Obsession Strikes Again

Yesterday I saw Obsession. He was inviting and sweet. Offering to have me sit with him and his coworkers. (Reminds me of the conversation I had with him about him saying he'd drag me by the arm to join in to existing conversations when I swing by) He commented on liking the color on my toes. Noticing my tiny almost non-existent pinky toe nail and teasing me about it. lol The other staff barely stuck around. I even commented that I didn't mean to drive them away. 

We talked for a while. Almost 2 hours. We talked about his wife's medical issues finally. They are waiting to get a procedure scheduled for a biopsy. He started to complain about his wife. The fact that she's not interested in the same things he is and how when the kids leave the house he's concerned they won't have anything in common. It was the complete cliché. Talking to a coworker you find attractive about the troubles of your marriage and how easy it is to slip into an affair. 

The warning signs caused me to revert to marriage counseling mode. I was encouraging him to try to find common ground. Focus on the positives in their relationship. I didn't feed into his negativity. I kept thinking of my best friend and her 20 year marriage and how close they are. Worrying that Obsession is definitely not in the same place after his 20 years of marriage. He joked that his brother had good luck online dating. Nothing long term but fun with gorgeous women. I reminded him he wouldn't like that. He joked that he would. I said sure for maybe a few weeks but ultimately he would want someone to spend his life with. He really is negative about his marriage at this point. He is a thrill seeker and wants his wife to be the same. He wants to get out and hike, and snorkel, and be in nature. I get her perspective. I'd rather stay inside and just relax. Though they have a pool and spa and she won't join him for either. I can't imagine not wanting to have a glass of wine and relax in the spa with my Husband Creature. And of course I couldn't imagine saying no to Obsession either. But I haven't been married for 20 years. I told Obsession to find something they both like. That he can't expect her to be a different person than she is. But there has to be something they both like to do. Though I also got married late in life. I knew what I wanted in a person. I had settled into who I was. Obsession married young. He's not one to leave his wife. But I can tell he's struggling and a bit resentful that she's not as willing to try new things. But I reminded him of areas she has tried. And letting him know there were things that my husband liked that I wasn't into and visa versa. 

He was engaging. He kept the conversations flowing. When I was starting to wind down a conversation he'd ask another question to keep it going. The other really pretty girl came through and he brought her into the conversation but kept me involved. And as I was getting ready to leave after she did he kept on talking to me. It wasn't until my boss came in that the conversation was ended. It was late. I should have left 15 minutes prior. And honestly I'm not sure how or why my boss came into Obsession's office. He didn't try to talk to him. Maybe he overheard my voice. Not sure. But he walked me out. I felt awkward. Like I'd been caught doing something wrong. (I guess I kind of was...) Or maybe someone had told him I was in Obsession's office. It stressed me out that Obsession shared that we were talking about marital discord. But... oh well. 

It looks like Obsession is moving forward with submitting his interest in transferring to my location. I'm nervous. Especially since he said he shared some things with me that he's never said to anyone. It almost feels like he's going out of his way to make me realize I matter to him. That he wants to share with me. Yet every time I wonder if there is a mutual attraction I shake my head like there is no way he'd find me attractive. Especially with the one really pretty girl coming through all the time. But he enjoys me as a person. I have come to accept that. 

Obsession is really into TikTok lately. I haven't been able to get into it myself. That's something the really pretty girl and him have in common. She's really into making videos, but I have come to understand she's kind of full of herself. She knows she's beautiful and wants to show it. Luckily Obsession doesn't seem to entertain her. He doesn't follow her on TikTok which makes me kind of happy. 

Colorado has popped into my head a lot lately. Not sure why. There is a photo he posted to Facebook back in November that is really nice. He looks good. It makes me happy for him. Wishing I could just check in and see how he's doing. But I know for my Husband Creature's sake, I need to keep my distance. It's too easy for us to reconnect and take things too far. 

Ex has proven to be challenging as well. He's pushed the conversation to move to an inappropriate place a number of times. I keep my distance but we still chat here and there. It's weird to me because he admits that his wife wouldn't be happy to hear that we talk. I know my Husband Creature is fine with me talking to old flings as long as it's casual. And for the most part it is. Ex sometimes gets carried away. I do my best to discourage it. He was super concerned for me when he found out I had Covid last month though. He kept checking in on me no matter how many times I told him I was experiencing no real symptoms. Not sure why he was so worried. But it kept us in communication for a while. It's been a bit and I'm ok with that. 

