastating it all was for a people pleaser like myself. LOL But you are not someone I should have in my life. So I'll put this out there... Because I won't reach out to you directly. 

Geek Photographer - Looking back recently on some of my older posts. It's hard to remember a time that Geek Photographer and I had such a close relationship. He was unhealthy in a lot of ways and honestly I'm confused now knowing he is gay why he would toy with me as much as he did. He actually called me last week. We haven't talked in years. And I really didn't make an effort to catch up. I felt somewhat bad but then rereading the drama between us and I realize I don't have time for people like that in my life right now. I'm not saying he's drama all the time. But I barely have time for the people in my life, let alone someone that makes me feel less about myself. And I know he's changed. I know our dynamic has changed because I was shocked at the earlier dynamic when I read it. I know he came out to me at one point, but apparently it was later in our friendship when I took a break from blogging. 

Obsession - I've been reading some of my entries about Obsession as well. He is not someone I can reach out to to catch up. Not because I haven't been tempted but the opportunity is just not there. He promoted. I have no idea what his new number is. I can't really email him without making his wife upset. I thought about sending him a calendar invite. Made it all clever too. Giving the title "Strategic Alignment Meeting" and the body wouldn't be so obviously a catch up session. (Thanks to ChatGPT) This is what I came up with. 

I was hoping to reconnect and discuss current projects, recent developments, and potential opportunities for collaboration. This meeting will also provide an opportunity to exchange updates and align on any relevant next steps.

If your schedule does not permit, I completely understand. I recognize that your new role likely comes with increased demands and more limited availability for meetings.

I was close to sending it. But it feels like it would be a mistake. He can be somewhat dense so I could imagine if he agreed to the meeting he'd genuinely think there was some collaborative opportunity and would wonder why I was just chit chatting. But ... If his wife saw my name, saw the invite... It just opens up a whole can of worms. And do I really think it would be wise to start reconnecting with him when my marriage is in such a fragile state. 

But after reading some of my posts. I think it is all God's timing. To make sure I don't have distractions and it probably would have pushed me closer to Obsession rather than being able to solely focus on Husband Creature. 

Growth...

"Growth feels uncomfortable because you are stretching"... 

This image really shows a lot of the key words to how the growth has felt... Some days it feels glacially slow. But I do see some progress. I'm trying to have patience with myself and Husband Creature. And challenges always pop up and get in the way of making me feel the growth. And I'm trying to persevere. I've been feeling a bit more hopeful these days. I stopped taking the road that has me passing the Affair's apartment. That's helped immensely. I didn't realize how much it kept me constantly thinking about how Husband Creature stopped to leave a Lego on her car and wondering what that really meant. Or driving by causing my mind to wander and wonder why he picked her. The comparison struggle. I've also stopped talking to Husband Creature about every thought that pops into my head regarding her or the affair. I failed the first day, but after that, any time a concern, fear or question pops into my head I've given it to God. My counselor said my consuming focus of the affair has me overlooking the progress Husband Creature and I have made and I think she is right. 

Though this morning I woke up thinking about some of my fears. Things that Husband Creature has said, that doesn't make sense and knowing he's been a liar... And my own personal thought process makes so much more logical sense, it's hard not to believe my own interpretation than believe my Husband Creature. My interpretation is that my Husband Creature wanted to see if the Affair was still interested. She clearly wasn't so he was stuck staying with me. *Sigh* I have asked Husband Creature every which way I can and he has not once veered from his original statement. He wasn't trying to rekindle anything with her, he genuinely wanted to find out if that's where she lived and to apologize for how things ended. He said it was about closure. The Lego... The Lego is what confuses me. That seems intimate. Hopeful. My brain can't process it any other way. 

I have also been trying to take Husband Creature's compliments without snide comebacks. I didn't realize how often I snapped back when he would call me beautiful. Or if he says he loves me. I want to snap back that he had a funny way of showing it by having an affair. It's hard. It's hard to believe him. Especially knowing he's lied. But I'm working on trust... Not just trusting him but actually trusting God. Knowing God allowed the truth to come out, no matter how much Husband Creature didn't want it to. I am going to trust that God will reveal things. So far, it's been quiet... 

I've been thinking a lot about Obsession. Today in particular. It's the anniversary of his brother's death. I usually reach out. It's been hard not to. He got the promotion he's been trying for since I met him, so 2017... I'm proud of him! I emailed him once I saw the official announcement, hoping that wasn't going to cause an issue. I was pleasantly surprised he replied. A simple thank you for the support throughout the years. But that was it. I was always one of his biggest cheerleaders. I desperately want to message him on Teams but feel like that's the same as email and he's requested I not do that in honor of his wife's wishes. *sigh* 

Life ... As I know it...

Life as I know it... Is forever changed.  I'm trying to find my way back to living in the present and not in the past hurts. My counselor says I've been consumed and it's blinding me to the progress Husband Creature and I have made. 

I find it interesting that I chose a road to express how I am feeling right now. Currently I'm on a kick of listening to 90s music from my high school days, yesterday I wanted a Dr Pepper fountain drink and a Snickers... And honestly it brings me back when life was simpler... Easier. When my bestie and I would just grab a Big Gulp, Snickers and drive around with the windows down, blaring our music... *Sigh* Maybe I need to go for a drive this weekend... 

My counselor is having me read "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa Terkeurst. It's challenging me. It hits so close to home. Sometimes I'm left crying because she is describing the exact emotion that's been so hard to articulate. I feel like I'm not alone. And in those moments, I didn't realize how alone I felt. My mom experienced infidelity from my dad. My best friend experienced it as well. But their experiences were so different than my own. And they can't recall the emotions that I'm currently struggling through. 

Well I need to go. I'm just throwing this out there. Need it off my chest. 

Lost

I'm lost. Husband Creature decided after 4 months to be stupid yet again and reached out to his affair. It didn't help that she moved less than a mile (2 fucking minutes) away! Then to find out Husband Creature reached out to her again. He swears it was to apologize for putting her kids in danger with her boyfriend when he called to apologize to the boyfriend about his part in the affair... But how can I not think it was Husband Creature's way of seeing if the door was still open with her!? He left her a Lego air hockey table on her car... They played air hockey. Why the fuck would he do that if he didn't want her to think fondly of him!?!? Am I a fool for taking him back?! Am I being played for a fool? 

