Official

btw... I love my new theme for my blog! :D

So it's official. Boyfriend-like Creature is now officially Boyfriend Creature minus the like. And one possibly moving into the Husband Creature April 28, 2012 if all goes well! He hasn't officially proposed but we both know we're MFEO (Made For Each Other)! LOL! Yeah ok, silly. He's pretty fantastic. It's hard to fathom that this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But though its surprising it doesn't freak me out. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's the one. My mom always told me I would just know, and well I never understood what she meant and it's hard to explain how I know... I just... do.

Latin Lover and I have been chatting more at work the last couple of days. Nothing serious just casual chit chat. He seems to be more open to the idea of chatting than talking face to face and that's ok with me. Though tonight if I didn't know any better he was throwing it out there that he didn't have anything to do tonight. In the past I would have jumped on that and offered to hang out or go shopping with him. It's different having Boyfriend Creature in my life. I no longer want to be around Latin Lover in an innapropriate way. I'm not even talking sexually, but just being alone.

New Beginnings

I really wish I had more time to write. Life is chaos especially with the holidays. But I find today I'm having a hard time focusing. I really want to get some things off my chest. Writing in my journal doesn't seem like enough somehow. Or maybe because I'm at work it looks more obvious that I'm not working? Or maybe my fear is someone will actually read this entry in my journal and know it's me.

I'm seeing someone. He's a really amazing guy. I would say we started talking in late October but met mid-September. Sometimes I wonder if things with Latin Lover had to end so I could be open to the idea of this guy. Yet, even now, having fallen for Boyfriend-like Creature as I call him, I'm still drawn to Latin Lover. I guess there was more of a connection between us than either of us realized.

Latin Lover and I didn't talk for a good couple of months. But we finally had a breakthrough conversation November 17, and yet two months later he still barely even acknowledges my existence. I'm not quite sure what his issue is. The talk went really well! I found out that everything I've been feeling was true. He cares a lot about me and that the distance was really hard on him.

With all the talk and how things have so slowly progressed I feel like there must still be too much between us. I can tell because I get nervous when I think about him knowing about Boyfriend-like Creature. It took me forever to let Boyfriend-like Creature stop by my work where people could see him. One: because Latin Lover hated me bringing in people to the office. Two: Because I didn't want my Boyfriend-like Creature meeting Latin Lover. That in itself makes me wonder if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Last night as Boyfriend-like Creature and I were shopping he told me he thinks he saw Latin Lover. My heart stopped... He told me it was when he stopped by my work. He saw Latin Lover watch us through the reflection. I felt sad. Worried about what Latin Lover felt.

This is where my heart isn't sure what to feel. I desperately want to talk to Latin Lover and part of me doesn't know how wise that is. He treated me like I was the plague earlier this week and sometimes I wonder what I do to push him away. Part of me wonders if his feelings get more intense so he pushes harder. I invited him to the play I'm putting on tonight, a couple weeks ago I told him how much I'd appreciate him coming and he said he would try, yet with how he's treated me this week he won't show up. If he does, I would seriously faint! I have decided if he doesn't show up and is at the office when I get done I will stop by. Ok so the decision isn't made but I'm mulling it over.

Anyways going back to him treating me like the plague, it really got to me, to the point that it ruined my day. This concerns me. I've always been a people pleaser, part of me feels like I can explain it away with that. But, for obvious reasons, Latin Lover affects me in a deeper way. And this bothers me, especially since Boyfriend-like Creature is now in my life.

So lets focus on the positive aspect of Boyfriend-like Creature. He's amazingly sweet, caring, giving and all that usually makes me gag about romance. He's a romantic to such an extreme that sometimes I find myself annoyed or thinking he's gotta be fake! Yet, he's gone to my church for 5 or so weeks even though I'm not in the service and busy with play practice. He's shown spiritual growth on his own without any prodding from me. He gave his life to Christ December 12th. I asked my parents if they had any concerns and specifically requested to have their blessing before pursuing an official relationship with Boyfriend-like Creature. I've gotten their approval to move forward but not an official green-light but more like a yellow-light. It's odd to move forward with a relationship seeking my parents approval being 33 years old but considering how many times I've screwed up and this isn't a light decision I wanted their blessing.

