Daydreams in bloom

I have become that person... That daydreams about gardens. I just moved into my first home last September. I can now plant things IN the ground. At our apartment I got obsessed with container gardening. Now... I can daydream about what to do around my home! I've been having a lot of fun coming up with my latest plan. I just need to wait for my Husband Creature to get a job. 

Husband Creature - Things are going *really* well. I am nervous to relax about it because the LAST time I felt that we were doing really well, he went and left a Lego on her car and reached out to her via email and crushed me. So I'm a little nervous to get so confident that we're going to make it. My Husband Creature says we are... and I want to believe him but 4.5 months into our healing process (in March) he threw a wrench in things and made me question his motives and true desires. That was 4 months ago. I want to make it to 6 months of no contact to truly breath a sigh of relief. 

He told me he saw her driving with her boyfriend one morning recently and he thought she looked trashy, kind of like he saw her when we first met. It gave me hope that his heart really has changed towards her. I still hate that she lives so close to us. But I don't drive by and honestly I don't even remember she does most of the time. 

Husband Creature and I went on a road trip. On the way out of town he said he had an epiphany that morning. That I was better in every way than his Affair. I don't know why but I cried.

Obsession - Lately I've been seeing some hits on my old posts and it makes me curious enough to click on them and honestly sometimes I'm shocked at the things that were said between Obsession and I over the years. Compared to other men in my life, he and I got really close! And I've been *really* struggling not to get ahold of him. I almost called him the other day on his work cell. Then I decided to hold off until today. And then I found out from a person that still works there that he left the office. So I guess I'm just not meant to reach out. There is always something that holds me back. Probably for the best. 

The above was written about a month ago... (June 2026)

I need someplace to type rather than picking up my phone and calling Obsession on his work cell with my work cell. 

7/29/26

So I got to see Obsession today! It was not expected, and almost didn't work out. It was rushed. I wished we had more time to catch up. But he looked the same. He seemed happy to see me. And I asked if I could come back after I did what I came to do and he said "Absolutely!" Then I found out I wasn't even supposed to get in as far as I did. And I couldn't go back in to say goodbye. So I pulled the trigger. I called him on his work cell from my work cell. Apologizing for not getting to say goodbye and that if he wanted to call me back on my work cell we could finish catching up. It's now on him. Will he call me? I really would be surprised if he does. But it would be cool if he did. But now I don't have to wonder ya know? 

7/31/26 

I got in my head about it... I wondered if he used his work phone like I use mine. He probably uses his personal like other friends of mine at my old job. So ... I decided to call his extension... he picked up, first ring... I said it was me, he said can I call you back? I have someone in my office. I said sure. He asked where I was calling from, made sure to get the whole number not just my extension... And ... nothing... *sigh* That was hours ago. I know ... He's busy. But what's my favorite movie for situations like this. "He's Just Not That Into You" If he wanted to call he would. 

So that's my answer. I'm officially done. I have tried in the ways I know how. If he wanted to, he would call. I need to let go. 

Happy Birthday Colorado

Colorado - So it's Colorado's birthday today. I was tempted for a hot second to send him a message and then realized it just isn't worth what it could do to me, my marriage (that's already hanging on by a thread), or just everything... So I'll use my Clandestine blog to say Happy Birthday to you Colorado. I do hope you are well. I wish catching up wouldn't cause so many issues. I think about you often (wondering if you do the same) and wonder how you're doing. Men are different creatures. Do they really think about the women from their past like women do? Or maybe I'm an oddity. I'm reminded that you always taught me that what you think of me is none of my business. I forget that concept sometimes and have to remind myself. Thank you for all you taught me over the years. Even though at times I wanted to just throat punch you because you just didn't understand how devastating it all was for a people pleaser like myself. LOL But you are not someone I should have in my life. So I'll put this out there... Because I won't reach out to you directly. 

