Cycling Through Emotions

Ugh... I have my moments... Right now the struggle to not call and leave a voicemail is real! It's so odd to feel like I have to hold back. I know one of the things he likes about me is that I don't hold back... But lately I feel like I'm fighting so hard to keep our communication and he's not doing anything at all. Part of me wants to call him out on it, another part wants me to just drop him like a bad habit. In fact, yesterday I happened upon a book on my bookshelf of Joyce Meyer Books "Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits" and I've never read it. So I grabbed it and put it in my bag for work for two reasons... Well more than two reasons now... But I took it to get out of the habit of wanting to reach out to Obession and share my life with him, and two I'm tired of this weight yo-yo. I want to lose weight and keep it off. I think this is something I need to read. I may take a few moments each day to read more. I also want to get out of the lazy habit, clutter habit, not putting things back in it's place as soon as I am done with it habit, and the list keeps growing. 

I'm so tired today though. I can't keep my brain active and my typing is atrocious! I keep having to retype words because my brain is thinking one word and types a completely different one! 

It's Obsession's birthday. He doesn't really care about birthdays. He was raised Jehovah Witness so they did not really celebrate them. But because I'm big on birthdays, it feels strange not calling/texting/emailing him "Happy Birthday". But it's not "work" related. Even though I always send work people texts or emails on their birthdays, I don't feel like I can because he said it would be better if his wife didn't see any notifications with my name on them unless it's specifically work related. Makes me kind of sad. Then I feel like what's the point of leaving a voicemail? Does he even care? Does it even make him smile? Or does it annoy him? Does he get frustrated that I'm not getting the hint that he's just wanting me to be out of his life. And honestly I couldn't tell you if that's true! I haven't had a chance to talk to him! The only thing I do know is every time we have talked about it, he says that he enjoys our talks, he likes hearing from me, he enjoys that I don't hold back, he wishes he had more time to talk. Actions speak louder than words Sir... Actions speak louder than words... But... if I stay true to myself then I should leave the fuckin message!... Leave the message... But just don't go into the wondering if he's ok with it part. The fact that I think about it this thoroughly annoys the crap out of me lol 

Obsessing Off and On

If you read below you will see that I still obsess off and on about Obsession. Less and less often these days. Probably due to the Long Absent, Soon Forgotten concept I talk about below... Which means I live even less in his mind/memory if he's slipping from mine. Obsession still pops into my head more than he should though. Someone at work said the statement, "I live rent free in her head" and that's kind of how it feels about Obsession. He lives rent free in my head. It's annoying. It was almost daily. At work, it *is* daily. I have a digital frame on my desk at work that only houses photos I've taken with coworkers. I have quite a few of Obsession and I in our long history. I'm thinking I need to just remove his photos... Maybe... Eventually. lol On the weekend he's on my mind because I wonder, should I call? Maybe to catch up? It's usually more quiet on the weekends. 

Ugh... Someone shared this statement with me and I had to think of Obsession... "When God prunes people out of your life, let Him do what He knows is best for you. He sees a Judas before we do." And not that he's a Judas per say... It's just so clear that God shut all doors of open communication with Obsession. How many more hints can I take to STAY AWAY! There was something shifting in our friendship. Maybe it could have gone in the wrong direction. I still remember that photo we took together at Christmas. That I had invited another coworker to join us for the photo and he said he was going to honor Obsessions wishes and stay out of the photo. I looked confused at Obsession and was like no it's cool, you can join us! And the guy was like nope, I told Obsession I wouldn't. Obsession didn't argue. Which meant they talked about it at some point while I wasn't around. 

The last time I at his work location he didn't have his wedding ring on. My first thought was did he get separated?!?! Oh Lord, I hope not because of me! Then I thought, he probably just forgot his ring, no biggie. He mentioned something he shared with her on Father's Day which indicated they were still together then he said he gave me the abridged version since he didn't have time to go into everything that happened that day with me. Part of me wondered if it was because someone he didn't know too well was sitting with us as he shared his horrible Father's Day. 

He interviewed for a promotional position last week. My desk is situated where I get a good view of the parking lot. He didn't come to my area to say hello. I guess I can understand with the stress of interviewing but I was sad. The odd thing was he parked in his old spot, came back to his car, moved it to where no one could see it. When he came out of the interview it looked like he jumped into a car that I didn't recognize. My first thought was he met his wife for lunch to discuss the interview. Or... *IS* he having an affair? And his wife knows something is off so she was super paranoid of his friendship with me? Dang! talk about overanalyzing! *SMH*

Husband Creature and I are still doing well! I feel more connected to him than ever. Our sex life is great! We're in the process of looking to buy a house. It's crazy how expensive it is out there now. Houses we could have bought almost outright are 4-5 times more expensive than they were maybe 5 years ago! Which is stressful. Well honestly I need to get this posted. More to come... 