I have all but to make it official. I planned on doing something cute on Christmas Eve but he's been pressuring me to do that to the point that I got frustrated about him pressuring me into doing what I already had planned that it made me not want to do it that way... I'm still frustrated. Even last night and today I'm still annoyed with the fact that he kept pushing and pushing and it made the surprise no longer fun or exciting. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait for another plan. Because right now it doesn't feel right to make it a Christmas present. Part of me wonders if I'm being a spoiled brat not to want to do what I was planning just because he keeps suggesting it without knowing it was part of my plan.

When I'm with him I get lost in my emotions for him. I really do care about him. Even love him. But his speed almost scares me. He was fighting telling me he loved me within weeks of us showing a mutual attraction. I think I'm going to surprise him Thursday and ask him to be my actual boyfriend. I wanted to do something silly like have a gift tag on me that says "Would you be my boyfriend?" With checkboxes for Yes and No... But knowing his playfulness he's select "no" which for some reason would bug me. Or maybe I should just ask him outright. I'm already on edge about taking this step. I'm apparently scared to death of commitment! Who knew? I guess thats why I always go after the unavailable men.

I wish I felt better about things.

Time Flies

It's hard to believe July was my last post. But I guess looking it appears my post was late July and it's early September.

I just had a birthday last weekend. I'm 33 years old. I'm not sure if I have shared my age on this blog. I'm currently working so this post will probably be put off here momentarily. I'm waiting on someone to fix something so I can continue my work. It's hard to reflect on the last year of my life. So much has changed, I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, been hurt a lot, cried a lot, bettered myself in a lot of ways. So I can't look back at a year of my life with any form of regret. I'm genuinely happy.

Work beckons me...

Well the above was written on 9/9/10 and even more changed the very next day. Its surprising how quickly and drastically things change. The week after my birthday was such a wonderful one with Latin Lover and me on a purely friendship level! He wrote me a birthday song and later the next week we spent time recording music, and just having a genuinely good time hanging out.

The quick and abrupt change occurred September 10th. It's almost been 2 whole months since Latin Lover decided to no longer talk to me. He went on his trip out of the country and right before he did I confronted him and he told me he couldn't figure out where I fit into his life so he was giving up up, he was done trying. That was September 15th. I didn't understand the seriousness of his statement until I saw he deleted me from his friends on Facebook and blocked me on Skype a few days into his trip. I had no idea that when he returned from his trip, he would continue to ignore me unless he *had* to interact with me for work related purposes.

In all honesty, it was overwhelmingly devastating. I'm writing about it almost 2 months later so my mood about it has subsided. I get sad, but the first month I was beyond depressed. I was overwhelmed with the grief. Here was someone I valued above all in the office and to some degree outside the office and he threw my friendship away with vengeance. It stung like hell and was a continually reopened sore every time I went into work and saw how kind he was to the others. And that he could't even make eye contact with me and when he did, felt like he was willing blades to pierce through my heart. The cruelty was horrific. Little stabs here and there, seeing him go out of his way to shove me out of every area of his life was very hard for me.

(sigh) Yes, the wounds have not yet healed. I've slowly come around though. Slowly come to realize that this is how he felt he needed to handle the situation. I realize now that it was an unhealthy relationship/friendship. Especially with how painful it was to have him throw it away and how emotional I was about it, meant that it meant much more to me then I should have let it.

Though what's the saying, "out of ashes..." I've learned a lot about myself. It's been an amazing journey, very emotional, I had some very low points in the first month of the cut. But in the last month I've slowly been able to turn around. Accept the reality of the situation. Understand that though I disagree with his way of handling the situation I have to respect that it was what he thought he needed to do. Knowing how hurt I was when he did it, made me realize my feelings went deeper then just friendship so it was for the best. He proposed to his gf and I genuinely hope he's happy. I still hope that someday we'll be able to be more than we are, but I don't ever expect to be anywhere like we were and that's a good thing. I'd settle for even a fake friendship which is what I know he has with everyone at the office. I am even lower then that to him right now and that hurts. And sadly I have to admit it's a blow to my pride, I wonder I wonder how could someone throw my friendship away like that? But I've grown so much from this situation.

Anyways, that's all I have time to share for now. I'll do my best to update soon.

A New Leaf

Not sure what to feel or say right now. Not sure if I should even share. So much in my life has changed since my last post. I spiraled out of control there for a while. I felt seriously disturbed. I know I really should share all the things that happened in the last couple of months but honestly, it's the past... I'm moving on and hopefully to better days.

I became really self destructive, especially to my emotional well being. I became so wrapped up in drinking and having sex and not realizing how damaging it was to my self esteem. I would have thought that I was doing better because here I was getting these guys to show me attention that I thought were out of my league, shouldn't that make me feel better about myself? Yeah no, not when the sex was meaningless.