Geek Photographer - Looking back recently on some of my older posts. It's hard to remember a time that Geek Photographer and I had such a close relationship. He was unhealthy in a lot of ways and honestly I'm confused now knowing he is gay why he would toy with me as much as he did. He actually called me last week. We haven't talked in years. And I really didn't make an effort to catch up. I felt somewhat bad but then rereading the drama between us and I realize I don't have time for people like that in my life right now. I'm not saying he's drama all the time. But I barely have time for the people in my life, let alone someone that makes me feel less about myself. And I know he's changed. I know our dynamic has changed because I was shocked at the earlier dynamic when I read it. I know he came out to me at one point, but apparently it was later in our friendship when I took a break from blogging. 

Obsession - I've been reading some of my entries about Obsession as well. He is not someone I can reach out to to catch up. Not because I haven't been tempted but the opportunity is just not there. He promoted. I have no idea what his new number is. I can't really email him without making his wife upset. I thought about sending him a calendar invite. Made it all clever too. Giving the title "Strategic Alignment Meeting" and the body wouldn't be so obviously a catch up session. (Thanks to ChatGPT) This is what I came up with. 

I was hoping to reconnect and discuss current projects, recent developments, and potential opportunities for collaboration. This meeting will also provide an opportunity to exchange updates and align on any relevant next steps.

If your schedule does not permit, I completely understand. I recognize that your new role likely comes with increased demands and more limited availability for meetings.

I was close to sending it. But it feels like it would be a mistake. He can be somewhat dense so I could imagine if he agreed to the meeting he'd genuinely think there was some collaborative opportunity and would wonder why I was just chit chatting. But ... If his wife saw my name, saw the invite... It just opens up a whole can of worms. And do I really think it would be wise to start reconnecting with him when my marriage is in such a fragile state. 

But after reading some of my posts. I think it is all God's timing. To make sure I don't have distractions and it probably would have pushed me closer to Obsession rather than being able to solely focus on Husband Creature. 

Growth...

"Growth feels uncomfortable because you are stretching"... 

This image really shows a lot of the key words to how the growth has felt... Some days it feels glacially slow. But I do see some progress. I'm trying to have patience with myself and Husband Creature. And challenges always pop up and get in the way of making me feel the growth. And I'm trying to persevere. I've been feeling a bit more hopeful these days. I stopped taking the road that has me passing the Affair's apartment. That's helped immensely. I didn't realize how much it kept me constantly thinking about how Husband Creature stopped to leave a Lego on her car and wondering what that really meant. Or driving by causing my mind to wander and wonder why he picked her. The comparison struggle. I've also stopped talking to Husband Creature about every thought that pops into my head regarding her or the affair. I failed the first day, but after that, any time a concern, fear or question pops into my head I've given it to God. My counselor said my consuming focus of the affair has me overlooking the progress Husband Creature and I have made and I think she is right. 

Though this morning I woke up thinking about some of my fears. Things that Husband Creature has said, that doesn't make sense and knowing he's been a liar... And my own personal thought process makes so much more logical sense, it's hard not to believe my own interpretation than believe my Husband Creature. My interpretation is that my Husband Creature wanted to see if the Affair was still interested. She clearly wasn't so he was stuck staying with me. *Sigh* I have asked Husband Creature every which way I can and he has not once veered from his original statement. He wasn't trying to rekindle anything with her, he genuinely wanted to find out if that's where she lived and to apologize for how things ended. He said it was about closure. The Lego... The Lego is what confuses me. That seems intimate. Hopeful. My brain can't process it any other way. 

I have also been trying to take Husband Creature's compliments without snide comebacks. I didn't realize how often I snapped back when he would call me beautiful. Or if he says he loves me. I want to snap back that he had a funny way of showing it by having an affair. It's hard. It's hard to believe him. Especially knowing he's lied. But I'm working on trust... Not just trusting him but actually trusting God. Knowing God allowed the truth to come out, no matter how much Husband Creature didn't want it to. I am going to trust that God will reveal things. So far, it's been quiet... 