He shared that he came back to me partially because he had no where else to go. I'm broken. I'm not sure how to feel about that. That cuts me to the core. I feel like a fool. Such a fool. It makes me feel so sad. So used. So unloved. So angry. He says he came back because he knew he still loved me, he knew we had history and he didn't want to be without me but he was numb during that time... Broken... That now without a doubt he knows he loves me, that he wants to be with only me. Yet... if that was the case then why did he reach out to his affair knowing it would hurt me. He didn't care. He didn't tell me. It went poorly and *that's* what made him decide he was done!? What if she responded favorably? Would he have ever told me he reconnected with her?! And then to have her be within an easy walking distance. Fuuuuuuck... My heart is heavy. It fills me with so much sadness and RAGE that he would reach out to her knowing it would hurt me and yet he STILL didn't care! After all he's done to me and put me through! He still didn't care what it would do to me! I'm so angry. So hurt. So Sad. So lost. I don't know how to let go of this betrayal. 

Hell Fucking Week

Wednesday February 25 - Fasted and pushed for him to get rid of photos

Thursday February 26 - He told me he would NOT get rid of the photos because he just didn't want to

Friday February 27 - He was an ASSHOLE! Just rude, snippy, aggressive ALL day! We fought. I cried on his chest and he told me to please get off of him. 2:30 am I leave the room telling him HE'S the one with the issue NOT me. I was so angry I wanted to scream so I grabbed my purse, got in my car and drove and screamed, cried, yelled at God. Husband Creature texted me to find out where I went and told me he had come to the living room to bring me back to bed. Told me to be safe. I ended up at the spot where he accepted Jesus into his heart. Cried and screamed so hard I tasted blood (ended up losing my voice). I stayed out for over an hour, listening to worship music and crying out to God. Got home and Husband Creature was gentle and loving and wanted to make things right. 

Saturday February 28 - Had a great day

Sunday March 1st - Husband Creature tells me he *thinks* he knows where "P" lives, and tells me why he thinks so. I confirm with Zillow listing photos of the assumed location and photos she posted getting her keys. She's literally 0.8 miles away from us on a main road we travel EVERY.FUCKING.DAY! 

Monday March 2nd - I find out from a mutual friend that Husband Creature had reached out to "P" on Friday and they had multiple emails back and forth (the day he was a COMPLETE asshole!). I confronted him on the phone, he swore he meant to tell me but our busy weekend he never had the right moment. Later that evening I confirmed he lied earlier in the day about leaving a Lego on her car earlier in the week, he had and STILL at this moment can't tell me WHY he did it (he can't remember what day it was either). Cried, yelled, squawked with no voice. He asked me to come home to talk. I left work on a personal day. He apologized, asked forgiveness, asked me to pray for him in that moment and ended the prayer he asked God to forgive him. He agreed to give me a USB of all photos he had of her/them and I smashed it with a hammer. He tells me he will NEVER reach out to her again unless he talks to me and I agree it's ok in the future. He swears he loves me and this apparently showed him he still had a sliver that needed to be removed. That he got the closure he needed. Though now this sets me back a good couple of months of repair because of all the lies and deceit and doing something he told me he wouldn't do. My heart hurts.  

Thursday - 3/5/26 - Fasting... Struggling... Angry... See above... 

One thing I will say is through all of this... God has shown me how he has orchestrated this week. I don't know how I would have handled the news if I hadn't fully melted down on Friday night. I was shown the lies. I mean FULL ON lies. I was able to approach Husband Creature and explain why his statements didn't make sense and I would find out more. It was painful but I'm grateful God didn't stop us from getting it all out in the open. 

And knowing God has revealed things to me... I was walking and suddenly it hit me, maybe Obsession's wife gave him an actual order never to return my calls. I know it sounds silly but it's possible. And the idea came out of nowhere so I think it could be possible. Somehow it makes me feel better. 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

I'm starting the year with a new perspective. There were a few months of 2025 that sucked ass... My Husband Creature and I almost didn't make it. We're still recovering. Going to counseling. But I think we're on our way to restoration. 

He had an emotional affair (nothing like my infatuation with Obsession, he had a full blown emotional affair)... I'm not sure I want to go into the details just yet. It's still too raw.

But one thing I will say is God gave me the strength to make it through even though it was THE toughest season of my life (thus far)... I'm 48 years old and have been married for 13 years, together for 15. I have never experienced so much emotional pain. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't journal. My brain was unable to put two cohesive thoughts together. I cried. I spent a lot of time just listening to worship music. Crying, praying and asking God to bring my Husband Creature back to me. 

Now... My Husband Creature *is* back to me. We are doing fairly well considering. He's opened his eyes to his stupidity. He is remorseful and apologetic. He is doing everything in his power to put the pieces back together. We've had to makeshift some of the shattered pieces while the wounds are healing. 

It's an odd thing... I have some people that consider me taking him back as an act of strength. I've also had friends ask me what's wrong with me for being willing to accept him back. Honestly, either way would have been hard. If I had gone through with the divorce (yes, it got to the point where I paid the retainer for a lawyer and got the paperwork ready), it would have been a different kind of hard. Staying together... is hard. The pain, the hurt, the insecurities.... It's a lot. But I also know God wants restoration. God wants marriages to stay committed. The enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I had every right, biblically, to walk away from my marriage. And I told my Husband Creature, I can live without him... I just didn't want to. That's not my desire. 

When my Husband Creature was knee deep in his... sin... I did start to think about starting over, the freedom I would have. I thought about reconnecting with Colorado. I thought about how Obsession's wife must have felt with our connection. I thought about dating again. There was a brief moment I thought it would be easier to walk away. But every time I prayed I felt God tell me... You're in this for the "Long Haul"... Before I even realized it was an emotional affair. I knew something broke in my Husband Creature. I felt it was God's way of stating that He wanted me to give Husband Creature a chance. And I did have stipulations for my Husband Creature. I did share that if he decided to be stupid again, that was it, I wouldn't take him back. That this was it. That he had to be sure he really wanted me. And if he wasn't sure... walk away and when he was sure, then come back and see if I'm still available. He said he knew my value, that he didn't want to let me go. That he felt foolish and dumb and wished it never happened. 

I know my value. I know I'm worth more than what he did to me and our marriage vows. I know that I'm a catch. I know there are guys out there that would consider themselves lucky to have me. I know... Without hesitation that I have more value than the thing that attached itself to my Husband Creature for a couple of months. She proved her character or lack thereof. Disturbingly that also means my Husband Creature has shown his character as well. But he is at least apologetic and remorseful for what he's done. He is doing everything I need him to, to repair our marriage. And even as painful as it was, Husband Creature told me the truth... Always. She, on the other hand, lied to my face numerous times even after I confronted her with the truth! 

