Life and it's changes

Man, I'm in so much shock with how much everything has changed since my last post. July 30th... Now in December. 

I have been thinking A LOT about Colorado. I was so tempted to send him a message via Hangouts. It's been weird how much I've been drawn to him. It's rather annoying. I made the mistake of opening hangouts in my gmail and it wouldn't let me disconnect. I had to go in the settings and disable hangouts in my gmail so I wouldn't constantly see his name and be tempted. 

I'm angry at Obsession at the moment. I'm trying not to let him get to me but I'm just over the fact that I always feel so unimportant when it comes to him. Some days I feel like he notices my absence. But it's very RARE. Lately though it feels like he could care less about staying in contact. I am miserable with my weight and work and foot pain. I see his name and I flip it off. What do I want? What do I expect? Why do I care!? Ugh... Why is it that I even waste my time on someone that doesn't give me the time of day? I have so many other people that make me feel important. And if I think about it, there are other people who I know care about me that don't always make me feel as important. So are my expectations too high? I think they might be. I read too much into circumstances. The one that's currently pissing me off with Obsession is I tried to reach out to him in work chat. I asked if he used it, he said "Hey..." and then dropped off. And nothing since. So why respond if you don't use it? And in the past it feels like if we dropped off without much communication he'd send an email. Rare, but he'd still make an effort. Fuck me... I'm too sensitive. 

I'm depressed I think. My weight. My pain. My job. My finances. Just everything. So I think ultimately I'm hoping to get reassured by people rather than God. And I'm so busy I just don't have time to just sit in His presence and just typing that sounds horrible. Nothing is satisfying in life these days. My joy is depleted. I need to just put my head down and seek God. 

Mixed Emotions

Sometimes I think about how many women are attracted to Obsession and make comments about him. A couple ladies came into my office and were looking at photos I had up (a couple group photos have Obsession in them) and they made comments like:

"He's like the expensive meat you just look at through the glass but can't afford to buy."  "Most of the girls at training were just staring longingly while he taught the class."

... And I think... I'm his friend! Sometimes I'm surprised that I get to know him as well as I do. Lately he's been very responsive to emails. Surprisingly so. He doesn't initiate them often but he does seem more prone to admitting that he misses me, or was wondering why he didn't see me when he expected to. I have to admit something in the way he said he missed me made my heart flutter... 

"By the way, missed you today..." 

Ugh! It still gets to me. And he probably meant it as friendly as possible lol And I'm *still* reading into it! Or when he comments like "I expected to see you on Tuesday, what happened?" In previous situations he never asked for an explanation lol  

That started when I shared that the reason he showed up in my journals was because at-the-time he was everything I wanted Husband Creature to be. I did share that as much as I thought he (Obsession) was almost perfect, my Husband Creature was perfect... for me. And that it took me a bit to stop looking at what I couldn't have and started to appreciate what I did have. 

Maybe he was concerned prior to that statement that my crush was borderline ... Obsession. lol Or maybe it was flattering enough but he realized I didn't expect anything from him in return. Or maybe he liked knowing. But he's known how I've felt before. I think me getting a little frustrated at him for asking if I missed him threw him into an avoidance mode. Or who knows... lol And Covid shut downs didn't help. It really sucked when his Work At Home day was the same day I came to his office. That was months of not getting to see him. But that ended in July. I've only seen him 2x since then. I get to see him tomorrow so that'll be fun. 

It doesn't help that my conversations with Obsession have been fun as of late and my Husband Creature and I are just not on the same page. It's weird. He shuts down, I shut down, we communicate (minimally) about trying to be on the same page, we do fine for a few moments and then *poof* pissy again. Ugh... I'm frustrated at it. I'm trying to have grace for him but I just don't get his justification for being so moody. We'll get through it. We always do. I have to be careful with Obsession though. Putting him on a pedestal isn't healthy for my marriage.  

Stress

 So much has happened and changed. I went through a bit of a depression of sorts. My parents moved out of state and I've always been super close to them. My stress level is at an all-time high at work and outside of work that I can barely function. My weight is all over the place. I lost weight, gained it back and then some with all the trips I've been on. I will say my body is just shutting down. I struggle to stay awake at work. 

Colorado Etc.

I don't know what it is but Colorado has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss our conversations. I miss the challenges he'd make me face. He'd challenge my thinking. And honestly he'd make me feel good about myself. He'd also piss me off beyond belief. lol But I want to know how he's doing. It's hard not to reach out. And it's hard to believe it's been so long since we've talked. In fact today is the anniversary of his email to me acknowledging that I told him for my marriage's sake I needed to stop communication with him. 3 years. Crazy. A lot can change in that timeframe. I wonder if he thinks about me this same way, wondering how I'm doing. 

When I start to reach out to my Ex, or seek attention from Obsession, or struggle not contacting Colorado... I wonder what part of my insecurity is needing to be fed by the attention. 

