Avoidance

So... After some time I have decided that avoidance is necessary. There is a level of intimacy (for lack of a better word) to our friendship that is dangerous and I need keep my distance. No more emails. No more stopping by the main office to chat... Ugh it's going to be hard. But I need the distance. I need the separation. The realization of what I did. The lies that built upon lies, kept digging me into a deeper hole. I love Husband Creature. What am I doing with Obsession? 

I shared with my best friend what happened. I needed it not to be a secret anymore, not hidden. And I didn't think I could tell my Husband Creature without making it worse. So she gave me a perspective that was necessary. Thankfully I feel it really clicked. It was a wake-up call. 

I found out my start date for my promotion. I was given two options and I picked the sooner option only to get me started sooner but also to get me away from Obsession faster. Today has been easy. He doesn't work Tuesdays. But tomorrow will be the first day with this new focus. 

My best friend asked if Obsession approached me and planted a kiss on me would I kiss back. And everything in me said there is no way! As much as I obsess, my fantasies aren't sexual in nature. My obsession is intense, intimate, but not sexual. So then it leans towards emotional... And that's the realization... Danger! 

The Drive

So I struggled with whether or not to tell my Husband Creature that I was taking an hour + drive each way with Obsession. Of course, Husband Creature wouldn't know who Obsession is but honestly I didn't want him to tell me that he'd prefer me not driving down with another guy. That's horrible I know. I feel guilty. And my actions gave him pause because he mentioned it later in the day that I was quieter than usual. At one point we were driving and my Husband Creature called and I didn't know how to answer so... I didn't. Goodness... Typing that out makes me feel so much worse. One of my coworkers said to just be careful. I had shared that I didn't tell Husband Creature about the drive and I regretted it and now it'll look bad. She said if the opportunity should arise again I should just... be careful. I told her there really wouldn't be another opportunity so I think I was safe.  

During the drive I kept my verbal filter in place, which is good. I needed to. I wanted to share some things... things that were inappropriate but I held my tongue. I'm honestly impressed with myself. There were two moments I literally had to bite my lips together. I sometimes wonder if Obsession told his wife that we were riding down together. People at work seemed surprised. So it's not the typical situation. Is that weird to ask? 

The ride itself was pleasant. Conversation always flows easily between us. I took a few moments to just enjoy being able to look at him while he drove. I looked at my hands when I was tempted to say something I probably shouldn't. There was one point the conversation took a negative turn towards Husband Creature and I made sure to express the benefits even amidst the struggles. Obsession was stating he was surprised we didn't get into more fights because my Husband Creature doesn't like helping out more. Obsession said if he was able to be home as much as him he'd have the house spotless and the yard gorgeous. But instead of agreeing and holding onto that resentment of my Husband Creature I shared the benefits of having someone home to help out with our Stinker Creature. I never have to worry about Stinker Creature being looked after or picked up from school, etc. 

Obsession has been very social with me since. Inviting me to come into his office and shut the door to share something at work I was struggling with. Teasing me. Coming to me and asking for my help. The part that surprised me is he actually texted me and asked if I had any videos or photos of the event. I sent him what I had, I honestly didn't think to video him the whole time. I did at the very end because I really like his voice and wanted something with that. I wish I had thought to video him throughout the presentation. (If he asked for photos and videos then his wife had to know I was there with him.) I didn't expect to see him today but he ended up being asked to come in. He came to me quite a bit for things being playful in the process. 

Stopping by my desk

Obsession doesn't typically stop by my desk... But today... He did. And the joy he brought me in just that short timeframe... His bright eyes, his smiles! We were talking about my interview down at his old office and he was complimentary when we talked about how my first interview with this job was only 5 minutes and I got the job. He said "They must have liked your smile." :) *sigh* 

I confirmed we're on for that work event next week. I asked if he had a game plan. He still wants me to ride down with him. *Eek!* We don't have to leave as early as we originally thought. I'm excited for the time to chat. I'm also nervous about keeping myself in check... Part of me really wants to be open and honest, the other part is like "keep your damn mouth shut!" lol We'll see which side wins out. Probably the over-sharer side of me. Either way we'll be done around noon and drive back. So I'm going to for sure be done in time to go get my son from school on his birthday! 

Thank you!! This made a tough week better. Obsession

I'm currently looking at a sticky that was put on a plastic container I filled with cookies for Obsession last week. 

Thank You!!

This made a 

tough week 

better.

                               Obsession

*Sigh* I've given him cookies a bunch of times and have only received two notes, this being one of them. And... I'm happy. The first one was something about me being the best. *awe shucks*... I'm an idiot. lol 

Kind of Obsessing

So I'm kind of obsessing over Obsession. I mean that's kind of a duh thing but still. I opened up to my best friend about my dreams and struggles and obsessing and it seemed to help alleviate the obsessive part. At one point prior to sharing with my her I was thinking about him non-stop and it was getting ridiculous. But opening up about my struggles seemed to wane the focus on him. Like it lessened his pull. I wasn't so worried that I didn't get to talk to him or see him at work. Of course, the moment I stopped worrying about seeing or talking to him I was able to spend a good couple hours chatting with him in the main office. Other people would come and go but I still had more face time than usual. 