Though it was interesting to share with Husband Creature that I felt like I could move on, that I would be ok without him. Part of me wonders if that's our problem. I'm not needy enough. He tends to feel drawn to women that are broken and befriends them. It's been an issue throughout our marriage. Someone gave him the title "Captain Save-A-Hoe" and I literally had to burst out laughing. It's truly fitting. All of the women he tends to try to "save" even throughout our marriage. He finds broken women and always wants to offer to help them. Most were innocent enough, but there were moments I would get insecure and he'd shine me on. Now... He pays attention. 

As far as Obsession... We haven't had much luck connecting. We spoke for a hot second before the holidays and he found out I was giving my Husband Creature another chance. He said he had been wondering. (I had told him when I wasn't sure if we were going to make it. We had a long conversation at that time.) This time, I didn't even get to explain how or why before he had to rush off. I'm reminded of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". I know Obsession isn't *into* me. But sometimes I feel like our friendship has faded to nothing. I almost feel like I'm annoying him. Though at times he mentions he thinks about me and is too busy to call me back. That's when I go to the movie... If he wanted to he would make an effort to call me back. He's better in person. I miss him. Our talks. How he made me feel interesting and engaging. Looking back, if Obsession had ever reciprocated my feelings, who's to say I wouldn't be the one stating that I had an emotional affair. Maybe that's why I'm more willing to forgive. I know how easy it is to get entangled in your feelings. 

The above was originally written January 8th, 2026. 

So as of right now, I left a voicemail for Obsession yesterday that basically said, I'm not sure if you're super busy or I'm just not getting the hint but I hoped he was doing well... No call back. So I'm going to take that as my sign NOT to reach out anymore. I'm sad. But it will be for the best. It's clear he's just not interested in maintaining a friendship. Or just too busy to reach out. Either way, I know at one point he had hoped to keep up the friendship. When I called him to say goodbye he said I had his number and to stay in touch. But how many voicemails can I leave unanswered and feel like I'm becoming an annoyance? I don't feel I'm over-reacting either. In the matter of a couple of months I've left a few messages, none of them have been returned. The last time one was returned was prior to his birthday which was in October. I called him and he picked up and that was when we spoke for less than 1 minute before he had to hop off. It was also when I told him I was working on my marriage. Not sure if that made him uncomfortable or what. He said he would call back and hasn't since. *Sigh* So moving on... 

Husband Creature

The last three weeks have been rough for my Husband Creature and I. Honestly it's caused a damper to all the amazing things going on in our lives. My hope and joy is diminished because he and I are not doing well. In fact, oddly I've wanted to avoid speaking to Obsession. Like it's opened my eyes to the fragility of marriage. Husband Creature is NOT doing well. For a while I thought it was me/us. I think with all the stress we have in our lives right now. He just doesn't have the coping skills. 

I've been struggling... Like *really* struggling. It's been so hard to be around a man who tells you that he "thinks" he loves you and "would be sad if you weren't around"... He finally stated that he loves me but isn't sure about the "in love" part. I had to remind him that love is a decision not a feeling. 

But damn... Writing it sucks. These last few weeks I've been desperate, fearful, anxious, emotional, heart-broken. But in all honesty... I think my desperation is that I want it fixed. I didn't realize it was a long term healing process. I thought we could recover quickly and got so thrown by every-other-day being a different issue or it steadily growing worse! 

I think last night I finally accepted the situation... THE WHOLE SITUATION! That I may have to live in a loveless marriage until my Husband Creature figures out what it is he needs to figure out. I didn't want to step into this new season of our lives, one that should be filled with happiness and gratitude, but rather filled with uncertainty and a lack of joy. I fought it! With everything in me. I mourned it. And after 3 weeks... I think I finally let go of it... With the help of God. I have cried out to Him off an on for the last 3 weeks. Telling Him I just couldn't do it anymore... I've been mourning "us" and wishing, hoping and expecting we'd just go back to normal. But something broke in Husband Creature. He is not the same person I've known for the last 15 years. Something broke in him. It scared the shit out of me.

But then I realized... I can't force him to do anything. I mean "duh" right? But I was desperately *WILLING* him to snap out of it and every day that he wouldn't I was even more desperate. He says he's not happy. With life or anything or anyone. Including myself and our Stinker Creature. 

I believe he officially broke sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. Possibly sooner. I mean we've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I think he was holding on by a thread and so was I with all the stress we've been under. But I think the part in my Husband Creature that kept him loving... just broke. And I still don't know what was the triggering force. And it's crazy to think it's only Friday. I should be willing to give him more time. But I've had my own fears and concerns at what I think was the warning signs. I misread them to be because of another woman. Now I think I was just fearful because I felt him pull away. I felt the distance and assumed it must be because of another woman. 

It's been tough. But this week I've spent a lot of ups and downs... Crying... reading the Bible... Venting to people... Venting to Husband Creature... It wasn't until last night that I realized this isn't going away overnight. It may not go away before we move into our beautiful new home... And I was upset... Angry... That I wouldn't be able to go into our new home, hand-in-hand with the love of my life... My heart broke. I cried and cried in the shower. Telling God I couldn't keep doing this, I couldn't handle it... and He said He could...

In all honesty, we still have a couple of weeks. So much has changed day by day. It just feels like AGES! It feels like where he's at will never change. But I've spent the majority of the day in God's presence. Listening to worship music, listening to The Power of a Praying Wife, listening to prayers on Youtube, reading scriptures, encouraging biblical clips... Anything to keep my mind on God and all that HE can do, and not on my circumstances. I need to be prepared that Husband Creature may take longer than I would like to come around. And who knows, God can do miracles. But I just need to accept it rather than fight it and be miserable in the process. I need to learn how to love my Husband Creature even though he's acting unloving towards me. I need to protect my heart but not close myself off to him. It's tough to balance that. And when I'm not around my Husband Creature its so much easier but when I see him after work today and the extended weekend... Ugh... I'm scared. But with God, who gives me strength... All things are possible. I can do it. I will just need to shut up and pray for the most of the weekend. I feel confident now. Let's see how I do... 

I fasted dinner last night, I fasted lunch and I'm going to try to do a 24 hour fast. I have to eat for my meds in the morning but I can skip lunch and dinner and not eat until tomorrow morning. And I may do it at least once-a-week until this situation is resolved. And in God's presence I have found joy again. Peace. Confidence in who I am as his Wife Creature. It's amazing how different I feel today from this whole week. I want to stay in His peace. Lord give me strength. 

Job Offer

So I have a potential job offer... (Now official job offer). It's a weird feeling. Part of me is anxious to take the job, the other is anxious about leaving where I work now. And of course it means I'll be even further from Obsession. Which isn't much. I don't talk to him at all really. Maaaaybe once-a-month if I'm lucky. 

I left him a voicemail this morning asking to give me a call ... 