I've been thinking a lot about Obsession. Today in particular. It's the anniversary of his brother's death. I usually reach out. It's been hard not to. He got the promotion he's been trying for since I met him, so 2017... I'm proud of him! I emailed him once I saw the official announcement, hoping that wasn't going to cause an issue. I was pleasantly surprised he replied. A simple thank you for the support throughout the years. But that was it. I was always one of his biggest cheerleaders. I desperately want to message him on Teams but feel like that's the same as email and he's requested I not do that in honor of his wife's wishes. *sigh* 

Life ... As I know it...

Life as I know it... Is forever changed.  I'm trying to find my way back to living in the present and not in the past hurts. My counselor says I've been consumed and it's blinding me to the progress Husband Creature and I have made. 

I find it interesting that I chose a road to express how I am feeling right now. Currently I'm on a kick of listening to 90s music from my high school days, yesterday I wanted a Dr Pepper fountain drink and a Snickers... And honestly it brings me back when life was simpler... Easier. When my bestie and I would just grab a Big Gulp, Snickers and drive around with the windows down, blaring our music... *Sigh* Maybe I need to go for a drive this weekend... 

My counselor is having me read "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" by Lysa Terkeurst. It's challenging me. It hits so close to home. Sometimes I'm left crying because she is describing the exact emotion that's been so hard to articulate. I feel like I'm not alone. And in those moments, I didn't realize how alone I felt. My mom experienced infidelity from my dad. My best friend experienced it as well. But their experiences were so different than my own. And they can't recall the emotions that I'm currently struggling through. 

Well I need to go. I'm just throwing this out there. Need it off my chest. 

Lost

I'm lost. Husband Creature decided after 4 months to be stupid yet again and reached out to his affair. It didn't help that she moved less than a mile (2 fucking minutes) away! Then to find out Husband Creature reached out to her again. He swears it was to apologize for putting her kids in danger with her boyfriend when he called to apologize to the boyfriend about his part in the affair... But how can I not think it was Husband Creature's way of seeing if the door was still open with her!? He left her a Lego air hockey table on her car... They played air hockey. Why the fuck would he do that if he didn't want her to think fondly of him!?!? Am I a fool for taking him back?! Am I being played for a fool? 

He shared that he came back to me partially because he had no where else to go. I'm broken. I'm not sure how to feel about that. That cuts me to the core. I feel like a fool. Such a fool. It makes me feel so sad. So used. So unloved. So angry. He says he came back because he knew he still loved me, he knew we had history and he didn't want to be without me but he was numb during that time... Broken... That now without a doubt he knows he loves me, that he wants to be with only me. Yet... if that was the case then why did he reach out to his affair knowing it would hurt me. He didn't care. He didn't tell me. It went poorly and *that's* what made him decide he was done!? What if she responded favorably? Would he have ever told me he reconnected with her?! And then to have her be within an easy walking distance. Fuuuuuuck... My heart is heavy. It fills me with so much sadness and RAGE that he would reach out to her knowing it would hurt me and yet he STILL didn't care! After all he's done to me and put me through! He still didn't care what it would do to me! I'm so angry. So hurt. So Sad. So lost. I don't know how to let go of this betrayal. 

Hell Fucking Week

Wednesday February 25 - Fasted and pushed for him to get rid of photos

Thursday February 26 - He told me he would NOT get rid of the photos because he just didn't want to

Friday February 27 - He was an ASSHOLE! Just rude, snippy, aggressive ALL day! We fought. I cried on his chest and he told me to please get off of him. 2:30 am I leave the room telling him HE'S the one with the issue NOT me. I was so angry I wanted to scream so I grabbed my purse, got in my car and drove and screamed, cried, yelled at God. Husband Creature texted me to find out where I went and told me he had come to the living room to bring me back to bed. Told me to be safe. I ended up at the spot where he accepted Jesus into his heart. Cried and screamed so hard I tasted blood (ended up losing my voice). I stayed out for over an hour, listening to worship music and crying out to God. Got home and Husband Creature was gentle and loving and wanted to make things right. 

