Chemistry - I can't imagine it's just me

So... I'm thinking it's probably best that I don't hang out with Latin Lover anymore. Even in coworker settings. Last night we all went out for a coworkers farewell and as much as I love, absolutely adore, my Boyfriend Creature... I'm still feeling major chemistry between Latin Lover and myself. I had invited Boyfriend Creature to hang out with us all which would have, I think, cooled off any chemistry.

It's odd because at work it's very minimal! I mean like non-existent most of the time. I think maybe random occurrences here and there but few and far between.

Last night was intense and it freaked me out.

We just had a moment

Our eyes met, we both were slightly smiling, held each other’s gaze and it took my breath away. I'm still shaking it off. The chemistry is undeniable.

He wrote me a song. I made the list...

... Unfortunately being on that list means the song must not be very nice. But the implications of being on that list are hard to ignore. He told me it was a hurtful song or more like he was just being a jerk when he wrote it. I really don't think I can handle hearing it. It sucks knowing it’s out there because he says I'll never hear it.

We're friends again. In fact, he's gone back to normal. He asked me to go to lunch with him last Friday. I told the now Boyfriend Creature to make sure he was ok with it. Part of me felt like I was cheating. Part of me wonders if I felt that way because there is still too much chemistry between Latin Lover and me to play naive. We talked at lunch. He said he asked me to lunch to apologize for his behavior and that I was too good of a person to be treated the way he had and that he never wanted to take me for granted again. Later that day he said that if I put up with his harsh treatment and still wanted to be his friend it must mean I’m a true friend.

So how is it, that I still really like him? What is this hold he has on me? After all the cruelty and rude, harsh comments why am I so happy I'm back in his good graces? Shouldn't I be more afraid of being treated like that again?

I don't want to fuck anything up with the Boyfriend Creature. Boyfriend Creature is incredible, amazing, and loves me for me, fully and completely and without reservation. I feel like I can truly be myself around him. I feel like screaming at myself “Please, oh please, don’t ever do anything to fuck this up!”

Official

btw... I love my new theme for my blog! :D

So it's official. Boyfriend-like Creature is now officially Boyfriend Creature minus the like. And one possibly moving into the Husband Creature April 28, 2012 if all goes well! He hasn't officially proposed but we both know we're MFEO (Made For Each Other)! LOL! Yeah ok, silly. He's pretty fantastic. It's hard to fathom that this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But though its surprising it doesn't freak me out. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's the one. My mom always told me I would just know, and well I never understood what she meant and it's hard to explain how I know... I just... do.

Latin Lover and I have been chatting more at work the last couple of days. Nothing serious just casual chit chat. He seems to be more open to the idea of chatting than talking face to face and that's ok with me. Though tonight if I didn't know any better he was throwing it out there that he didn't have anything to do tonight. In the past I would have jumped on that and offered to hang out or go shopping with him. It's different having Boyfriend Creature in my life. I no longer want to be around Latin Lover in an innapropriate way. I'm not even talking sexually, but just being alone.

New Beginnings

I really wish I had more time to write. Life is chaos especially with the holidays. But I find today I'm having a hard time focusing. I really want to get some things off my chest. Writing in my journal doesn't seem like enough somehow. Or maybe because I'm at work it looks more obvious that I'm not working? Or maybe my fear is someone will actually read this entry in my journal and know it's me.

I'm seeing someone. He's a really amazing guy. I would say we started talking in late October but met mid-September. Sometimes I wonder if things with Latin Lover had to end so I could be open to the idea of this guy. Yet, even now, having fallen for Boyfriend-like Creature as I call him, I'm still drawn to Latin Lover. I guess there was more of a connection between us than either of us realized.

Latin Lover and I didn't talk for a good couple of months. But we finally had a breakthrough conversation November 17, and yet two months later he still barely even acknowledges my existence. I'm not quite sure what his issue is. The talk went really well! I found out that everything I've been feeling was true. He cares a lot about me and that the distance was really hard on him.