I am sometimes really disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up for my behavior. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. Sadly the wrong way. The painful way. My heart has been broken. Not shattered, maybe just a new crack here and there. But we all know those little cracks add up... My heart got involved with both The Drummer and Latin Lover. I read a book recently that labeled it an unhealthy soul-tie.... You attach yourself to someone that you should never attach yourself to. I gave my heart so surprisingly to Latin Lover which was especially odd because I never felt fully safe with him. How did I ever let my heart go that far?

Guess it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm on the mend and trying to stay out of trouble. The odd thing is I'm sitting here on the beanbag in the middle of the room at the office, while he's working at his desk. Yes, Latin Lover and I are hanging out tonight. I'm not sure how to feel about our friendship. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy but I think because we work together, it's what I need to make it through it I guess. I'm not sure. We'll see what the next two months bring. He is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 8 years. So more power to him.

I just know there is someone out there... Someone that will love me for me. My laughing too much, my insecurities, me on my good days and me on my bad days. Someone will want to spend every waking minute with me. Someday... Someone out there will love me. And I don't mean that to sound sad. It's actually very hopeful. I am genuinely content and looking forward to when that person (whoever, wherever he is) comes into my life.

For now I'm going to keep myself out of trouble and continue to grow as a person. I've done a lot of personal reflection in the last couple of months. I've been disturbed by my own behavior and I knew there was something wrong about it... Now that I'm on the right path I can hold my head up higher. It's a good feeling.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I post again. But for now... Goodnight.

Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends

What is it about U2 that makes you thoughtful? I don't know. I just got back from my walk. The moon is very beautiful right now, so are the clouds, beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow as the sun is setting with a twilight sky. (Sigh) I'm very sad right now. I spent the bulk of my walk crying bawling. I really need to stop breaking down on my walks because I'll start avoiding them. I'm not sure what happens on my walks, maybe it's because all I have with me are my thoughts. I broke down nearly halfway through my walk and couldn't stop till I was almost home. I'm very sad and lonely. Maybe heartbroken is the best word to describe it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making the effort. I feel sometimes so desperate to be peoples friend that I do everything I can to make that person want to be my friend back only to be disappointed and let down.

Latin Lover says that he chants "Fuck friends, fuck friends, fuck friends"... I'm inclined to agree with him. And would even be including him in my list of friends I'm saying that about. But as I stumbled down the street crying so hard I could barely see and hoping nobody would see me, I thought “Everyone lets us down, the only person that won't is God”. Of course, in that moment a wave of guilt washes over me and I started crying even harder. My relationship with God is so distant. Yet, I know the only thing I need to do is seek Him but I'm so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now I have no idea how to even go to Him. It's horrible to think I don't have the time for God. But if I'm honest, that's the truth. I keep thinking of that “Footprints in the Sand” poem. I know that’s the situation right now, God is carrying me through this time. Yet I feel so alone.

Why is it that sometimes you just need that tangible person, someone who will hold you and tell you that you're ok, faults and all? God can do the same thing. I've experienced it quite a few times. But right now I'm selfish. I want that physical person. I want to feel loved, cared for, desired, and accepted as I am.

I'm so drained right now. I partially think I'll just crash early tonight. Another issue I've been dealing with is lack of a good night’s sleep. Once I got past my brother's emergency wakeup calls at 3:30 in the morning, I just kept thinking too much, having nightmares, and waking up before my alarm by hours for no reason. Then when my alarm would go off I've slept through it a couple times!

The last time I broke down on my walk I realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be but that I needed to stop running from who I am. Tonight as I walked along crying I honestly thought, "Ok, so I've come to grips with who I am and have decided to accept myself as I am, will anyone else?" Yes, I'm talking about a relationship.

I've been recently interested/involved (at various levels) with 3 different guys, each in their own right, good men. All seem unavoidably unavailable! What's with me and unavailable men? the Drummer is not the kind of guy I should be involved with. Latin Lover, well there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with him. Yet I feel the most desperate to be near him and get to know him. The Setup is in every way the perfect fit for me. He's a great guy, shares my beliefs, we have a great time when we hang out, yet I can't avoid the feeling he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I don't know how many times I've written him off only to hear from him asking if I want to go out again. I always say yes, with a twist of hope and the time together is always great... Then I don't hear from him in forever.