... Obsession called me back later on Friday (7/18/25) before he left work. We talked for over an hour! 

I shared about my job offer. He was very supportive. We talked about my house, my Husband Creature's potential new job, my son, my parents. He seemed reserved and then he opened up that he is going into a higher position temporarily and it'll be a great training opportunity for him. I asked if he'd be able to come to our house warming party when we have one (I prefaced the question with the fact that I think I knew the answer). He, of course, said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to repair that, maybe apologize to his wife and he said no, he'd rather just not deal with that. I was like well I'm bummed, I'd love for you to see the house and he was like well you can show me pictures! And I was like ummm.. How can I do that? I can't email them to you... ... lol and he was like oh yeah definitely NOT! And I didn't really remind him that if I leave the department it'll be harder to call each other. Either way, it was a nice conversation. I'm always still so surprised we can talk over an hour like no time has passed... 

... AND I was able to see Obsession this Wednesday (7/23/25). It was nice to see him. I didn't get any real time with him. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. We talked about my house and my son a little more. He stood next to me a couple of times asking why I wasn't out there dancing, we were at a retirement celebration. He encouraged me to but then stood next to me happily watching everyone else. I was really annoyed. The girl in my previous spot says Obsession comes up to her and says "Well when Clandestine was here SHE would do this or that" and she just responds "well I'm not the one that has a crush on you! She just does it because she has a crush". And honestly I was offended. I did my job well. And there was nothing I did for Obsession I wouldn't do for any of the other people in his position. The only thing I did for him was bake cookies and make him a container just for him. Ugh it annoyed me. And then I think of how annoying it was for him to hear that. Blah! 

I'll miss him. I keep thinking if he's going into an Acting role at this job, I won't know his extension. I won't be able to really leave him a message. It'll kind of suck. I won't know if he gets the promotion he's been gunning for. I won't really have any information without asking people and I don't want them to think too much about me asking. *Sigh* oh well... People come and people go right? I need to accept that he will probably be a distant memory like some of these other individuals have been in my life. Colorado, Ex, First Kiss, Latin Lover, The Drummer... They were a big part of my life... and now they aren't... Eventually Obsession will be part of that list... *sigh* makes me kinda sad. 

Phone Conversations

So I've had a couple great conversations with Obsession. One last month (5/21 for about 30 min) and the other last week (6/10 for about 45 min). I found out he was going to be a Grandpa! I can tell he's a little bitter that his daughter chose to elope rather than have the big wedding. It's more about the fact that he didn't get to walk her down the isle I think. He's also having issues with his son. Not being motivated in life and acting like his dad should take care of his bills even though he's not going to school or working full time. I can imagine that's tough. We talked about Marco Polo. How I can sometimes go an entire drive to work recording a video and how that video can get played any time the other person has the time to listen and the app even allows for notes. He made fun of me but once we were wrapping up our long conversation I teased him about how long we were talking and he said he could handle 45 min since it was interactive. I said it was because us girls like to talk. He was affronted that I lumped him into "us girls" and I laughed and said I wasn't talking about him but us women in general can talk more than guys. lol He did not disagree. But it was a nice chat. One that left me with a smiling at the memory of it. 

Today I went to a different location and ended up seeing Obsession. I said hello. He was sweet. He found out I joined a team that helps fellow staff out and he was like that is perfect for you! We didn't talk long. He seemed to cut the conversation short which led me to not force any further conversation when I saw him on my way out. I just waved and said goodbye. Even though he and another coworker were just hangin out. It would have been the perfect opportunity to catch up but I'm thankful I didn't think about it till it was too late. Gotta run! 

Feels like a permanent shift

Even my dreams feel it... 

I had a dream about Obsession last night. In my dream I had to talk to him about a work thing, I felt awkward and shy like I do in real life. I came into his office, discussed the reason for the meeting, then talked surface topics, before I left I was hesitant but asked if he would call and tell me if an email was coming out with his name on it (meaning he got a promotion he just interviewed for in real life) or if I'd find out from the email and he looked at me and shook his head "no", and that I'd find out when the email came out. My heart sank... And I walked out of the meeting a little sad. I was frustrated that we didn't have the same friendship/relationship we have had in the past. And it's clear if I'm dreaming about it, even my subconscious feels there's a permanent shift. Our relationship will never be the same. I am bummed.

My Husband Creature said he had "a 20 min chat with your 'Sancho' at work the other day" and I was like "What Sancho?" and he said the only one you have... And then it hit me, he was talking about Obsession. I was completely oblivious at first... Then... self conscious! Wondering how they interact with each other... Knowing my Husband Creature found out he's my work crush and doesn't understand the reason I find Obsession attractive. lol I still think his reaction was hilarious ... "Why!?" lol 

Now that I've spent some time away from my "Obsession"... I have to admit I understand my Husband Creatures reaction. I saw Obsession the other day. And when I did, I enjoyed seeing him. He looked at me deeply when we were standing outside. Like he was taking me in. It was a moment but fleeting. I enjoyed our chat. Our catchup session. He seems genuinely happy things are coming together nicely for me and my Husband Creature. And I've missed our chats. I wanted to talk more. I didn't get to hear much about his life. But when I looked at him as we were talking I thought to myself... "Why did he seem more attractive to me before?" Maybe it's age? Maybe it was more circumstantial? Maybe the void I had from my Husband Creature when my obsession first started was being filled up by the friendship with Obsession and I thought it was more? Or maybe the void Obsession was filling made him more attractive to me? Though the photos of us together still invoke an emotional response.

Prior to seeing him that day I had manipulated time to be able to drop off some cookies for him and once I did... The feeling of dread and conviction hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately asked God for forgiveness and when I saw him after that (I had literally dropped the cookies off at his truck, I couldn't see him face-to-face), I told him that probably wouldn't be happening again. It was too awkward and too challenging to get him cookies unless I was in the same building as him. 

And... now I'm confused again. I don't like how dreams affect me when it comes to Obsession. I need to shake this feeling... I'm going to let this out in the world and hope it's cleared my mind enough to stop me from doing anything stupid like reaching out... 

All but extinct

A little over a year since everything changed with Obsession. Our friendship feels all but extinct. Not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is grateful. Another part of me is sad. I miss it. Our friendship. Our epic conversations. I miss the anticipation and excitement of hearing back from him or talking to him or even just seeing him. I realize it's for the best for sure. It feels like it was a necessary step, to break the tie we had. I say we, not I... It was mutual to some extent. I know I was more of an ego boost for him but he still enjoyed my company and obviously I enjoyed his. 