Anyways, we'll see how it goes with Obsession, especially if he signs on for my location. The idea thrills me and scares me to death. One part of me imagines him storming into my office, shutting my door and pushing me up against the wall... *sigh* (Similar to my experience with Latin Lover at the hotel in San Francisco, which today is one of the most ostentatious experiences I've ever had.) The other part of me imagines he'll be so busy or worried about how it looks coming to my office he'll avoid me... Making me sad. Either way, I really kind of wish I didn't have to deal with either. Both would be bad.

Endearment

I saw Obsession Tuesday. It was a basic conversation. Nothing exciting. But oddly I leave wanting more... Wishing I had more time. Wanting to email him and realizing it's just silly. I enjoy talking with him. I miss him. I just wish it wasn't inappropriate to go sit at Starbucks for hours on end. 

I mentioned an embarrassing moment when he gave me a hard time about a comment I made being a little bit ditsy (without saying that straight out). He couldn't remember the comment. I couldn't remember the details but told him I remembered being embarrassed. He laughed and says well just know I only say things to tease you... as a term of endearment. He said it with focus and made sure I was paying attention and making eye contact. It felt electric, like he had a deeper meaning. The look left an impression let's put it that way. 

He has a weird work schedule because of Covid so after finding out he doesn't work every Tuesday and that we wouldn't see each other next week he said he was going to try to change it so he wouldn't be so confused with each week being different.

***The above was written January 8th. ***

Obsession was at work the following Tuesday. I guess he worked out his schedule to be there. Interestingly he made a point to get up and hug me, whereas last week was an oddity, instead of getting up to hug me he said he'd keep his distance because things with Covid being so out of control. I was actually not expecting him to hug me that day.

And I may be in trouble... Looks like Obsession is thinking about indicating interest in a new development at my location. ACK! I seriously don't know if I could handle it... I'd be annoyed if he didn't make an effort to come say hi, and then I would hate to constantly worry about what I look like. lol Or be super aware of who is where when I walk around the building. Blah... He's on a current assignment and he's going to ask if he can maintain it. He feels like this might be the only opportunity to get back up to a local position. I'm nervous. There aren't a lot of workers that are local to the area so he's almost guaranteed a position. If he does move forward with indicating interest, he will be at my office no later than July 1st! Lordy lordy! I had a dream about him that night. Clearly he was on my brain. 

Sometimes I read through my posts and they feels so mundane and overanalyzed and others my heart flutters like it did in the moment but I'm telling you there is electricity. 

He seemed truly surprised when I told him I didn't expect to live in our state forever. That I planned to move. But who knows how soon that will happen. Could be 10 years. Could be 2. We will have to wait and see. I need to head out... 

The "Rona" got me!

The Rona - So I was quarantined for 10 days with minimal symptoms. I only tested because I felt a little off and my sister came back positive. I had no fever, a pretty bad headache and lost my sense of smell for a couple of days but otherwise ok. My Husband Creature came back positive as well. He felt like he was getting a sinus infection which he gets almost annually. My Stinker Creature had a low grade fever for a couple days and a headache but otherwise he was bouncing off the walls. It was tough not leaving the house for my Starbucks runs or getting out there and doing Christmas shopping. My Husband Creature got hit the worst. But he kind of did it to himself. He stopped eating and drinking for almost 5 days. I kept telling him he needed to eat to keep up his strength and we got into it a couple of times, him telling me to back off so I finally just let him do what he was going to do with less sympathy than if he was sick and was trying to stay hydrated and eat. lol But we survived and our marriage is still intact! I came back to work this week. Thankfully right before the holidays so I have a couple short weeks ahead of me to get back into the swing of things. 

Obsession - I saw him for the first time in weeks yesterday since I have been quarantined. I had emailed him a couple times through our work email. He'd respond right away and keep the conversation going asking questions, though I kept my distance. I do so good for a time, and then the day before I am scheduled to see him I start dreaming about him. Ugh... I had a dream Monday night. It was intimate and somewhat realistic and yet completely unrealistic. I think the problem for me is that I still feel strongly that the friendship is one-sided. Or that all the effort is one-sided. If I stopped reaching out he'd not make the effort to respond. I wonder sometimes if he'd ever reach out if I stopped. Every time I feel like testing it, I end up giving in too quickly and reaching out for some reason or other. It's just my nature. 