(Sigh) I'm just so tired of feeling unwanted, undesirable and uncared for, especially the feeling of not being worth the effort. In both friendship and relationships, but right now I’m referring specifically to relationships! I'm tired of one superficial relationship after another. The last serious relationship I had was when I was with Ex and how many years ago was that!? For a time I really did enjoy the casual dating scene. I've gained a lot of confidence in areas where I didn't have ANY. Yet, when will someone feel the desire to be with me, flaws and all, for better or worse?

I'm drained, so I know my emotional outlook isn't very healthy. But I just need to express it... Get it off my chest, in hopes that I will be able to let it go. Blah! U2 - Achtung Baby playing on my ipod as a sad soundtrack to this moment in my life. Love is Blindness... How appropriate... (Sigh) I think I’m done ranting for the moment. I’m hesitant to post this on my public blog. I’ve considered posting it to my anonymous blog. Not sure why I’m doing this but here goes; another very real blog entry.

I think I need counseling

So... I'm not sure where to go with all this. I'm wondering if I need some counseling. I'm not sure why I'm in this self destructive mode. Honestly I'm not sure how self destructive it is. In fact I'm quite confused about things right now. I think that's why I feel the need to talk to someone, someone not in my life, someone who won't be so shocked by my behavior or impacted by my behavior. Someone who can give me an objective view of my actions and what could be going on deeper inside to make sense of it all.

The thing is, my sexual lifestyle has dramatically changed in the last 6 months! I mean drastically! And surprisingly it's exactly the 6 month mark. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe this means I'm done. Hopefully I got it out of my system and I won't feel like such a slut.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've never been one to sleep around, yet I've also never had the opportunities like I do now. I guess I should share what I'm talking about before you think I've slept with a different guy every day of the week. The thing is, I haven't! In fact, my list of sex partners now reaches 5 and this bothers me greatly because two were added within the last couple of months. By normal standards this isn't shocking, but for me it is.

So we all know my first partner was my Ex. He and I were in a relationship for months before I decided to go forward with losing my virginity. That was back when I was 24. I'm now 32. Wow I've never talked about my First Boyfriend on this thing!? Either way, my first ever boyfriend and I did everything but intercourse so if you wanted to argue he was a partner then fine the list goes up to 6. Then I screwed up and slept with Burbank back in 2007. It was a long time before I had sex again. Well over a year!

It was with the Drummer back in October of 2009. As I've made it clear, he and I tried to be good but we kept going. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with The Actor in late February of this year, 2010. Here's where my behavior gets weird.... I slept with The Actor not thinking anything was going to happen with the Drummer ever again. The Drummer and I had been avoiding each other ever since he treated me like crap on his birthday.

So March 26th I hung out with the Actor again when he came down for a movie he was the lead in. I told him we weren't going to have sex and if he didn't want to hang out then I'd be ok with that. He still came over, but I could tell he was pissed. We slept in the same bed and I found it difficult not to go for it... And sure enough in the morning I said screw it, and went for it. It was miserable. We never even kissed it wasn't even satisfying. Blah... So I was disappointed in myself, and felt gross.

That day I get a text from my bossom buddy who reminded me I was supposed to go to a show with her that night and that our designated driver was The Drummer!!! I totally spaced this show. Well it was a fantastic night. The Drummer was all sorts of adorable and attentive with me. And I got plastered! We joked around and made plans to have sex that night. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I had slept with someone just that morning. By the time we got back to The Drummer's place, it hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd had sex with another man!

This concept seemed so foreign to me that I thought it would never happen to me! I was shocked! But The Drummer means so much more to me, and the sex is just so fantastic it's hard not to do it when I have the chance. Before you think I'm a cheap whore, you may be glad to know I talked to the Drummer about how he treated me on his birthday before we had sex. Sure enough he felt really bad, he hadn't remembered what he said. The night was incredible, intense as usual and very intimate. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night to go at it again. It was rough and intense and he even bit on my neck so hard I got a bruise that lasted a week! It was awesome!

I woke up and went to church and realized the concept of sleeping with two men in less then 24 hours was not a good thing. That I had a serious problem. The idea of sleeping with the Actor again was just silly. There's no chance of that happening again. In fact, I really don't ever expect to hang out with him when he comes down again.

So The Setup at this point has been really confusing. I got a text from The Setup like Saturday when I was visiting my brother in the hospital and he wants to get together soon, we've set tentative plans for Sunday but I'm definitely not holding my breath!

