Well I couldn't wait ...

Well I couldn't wait so I went ahead and took a pregnancy test yesterday... It's confirmed...



Phew! Now I can go about my life.

Pregnancy Scares ... Annoying

So I'm trying to calculate when my last period was because I don't remember, so now I'm playing the guessing game... Am I pregnant? I usually freak a week too soon and when I am about ready to make a trip to the drugstore I start my period. I've found that I'm usually a week later then the month before... But not knowing when that was last month makes this more difficult. It doesn't help that he asked a couple weeks ago, "aren't you supposed to be on your period?" So does he remember better then me. I had thought he was two weeks too soon... But now I'm not so sure. And since I usually freak a week too soon, freaking started 3 days ago, I'm going to wait until early next week to go buy myself a pregnancy test. Ugh!

And how the brain circles around the possibilities of actually being pregnant! And how ironic that Monday we sat down and decided to stop our sexscapades prior to his move. We both agreed (I, rather reluctantly), that it would be best to work out the emotional separation when we had each other to help the process be less painful. One day it might be as simple as a hug, or a smile that gets us through the concept of not being able to be physically intimate... Things we couldn't see or do if we waited until his moving to end our physical intimacy. I think it's wise.

But going back to the original concept of this post... What if!? What if I'm pregnant? Would I tell him before he moved? Could I keep it from him? Would I want to? Would he move? Would I be ok if he did? Would I move? I mean this is a horrible possibility. Not that I wouldn't mind having a baby... But out of wedlock?! My parents would be so ashamed! :( They would be dissapointed in me... I would be dissapointed in me... I would be ashamed! Yet with all the other pregnancy scares I went through the same emotions... Did it stop me from continuing to have sex? Absolutely not! :( Ah well... I guess I just have to wait my week and I'll probably start my period. Breath a sigh of relief. And go about my life.

Another Day, Er... Another Month

So it's been a while. Time has not allowed any updates. I enjoy the security of blogging anonymously. I miss it. I've taken to writing in an actual journal though. It has been a nice release. I'm amazed at what has happened in the last month.

I have been extremely selfish with my last possible months with my ex. We are basically dating again. I know it will have to eventually end so I am using his moving out-of-state as the cut-off date. Which he has yet to make a decision to move! Which brings me to what if he decides not to move? I am still in love with him. We've been sleeping together on the weekends as of late... We have even worked it out for us to spend the night together. Once my brother found out only because he chose to sleep at my place instead of drive back to his house late one night. Yet I have thrown myself into this but I'm noticing lately (in the last week or so) that he has been more reserved. I think he is having stronger feelings for me and wants to keep his distance. I have no clue what's going to happen if and when he moves. I feel foolish but am too selfish to think any more about it then what I've already discussed. Yet I've noticed (in the last week or so) I've become dependent on him. Which sucks! I need to keep my distance now. But it's hard.

Well I can't update more then that... bye for now...

Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

Below is the lyrics to an alanis morrissette song that keeps me thinking about my recent ex's last girlfriend. The one prior to me. I wonder if this song portrays anything of how she felt.

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

"You Oughta Know"

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

I guess I always wonder if she blames me or him for cheating on her. In a way we both cheated her. When I first met him, he and her were on the path of marriage, according to his best friend. Though he tells me that he was delaying it as long as he could because he knew something wasn't right... But the lines in this song always bring her to the forefront of my mind.

And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died

Did this run through her mind? If they were on the path of marriage this would probably be something he did tell her. I'm sure she looks at me as what ruined her future with him.

Well this is a thought that should have been posted a while ago 7/7/05...

Thoughts...

As I drove home with my brother back up the treacherous drive known as "the hill" I found myself pondering a lot of things. His and my favorite pastime together is listening to music while taking a long drive. This evening though he was particularly annoying with his constant change in musical desires. He has a new iPod which I think leaves him with too many options. hehe

During one of the rare stretches of solid music, I was thinking about his new long distance relationship. He is flying her out for the 4th of July. This of course is *TOP SECRET* in the family because he absolutely HATES questions. He is 33 years old and it's not like he's doing something wrong, it's just that he doesn't want to be hassled about how the relationship is going. In all this secrecy I am really thrilled that he's pursuing this woman so much. He must really like her to fly her out, and must be extremely scared that this could work out for him to put so much effort into keeping it a secret. He would detest our sympathy if it didn't work out.

So as I pondered how serious this relationship must be going I was happy for him. Thinking to myself how I'm thankful he will be able to marry before me. In my last relationship I was afraid to be proposed to because me being the only other single sibling, as well as being the baby of the family, might make him feel discouraged. But now that won't be the case, number 1 he's in a seemingly serious long distance relationship, number 2 I am no longer dating the man I thought would propose.

Then I was left with my thoughts about that man. Of how it will be when/if he moves to Wisconsin. Knowing that he is still my companion in every aspect without (well… with rare exceptions) physical intimacy. How hard will it be to let him go? I can talk to him on the phone all day long; there is a difference face to face. I started to cry thinking about how hard it will be when he's gone. Right now we take advantage of seeing each other every day, talking multiple times on the phone aside from that, and hanging out on the weekends. I knew then that our friendship would be changed and may even end when/if he moves. I put an '/if' but it is basically confirmed he will be moving, it's just a matter of when. The '/if' is there for the random act of God that could change the direction of the course of our lives, which I believe has already happened with the likelihood of my ex moving across the country.

My life will forever be changed.

