I'm feeling odd

I have a lot of emotions going through my brain this morning. Partly because I didn't sleep well, and partly because I don't feel what I think I am supposed to feel about Obsession. I feel like there is nothing inappropriate about our friendship. But my best friend seems to feel differently. She seemed irritated with me with the last events that took place and kind of laid me out for them. And I still, trying to look at it her way, am not seeing the problem. Sure he's flirty, so am I. I know I feel like the friendship is more one-sided. I feel like I'm his ego-boost and I don't get much in return. Then there are moments... Moments when I feel like he shares in his own way that my friendship means something to him. My best friend basically said he's a male chauvinist pig who's insecure and needs my ego boosts. She says I'm hurting my marriage. And still, I struggle to see how. 

I haven't seen Obsession in weeks. Not intentionally. He's just been out of his office the last few times when I've been down there. I finally emailed him. He said he was starting to wonder. (Not exactly sure what.) Then I saw him Tuesday. Within seconds he asked if I missed him. I almost didn't catch it, it was kind of under his breath. Of course said yes, but kept the conversation going. Now I wish I would have asked him in return. We caught up for about 20 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if the vibe I get from him is true or my own imagination. My irritation is that it feels so one-sided. I email him, he doesn't typically reach out to me. He always seems eager when I do though. 

Looking back through the last few email threads, there have been a lot of fun interactions. But again I know where my heart is at. I'm no longer as obsessive. And my marriage is doing really well! 

But lately, probably because I've been pushing myself too hard and not getting much me-time, I'm feeling low. Not really myself. To be honest, I'm either pregnant or going through pre-menopause. lol My periods have been a little off the last couple of months. Part of me wants to take a pregnancy test to be safe. My parents are having a yard sale and I'm getting rid of all my baby stuff and it would be ironic if I found out I was pregnant after the fact. Maybe I'll grab a test today and just take it to be safe. Goodness it would be overwhelming to be pregnant that this stage in life. 

Oh and hunkofbabe now shows as single of Facebook. Still irritates me that he deleted me after adding him. Not sure why he deleted me. He added my sister and that annoyed the crap out of me lol Oh well. And I've been curious about Colorado more lately. He's been updating his profile pic on facebook quite a bit. Looks like he's living his best life. I'm happy for him. Ex and I have chatted off and on for a while now. Most of the time the conversations are on the surface. Nothing too intense. I find that I reach out when I'm feeling needy or lonely or wanting attention which makes me nervous. So I go weeks without communicating to keep the distance. I really don't know why. He's not attractive. Not a draw. He doesn't compliment me. I'm weird. 

Anyways, back to Obsession. He's off today because his wife is having a procedure done to check on a mass. I can imagine his concern. Makes me want to reach out. But after my conversation with my best friend I feel I need to keep my distance. Even if I'm not sure that it's all bad. If an outsider is looking at our friendship as inappropriate I need to really take heed and be cautious. I love my husband and we've been doing so well for the last year and a half almost two years now! And I thank God for that! Well I have to get going... 

Quite a change

So Obsession has met my Husband Creature. And... I think they get along well! lol It's not surprising. My Husband Creature is really laid back and personable. And of course, if I enjoy Obsession it's easy to see that my Husband Creature would get along with him as well. 

I have to say it was completely awkward to have them meet. But once the initial meeting was done, it was easy. Nothing awkward. My Husband Creature is a mechanic and Obsession had some work on his daughters car needed. I knew my Husband Creature could do it. So I gave Obsession my Husband Creatures number a while back and it took a bit but they finally connected and made it happen. 

I'm always so proud of my Husband Creatures abilities and knowledge of working on cars. He's been getting a lot of side work doing that. Obsession asked if he could bring him more work or if Husband Creature even liked doing that kind of work. My Husband Creature said not as a living but for side jobs he's fine doing all car work. He can do bumper to bumper projects. 

The above was written 8/26/20 8:57am

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So I'm kind of mad at Obsession. Like angry. I haven't felt like this in a while but right now, I'm annoyed. The last two years he's made a point to wish me a Happy Birthday. First year he said Happy Birthday in person since I worked in his office. Last year he emailed me Happy Birthday. This year... nothing... It just goes along with everything else I've been feeling lately. Like I've been replaced. He suddenly decided I don't matter. Our conversations have been shorter and shorter. He never has time to chat. When we do, it's just kinda blah... I've noticed lately he seems to be focused on that one girl that comes into his office who is more his type. He seems to look for her. It used to be that he'd be focused on our conversations and not notice her. Or if he did notice he wouldn't interrupt our conversation. Now I feel like I'm just a nuisance. And it makes me sad. I've been avoiding talking about it. I don't want to face reality. I sometimes feel like I'm over-analyzing like I usually do... But it's been too consistent to be just a momentary issue. And it's not enough for me to confront him. He'd think I was crazy. I've thought about teasing him that I've been replaced by the other girl. And honestly I haven't had the opportunity to even bring it up! 

The above was written on 9/8/20 at 11:00am

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I have a lot on the brain

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I'm overwhelmed and tired. Not a good combination. I've been so busy this week and next week I'm on vacation and seriously it can't come fast enough. Tomorrow is my Friday. But I still have so much to do. Friday I have to bake cookies and do laundry. Saturday I have a wedding to shoot. Sunday after church we're leaving. As soon as we have the rental I think it'll feel like it's finally happening. 

I've been back and forth about Obsession since Tuesday. 

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Ok so it's Thursday, my Friday before vacation... I'm in a much better place mentally than yesterday. 