Flip Flop

We're still waiting to hear when the services will be held for my Father-In-Law. Hopefully we'll find out by the end of this week. My Husband Creature seems to be handling it well enough. He's admitted to keeping himself busy on purpose.  

So Obsession sent an email... on his own! A week ago today. I was pretty melancholy that day so it didn't really hit me till later that he actually thought about me enough to initiate correspondence. It had been a few weeks since we'd seen or talked to each other and I was feeling a little pulled away because of my annoyance with him. Since then there have been a couple of emails back and forth for different reasons. 

Yesterday he made me happy by responding to a note I scanned to his email address on the scanner from his area. "This can only be one person... Hello Clandestine... lol" Something about that response makes me happy. That he finally recognizes things as being from me. And his response makes me think that it put a smile on his face. 

A coworker is retiring and turning 60 and having a big ole party. She text me over the weekend to find out if I was available to take photos of the event. It sounded like a ton of fun but I am going out of town that same day early in the morning. Turns out he was invited. I have been curious if he *AND* his wife planned to go. He's close with this coworker so I would imagine so. Then I think of the awkwardness of me being the photographer at the event. Part of me hopes my trip gets cancelled and I can be the photographer after all but then another part is grateful for a good reason not to be able to. The other thought is if he comes without his wife... That could be fun. lol 

I sometimes remember back to one of the first work events I went to and he was there. He asked who my people were and said he'd often wondered. And he kept close to me even though he knew a ton of people from the years on the job. How I asked if I could get a photo with just him. How I shared that song "Fun" with him. I wonder if he remembers it. 

I wonder a lot of things. Mostly I wonder what the heck he thinks of me. The fact that he took time out to send an email means it's not one sided. "It" being the friendship. As far as attraction. I still feel that it's pretty much one-sided. He may wonder from time-to-time but I would imagine it's a fleeting thought and not like my own obsessive thoughts. 

And yes, the title of this blog is my overall ability to flip flop on my feelings about Obsession in general. For a few weeks there I could care less about him. As of this week it seems I've renewed the obsession. 

Obsession has said a couple of times he'll see me the next time I come down or that he'll see me soon. I keep bringing up the fact that it might be a bit since he's doing his WAH days the day I come down. He always reiterates... "I'm sure I'll see you soon..." So next week will be over a month since I've seen him. And surprisingly it's only been two weeks without any communication. I need to keep my distance. I can tell...

Mourning

Mourning: There's something about mourning that causes other issues to seem so small... It shows what's really important. And what's really important is my Husband Creature and Stinker Creature. My Husband Creature's father passed away last Wednesday. My heart is sad. Sad for my Husband Creature and even more sad for my Stinker Creature who loved his Grandpa and no longer has him around. Sad for me. Sad we don't have our family drives down to Grandpa's place. Sad I don't have someone who gives me awkward hugs. I'll miss his laugh or how he greeted each of us whenever he'd see us. I'll miss his beautiful japanese'ish garden.

We did a private viewing yesterday. Just me and my boys. I wasn't sure what to expect. But it was serene, calming and peaceful. I'm not sure what I expected. But I guess I imagined a more cold environment. It was completely unexpected. Completely emotional. All three of us crying together. It was therapeutic. It was oddly beautiful. And I'm grateful for the moment to say goodbye and tell my Father-In-Law that I was sorry and would take care of them for him as tears streamed down my cheeks. Stinker Creature wanted to go outside so I took him and gave Husband Creature his own time with his dad. Walking out the door I felt like I was so sad to never see him again... Tears welled up all over again and I had to remove my mask to breathe. After another 5-10 minutes Husband Creature came out with red eyes and he decided he wanted to visit family members gravesites. 

After that amazingly real experience we had a rougher one later in the afternoon with Husband Creature's Aunt at my Father-In-Law's house. But I don't want to focus on that experience. I am uncertain what the future holds with Husband Creatures extended family. But for now... We mourn... *Sigh* 

Obsession: So it looks like Obsession has switched his one WAH (Work At Home) day to the one day I'm down at his office. At first I was really sad about it. But now I'm so wrapped up in what's happening with my family and I think it's for the best that he's not around as a distraction. I'm kind of angry at him. Feels like he did it on purpose. I called him out on it and he said it was the only day available. Best case is I see him in a month, worse case, on a rare occasion until the one WAH day is removed because Covid is miraculously cured. lol Which will probably not be the case for a while. So we'll see how long I go without seeing him. And how long I go without emailing him... 

I think He's Opted Out

So I think Obsession has opted out of putting in for transferring to my location. And as much as I am kind of sad I think it's truly for the best. In fact, the more I thought about it, I wouldn't have the freedoms I do now with chatting with him when he's at my location. And he really has a good gig where he's at. But alas... I'm still really sad.