With all the talk and how things have so slowly progressed I feel like there must still be too much between us. I can tell because I get nervous when I think about him knowing about Boyfriend-like Creature. It took me forever to let Boyfriend-like Creature stop by my work where people could see him. One: because Latin Lover hated me bringing in people to the office. Two: Because I didn't want my Boyfriend-like Creature meeting Latin Lover. That in itself makes me wonder if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Last night as Boyfriend-like Creature and I were shopping he told me he thinks he saw Latin Lover. My heart stopped... He told me it was when he stopped by my work. He saw Latin Lover watch us through the reflection. I felt sad. Worried about what Latin Lover felt.

This is where my heart isn't sure what to feel. I desperately want to talk to Latin Lover and part of me doesn't know how wise that is. He treated me like I was the plague earlier this week and sometimes I wonder what I do to push him away. Part of me wonders if his feelings get more intense so he pushes harder. I invited him to the play I'm putting on tonight, a couple weeks ago I told him how much I'd appreciate him coming and he said he would try, yet with how he's treated me this week he won't show up. If he does, I would seriously faint! I have decided if he doesn't show up and is at the office when I get done I will stop by. Ok so the decision isn't made but I'm mulling it over.

Anyways going back to him treating me like the plague, it really got to me, to the point that it ruined my day. This concerns me. I've always been a people pleaser, part of me feels like I can explain it away with that. But, for obvious reasons, Latin Lover affects me in a deeper way. And this bothers me, especially since Boyfriend-like Creature is now in my life.

So lets focus on the positive aspect of Boyfriend-like Creature. He's amazingly sweet, caring, giving and all that usually makes me gag about romance. He's a romantic to such an extreme that sometimes I find myself annoyed or thinking he's gotta be fake! Yet, he's gone to my church for 5 or so weeks even though I'm not in the service and busy with play practice. He's shown spiritual growth on his own without any prodding from me. He gave his life to Christ December 12th. I asked my parents if they had any concerns and specifically requested to have their blessing before pursuing an official relationship with Boyfriend-like Creature. I've gotten their approval to move forward but not an official green-light but more like a yellow-light. It's odd to move forward with a relationship seeking my parents approval being 33 years old but considering how many times I've screwed up and this isn't a light decision I wanted their blessing.

I have all but to make it official. I planned on doing something cute on Christmas Eve but he's been pressuring me to do that to the point that I got frustrated about him pressuring me into doing what I already had planned that it made me not want to do it that way... I'm still frustrated. Even last night and today I'm still annoyed with the fact that he kept pushing and pushing and it made the surprise no longer fun or exciting. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait for another plan. Because right now it doesn't feel right to make it a Christmas present. Part of me wonders if I'm being a spoiled brat not to want to do what I was planning just because he keeps suggesting it without knowing it was part of my plan.

When I'm with him I get lost in my emotions for him. I really do care about him. Even love him. But his speed almost scares me. He was fighting telling me he loved me within weeks of us showing a mutual attraction. I think I'm going to surprise him Thursday and ask him to be my actual boyfriend. I wanted to do something silly like have a gift tag on me that says "Would you be my boyfriend?" With checkboxes for Yes and No... But knowing his playfulness he's select "no" which for some reason would bug me. Or maybe I should just ask him outright. I'm already on edge about taking this step. I'm apparently scared to death of commitment! Who knew? I guess thats why I always go after the unavailable men.

I wish I felt better about things.

Time Flies

It's hard to believe July was my last post. But I guess looking it appears my post was late July and it's early September.

I just had a birthday last weekend. I'm 33 years old. I'm not sure if I have shared my age on this blog. I'm currently working so this post will probably be put off here momentarily. I'm waiting on someone to fix something so I can continue my work. It's hard to reflect on the last year of my life. So much has changed, I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, been hurt a lot, cried a lot, bettered myself in a lot of ways. So I can't look back at a year of my life with any form of regret. I'm genuinely happy.

Work beckons me...

Well the above was written on 9/9/10 and even more changed the very next day. Its surprising how quickly and drastically things change. The week after my birthday was such a wonderful one with Latin Lover and me on a purely friendship level! He wrote me a birthday song and later the next week we spent time recording music, and just having a genuinely good time hanging out.