I don't regret sleeping with The Drummer. He and I truly care about each other. The Actor is a horrible partner and well he doesn't even care about me nor do I care about him!

Since the 27th though I have found out The Drummer is now seeing someone. He wouldn't sleep with me at the last show and that's when I found out. I walked into the garage where he was talking to her. I felt completely uncomfortable. I told him so, and he admitted to being uncomfortable about hearing about The Setup at the St Patty's Day show I was at.

It was sweet. He talked about how much he cared about me, when I said we both knew it could never turn into a relationship he corrected me and said it could have, but that it wasn't probably going to be till death do us part. That if he were able to join my church then that's all it would need to work, but that he didn't think he could do that but if he could, we'd get married and my brother would just have to be ok with that. I was really surprised by this admittance but one thing I will say about The Drummer is that he does care about me. No matter what these other guys make me feel. The Drummer really does make me feel loved and cared for... Even if it's dysfunctional.

So... I've been living life. Not thinking about anyone or anything. Not worried about a relationship, or the concept of sleeping with someone or how long it will be before I will find someone. I've just been happy. Dealing with school, my brothes illness and work!

Burbank came up this week to get some stuff out of my garage. He kind of hinted that he wanted to fool around but I wasn't having any of it.

So I went up to San Francisco for work Sunday - Wednesday. I guess I should give some background to this new guy. He's my coworker, and one of my friends labeled him for me as: Latin Lover, so that's his nickname.

Either way I got this job back in February, I immediately noticed him and was immediately intimidated by him. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to start getting to know him. We moved to a new office shortly after I was hired and it was there that we found our musical tastes match! It was our starting point. I was immediately drawn to him. He's very good looking. I wanted to get to know him better but wasn't sure how. He was fairly quiet and reserved.

As time went on Latin Lover and I got to know each other more. He played me one of his songs, he plays the guitar and sings and I seriously told my friend after leaving that night that I got weak in the knees and told her I was in trouble. That was the point that I realized I really liked him and that I would have to keep a level head not to let the crush get out of control.

Back to my San Francisco trip. We all go, our entire office. Latin Lover and another guy flew along with the boss, and me and two of my other coworkers drove up. We all stayed at the same hotel but we were all on different floors.

Either way the first night it seemed like Latin Lover wanted to hang out with me. He'd been drinking. And the sexual tension was definitely there. At one point we went out for alcohol and our coworkers I think wondered what was really going on. Like they didn't really think we'd come back.

*** The above was written in late April sometime, it's now May 29th, 2010***

So lets sum up this story. Basically I noticed sexual tension between me and Latin Lover the first night there but honestly thought nothing of it. Then the next night I found out I wasn't going to see him and was actually kinda bummed, but made the best of the night and went out with my boss and another coworker. Turns out Latin Lover ended up at the same party. I was already drinking heavily and became extremely touchy feely with him. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to like it and became affectionate as well. I realized I was in trouble so I decided I needed to walk back to the hotel but he didn't want me to walk by myself and also didn't want to leave the party because our other coworker was having such a fun time. Latin Lover was so sweet, he helped me find a seat and sat with me for a bit. I started to sober up.

We walked back to the hotel when the party started to die down. I got back to my room and sure enough he got online and we started chatting. I noticed he seemed to make an excuse to come to my room, which was because I needed water and hadn't gotten any and I would need it to help with the hangover. So because he "cared" he was bringing me some. He comes to my room, I feel awkward because I'm in pjs, no makeup and trying desperately to be a good girl. He leaves and I take a BIG sigh of relief.

Then we get back online together chatting it up and then I make the silly choice to let him know I was proud of myself for being good. He asked me howso and when I told him that I didn't attack him like I wanted to he asked why not, I told him I didn't want to embarrass myself or make him have to push me away, jokingly. He then tells me he forgot something and before I knew it he was back at my door knocking.

My mouth dropped open, my heart was pounding, he stood to the side of the door when I looked out but when I opened the door he came in, the door shut loudly and I was embarrassed by that and when I leaned back he came forward and I remember saying something about being bad, he said that I was being bad as he grabbed my face and started kissing me. It was intense and I was in shock the entire time. I couldn't believe it was happening.

We went all the way. I felt uncomfortable as soon as I realized what we'd done. He was a coworker, he had a girlfriend. Two VERY big reasons why I should have kept myself from letting this happen. I felt a little cheap too. He wanted to get up right away and leave. I realize he had his own guilt to work through. When I asked about awkwardness he said we were both adults and we should be fine.

