I still get surprised

Junior - Things with him have been pretty mellow. Though he sure is growing into his body. He has awesome broad shoulders, chiseled arms (from playing drums) and a thin waist. I am still surprised when he flirts with me mercilessly.

He saw me at bible study tonight. We made a lot of eye contact. Mostly inside jokes. He found out about my new crush on The Drummer and actually seemed jealous and gave me a hard time about my bad taste in men. But it was odd that it only took him one try to guess who it was that I was crushing on, so obviously he didn't think he was the farthest from gaining my affection. We were talking about how wrong for me The Drummer is, and how I tend to like things that are a bit taboo. That's when Junior reminded me that's why I like younger men with a grin ear-to-ear and his girlfriend sitting right next to him.

Either way, by the end of the evening I honestly struggled to stop checkin him out. I knew he had his gorgeous girlfriend sitting right next to him. So I thought to text him, to tell him that he was looking sexy, but decided against it. And sure enough I get a text from him saying goodnight, and how it was great to be able to hang out and talk and that he must admit he thought I looked "pretty darn cute like always!" I took that as my queue to admit I was thinking the same of him and had to keep myself from checkin him out and closed with sweet dreams cutie. Sure enough his reply was something to the extent of goodnight goodlookin and maybe we'll run into each other in our dreams with a wink.

And here I'm thinking, he has a gorgeous girlfriend, why in the world is he even flirting with me? I mean I know it's not like he's going to leave her for me or anything just because he flirted with me. But its just so odd that he would even think of me when he's sitting right next to someone so beautiful. It's sweet. It's dangerous. Maybe that's why I like it so much. Maybe that's the key to why I can't find a decent guy. The decent guys aren't presented in a taboo situation. Ah well, moving on.

Sunday after church I was giving his girlfriend a hug and we did that awkward which way do you lean thing and I joked that I was almost about to kiss her. Like a moment later Junior tells us, well you just should have. I was actually clueless, his girlfriend had to explain this to me. Tonight was no different. There was something said about me and her almost kissing and he said in his dreams. lol That kid is crazy!

The Drummer - He stopped by the house Tuesday night to pick up his equipment. He was attentive. Asking if I had plans for the evening, which I did. We joked around a bit. And as he walked out the door he asked what we were cooking Friday! I asked him if he still planned on making it and sure enough he does! He said to just let him know what we needed him to bring. Now suddenly I'm nervous about it. I know my crush is to such an extent it's obvious that I like him when he's around. I told my best friend she's gonna have to pinch me if I make it too obvious.

I found out from my brother The Drummer is coming over tomorrow night to record some vocals for his other band. So looks like I'll be seeing him again. (sigh) <-- That isn't a romantic sigh, it's a sigh wondering what the heck I'm thinking! I can't wait to see him again. And yet I've been asking everyone for prayer. I don't want to get all wrapped up in this guy. I'm lonely right now, he would not be good for me. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I figure I'll be slapped back into reality soon enough when I see or hear about some skanky chick he's sleeping with. Though I haven't heard much about his relationships, past or present. But in my mind, they probably aren't much of relationships, but more one-nighters. Isn't that a horrible way to view a crush? As a slutty guy? Odd. I'm going to bed.

Oh no... Another one to add to the list

What is it with me and drummers? My first kiss was a drummer... My first boyfriend was a drummer... If I ever start crushing on someone and find out they're in a band, what instrument do they (mostly) end up playing? Drums... Junior plays drums at church. I always joked that I liked drummers' rhythm. ;) Anyways, we have a new one to add to my list of men. I will call him The Drummer. Though with my track record, I'll have to start labeling them, Drummer 1, Drummer 2, Drummer 3... well you get the picture.

The Drummer - He's in my brother's band. It didn't take me long to start crushing. He's good looking, funny and personable. I never felt a major crush till this weekend though. He's my typical type physically: skinny, ripped and tall. There are other things that make him not my typical type. He's a bit "punk". He has a mohawk, not all the time but when he does shows. He's tatted up which goes along with most of the drummers I've liked.

Anyways, I've always been physically attracted to him. I don't remember the day I realized I liked him more then the other guys in the band. When I realized I didn't want him to see me looking crappy. The thing is, he's seen me at my worst. Pjs, no makeup, hair not even brushed.