Saturday February 28 - Had a great day

Sunday March 1st - Husband Creature tells me he *thinks* he knows where "P" lives, and tells me why he thinks so. I confirm with Zillow listing photos of the assumed location and photos she posted getting her keys. She's literally 0.8 miles away from us on a main road we travel EVERY.FUCKING.DAY! 

Monday March 2nd - I find out from a mutual friend that Husband Creature had reached out to "P" on Friday and they had multiple emails back and forth (the day he was a COMPLETE asshole!). I confronted him on the phone, he swore he meant to tell me but our busy weekend he never had the right moment. Later that evening I confirmed he lied earlier in the day about leaving a Lego on her car earlier in the week, he had and STILL at this moment can't tell me WHY he did it (he can't remember what day it was either). Cried, yelled, squawked with no voice. He asked me to come home to talk. I left work on a personal day. He apologized, asked forgiveness, asked me to pray for him in that moment and ended the prayer he asked God to forgive him. He agreed to give me a USB of all photos he had of her/them and I smashed it with a hammer. He tells me he will NEVER reach out to her again unless he talks to me and I agree it's ok in the future. He swears he loves me and this apparently showed him he still had a sliver that needed to be removed. That he got the closure he needed. Though now this sets me back a good couple of months of repair because of all the lies and deceit and doing something he told me he wouldn't do. My heart hurts.  

Thursday - 3/5/26 - Fasting... Struggling... Angry... See above... 

One thing I will say is through all of this... God has shown me how he has orchestrated this week. I don't know how I would have handled the news if I hadn't fully melted down on Friday night. I was shown the lies. I mean FULL ON lies. I was able to approach Husband Creature and explain why his statements didn't make sense and I would find out more. It was painful but I'm grateful God didn't stop us from getting it all out in the open. 

And knowing God has revealed things to me... I was walking and suddenly it hit me, maybe Obsession's wife gave him an actual order never to return my calls. I know it sounds silly but it's possible. And the idea came out of nowhere so I think it could be possible. Somehow it makes me feel better. 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

I'm starting the year with a new perspective. There were a few months of 2025 that sucked ass... My Husband Creature and I almost didn't make it. We're still recovering. Going to counseling. But I think we're on our way to restoration. 

He had an emotional affair (nothing like my infatuation with Obsession, he had a full blown emotional affair)... I'm not sure I want to go into the details just yet. It's still too raw.

But one thing I will say is God gave me the strength to make it through even though it was THE toughest season of my life (thus far)... I'm 48 years old and have been married for 13 years, together for 15. I have never experienced so much emotional pain. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't journal. My brain was unable to put two cohesive thoughts together. I cried. I spent a lot of time just listening to worship music. Crying, praying and asking God to bring my Husband Creature back to me. 

Now... My Husband Creature *is* back to me. We are doing fairly well considering. He's opened his eyes to his stupidity. He is remorseful and apologetic. He is doing everything in his power to put the pieces back together. We've had to makeshift some of the shattered pieces while the wounds are healing. 

It's an odd thing... I have some people that consider me taking him back as an act of strength. I've also had friends ask me what's wrong with me for being willing to accept him back. Honestly, either way would have been hard. If I had gone through with the divorce (yes, it got to the point where I paid the retainer for a lawyer and got the paperwork ready), it would have been a different kind of hard. Staying together... is hard. The pain, the hurt, the insecurities.... It's a lot. But I also know God wants restoration. God wants marriages to stay committed. The enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy. I had every right, biblically, to walk away from my marriage. And I told my Husband Creature, I can live without him... I just didn't want to. That's not my desire. 