My Husband Creature actually now works where Obsession works. They don't work directly together I don't think. But Husband Creature asked me who my work crush was, point blank. I had to be honest. I was embarrassed, and felt sheepish. He knows him. So I told him. He was like "Really!? Why?" lol Clearly he thought my crush was a different person. And I told him I honestly didn't know why. Husband Creature asked me if Obsession knew. I told Husband Creature that Obsession only knew that I had asked Obsession if he knew all the girls think he's good looking. I didn't go into any further explanation. But when it comes to the attraction, it just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks... unlike any random eyebrow raise for the other good looking guys that I've run across. 

The above was written before 3/11/25

But... Yesterday... Yesterday I saw Obsession! He was at my office and came up to my cubicle and shocked the heck out of me. It was so great to see him! He looked good of course. But it just made my morning. I wanted to talk to him longer but he had to go do what he came to do. He said he would swing back by when he was done but when he did I was stuck in a meeting so he waved as he walked by. 

I still have no idea where he came from. I'm in a different spot than I last told him. But he seemed to beeline for me. It meant A LOT that he stopped by to say hi. The last couple of times he's been at my building he hasn't made any effort. Now... would he have made the effort if he wasn't already meeting someone in my area? Maybe not. But... I'm thankful that he stopped by before he had to do his thing and I saw him without him making a point to say hi. I would have been super hurt. 

He asked how things were going and seemed genuinely happy that things seem to be falling into place for me. He's known a lot of the struggles I've had over the last 7 years. And I desperately wished we had more time to talk but... That's how it is these days. Our work schedules don't allow us to see each other often and not emailing or calling really puts a damper on us catching up. But I repeat what I said at the beginning ... It's probably for the best.. *Sigh*  

That's even worse

"That's even worse!" - Obsession

I'm still a little confused. The words keep repeating in my head... Days later... (Unsurprisingly *eye roll* lol)

I saw Obsession last week for the first time in weeks, possibly months. He looked good. He *always* looks good. I felt like I looked like crap but I had to remind myself it didn't matter. He gave me a hug. We did a quick catchup session in the hall and it was nice to see him. I tried not to bring anything up that would make me seem pissy (which I was) about the lack of follow up. 

He brought up how long it's been since we've talked on the phone, noting that it had been at least 4 weeks (In all honesty, I was surprised he had kept track of it). I asked about his birthday, and how his Grandma was doing (she passed), how work was. I shared that I have a physical address now, how my Stinker Creature started karate, how Husband Creature got a temp job at the place we work at and most likely will be working out of Obsession's location. He shared that the 5 of them went to Disneyland that Monday. I had to get to my meeting, he had to get to his assignment so he asked how late I would be working. I told him. 

I snuck out early to go to the main office he was working out of 15 min before my time to leave and 30+ minutes flew by as I felt him open up like he used to. We talked about a bunch of stuff. How his oldest son is giving him troubles, struggles at work. I encouraged him to reach out to his boss and get clarification on something she told him she would meet with him on. I told him she probably wasn't avoiding him but just busy. Our conversations are always so easy. I wished I could have stayed talking with him for as long as we wanted to but I was already working late, as it was I went over my time by 20 minutes. 

There was a sly smile when I told him that I missed him. His smirk made me wonder if he was just waiting for it to be said, or if he genuinely enjoyed hearing that I missed him. He said he did too. 

When I packed up to leave he said he felt good getting things off his chest, thanked me for listening to his venting about work. I told him he could always call me, any time and that I took his hint and stopped calling him. He smiled and said something about the phone log. And I said, well you can call me and he was like "that's even worse!" It stunned me into stuttering my goodbye because one of his staff walked in and he couldn't explain his statement and I couldn't ask. 

I walked out feeling confused. I mean it's pretty obvious he's concerned about how it looks to have my number on his call log so much. But would people really have an issue with it? Even with my work number? I started to think back on my last few calls and they had been from my cell phone. So maybe that's what he was talking about? Maybe he thought I meant to have him call me from his cell? I don't know. But either way, I'm not calling him. And it sucks. 

Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol 

Obsessing Off and On

If you read below you will see that I still obsess off and on about Obsession. Less and less often these days. Probably due to the Long Absent, Soon Forgotten concept I talk about below... Which means I live even less in his mind/memory if he's slipping from mine. Obsession still pops into my head more than he should though. Someone at work said the statement, "I live rent free in her head" and that's kind of how it feels about Obsession. He lives rent free in my head. It's annoying. It was almost daily. At work, it *is* daily. I have a digital frame on my desk at work that only houses photos I've taken with coworkers. I have quite a few of Obsession and I in our long history. I'm thinking I need to just remove his photos... Maybe... Eventually. lol On the weekend he's on my mind because I wonder, should I call? Maybe to catch up? It's usually more quiet on the weekends. 

Ugh... Someone shared this statement with me and I had to think of Obsession... "When God prunes people out of your life, let Him do what He knows is best for you. He sees a Judas before we do." And not that he's a Judas per say... It's just so clear that God shut all doors of open communication with Obsession. How many more hints can I take to STAY AWAY! There was something shifting in our friendship. Maybe it could have gone in the wrong direction. I still remember that photo we took together at Christmas. That I had invited another coworker to join us for the photo and he said he was going to honor Obsessions wishes and stay out of the photo. I looked confused at Obsession and was like no it's cool, you can join us! And the guy was like nope, I told Obsession I wouldn't. Obsession didn't argue. Which meant they talked about it at some point while I wasn't around. 

The last time I at his work location he didn't have his wedding ring on. My first thought was did he get separated?!?! Oh Lord, I hope not because of me! Then I thought, he probably just forgot his ring, no biggie. He mentioned something he shared with her on Father's Day which indicated they were still together then he said he gave me the abridged version since he didn't have time to go into everything that happened that day with me. Part of me wondered if it was because someone he didn't know too well was sitting with us as he shared his horrible Father's Day. 

He interviewed for a promotional position last week. My desk is situated where I get a good view of the parking lot. He didn't come to my area to say hello. I guess I can understand with the stress of interviewing but I was sad. The odd thing was he parked in his old spot, came back to his car, moved it to where no one could see it. When he came out of the interview it looked like he jumped into a car that I didn't recognize. My first thought was he met his wife for lunch to discuss the interview. Or... *IS* he having an affair? And his wife knows something is off so she was super paranoid of his friendship with me? Dang! talk about overanalyzing! *SMH*

Husband Creature and I are still doing well! I feel more connected to him than ever. Our sex life is great! We're in the process of looking to buy a house. It's crazy how expensive it is out there now. Houses we could have bought almost outright are 4-5 times more expensive than they were maybe 5 years ago! Which is stressful. Well honestly I need to get this posted. More to come... 