Though I keep going back to the day I finally shared all this. I told him I was wondering why he asked me if I missed him and didn't respond. I told him it made me insecure about our friendship. That it's like I'm just his ego booster. Then I felt extremely weird with how that all came out and then my boss walked up to our conversation and I was forced to leave it hanging out there said, without a response or any chance of a reaction. So I called him on my way home to "fix" the weirdness and it got weirder. I told him how I felt the friendship was one-sided. He gets complimented, gets cookies, and I'm left with ... "Did you miss me?" And to this moment I can't get over how he replied. He said he was sorry he didn't respond and of course he missed me and that's why he always asked where I'd been hiding whenever he felt like it had been a while since I reached out. That was his way of telling me he missed me. Then he just said it, "I'm sorry I should have just told you. Of course I missed you." And then his voice got hushed... "I have to be careful, especially around here" and I asked  him to explain and... he just repeated the statement like that's all he could say. So I moved on... Told him I knew I was being silly and it shouldn't matter. He said "it matters, that's why I'm taking the time to talk about it." 

Since then conversations have been basic. Nothing too intense or intimate. When I saw him yesterday I was pleasantly surprised he immediately stood up to give me a hug. I even said I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me because of my germs and he said he'd have as much of a chance getting the Rona from Walmart. It was nice to chat, but never long enough. I always enjoy our chats. I had to rush off. I specifically went to his office first to drop off Christmas presents. I had a lot of exhausting work to do at the other office and I couldn't guarantee I would look "fresh" if I stopped by afterwards. lol I just gave him a small box of cookies. And I gave one of his coworkers an actual gift, he said if it's perishable she wouldn't be back till after the new year, I said, oh no, it's not perishable. He seemed surprised. 

At times I wonder, how do I even think we're friends? And other times I wonder how do I ever doubt we're close? I gave his entire unit something little to "brighten your day" and he taped up the card with the other photos that he likes. I just don't know how to feel. I mean friends is one thing. But that whole conversation about missing each other kind of threw it into a new level of friendship only because of how it was expressed. But again, I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Especially with him... I should probably take a chill pill lol Anyways... it's the end of the day for me. I won't see him for another couple of weeks since he'll be off till after the holidays. Though he did hint that he may come down next week after all. Guess I'll have to see if he shows up...

Merry Christmas! 

I'm feeling odd

I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how. 

I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though. 

Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well! 

But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life. 

Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird. 

Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going... 

Quite a change

So Obsession has met my Husband Creature. And... I think they get along well! lol It's not surprising. My Husband Creature is really laid back and personable. And of course, if I enjoy Obsession it's easy to see that my Husband Creature would get along with him as well. 

I have to say it was completely awkward to have them meet. But once the initial meeting was done, it was easy. Nothing awkward. My Husband Creature is a mechanic and Obsession had some work on his daughters car needed. I knew my Husband Creature could do it. So I gave Obsession my Husband Creatures number a while back and it took a bit but they finally connected and made it happen. 

I'm always so proud of my Husband Creatures abilities and knowledge of working on cars. He's been getting a lot of side work doing that. Obsession asked if he could bring him more work or if Husband Creature even liked doing that kind of work. My Husband Creature said not as a living but for side jobs he's fine doing all car work. He can do bumper to bumper projects. 

The above was written 8/26/20 8:57am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I'm kind of mad at Obsession. Like angry. I haven't felt like this in a while but right now, I'm annoyed. The last two years he's made a point to wish me a Happy Birthday. First year he said Happy Birthday in person since I worked in his office. Last year he emailed me Happy Birthday. This year... nothing... It just goes along with everything else I've been feeling lately. Like I've been replaced. He suddenly decided I don't matter. Our conversations have been shorter and shorter. He never has time to chat. When we do, it's just kinda blah... I've noticed lately he seems to be focused on that one girl that comes into his office who is more his type. He seems to look for her. It used to be that he'd be focused on our conversations and not notice her. Or if he did notice he wouldn't interrupt our conversation. Now I feel like I'm just a nuisance. And it makes me sad. I've been avoiding talking about it. I don't want to face reality. I sometimes feel like I'm over-analyzing like I usually do... But it's been too consistent to be just a momentary issue. And it's not enough for me to confront him. He'd think I was crazy. I've thought about teasing him that I've been replaced by the other girl. And honestly I haven't had the opportunity to even bring it up! 

The above was written on 9/8/20 at 11:00am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a lot on the brain

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm overwhelmed and tired. Not a good combination. I've been so busy this week and next week I'm on vacation and seriously it can't come fast enough. Tomorrow is my Friday. But I still have so much to do. Friday I have to bake cookies and do laundry. Saturday I have a wedding to shoot. Sunday after church we're leaving. As soon as we have the rental I think it'll feel like it's finally happening. 