When my Husband Creature was knee deep in his... sin... I did start to think about starting over, the freedom I would have. I thought about reconnecting with Colorado. I thought about how Obsession's wife must have felt with our connection. I thought about dating again. There was a brief moment I thought it would be easier to walk away. But every time I prayed I felt God tell me... You're in this for the "Long Haul"... Before I even realized it was an emotional affair. I knew something broke in my Husband Creature. I felt it was God's way of stating that He wanted me to give Husband Creature a chance. And I did have stipulations for my Husband Creature. I did share that if he decided to be stupid again, that was it, I wouldn't take him back. That this was it. That he had to be sure he really wanted me. And if he wasn't sure... walk away and when he was sure, then come back and see if I'm still available. He said he knew my value, that he didn't want to let me go. That he felt foolish and dumb and wished it never happened. 

I know my value. I know I'm worth more than what he did to me and our marriage vows. I know that I'm a catch. I know there are guys out there that would consider themselves lucky to have me. I know... Without hesitation that I have more value than the thing that attached itself to my Husband Creature for a couple of months. She proved her character or lack thereof. Disturbingly that also means my Husband Creature has shown his character as well. But he is at least apologetic and remorseful for what he's done. He is doing everything I need him to, to repair our marriage. And even as painful as it was, Husband Creature told me the truth... Always. She, on the other hand, lied to my face numerous times even after I confronted her with the truth! 

Though it was interesting to share with Husband Creature that I felt like I could move on, that I would be ok without him. Part of me wonders if that's our problem. I'm not needy enough. He tends to feel drawn to women that are broken and befriends them. It's been an issue throughout our marriage. Someone gave him the title "Captain Save-A-Hoe" and I literally had to burst out laughing. It's truly fitting. All of the women he tends to try to "save" even throughout our marriage. He finds broken women and always wants to offer to help them. Most were innocent enough, but there were moments I would get insecure and he'd shine me on. Now... He pays attention. 

As far as Obsession... We haven't had much luck connecting. We spoke for a hot second before the holidays and he found out I was giving my Husband Creature another chance. He said he had been wondering. (I had told him when I wasn't sure if we were going to make it. We had a long conversation at that time.) This time, I didn't even get to explain how or why before he had to rush off. I'm reminded of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". I know Obsession isn't *into* me. But sometimes I feel like our friendship has faded to nothing. I almost feel like I'm annoying him. Though at times he mentions he thinks about me and is too busy to call me back. That's when I go to the movie... If he wanted to he would make an effort to call me back. He's better in person. I miss him. Our talks. How he made me feel interesting and engaging. Looking back, if Obsession had ever reciprocated my feelings, who's to say I wouldn't be the one stating that I had an emotional affair. Maybe that's why I'm more willing to forgive. I know how easy it is to get entangled in your feelings. 

The above was originally written January 8th, 2026. 

So as of right now, I left a voicemail for Obsession yesterday that basically said, I'm not sure if you're super busy or I'm just not getting the hint but I hoped he was doing well... No call back. So I'm going to take that as my sign NOT to reach out anymore. I'm sad. But it will be for the best. It's clear he's just not interested in maintaining a friendship. Or just too busy to reach out. Either way, I know at one point he had hoped to keep up the friendship. When I called him to say goodbye he said I had his number and to stay in touch. But how many voicemails can I leave unanswered and feel like I'm becoming an annoyance? I don't feel I'm over-reacting either. In the matter of a couple of months I've left a few messages, none of them have been returned. The last time one was returned was prior to his birthday which was in October. I called him and he picked up and that was when we spoke for less than 1 minute before he had to hop off. It was also when I told him I was working on my marriage. Not sure if that made him uncomfortable or what. He said he would call back and hasn't since. *Sigh* So moving on... 

Husband Creature

The last three weeks have been rough for my Husband Creature and I. Honestly it's caused a damper to all the amazing things going on in our lives. My hope and joy is diminished because he and I are not doing well. In fact, oddly I've wanted to avoid speaking to Obsession. Like it's opened my eyes to the fragility of marriage. Husband Creature is NOT doing well. For a while I thought it was me/us. I think with all the stress we have in our lives right now. He just doesn't have the coping skills. 

