Growth...

"Growth feels uncomfortable because you are stretching"... 

This image really shows a lot of the key words to how the growth has felt... Some days it feels glacially slow. But I do see some progress. I'm trying to have patience with myself and Husband Creature. And challenges always pop up and get in the way of making me feel the growth. And I'm trying to persevere. I've been feeling a bit more hopeful these days. I stopped taking the road that has me passing the Affair's apartment. That's helped immensely. I didn't realize how much it kept me constantly thinking about how Husband Creature stopped to leave a Lego on her car and wondering what that really meant. Or driving by causing my mind to wander and wonder why he picked her. The comparison struggle. I've also stopped talking to Husband Creature about every thought that pops into my head regarding her or the affair. I failed the first day, but after that, any time a concern, fear or question pops into my head I've given it to God. My counselor said my consuming focus of the affair has me overlooking the progress Husband Creature and I have made and I think she is right. 

Though this morning I woke up thinking about some of my fears. Things that Husband Creature has said, that doesn't make sense and knowing he's been a liar... And my own personal thought process makes so much more logical sense, it's hard not to believe my own interpretation than believe my Husband Creature. My interpretation is that my Husband Creature wanted to see if the Affair was still interested. She clearly wasn't so he was stuck staying with me. *Sigh* I have asked Husband Creature every which way I can and he has not once veered from his original statement. He wasn't trying to rekindle anything with her, he genuinely wanted to find out if that's where she lived and to apologize for how things ended. He said it was about closure. The Lego... The Lego is what confuses me. That seems intimate. Hopeful. My brain can't process it any other way. 

I have also been trying to take Husband Creature's compliments without snide comebacks. I didn't realize how often I snapped back when he would call me beautiful. Or if he says he loves me. I want to snap back that he had a funny way of showing it by having an affair. It's hard. It's hard to believe him. Especially knowing he's lied. But I'm working on trust... Not just trusting him but actually trusting God. Knowing God allowed the truth to come out, no matter how much Husband Creature didn't want it to. I am going to trust that God will reveal things. So far, it's been quiet... 

I've been thinking a lot about Obsession. Today in particular. It's the anniversary of his brother's death. I usually reach out. It's been hard not to. He got the promotion he's been trying for since I met him, so 2017... I'm proud of him! I emailed him once I saw the official announcement, hoping that wasn't going to cause an issue. I was pleasantly surprised he replied. A simple thank you for the support throughout the years. But that was it. I was always one of his biggest cheerleaders. I desperately want to message him on Teams but feel like that's the same as email and he's requested I not do that in honor of his wife's wishes. *sigh*