I've been back and forth about Obsession since Tuesday. 

------------------------------------------

Ok so it's Thursday, my Friday before vacation... I'm in a much better place mentally than yesterday. 

Tuesday was an interesting interaction with Obsession. It was short. And I had the opportunity to see him Wednesday as well and because of the Tuesday interaction I didn't want to chance leaving another ending until I return. And it seriously wasn't that great a moment but it meant something to me. 

Here's the thing. I have no idea if he even notices my absence. I find him talking more and more about another girl in the department who is more attractive and has a good body. I am a nobody. I make him smile. I feed his ego or I have in the past. Recently it seems less stroked. lol Yet... something tells me I make an impact on him. He seems happy to see me. 

He noticed my glasses right away. I forgot to change out of my computer glasses to my every day glasses from one office to the other. I was rushed. I can use the computer glasses but not for long distances. Either way, the way he looked at me... It was surprising. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to read into a guys' reactions but if I didn't know any better I'd say he was noticing me in an attracted way. We had another guy from my office with me and I could tell he was filtering somehow. He commented on how my other glasses don't have the bottom portion. That's pretty attentive. He said they looked good. 

I was rushed to get to a meeting so there wasn't our usual time to chat. And I felt a difference in how he talks to me when it's just me. With our coworker there he seemed pulled back. I had thought they were friends so I was surprise by his somewhat guarded behavior. But I felt like my coworker wanted to leave. When I said goodbye, he hugged me, told me to take lots of pictures at my vacation and share when I get back. But again it was the look on his face, the eye contact, that felt like there was more on his mind. It's possible I read into it. But the moment left me feeling it was a great way to leave before vacation. I've been tempted to email him and another part tells me it's not worth it. 

Part of me feels like this is a close friendship... Another part feels like it's such a waste to focus on someone that doesn't give back much at all. I compliment him. He has never once admitted to finding me attractive in any way. Other than he considers us friends, and that he enjoys our chats. Though there was a conversation where he said he was surprised at how bold I was, how easy it was to tell him some of the stuff I do and that he could never do that. Maybe his own way of saying he doesn't have that boldness? Obviously I'm not repulsive to him... But sometimes I wish he did tell me I mattered to him. But of course, that would just open up a whole can of worms. So alas... I'm a fool thinking foolish thoughts, over analyzing everything. On that note... lol 

Over-analyzing... again.

So I saw Obsession yesterday. A couple things he said have been repeating in my brain and of course I've been over-analyzing since. 

He has been bringing up more that things remind him of me based on our conversations. There is something that physically happens every time he mentions "I thought about you this weekend because..."

We had a rumor of an active shooter in the office the week before last when I was leaving it was pretty scary. I came into the lobby to find Sheriff's with guns ready coming in to search. I asked if it was safe to get to my car and they told me yes. I got to the car and called my Husband Creature. Then called Obsession with no answer so I called another girl from the office. Obsession brought up the fact that someone told him I called them about it, and he couldn't believe I didn't call him first. lol I told him I had called him first but he didn't answer. So I showed him my phone call history and he saw that sure enough I did call him first. He smirked and said he felt better. And he noticed my Husband Creatures name in my phone is "My Love" and Obsession said, oh I see you tried to call me another couple of times as well. lol 

I went to say goodbye to the other girl in his department and was called back by Obsession and another guy to come to his office again. As I did, he had a fake snake on a string and pulled it as I was walking by and sure enough I freaked and he recorded the whole thing! (though I hated how I looked in the video). I yelped and yelled "You suck!" As I was finally leaving he was smiling huge and his tongue was out because he got me. 

The week before last Obsession asked if my Husband Creature would be interested in working on his daughters car. Freaked me out at first. I was concerned that my Husband Creature would have an issue. I'm still concerned that Husband Creature doesn't know the connection between Obsession and "A LOT has changed." I was very clear on Obsession's name when I gave Husband Creature his number because I have mentioned "Distraction's" last name. And if it comes up I plan to explain that the situation has passed I didn't think it was an issue. But sometimes I wonder if I should bring it up but how would I? Oh btw this is that guy that I found attractive enough to call a distraction at work... Yeah somehow I don't see that coming out in any way without bringing up old wounds. So I have done nothing to pursue it, just put the info out there for Husband Creature and the rest is up to them.