I tried then to imagine someone new coming into my life and I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed with grief in knowing he would not be apart of my life forever. I realize I can't share these feelings with him. How selfish would that be? Here he is leaving his entire family, and his lifelong friends, and people that mean everything to him and I'm going to let him know how horrible I will feel about losing him? No, not when the stress of making the actual decision is his biggest battle. I must be selfless and strong. Holding myself up and making sure he knows that I feel this is the best thing for him. In all honesty it is. His life would be easier. He would probably feel more accomplished living in a place that will pay him what he's worth and the cost of living is half of what it is here. He could pay off his debt, own a home, meet someone and settle down.

I have felt in denial of what it would mean to our friendship when he first approached me with his job offer. I was the first person he consulted. I immediately felt good about the opportunity for him. It has been just recently that I've realized what it means to our friendship. It could be that we will always be friends. Regularly calling each other and staying close. But there is a harsh reality slapping me in the face. It is also very possible that we could lose touch. The thought devastates me but I cannot let it overwhelm me. If I do, I could actually cause it to happen. I know if I were to share this with him right now he would get frustrated saying to me that I had no IDEA what will happen when he moves and to not immediately jump to conclusions of how he will be when he’s across the country, after all it’s not like he’s dying or anything.

I will try to focus on the positive and have faith that our friendship can last through eternity; that him moving will not affect how close we are, in fact that it could draw us closer because he will need someone.

Well I am feeling exhausted. I have shared my heart though I know there are pieces missing to my thought processes, I must go to bed.

Goodnight

I'm in a really foul mood...

So it's been almost a month and a half and I've been wanting to sit down and write all these things in between ... but no... I pick a day when I'm in a foul mood to force myself to vent about it.

To start off, I slipped up... I slept with my ex last weekend. I had no intention of doing so when I was hanging out at his place with a bunch of our friends. I normally walk out with everyone. But for some reason he lagged behind and went to the bathroom. I decided to wait since I had to go and then I'd leave. Well when he came out of the bathroom he jumped on me and started kissing me. Of course this has been something I've wanted but never had the guts to attempt. So of course I'm kissing him back and as soon as it was over with I feel fine. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. :(

That weekend he spent with his relatives and called me sunday and we talked about it. He of course was guilt ridden with remorse and still I had no regrets... But of course this is because I still love him. I told him if it was "just sex" for him that was fine. He still can't give me an answer... A week later and he can't tell me whether it's because he has feelings for me or he just used me. In my mind one is worse then the other, in his mind they are equally horrible for him to come to grips with. Because if he still has feelings for me then it means that he isn't where he thought he was. If he just used me for sex then he's just like every other guy out there and he would feel like shit...

Wednesday I was sick and spent the day at his place since it's closer to our work. I really faught a lot of feelings for him that day. Being at his house, sleeping in his bed, I battled a lot of things. I finally came to the conclusion that I still wanted him. I was actually wanting him to come home early from work and we'd have another round in the sheets... :-\ This was not a very comforting thought for me. I was angry with myself for falling back in this situation.

Worst of all I have been doing so well with my walk with God, if you can believe it or not... Since my dream/vision in my prior post God has done amazing things in my life. I felt like it was a test I didn't pass. I always wondered if my ex ever had the guts to come after me physically if I'd have enough self respect to say no... :( I didn't. I failed. I was/am dissapointed in myself.

When he did come home from work that night I was at the peak of my frustration. I didn't take anything out on him. I just calmly talked to him about all my thoughts, and frustrations, and battles within myself. I was more honest then most of the time... It was a very good talk. I was sad because it just confirmed that he does not want to get back together. I left feeling better in the fact that I knew what I had to do. But what was frustrating is that I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. He has been so good with shutting down his feelings for me. He hasn't shared his struggles. And yet I'm constantly wanting to share where I'm at and how I feel. I knew I needed to stop.

Since that day, I no longer hold onto being physical with my ex. Or even getting back together. I was feeling good again. So last night when I asked how he was feeling about where we were at he went off again about how dissapointed he was in himself and regretted doing anything etc. I got frustrated because I see it as just that: a mistake, something we've learned from and we can move on and realize that there is no reason to continue in that direction. And that where we were at that moment was moving forward... But he is still struggling with things and now the realization that he could have just used me makes me feel much worse. In a way though it solidifies my stand on not caving if he tries to be physical with me again.

Since the start of this entry my mood has subsided quite a bit. My guess is just getting this off my chest is a relief. Well I need to get focused on work. Hopefully it won't be another month and another foul mood before I write again.

A Dream

I went to bed last night feeling unfullfilled. I had a night planned with friends and was looking forward to it since it has been so long. I ditched a meeting just for the occasion that we could all hang out on this one night. I went and it was not what I had hoped. Yes we laughed, yes we hung out, but no I did not feel fullfilled. I went to bed struggling, wondering why I was so frustrated.

I say all that to say that it wasn't like I had spiritual things on my mind when going to bed. I then had the following dream.

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I was alone in a living room and I walked up to this large bay window over looking our valley, where I live. I had an overwhelming sense of concern for the people. I knelt down and could hear the other prayers of the saints, "come down Lord", "change our hearts", "bring life to this place", "rivive us". These were faint but audible. The urge to pray was in my heart. I was kneeling looking out across the tops of the houses and with a ferverent heart I spoke these words,"I pray for revival" and as I did the audible voices spoke them in unison with me. Suddenly a large beam came down and an shock wave burst from that middle point. It was like an explosion. I could see the wave coming to me. It passed through me and continued on and immediately I was covered in chills. My heart knew and rejoiced that God was here! He came! He was flooding the valley!
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I woke up with chills. I knew this was from God. He was confirming in my heart that I was to be involved in prayer for revival! I knew I was to remember this and share it with my church. It was exciting. Even now talking about it I get all excited and overwhelmed! He is coming! Revival is coming!