Below was written 6/4/24 from excerpts from an article article I read online.  

Long Absent, Soon Forgotten... Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder... Not in this case. 

This implies that distance can evoke a sense of nostalgia, longing, and appreciation for the other person.

I do agree that the human mind has a very unique way of romanticizing memories that a person happens to be fond of, especially when it comes to cherished relationships. So when separated, individuals are likely to focus on the positive aspects of their connection, reveling in the moments they spent together. So, in the absence of the daily routines and constant presence of the other, the bond may appear more idealized and appreciated, and this contributes to the belief that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The saying “out of sight is out of mind” simply posits that when two or more people are separated or disconnected, their thoughts and emotions concerning one another gradually fade away. So the longer one spends away from someone else, the further apart they grow and the weaker whatever bond that existed between them becomes.

Lack of contact can lead to a decrease in emotional connectedness and attachment between two or more people.

5/28/24 - Forehead Kisses 

Dreams still plague me. It's frustrating that I still dream about him. 

Below was written 5/11/24

I need to let go... 

I mean it's crazy... How much more can I verify how little I mean to someone? 

The above two lines were written April 24... Now it's May 16... And I just feel ... foolish. There are moments... Moments when I realize, for his wife to feel as frustrated as she is with me, she had to see something different in how he spoke to me or about me compared to other female coworkers. I *hate* that I can't email him. It changes our entire dynamic. I can't call him, he's never at his desk. I think about calling the main office but two things. He always answers the phone on speaker so I never know who's in the room listening. Second... what if he doesn't answer. How do I explain that I'm calling? I just feel dumb. And I wonder... Does he even notice I'm not around? I'm sure he does. 

Take Your Child To Work Day really ticked me off. Well I wasn't ticked until I saw that he took a selfie with a bunch of other girls, one of which I *know* he's attracted to. And I wonder, did he suggest it? or did she? And if he suggested it, why not get one with me when I saw him? Why isn't he getting yelled at for photos with them? 

Just writing that down... Takes out some of the sting... 

The End...

This is the end, beautiful friend... This is the end, my only friend... The End... 

Now that I've started to get over the struggle of being completely and utterly mortified. The realization that the communication will never be the same is starting to sink in. The realization that there was more to our emailing back and forth than I realized... As innocent as *most* of the emails were... I never thought I'd not have that opportunity. I've emailed Obsession for over 5 years.

Obsession's wife read our emails back and forth... ALL of them apparently. She was pissed and he had to reiterate that there was nothing going on. She was still angry and thought the emails were inappropriate and demanded that he tell me to stop communicating via email... 

His email cut me to the core because there was no warning. It came out of the blue. It was so harsh... I wasn't even sure if our work friendship would be able to continue either. 

Hi Clandestine,

This message is probably long overdue in all honesty. My wife read your messages directed at me in my work email. Although, I explained that it was nothing to be worried about, I must admit and agree with her that the emails were inappropriate from the outside looking in. From the perspective of a spouse, I can see and understand her point of view. I hope that you understand and ask that you respect my request and refrain from sending me messages via *email when content is not necessary for business. I know how this may be sudden and that is probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I apologize for that. Either way, I feel that you will understand and respect my point of view.

Sincerely,     

Without knowing how he was going to treat me in person I read the worst in that email. I worried that he was also angry at my emailing him frivolous messages. I didn't cry... I just took a break, tried to breath, and felt like a complete fool. My mouth went numb. It was weird. I was mortified. I felt stupid. I wondered how much she actually read. I wondered a lot of things. 

Then I realized God closed a door. And it was a good thing. He did it to protect me and my marriage. 

I gathered courage and called my mom... I was embarrassed. I shared the situation and the history. She was kind. She prayed for me. 

I tried to go back to work... I knew I couldn't reply. I knew I may see him the next day at work and had no clue how he would treat me. I knew I couldn't engage, that I'd have to let him approach me. I wasn't sure if he even would. I prayed and prayed... Asked for forgiveness... And prayed some more... 

The next day I went to work. He wasn't in until later. As it got closer to his start time I prayed hard for courage not to be hurt if he avoided me. I had walked out to my car to get my charger and when I walked back in he was in the office next to the one I frequent talking to my old boss. I freaked. I prepared myself for him to walk past me and act like he didn't see me...