I've been struggling... Like *really* struggling. It's been so hard to be around a man who tells you that he "thinks" he loves you and "would be sad if you weren't around"... He finally stated that he loves me but isn't sure about the "in love" part. I had to remind him that love is a decision not a feeling. 

But damn... Writing it sucks. These last few weeks I've been desperate, fearful, anxious, emotional, heart-broken. But in all honesty... I think my desperation is that I want it fixed. I didn't realize it was a long term healing process. I thought we could recover quickly and got so thrown by every-other-day being a different issue or it steadily growing worse! 

I think last night I finally accepted the situation... THE WHOLE SITUATION! That I may have to live in a loveless marriage until my Husband Creature figures out what it is he needs to figure out. I didn't want to step into this new season of our lives, one that should be filled with happiness and gratitude, but rather filled with uncertainty and a lack of joy. I fought it! With everything in me. I mourned it. And after 3 weeks... I think I finally let go of it... With the help of God. I have cried out to Him off an on for the last 3 weeks. Telling Him I just couldn't do it anymore... I've been mourning "us" and wishing, hoping and expecting we'd just go back to normal. But something broke in Husband Creature. He is not the same person I've known for the last 15 years. Something broke in him. It scared the shit out of me.

But then I realized... I can't force him to do anything. I mean "duh" right? But I was desperately *WILLING* him to snap out of it and every day that he wouldn't I was even more desperate. He says he's not happy. With life or anything or anyone. Including myself and our Stinker Creature. 

I believe he officially broke sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. Possibly sooner. I mean we've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. I think he was holding on by a thread and so was I with all the stress we've been under. But I think the part in my Husband Creature that kept him loving... just broke. And I still don't know what was the triggering force. And it's crazy to think it's only Friday. I should be willing to give him more time. But I've had my own fears and concerns at what I think was the warning signs. I misread them to be because of another woman. Now I think I was just fearful because I felt him pull away. I felt the distance and assumed it must be because of another woman. 

It's been tough. But this week I've spent a lot of ups and downs... Crying... reading the Bible... Venting to people... Venting to Husband Creature... It wasn't until last night that I realized this isn't going away overnight. It may not go away before we move into our beautiful new home... And I was upset... Angry... That I wouldn't be able to go into our new home, hand-in-hand with the love of my life... My heart broke. I cried and cried in the shower. Telling God I couldn't keep doing this, I couldn't handle it... and He said He could...

In all honesty, we still have a couple of weeks. So much has changed day by day. It just feels like AGES! It feels like where he's at will never change. But I've spent the majority of the day in God's presence. Listening to worship music, listening to The Power of a Praying Wife, listening to prayers on Youtube, reading scriptures, encouraging biblical clips... Anything to keep my mind on God and all that HE can do, and not on my circumstances. I need to be prepared that Husband Creature may take longer than I would like to come around. And who knows, God can do miracles. But I just need to accept it rather than fight it and be miserable in the process. I need to learn how to love my Husband Creature even though he's acting unloving towards me. I need to protect my heart but not close myself off to him. It's tough to balance that. And when I'm not around my Husband Creature its so much easier but when I see him after work today and the extended weekend... Ugh... I'm scared. But with God, who gives me strength... All things are possible. I can do it. I will just need to shut up and pray for the most of the weekend. I feel confident now. Let's see how I do... 

I fasted dinner last night, I fasted lunch and I'm going to try to do a 24 hour fast. I have to eat for my meds in the morning but I can skip lunch and dinner and not eat until tomorrow morning. And I may do it at least once-a-week until this situation is resolved. And in God's presence I have found joy again. Peace. Confidence in who I am as his Wife Creature. It's amazing how different I feel today from this whole week. I want to stay in His peace. Lord give me strength.