The quick and abrupt change occurred September 10th. It's almost been 2 whole months since Latin Lover decided to no longer talk to me. He went on his trip out of the country and right before he did I confronted him and he told me he couldn't figure out where I fit into his life so he was giving up up, he was done trying. That was September 15th. I didn't understand the seriousness of his statement until I saw he deleted me from his friends on Facebook and blocked me on Skype a few days into his trip. I had no idea that when he returned from his trip, he would continue to ignore me unless he *had* to interact with me for work related purposes.

In all honesty, it was overwhelmingly devastating. I'm writing about it almost 2 months later so my mood about it has subsided. I get sad, but the first month I was beyond depressed. I was overwhelmed with the grief. Here was someone I valued above all in the office and to some degree outside the office and he threw my friendship away with vengeance. It stung like hell and was a continually reopened sore every time I went into work and saw how kind he was to the others. And that he could't even make eye contact with me and when he did, felt like he was willing blades to pierce through my heart. The cruelty was horrific. Little stabs here and there, seeing him go out of his way to shove me out of every area of his life was very hard for me.

(sigh) Yes, the wounds have not yet healed. I've slowly come around though. Slowly come to realize that this is how he felt he needed to handle the situation. I realize now that it was an unhealthy relationship/friendship. Especially with how painful it was to have him throw it away and how emotional I was about it, meant that it meant much more to me then I should have let it.

Though what's the saying, "out of ashes..." I've learned a lot about myself. It's been an amazing journey, very emotional, I had some very low points in the first month of the cut. But in the last month I've slowly been able to turn around. Accept the reality of the situation. Understand that though I disagree with his way of handling the situation I have to respect that it was what he thought he needed to do. Knowing how hurt I was when he did it, made me realize my feelings went deeper then just friendship so it was for the best. He proposed to his gf and I genuinely hope he's happy. I still hope that someday we'll be able to be more than we are, but I don't ever expect to be anywhere like we were and that's a good thing. I'd settle for even a fake friendship which is what I know he has with everyone at the office. I am even lower then that to him right now and that hurts. And sadly I have to admit it's a blow to my pride, I wonder I wonder how could someone throw my friendship away like that? But I've grown so much from this situation.

Anyways, that's all I have time to share for now. I'll do my best to update soon.

A New Leaf

Not sure what to feel or say right now. Not sure if I should even share. So much in my life has changed since my last post. I spiraled out of control there for a while. I felt seriously disturbed. I know I really should share all the things that happened in the last couple of months but honestly, it's the past... I'm moving on and hopefully to better days.

I became really self destructive, especially to my emotional well being. I became so wrapped up in drinking and having sex and not realizing how damaging it was to my self esteem. I would have thought that I was doing better because here I was getting these guys to show me attention that I thought were out of my league, shouldn't that make me feel better about myself? Yeah no, not when the sex was meaningless.

I am sometimes really disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up for my behavior. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. Sadly the wrong way. The painful way. My heart has been broken. Not shattered, maybe just a new crack here and there. But we all know those little cracks add up... My heart got involved with both The Drummer and Latin Lover. I read a book recently that labeled it an unhealthy soul-tie.... You attach yourself to someone that you should never attach yourself to. I gave my heart so surprisingly to Latin Lover which was especially odd because I never felt fully safe with him. How did I ever let my heart go that far?

Guess it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm on the mend and trying to stay out of trouble. The odd thing is I'm sitting here on the beanbag in the middle of the room at the office, while he's working at his desk. Yes, Latin Lover and I are hanging out tonight. I'm not sure how to feel about our friendship. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy but I think because we work together, it's what I need to make it through it I guess. I'm not sure. We'll see what the next two months bring. He is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 8 years. So more power to him.

I just know there is someone out there... Someone that will love me for me. My laughing too much, my insecurities, me on my good days and me on my bad days. Someone will want to spend every waking minute with me. Someday... Someone out there will love me. And I don't mean that to sound sad. It's actually very hopeful. I am genuinely content and looking forward to when that person (whoever, wherever he is) comes into my life.