This last week however I stopped trying to come up with excuses to spend time with him. I kept my distance. On Friday he called my desk and asked if I could help him print up certificates for his staff appreciation event he was putting together. I had some supplies but not a lot. He decided he would go to someone else. But oddly he brought up me helping him setup for the event at the training center (which is an hour away). He said he needed someone to go pick up the food while he set up, maybe help pass out certificates, etc. I told him I didn't have anything on my calendar for that day but I'd have to check with my boss. He seemed really excited. The whole time thinking ... Ok this is interesting. I'll be able to spend some time with him. But knowing he wanted someone to pick up the food in one direction while he went to set up the location in another direction, I wasn't thinking we'd ride together. It just wouldn't make sense. The training center is an hour away. The food was another 30 minutes away... 

I spoke to my boss and asked if I could assist and she agreed. When I called him back I said "I'm all yours!" in a teasing tone. And added "So if I need to pick up the food at 8:00 am I'd have to leave at like 6:00am to avoid traffic?" He said "Well I'm ok meeting here and riding in a car down together?" And of course my heart raced. I immediately said "well I'm good with that if you are!" But then I started to look at the logic. It just wouldn't make sense but lordy would it be a blast to have a few hours alone in a car together! Each way! So he said we'll narrow down the details when it gets closer to the date. 

But as I'm taking time to think it through. Aside from it not making much sense that we'd both go pick up the food and set up together after saying the reason he asked for my help is because he can't be in two places at once, getting the food and setting up, it's also a SUPER dangerous thing for me. I've never been able to hold back on my oversharing with him. I've never NOT had someone in ear shot to ask him the inappropriate questions that bubble just below the surface. I'm actually nervous about making an ass of myself. I'm also surprised he suggested we ride together knowing he doesn't want me to text him because his wife doesn't like it yet he'll email me all day long. That's part of the reason I don't think I should ride in a car with him. I mean would his wife or my husband be ok with it? Especially knowing I'm the one he baked cookies for, or that my husband is bothered I called him my Distraction at work. Husband Creature gave me a hard time riding to a work lunch with another guy coworker he knows personally and knows there isn't any inappropriate feelings for. Well Husband Creature knows Obsession too. Just not as well.  

And knowing me, I'd be stupid and ask if there is even a tiniest attraction to me, and what if he says yes? What does that benefit? I can't do anything with it. I'm married, he's married, we're both loyal to our spouses. Or what if he says he's not at all attracted to me. Then I break my heart a little? Is that beneficial? Maybe actually. I don't know. There's part of me that knows the answer. I know he's attracted but completely loyal to his wife. 

I'm honestly just surprised that it feels like he's fabricated this excuse to spend time with me. That he put enough thought into asking if I could help because he can't be in two places at once yet suggested driving down together even if it doesn't logically make sense with why he asked me to assist in the first place. I mean maybe he does this a lot and I'm thinking it's unique? I'm unique? Who knows... Knowing me I'm obsessing over nothing. In the end he'll understand his mistaken logic and I'll drive down by myself and thankfully won't make a fool of myself. ... Only time will tell. I want this so much though I don't know that I can share the lack of logic with him. lol 

Dreams Suck

Dreams Suck... They suck lately because Obsession has been showing up in a lot of them. But last nights dream really got me because there's a longing for that kind of relationship with him, it was very vivid and realistic. I can still feel the intensity. There was nothing sexual but very intimate, very much so his love language of physical touch. Him on a couch, me on the floor by his legs, draping my arm over him; standing close, bodies touching; facing each other foreheads touching. Just extremely close. Nothing sexual. Well maybe that is sexual? That level of intimacy. 

Either way, I'm annoyed he's becoming a bigger thing in my life again. I need space. I need to avoid him. But I can't. I seem to just throw myself at him even though he doesn't seem too interested in keeping the communication up. He didn't reply to my email the other day, but he mentioned that his email is out of control now. And he does seem eager to talk to me but when no one else is around but that's rarely the case. Ugh... 

Showing Off?

I walked out of the women's restroom at work and walk right into Obsession. Not literally but still face-to-face. He was doing physical training and was taking a break. I walked to my areas door while we were talking and I noticed him walking to the break room. I told him to have fun and I noticed he looked back and seemed surprised I wasn't following him! lol He asked if I've ever seen his physical training, I said I hadn't, he said I should come check it out. I took his lead to follow and went with him into the break room where he was pulling up a video on his phone to show me. We talked a little about it. He said there was a specific section I should come watch. He said he'd call up to the main office but I knew that location was empty. So when it was close to time I called over to his location and the other person he was working with answered. I asked her to call me when it was time and she laughed but she did let me know. 

I had another coworker join me. We walked over and as soon as we walked in and he was done with one section he came over and was like "Oh I'm glad you guys made it! I'm sorry I forgot to call!" The brightness and excitement in his eyes.. as he looked straight at me was mesmerizing! I was glad he mentioned that he invited me so the person who laughed at me on the phone about coming to check it out knew I was invited. 

Also my coworker that went with me teased me because the next training demo he chose was an intense one, she said that he was showing off for me, making a show for my entertainment. I thought it was odd in general that she'd even think that. It wasn't something I would have thought but once she said it made me wonder if he was actually showing off a little.