Yesterday was Valentines Day. The band was at my place practicing. We were talking about the bassist not getting any flowers from his girlfriend for valentines day and how he would have liked something. I mentioned that I'm one of those girls that get flowers for the guys I'm dating. The Drummer said something about it being too bad I was my brother's sister. Now this isn't the first time he's mentioned it. But the look he gave me made me realize he meant it. And the bassist tried to explain it and The Drummer stopped him and said that he knew I understood exactly what he meant by that. (And the meaning is, my brother is quite protective. Him disliking my sisters boyfriend, who happens to be a friend he grew up with, means his friends know my brother isn't cool with his friends dating his sisters.)

Either way, on my way to pick up the pizza for the guys, I stopped to get the bassist a flower. I got back and honestly The Drummer seemed more impacted by the fact that I had done that for the bassist then the bassist himself. Lets just say, I think I got myself a couple more brownie points in his book.

The rest of the night was him and I flirting. He always looked for my reaction. Any time we got too close he'd joke that my brother wouldn't be too happy about it. There was one point we were on the couch watching the rest of the band play Guitar Hero World Tour and I had a hard time concentrating. He was always turning to look at me and being so close it was invading my personal space, which of course I didn't mind, but it made for some intense stares. Another time he decided he needed to show me his sixpack, which honestly was so fucking hot, I had to turn away. I laughed at the cliche' of me biting my lip to keep from saying something I'd regret. I took a deep breath and turned around and, lets be honest, couldn't help but want to fuck him. Any chance he had, he was over by me talking about his latest escapades. It seemed he was trying to make sure I realized he was a good guy. He just turned 40 the day before last so he was explaining the events surrounding his day.

I noticed the other guys in the band starting to tease us, making jokes about being careful around my brother, saying it was too bad my brother was so overly-protective otherwise I could go out with the guys. The Drummer was making fun of the Sweet Home Alabama song and putting lyrics in that were redneck, about loving a sister, one of the band members said, don't say that too loudly... You don't want her brother to hear you say you love his sister. Of course this was RIGHT in front of my brother. Who then said, oh no, not another guy like my sisters boyfriend (Sadly my sisters boyfriend is a bit of a loser). Another thing is The Drummer isn't working (like my sisters boyfriend) and the bassist joked that since I lost my job The Drummer would be asking if he could stop by.

The thing is, my brother lately has been putting The Drummer down. It's almost like he noticed something and wanted to make sure I wouldn't go out with him. The thing is, The Drummer is really REALLY not good for me. He's a drinker, partier, I can only imagine how many women he sleeps with. He's been to jail. My brother tells me why and I'm not sure I believe it. I need to find out the truth from him.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It's obvious to me I need to get laid because I couldn't stop fantasizing about him and what he could do to me. I kept thinking I must be making it up because how could someone so cut, good looking, like someone like me. But then I'd remember how his closest friend in the band is the one making comments about The Drummer and I, that even he was noticing something. Whether The Drummer would ever act on it, I highly doubt it, but just knowing he is interested makes me feel good.

Today the band was over again. Today, it was a little less flirty. Though my brother told the guys that my best friend and I have been cooking every Friday night to help teach me how to cook. The Drummer then brought it up to me and said he'll be joining us from now on and that he's pretty good in the kitchen. I joked with my best friend that I'm sure he is pretty good in more then just the kitchen. Anyways... we'll see if that happens.

I feel foolish.

so much love in a loveless world

I was a good kid
I wouldn't do you no harm
I was a nice kid
With a nice paper round
Forgive me any pain
I may have brung to you
With God's help I know
I'll always be near to you
But Jesus hurt me
When he deserted me, but

I have forgiven Jesus
For all the desire
He placed in me when there's nothing I can do
With this desire

I was a good kid
Through hail and snow I'd go
Just to moon you
I carried my heart in my hand
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
But Jesus hurt me
When he deserted me, but

I have forgiven Jesus
For all of the love
He placed in me
When there's no-one I can turn to with this love

Monday - humiliation
Tuesday - suffocation
Wednesday - condescension
Thursday - is pathetic
By Friday life has killed me
By Friday life has killed me

(Oh pretty one, Oh pretty one)

Why did you give me
So much desire?
When there is nowhere I can go
To offload this desire
And why did you give me
So much love
In a loveless world
When there's no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love
And why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Jesus - do you hate me?
Why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me?