But he didn't. He came to my doorway and I was already shaking my head, mouthing how sorry I was. He asked if I got his email. I couldn't even make a sound, to the point he asked if I lost my voice lol I said... I just felt horrible that my actions made him have to go through that. He said he had no idea how his wife was able to read all of my emails but he said... I mean she read them ALL! Even the one where you admit you think about me all the time. But in that moment he couldn't push the question of how but had to deal with the issue at hand. And I apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. I told him it kind of was. He said that it was something he could have said something about, but he honestly didn't think it was an issue. I told him how surprised I was by his email, that I kind of expected something like that would be a conversation. He said that his wife required it. That she read it to make sure he did it. And wanted to know if I had replied or if he had seen me after the email was sent. He said he didn't want to send the email but his wife was pretty adamant and he said she was his spouse so he kind of had to. I actually couldn't hold back a light laugh but then was relieved. I told him I wasn't sure how he'd treat me in person based on the tone of the email. I asked if he needed me to just keep my distance in general. He said this wasn't high school. That he wouldn't treat me any different and told me not to freak out. lol And he actually made that clear when I went into the main office later and he seemed to make a point to treat me exactly the same. 

He tried to tell her there was nothing going on. I guess she kept turning it back on him. That if he read the emails between her and a guy how would he feel. He had to be honest, he'd be upset. He said that he never engaged, sure it was flattering, but that he was always very careful in his replies when I would admit my feelings for him. I told him, exactly you never admitted to being attracted to me or anything. He said that's because he was always super careful and now he was really glad he was. 

And now that I heard his tone towards me I can read that email and see how he was careful with his words towards me. "Inappropriate from the outside looking in" Meaning he didn't see it as inappropriate from his perspective. He said he wanted to write "Don't take this wrong" but then realized his wife would be angry that he was worried about my feelings over hers so he had to write it the way he did. 

It hasn't been till there are things I want to share with him that I realize ... Damn... I'm gonna fuckin miss emailing him. Which means there was something I got from those emails. Instant gratification. He'd respond. He'd engage. I realize now looking back and how he treated me in person, I think he enjoyed our email chats as well. Based on how he would reply. We are so limited in person... This is really going to suck. 

Then I think about the fact that this is a door that I know God closed, and He closed it for a reason. There was something forming between Obsession and I that was inappropriate. Especially since I can't really see the problem in my overshares. I think because I knew even though I am attracted to Obsession I love my Husband Creature and don't want anything to come between us. So I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. I clearly needed the distance. The separation. 

And then I think about Obsession's wife's perspective and think... wow... I bet her heart was pounding in rage as she read my emails. I wonder how long it took her to confront Obsession. I wonder how that whole thing went down. She will hate me forever. I will never be able to build a friendship with her. I will always be the stupid girl from her husband's work that was inappropriate with her husband. Ugh... I hate that. 

The above was written 1/25/24 5:27pm

So Obsession stopped by my door when he came in the following Friday. Which surprised me. He never really did that before so I appreciated the effort. In fact, I loved it! It made me realize that he wants to keep the communication going. But... last Friday his schedule changed. He works mornings now on Fridays. I was able to chat with him for a bit in the morning when I got in. I was happy to hear his schedule changed leaving him the weekend evenings to go out. 

Then... I had another gut punch... I will be done working out of his office (the local office) on Fridays at the end of this month. Side note: He's going to New York for two of those Fridays. So now, I get one more Friday to see him... Then it'll be hit and miss. Maybe once-a-month at best... 

I went in and talked to him because I was pissy with everything I had been hit with on Friday, so I vented about the other annoyances and we laughed and I felt better and realized again... Damn this is gonna suck not being able to have these conversations. So I asked if I could call him, or if I should just avoid him altogether. He said phone calls are tough because he never knows where he's going to be or what his availability will be. Thus why I always emailed him before. 

*Sigh* A new level of bummed set in my gut and I became really sad on Friday. Foolishly sad. Obsession said we'll figure it out, that we'll have to stop by whenever we go to the other's respective locations and I was like, when are you ever at my location anymore? lol I think in that moment I realized he doesn't really care one way or the other lol Not like me. Then I felt foolish all over again. 

This process has felt like a slow removal of a band-aid. I didn't get hit with it all at once. It's almost like God closed the door one section at a time. God knew how rough this will be on me. The big part was no more emails. Now no more time in the local office... Blah! But then again I realize it's for my benefit. For the benefit of my marriage. For the benefit of my heart. Clearly there was something inappropriate forming and I wasn't going to stop on my own. 2/6/24 1:30PM

5/23/24 - I haven't posted this for fear... Fear of what? I don't know. But I've held onto it. Rereading it. Embarrassed. Ashamed. But I reread an older post "An Explanation" and realized... The whole point of this Clandestine Blog is to be clandestine yet real... honest. I haven't posted because I'm embarrassed. But writing helps me process things. I have been a fool. I AM a fool. It's hard to believe it's been 5 months. I was correct. Everything has changed. I have tiny interactions maybe once-a-month at best. I miss him. I feel stupid for missing him. I go through a myriad of thoughts and feelings when he pushes to the forefront of my mind and then I shove it away knowing he probably hasn't noticed the lack of my presence. That it shouldn't matter even if he has. The distance is for the best... all around.