Below was written 6/4/24 from excerpts from an article article I read online.  

Long Absent, Soon Forgotten... Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Not in this case. 

This implies that distance can evoke a sense of nostalgia, longing, and appreciation for the other person.

I do agree that the human mind has a very unique way of romanticizing memories that a person happens to be fond of, especially when it comes to cherished relationships. So when separated, individuals are likely to focus on the positive aspects of their connection, reveling in the moments they spent together. So, in the absence of the daily routines and constant presence of the other, the bond may appear more idealized and appreciated, and this contributes to the belief that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The saying “out of sight is out of mind” simply posits that when two or more people are separated or disconnected, their thoughts and emotions concerning one another gradually fade away. So the longer one spends away from someone else, the further apart they grow and the weaker whatever bond that existed between them becomes.

Lack of contact can lead to a decrease in emotional connectedness and attachment between two or more people.

5/28/24 - Forehead Kisses 

Dreams still plague me. It's frustrating that I still dream about him. 

Below was written 5/11/24

I need to let go... 

I mean it's crazy... How much more can I verify how little I mean to someone? 

The above two lines were written April 24... Now it's May 16... And I just feel ... foolish. There are moments... Moments when I realize, for his wife to feel as frustrated as she is with me, she had to see something different in how he spoke to me or about me compared to other female coworkers. I *hate* that I can't email him. It changes our entire dynamic. I can't call him, he's never at his desk. I think about calling the main office but two things. He always answers the phone on speaker so I never know who's in the room listening. Second... what if he doesn't answer. How do I explain that I'm calling? I just feel dumb. And I wonder... Does he even notice I'm not around? I'm sure he does. 

Take Your Child To Work Day really ticked me off. Well I wasn't ticked until I saw that he took a selfie with a bunch of other girls, one of which I *know* he's attracted to. And I wonder, did he suggest it? or did she? And if he suggested it, why not get one with me when I saw him? Why isn't he getting yelled at for photos with them? 

Just writing that down... Takes out some of the sting... 

The End...

This is the end, beautiful friend... This is the end, my only friend... The End... 

Now that I've started to get over the struggle of being completely and utterly mortified. The realization that the communication will never be the same is starting to sink in. The realization that there was more to our emailing back and forth than I realized... As innocent as *most* of the emails were... I never thought I'd not have that opportunity. I've emailed Obsession for over 5 years.

Obsession's wife read our emails back and forth... ALL of them apparently. She was pissed and he had to reiterate that there was nothing going on. She was still angry and thought the emails were inappropriate and demanded that he tell me to stop communicating via email... 

His email cut me to the core because there was no warning. It came out of the blue. It was so harsh... I wasn't even sure if our work friendship would be able to continue either. 

Hi Clandestine,

This message is probably long overdue in all honesty. My wife read your messages directed at me in my work email. Although, I explained that it was nothing to be worried about, I must admit and agree with her that the emails were inappropriate from the outside looking in. From the perspective of a spouse, I can see and understand her point of view. I hope that you understand and ask that you respect my request and refrain from sending me messages via *email when content is not necessary for business. I know how this may be sudden and that is probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I apologize for that. Either way, I feel that you will understand and respect my point of view.

Sincerely,     

Without knowing how he was going to treat me in person I read the worst in that email. I worried that he was also angry at my emailing him frivolous messages. I didn't cry... I just took a break, tried to breath, and felt like a complete fool. My mouth went numb. It was weird. I was mortified. I felt stupid. I wondered how much she actually read. I wondered a lot of things. 

Then I realized God closed a door. And it was a good thing. He did it to protect me and my marriage. 

I gathered courage and called my mom... I was embarrassed. I shared the situation and the history. She was kind. She prayed for me. 

I tried to go back to work... I knew I couldn't reply. I knew I may see him the next day at work and had no clue how he would treat me. I knew I couldn't engage, that I'd have to let him approach me. I wasn't sure if he even would. I prayed and prayed... Asked for forgiveness... And prayed some more... 

The next day I went to work. He wasn't in until later. As it got closer to his start time I prayed hard for courage not to be hurt if he avoided me. I had walked out to my car to get my charger and when I walked back in he was in the office next to the one I frequent talking to my old boss. I freaked. I prepared myself for him to walk past me and act like he didn't see me...

But he didn't. He came to my doorway and I was already shaking my head, mouthing how sorry I was. He asked if I got his email. I couldn't even make a sound, to the point he asked if I lost my voice lol I said... I just felt horrible that my actions made him have to go through that. He said he had no idea how his wife was able to read all of my emails but he said... I mean she read them ALL! Even the one where you admit you think about me all the time. But in that moment he couldn't push the question of how but had to deal with the issue at hand. And I apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. I told him it kind of was. He said that it was something he could have said something about, but he honestly didn't think it was an issue. I told him how surprised I was by his email, that I kind of expected something like that would be a conversation. He said that his wife required it. That she read it to make sure he did it. And wanted to know if I had replied or if he had seen me after the email was sent. He said he didn't want to send the email but his wife was pretty adamant and he said she was his spouse so he kind of had to. I actually couldn't hold back a light laugh but then was relieved. I told him I wasn't sure how he'd treat me in person based on the tone of the email. I asked if he needed me to just keep my distance in general. He said this wasn't high school. That he wouldn't treat me any different and told me not to freak out. lol And he actually made that clear when I went into the main office later and he seemed to make a point to treat me exactly the same. 

He tried to tell her there was nothing going on. I guess she kept turning it back on him. That if he read the emails between her and a guy how would he feel. He had to be honest, he'd be upset. He said that he never engaged, sure it was flattering, but that he was always very careful in his replies when I would admit my feelings for him. I told him, exactly you never admitted to being attracted to me or anything. He said that's because he was always super careful and now he was really glad he was. 

And now that I heard his tone towards me I can read that email and see how he was careful with his words towards me. "Inappropriate from the outside looking in" Meaning he didn't see it as inappropriate from his perspective. He said he wanted to write "Don't take this wrong" but then realized his wife would be angry that he was worried about my feelings over hers so he had to write it the way he did. 

It hasn't been till there are things I want to share with him that I realize ... Damn... I'm gonna fuckin miss emailing him. Which means there was something I got from those emails. Instant gratification. He'd respond. He'd engage. I realize now looking back and how he treated me in person, I think he enjoyed our email chats as well. Based on how he would reply. We are so limited in person... This is really going to suck. 

Then I think about the fact that this is a door that I know God closed, and He closed it for a reason. There was something forming between Obsession and I that was inappropriate. Especially since I can't really see the problem in my overshares. I think because I knew even though I am attracted to Obsession I love my Husband Creature and don't want anything to come between us. So I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. I clearly needed the distance. The separation. 