Well that was unexpected

Geek Photographer just stopped by. This is an oddity to me. He actually called last weekend to see if he could then but I got his call too late. So today of all days, I'm not feeling so hot, have been vegging all day, I took a shower but hadn't really got ready, he stops by. When he called he specifically kept me on the phone so I wouldn't go run off and get fixed up. I swear... Boys. So I let him in, my hair not even brushed through, no makeup and he hung out for about an hour and a half. I let him know I don't usually let people see me like that. He knows I'm fighting a cold and that I just started my period. Our time was only slightly awkward but for the most part I had a good time.

It's so funny how he and I seem to go through stages of friendship. We're really close one minute and then we fight or barely talk the next. I've kept my distance but lately I've noticed he's calling more and I'm less annoyed with him. Though the other day I kept taking things he said so personal. I knew it was probably pms. But that was the most affected I've been by him in a long time and that was barely anything. I will say it was nice to see him. It left me with a good feeling when he hugged me goodbye.

I guess it's time for sleep. I've been sleeping all day but I can barely keep my eyes open.

What a week

It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.

At first I thought it had to do with Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.

Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)

Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.

Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was HunkofBabe. Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!

The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?

I also finally had to have a talk with Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.

Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.

I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.

It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

Um... I'm a dork

I can't stop thinking about him. What the hell is wrong with me? He asked me to join him on his smoke break. Came over to my side of the office for some left over candy then held the door downstairs open so I could come through. I was surprised at the friendly gesture. He made a comment about my shoes being scuffed and how I needed to shine mine and his while I was at it. I explained it was because when I was shooting the wedding I was on my knees and he jokingly said if he had known it would be that kind of wedding he would have gone. lol God, does he know what he does to me?! No clue, I'm sure of it.

(Sigh)

Silliness I tell ya

I think I need to take a nap

Good Lord....

It's been a long day! I'm not sure if I have enough energy to even write a post. I helped move my parents stuff to the garage of their new place and the left overs into my garage. I'm physically and mentally drained.

Junior was there today. He pinched my butt! Then said he liked me. What am I gonna do with that boy? The other night after he left my house from bible study and he text me asking if I needed him to stay and keep me company while my brother was out of town ending with a wink. I, of course, took him up on the cue to flirt and told him he was always welcome any time. Sure enough he told me he almost turned around and came back over. I laugh but sometimes I am afraid of what would happen if we were ever left in a room by ourselves!

A lot is going on in my life these days. I'm not really sure how I'm keeping my head on straight.

My big test is this Wednesday. I feel numb about it right now. I have so much riding on passing this test. My Operations Manager took me out to lunch Thursday and told me a promotion is inevitable when I pass. I will go to salary and move into a whole new position. It's awesome but I realize that passing is the only way this is going to happen for me. She said getting certified was the only way she could justify the raise she wants to give me. So we'll see what happens Wednesday. I won't know for a few weeks afterwards but I should know how I feel I did on the test and may even get an initial pass/fail once the test is complete.

My Supervisor got out of jail. His family came up with the bail. And then my Operations Manager fired him. I have to say I'm really rather glad she did. So no more drama in that department. I'm not sure if she plans on filling his position. We're hiring another girl to help out with the phones since I won't be on the queue anymore.

One thing I've established with my Operations Manager is that she thinks I'm a good worker but has a bit of an issue with me being "Flirty" (a word the IT Manager said she used). Not sure that I can change that. There's more to that story but again just not motivated to go into it.

The CEO asked me to be the photographer at his wedding next weekend. Yes, it's a thrown together little shindig but it does mean extra cash which I cannot say no to. The location is beautiful and should help with my portfolio.

I have a feeling I will feel a lot less stressed once this test is past me.

My parents are staying with me for a couple weeks. They have to be out of their current place by the 31st and the new place won't be ready to move in till the 5th. I saw the new place for the first time today and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they take a lot longer to get out of there. I can't believe how LITTLE they have done to prepare for their upcoming move. My dad said they haven't moved for 14 years and its quite obvious they have no idea the amount of work ahead of them!

Anyways, I'm exhausted! I'm going to bed now.