For now I'm going to keep myself out of trouble and continue to grow as a person. I've done a lot of personal reflection in the last couple of months. I've been disturbed by my own behavior and I knew there was something wrong about it... Now that I'm on the right path I can hold my head up higher. It's a good feeling.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I post again. But for now... Goodnight.

Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends

What is it about U2 that makes you thoughtful? I don't know. I just got back from my walk. The moon is very beautiful right now, so are the clouds, beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow as the sun is setting with a twilight sky. (Sigh) I'm very sad right now. I spent the bulk of my walk crying bawling. I really need to stop breaking down on my walks because I'll start avoiding them. I'm not sure what happens on my walks, maybe it's because all I have with me are my thoughts. I broke down nearly halfway through my walk and couldn't stop till I was almost home. I'm very sad and lonely. Maybe heartbroken is the best word to describe it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making the effort. I feel sometimes so desperate to be peoples friend that I do everything I can to make that person want to be my friend back only to be disappointed and let down.

Latin Lover says that he chants "Fuck friends, fuck friends, fuck friends"... I'm inclined to agree with him. And would even be including him in my list of friends I'm saying that about. But as I stumbled down the street crying so hard I could barely see and hoping nobody would see me, I thought “Everyone lets us down, the only person that won't is God”. Of course, in that moment a wave of guilt washes over me and I started crying even harder. My relationship with God is so distant. Yet, I know the only thing I need to do is seek Him but I'm so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now I have no idea how to even go to Him. It's horrible to think I don't have the time for God. But if I'm honest, that's the truth. I keep thinking of that “Footprints in the Sand” poem. I know that’s the situation right now, God is carrying me through this time. Yet I feel so alone.

Why is it that sometimes you just need that tangible person, someone who will hold you and tell you that you're ok, faults and all? God can do the same thing. I've experienced it quite a few times. But right now I'm selfish. I want that physical person. I want to feel loved, cared for, desired, and accepted as I am.

I'm so drained right now. I partially think I'll just crash early tonight. Another issue I've been dealing with is lack of a good night’s sleep. Once I got past my brother's emergency wakeup calls at 3:30 in the morning, I just kept thinking too much, having nightmares, and waking up before my alarm by hours for no reason. Then when my alarm would go off I've slept through it a couple times!

The last time I broke down on my walk I realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be but that I needed to stop running from who I am. Tonight as I walked along crying I honestly thought, "Ok, so I've come to grips with who I am and have decided to accept myself as I am, will anyone else?" Yes, I'm talking about a relationship.

I've been recently interested/involved (at various levels) with 3 different guys, each in their own right, good men. All seem unavoidably unavailable! What's with me and unavailable men? the Drummer is not the kind of guy I should be involved with. Latin Lover, well there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with him. Yet I feel the most desperate to be near him and get to know him. The Setup is in every way the perfect fit for me. He's a great guy, shares my beliefs, we have a great time when we hang out, yet I can't avoid the feeling he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I don't know how many times I've written him off only to hear from him asking if I want to go out again. I always say yes, with a twist of hope and the time together is always great... Then I don't hear from him in forever.

(Sigh) I'm just so tired of feeling unwanted, undesirable and uncared for, especially the feeling of not being worth the effort. In both friendship and relationships, but right now I’m referring specifically to relationships! I'm tired of one superficial relationship after another. The last serious relationship I had was when I was with Ex and how many years ago was that!? For a time I really did enjoy the casual dating scene. I've gained a lot of confidence in areas where I didn't have ANY. Yet, when will someone feel the desire to be with me, flaws and all, for better or worse?

I'm drained, so I know my emotional outlook isn't very healthy. But I just need to express it... Get it off my chest, in hopes that I will be able to let it go. Blah! U2 - Achtung Baby playing on my ipod as a sad soundtrack to this moment in my life. Love is Blindness... How appropriate... (Sigh) I think I’m done ranting for the moment. I’m hesitant to post this on my public blog. I’ve considered posting it to my anonymous blog. Not sure why I’m doing this but here goes; another very real blog entry.