I'm not always going to be profound

There are moments when I wonder how my life would be if I had made different choices. Would I be married, with kids, watching over the household affairs? Well even if my friends all around me are married or getting married, I don't know that I've ever been quite ready for that part of life. I fear getting so old that I won't be able to enjoy that life. And the family always tells me, the right one will come along before you know it. But what if the right one was right there? Well even I know that wasn't the case. I know God spoke to me about how he wasn't the right one. It's part of the reason we broke up. Part of the reason? Ok so the whole reason. Something hit me one night, why am I not waiting for a man that is the spiritual leader of a home? Why am I settling for someone that's not quite sure how he feels about giving his life to Jesus and pronouncing him as his Lord and Savior? I remember after my first serious relationship and how there was a moment when I was riding in a car and just enjoying the view and it hit me that some day... I would fall in love again... Well right now I'm at the stage right before that day... I'm still in love with my ex and haven't gotten to the point of knowing I was no longer in love and would be in love someday in the future.

I know God is a God of love, so will he forgive me that I chose a man that did not make the decision to walk after God? Sometimes I think I fret so much about the sins in my life but all God just really wants from me is to go to him. Nothing more... But to just go to Him and not worry so much about life, love and where my walk is. I know I'm a sinner and saved by grace. I can't compare myself to others and say well look at what they did from what I've done, my life is better or worse then theirs!

I feel like such a hypocrit sometimes. Being a Christian and not living the life that I know that Jesus requires of me. Being a Christian and having a life not much different then someone else who doesn't even know what being a Christian is all about. Having given my purity to my last boyfriend, I don't feel set apart from anyone else. I took pride in being able to save myself from a very tempting sin. It just so happened I hadn't been with someone that I truly sexually desired in that way. I haven't had the self control that I should have been able to show. Sex is wonderful and God made it to be between a husband and a wife and not just a man and a woman. And of course growing up I was always told to save myself for my husband. Now I understand why. :-\ Unfortunately, now knowing this doesn't help the fact that I now don't have my virginity to offer my future husband. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was caught up in the moment of desire and lust. I felt completely open and free and I wanted it even though maybe a little part of me knew it was wrong, the desire overtook me. Now I know how everyone else felt.

Well I must sleep...