The rest of the trip we treated eachother like nothing happened. Still to this day we've only discussed it once! In that discussion we were able to share that we both felt it was a mistake. I was relieved for a time. Then there would be those random moments at work where I'd feel that electricity and it sucks! The look in his eyes, so intense. I can't ask him how he's feeling, because I don't want to continue on that path! Part of me does, another part knows it would be unhealthy.

We're trying to be friends. It appears to be working. I have moments where it's really hard on me. I sometimes wonder if its healthy to try to be friends. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him how he feels about me, have him tell me he could care less about me and maybe that would help. Another part knows he does care about me, not enough to make a relationship between he and I though. So why put that uncomfortableness between the two of us?

This last week I went through a rough time of it. The next post was written during the breakdown of that week. I still have no idea what's going to happen between Latin Lover and I. I think we're on the road to putting our stupidity behind us. My crush is manageable at the moment. He seems to be working things out with his girlfriend. And for now that's what's important.

Random interaction on Lombard Street leaves a lasting impression

So I've been in San Francisco for work this week. I hadn't had much opportunities to go explore the city but last night I went with my friend Northern Cali. Either way, he came up to San Francisco with his girlfriend to hang out with me. We just drove around but ended up on Lombard Street. I am not sure why I felt the need to go but after my interaction I will say I'm so glad to have left San Francisco with this memory.

I got to the bottom of the most famous part of the street and got out of the car to take pics. A guy on a long board came up to me and asked if I saw the interaction between him and a car that just drove by. High as a kite, kept telling me "Happy 420". But he was making me laugh. I listened to his story about him taking his time crossing the street because he was the pedestrian and pedestrians have the right-of-way and how as soon as he got out of the way the car hit the gas and zoomed away obviously peeved he took his time, lol I told him I was taking pictures. He then told me to follow him up the stairs because he had a perfect spot. I was a little hesitant to follow a complete stranger but he was so intriguing. He took his pot pipe out and took a big puff and told me to breath in and he blew the smoke in my face. You would think this would bug me but it didn't.

So we started walking up the stairs back up the street. He asked where I was from and he was totally making fun because he had no idea where that was. Told me he lived on the corner down the bottom of the street. He told me I smelled really good! Then laughed and said well he knew one thing, girls from my area smell really good. And said not to worry he had a girlfriend and wouldn't do anything to me unless I wanted to make out, then he turned and asked, do you want to make out? lol I was just laughing and enjoying every minute of the interaction. He told me to walk up to Montclair street with him and he'd show me the ultimate photo spot. That Montclair was his fathers name. He told me his fathers first name but I didn't remember it. It was such a fast interaction.

We got up to the spot and he had me sit on the step with him. Once sitting we were talking about his experiences living on this street. He took a better look at me and said, damn, you're really beautiful. And it was just so honest and real it was the best compliment I've received in a LONG time. I felt an immediate connection. I think I was almost ready to make out with him. It was odd how comfortable I was with him.

I asked if I could take a picture of him and he wouldn't let me. He told me he'd been in advertising for 15 years and pretty much was retired in San Francisco. I got the impression he must have been famous and didn't want his picture plastered on the web. He said I should let it be what it was, a magical phantom moment we'll have to struggle to remember. And in all honestly I love that we did it that way.

He was pretty cute, in an average guy kind of way. My friend, Northern Cali got nervous I was taking so long so he came up to check on me. I will call this person Lombard St. He was nice and kept him entertained while he pointed out the places I should point to take pics. He also pointed out where Real world San Francisco was, with Puck! And where Marilyn Monroe got married. Told me a beach I should go to but since Northern Cali had specific plans he didn't take notes on where we should go. At one point the interaction seemed like it was going to end, and I really didn't want it to. I really wanted to keep talking to him, I didn't want the moment to end. I don't think he did either. He kept grabbing my hand and saying how nice it was to meet me. And I gave him my business card and told him to contact me. He said he would. I haven't heard from him yet though. I really do hope to though. There was just such an amazing connection between us!

Anyways, we had to go so we were reluctant to say our goodbyes... He said he was going to skate down the street but I kept looking for him and he didn't. But once I got to the bottom I heard him yell down to me, couldn't hear what he said but I know it was my name, and I turned and waved up to the darkness... (sigh) It may not sound like much but it was an incredible moment in time, I guess it had to do with the connection. A connection I hope not to soon forget.