And then I think about Obsession's wife's perspective and think... wow... I bet her heart was pounding in rage as she read my emails. I wonder how long it took her to confront Obsession. I wonder how that whole thing went down. She will hate me forever. I will never be able to build a friendship with her. I will always be the stupid girl from her husband's work that was inappropriate with her husband. Ugh... I hate that. 

The above was written 1/25/24 5:27pm

So Obsession stopped by my door when he came in the following Friday. Which surprised me. He never really did that before so I appreciated the effort. In fact, I loved it! It made me realize that he wants to keep the communication going. But... last Friday his schedule changed. He works mornings now on Fridays. I was able to chat with him for a bit in the morning when I got in. I was happy to hear his schedule changed leaving him the weekend evenings to go out. 

Then... I had another gut punch... I will be done working out of his office (the local office) on Fridays at the end of this month. Side note: He's going to New York for two of those Fridays. So now, I get one more Friday to see him... Then it'll be hit and miss. Maybe once-a-month at best... 

I went in and talked to him because I was pissy with everything I had been hit with on Friday, so I vented about the other annoyances and we laughed and I felt better and realized again... Damn this is gonna suck not being able to have these conversations. So I asked if I could call him, or if I should just avoid him altogether. He said phone calls are tough because he never knows where he's going to be or what his availability will be. Thus why I always emailed him before. 

*Sigh* A new level of bummed set in my gut and I became really sad on Friday. Foolishly sad. Obsession said we'll figure it out, that we'll have to stop by whenever we go to the other's respective locations and I was like, when are you ever at my location anymore? lol I think in that moment I realized he doesn't really care one way or the other lol Not like me. Then I felt foolish all over again. 

This process has felt like a slow removal of a band-aid. I didn't get hit with it all at once. It's almost like God closed the door one section at a time. God knew how rough this will be on me. The big part was no more emails. Now no more time in the local office... Blah! But then again I realize it's for my benefit. For the benefit of my marriage. For the benefit of my heart. Clearly there was something inappropriate forming and I wasn't going to stop on my own. 2/6/24 1:30PM

5/23/24 - I haven't posted this for fear... Fear of what? I don't know. But I've held onto it. Rereading it. Embarrassed. Ashamed. But I reread an older post "An Explanation" and realized... The whole point of this Clandestine Blog is to be clandestine yet real... honest. I haven't posted because I'm embarrassed. But writing helps me process things. I have been a fool. I AM a fool. It's hard to believe it's been 5 months. I was correct. Everything has changed. I have tiny interactions maybe once-a-month at best. I miss him. I feel stupid for missing him. I go through a myriad of thoughts and feelings when he pushes to the forefront of my mind and then I shove it away knowing he probably hasn't noticed the lack of my presence. That it shouldn't matter even if he has. The distance is for the best... all around. 

Colorado

Colorado still pops into my head a lot. Lately he's been updating his background photo and the last time I checked he updated his profile photo. I don't understand why I'm still so drawn to talking to him. I was tempted a couple of times to reach out but then I remember my promise to my Husband Creature. Which, things are going really well with him. 

The above was written 11/28/23 1:00pm

Still with Colorado... It's been hard not to start a chat but then I think of having to let my Husband Creature know I started talking to him again and stop myself. If Colorado were to reach out to me I could justify a message or two back but it could be dangerous. The desire to reach out doesn't make much sense. I know he's a firm believer in manifesting and sometimes when these strong urges happen I wonder if he's trying to manifest us communicating again. Then I think he probably doesn't even notice my absence. Right? What he thinks of me is none of my business. I forget that from time-to-time. lol 

The above was written 12/8/23 9:55am

So I haven't been emailing Obsession. I did scan him a little note yesterday but he hasn't responded to any of those notes so I should probably just stop. The last time I saw him he noticed it had been a while since we've talked, it was only 2 weeks, but he made sure to stand up and give me a hug. I confirmed my time to be at my local office on Friday's is coming to an end. I think yesterday it hit me harder because I was on the interview panel and know who they chose and since it's an internal candidate it will be sooner than later. 

I just don't have the time I used to have ... 

Lordy the above was written 12/15/23 10:42am maybe today I can finally get through this post. 

So... it seems like Colorado keeps updating his cover photo every week. Maybe he's doing a photo challenge. But I am still struggling not saying hello. Especially since an ex-coworker now uses Google Chat to keep in touch with me and I see Colorado's chat history below hers. I should remove the temptation huh? 

Obsession and I have had a few interesting interactions. One being last Friday. I had a busy and rough week. When I came in there was no guilt in just sitting down and talking with him for 2 hours. He switched shifts with someone so he was there early too. So we sat, we talked, we laughed. Like the old days when he worked at my current office and we didn't have many interruptions. We talked about a lot of random stuff. We did end up talking about his wife. How he's concerned once the kids leave the house if they'll have anything left in common. I encouraged him to fight to find that common ground now while the kids were still there. He is really into wine. He says his wife is too but seems to make faces when she drinks it. lol He seemed eager to find a drink that I'd like. He found out about mine and my Husband Creatures "Intimate Mondays" and seemed envious, not in an inappropriate way but more wishing he and his wife had something like that. She seems to get frisky in the middle of the night when he's not feeling *up* to the task. He gets a little vindictive it seems. Going out of his way to avoid his wife and not include her when lets say he goes to the jacuzzi with some wine. His example is he will go get his swim trunks on, fill a large glass of wine, grab a towel and she asks what he's doing he says he's going out to the jacuzzi. He won't invite her. So she showed up 45 minutes later asking if she can join and he's like nope, I'm getting ready to get out. Seems a bit harsh. But I encouraged him to really seek out what she's interested in, he mentioned he should take her to dinner and have a real conversation about what she wants and what her genuine interests are. He doesn't know if she even knows. We had a great conversation. Then... others showed up and I had to get some work done so I left and we didn't get much time after that. 

The only other thing that did take place on Friday is my work had a photo booth set up and I had asked Obsession and another guy to take photos with me. At the time the other guy agreed whole heartedly. Obsession joked that he didn't want him to steal the spotlight in my photo with Obsession. And when it came to take the photo there was an odd interaction between Obsession and him and he said based on a conversation with Obsession he was not going to be joining us per Obsessions request. I thought he was joking but Obsession didn't object. So I just let it go... And Obsession and I walked over to the photo booth. I noted the conversation being somewhat awkward but it reminded me of the time we walked over to the same office for some coffee and Obsession seemed genuinely worried I was too cold in my sandals at work and making sure to walk between me and the outside world. Back to the photo booth, apparently I get a little cardboard frame to go with the photo when they get it printed. Standing for the photo, his arm was around me, his hand was in that awkward spot just at my bra strap and back above my bra where my back fat sticks out... lol But as much as it was embarrassing it felt oddly intimate from previous photos we've taken where we stand just side by side and he barely touches me. This time I felt closeness like he was actually holding me. He even mentioned something in passing how he actually held me for the photo. I can't recall the exact wording. I also asked Obsession for a selfie. Both photos he looks freakin great. And I look ... meh... I was disappointed in the full length photo from the photo booth because I still look quite heavy, especially next to him... even with all the weight loss. Though he is taller. But all-in-all it was a nice day. 

That night I sent him our selfie and thanked him for the nice time chatting. And that I could tell he made efforts to chat with me even when it was busy. I told him Merry Christmas and asked if he had a chance to talk to his wife at dinner that night about her hopes and dreams after the kids leave... 

Saturday on the other hand I had a lot of face palm moments. Moments I regret. Moments I'm just not sure how to feel about.

I guess Obsession responded to my email the night before within 30 minutes after arriving to work so that's not too bad. But he didn't touch on anything about his wife or their chat or our selfie, just said. 

Merry Xmas to you and fam. It was fun today, unfortunately this position doesn’t allow me to sit an relax much with everything going on, but yesterday was fun.

I had already had it in my mind to drop off some cookies but was just trying to figure out how to make that work without causing any issues with Husband Creature. ... Yeah I know... A clear sign I should have not done it. But... I did it anyway... And had to ignore a call from Husband Creature so he wouldn't ask where I was going because I should have been home getting ready for our Christmas event that night. Then once I got there I didn't have time to bring it in, so I was going to hang it off Obsession's side mirror but the bag didn't fit over the mirror so I had to set it on top of his truck and I know how men get about putting things on their cars/trucks... So I ran home... And emailed him a photo so he could know to go out to his truck. Then I got nervous he wasn't getting his email because of where he was at work. So I called... Spoke to the other guy, the one that was supposed to take a photo with me and Obsession but didn't want to steal the spotlight from Obsession. It was clear that when he found out it was me, I could tell he physically turned to Obsession who was apparently in the office and made it obvious who he was talking to... He was about to hand over the phone to Obsession when I said I didn't need to talk to Obsession but needed him to tell Obsession to check his email and I promptly got off the phone not knowing if Obsession had already checked his email and knew about the bag and/or I looked like a fool.... I felt so dumb.... My email was a photo of the bag on his truck, explaining I didn't know where to put it. Then the entire evening went by without a word... And I felt dumb. I felt foolish. I was ashamed. I finally got a response at 9pm...  

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

This was good surprise because I had to order myself over and work until 4am tonight. So I’ll be eating these cookies all night. AND they were cold…perfect. Lol

Thanks again, Oh….and *the other guy* thanks you too

I responded explaining more why I didn't have time to bring them in, and why I felt the need to call, lamented that he had to work OT, glad I was able to help and where I had just come home from and I got a one line item response and I dislike it when people say Christmas with an X (Xmas!)... blah lol 

So... Tuesday I get a snap from a friend at work showing me screenshots of photos from the recent work Christmas events and she sends me the photo of her monitor with the photo of me and Obsession from the photo booth. Wednesday I get an email from another coworker to both me and Obsession saying she loves the photo of us from the photo booth. I told her I made him join me. He said 

LOL…

She did coerce me with cookies! Mmmmmmmmmmmm….

And I desperately wanted to add ... You mean more like I rewarded you with cookies because those came afterwards and you weren't aware of them? lol but I kept my mouth shut... And now I'm trying to decide if I send him an email about being gone for New Years or just let it be... 

Spiraling is exhausting

It started with an overshare that I tried to clarify and got some genuine feedback that kicked my obsession into overdrive and my spiraling went a tad out of control. lol 

Basically I told him that I think it's odd that he resides in my head so much... Probably more than he should. And not that I'm thinking of him inappropriately (at least not as much as in the beginning of our friendship). I shared that I'm surprised and unsure how to feel about it. And part of me wondered if it was a one-sided friendship and how I felt it wasn't because I felt like he was a kindred spirit. That because of our friendship and my attraction to him I will always give him preferential treatment. And though I don't assume his view of our friendship equals mine, I did hope he valued our friendship and if I was honest part of me wanted to confirm he did. 

You really know how to express your feelings, I don’t think I am as good at that as you.

But what I will say, is that I do value our friendship and enjoy our talks so please don’t doubt that. Your company always brightens things up around here. I like the fact that you hold nothing back so just know that I appreciate you!

I think I've reread and analyzed it so much, it's memorized (Not that it's a lengthy response lol). It's the first time he's even remotely been straight forward in responding to my hope for validation... I'm not sure if that's the right word. I was pretty real with him. Normally when I overshare I get a cryptic response that I have to try to decipher but not this time. There is nothing I could potentially take wrong either which makes me really happy. Of course, now that I share it, it doesn't sound like much. But for me... I'm happy. I told him I really appreciated his response and that it meant a lot to me. 

Now to see how we interact the next time we see each other which should be tomorrow. ... 

  

Vibes

 So Wednesday of last week I received a nice email. 

Hey you,

I know it’s late, but happy birthday. ...

Forgive me if I’ve seemed distracted while I’m (removed). My mind is in a million places when I’m (removed). Everything is so disrupting, it’s hard to concentrate. Things are just different here compared to my (previous location).

... Looking forward to Friday, I’ll try to stop and take a breather then.

Yes, save your stories for Friday, things are much better in person, looking forward to it

Obession

So it's sweet that he would rather talk in person. But did it happen? Probably not as easily as it did in the past. 

The above was written 9/28/23 

This morning, there was a moment... One that flustered me a bit. Nothing crazy. Just a look. It caused me to fumble my words though. I could tell he was looking at me with a level of attraction. He's always complimented me on my moto jacket. He noticed I got my hair done. Which was surprising. He said he's trying to be more observant. lol But it was something more. He was trying to figure out what he was noticing. Even Friday we didn't get a chance to talk too much and he emailed me! Normally he just replies but this time he started an email to me. It was like two lines but still... He apologized for not getting to talk much that day. Today we were talking and then someone came in saying they needed to speak to him privately. I think she's getting annoyed that I'm in there. 

Then a girl at work said she noticed I looked extra cute today... With a wink. I think she was attributing it to a certain person seeing me today. Well Fridays we wear jeans and tshirts and I never feel very cute. Today I feel cute. :)