Tuesday was an interesting interaction with Obsession. It was short. And I had the opportunity to see him Wednesday as well and because of the Tuesday interaction I didn't want to chance leaving another ending until I return. And it seriously wasn't that great a moment but it meant something to me. 

Here's the thing. I have no idea if he even notices my absence. I find him talking more and more about another girl in the department who is more attractive and has a good body. I am a nobody. I make him smile. I feed his ego or I have in the past. Recently it seems less stroked. lol Yet... something tells me I make an impact on him. He seems happy to see me. 

He noticed my glasses right away. I forgot to change out of my computer glasses to my every day glasses from one office to the other. I was rushed. I can use the computer glasses but not for long distances. Either way, the way he looked at me... It was surprising. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to read into a guys' reactions but if I didn't know any better I'd say he was noticing me in an attracted way. We had another guy from my office with me and I could tell he was filtering somehow. He commented on how my other glasses don't have the bottom portion. That's pretty attentive. He said they looked good. 

I was rushed to get to a meeting so there wasn't our usual time to chat. And I felt a difference in how he talks to me when it's just me. With our coworker there he seemed pulled back. I had thought they were friends so I was surprise by his somewhat guarded behavior. But I felt like my coworker wanted to leave. When I said goodbye, he hugged me, told me to take lots of pictures at my vacation and share when I get back. But again it was the look on his face, the eye contact, that felt like there was more on his mind. It's possible I read into it. But the moment left me feeling it was a great way to leave before vacation. I've been tempted to email him and another part tells me it's not worth it. 

Part of me feels like this is a close friendship... Another part feels like it's such a waste to focus on someone that doesn't give back much at all. I compliment him. He has never once admitted to finding me attractive in any way. Other than he considers us friends, and that he enjoys our chats. Though there was a conversation where he said he was surprised at how bold I was, how easy it was to tell him some of the stuff I do and that he could never do that. Maybe his own way of saying he doesn't have that boldness? Obviously I'm not repulsive to him... But sometimes I wish he did tell me I mattered to him. But of course, that would just open up a whole can of worms. So alas... I'm a fool thinking foolish thoughts, over analyzing everything. On that note... lol 

Over-analyzing... again.

So I saw Obsession yesterday. A couple things he said have been repeating in my brain and of course I've been over-analyzing since. 

He has been bringing up more that things remind him of me based on our conversations. There is something that physically happens every time he mentions "I thought about you this weekend because..."

We had a rumor of an active shooter in the office the week before last when I was leaving it was pretty scary. I came into the lobby to find Sheriff's with guns ready coming in to search. I asked if it was safe to get to my car and they told me yes. I got to the car and called my Husband Creature. Then called Obsession with no answer so I called another girl from the office. Obsession brought up the fact that someone told him I called them about it, and he couldn't believe I didn't call him first. lol I told him I had called him first but he didn't answer. So I showed him my phone call history and he saw that sure enough I did call him first. He smirked and said he felt better. And he noticed my Husband Creatures name in my phone is "My Love" and Obsession said, oh I see you tried to call me another couple of times as well. lol 

I went to say goodbye to the other girl in his department and was called back by Obsession and another guy to come to his office again. As I did, he had a fake snake on a string and pulled it as I was walking by and sure enough I freaked and he recorded the whole thing! (though I hated how I looked in the video). I yelped and yelled "You suck!" As I was finally leaving he was smiling huge and his tongue was out because he got me. 

The week before last Obsession asked if my Husband Creature would be interested in working on his daughters car. Freaked me out at first. I was concerned that my Husband Creature would have an issue. I'm still concerned that Husband Creature doesn't know the connection between Obsession and "A LOT has changed." I was very clear on Obsession's name when I gave Husband Creature his number because I have mentioned "Distraction's" last name. And if it comes up I plan to explain that the situation has passed I didn't think it was an issue. But sometimes I wonder if I should bring it up but how would I? Oh btw this is that guy that I found attractive enough to call a distraction at work... Yeah somehow I don't see that coming out in any way without bringing up old wounds. So I have done nothing to pursue it, just put the info out there for Husband Creature and the rest is up to them. 

Been A While...

Things have shifted with Obsession. In a good way. And I'm grateful for it. It's shifted in the past and re-surfaced into a full blown crush so I'm hesitant to say anything but I almost feel that this whole COVID-19 Work At Home situation gave me the space I needed. I still want to talk to him. But when I do, my brain doesn't drift towards the inappropriate. 

....................................................................................

Welp... I knew it wouldn't last long. lol I had a dream about him the night before last. I was left feeling foolish and stupid. Which is how I tend to feel at times when I get done oversharing with him. Either way, the above was written I believe last week. 

We had an interesting conversation yesterday. He was very chatty. Seemingly surprised to see me. All smiles. When we sat down to talk he shared more than usual. Stories about his brother and mom and asking my opinion on if he should feel the way he did. We were clearly on the same page, I'd say something in agreement and he'd be like, "See! So it's not just me!" He was complimentary. I shared how I had a rough visit with my sister. I told him I mentioned a conversation he and I had with her and he was jokingly affronted that I would share our private conversations. He asked if my sister was jealous of my positive nature. I asked him why she'd be jealous of me, that she was the one with the nice new house. He said that you can have nice things but without an upbeat positive attitude it doesn't help much. He said I was bold. And seemed to admire that quality. I could tell he was referring to me being so completely honest with him, about my attraction to him. He says he thinks "Man, I can't believe she admitted that!" (never outright admitting to my acknowledgements) He has brought up a couple times how he's surprised I can be so bold. I always correct him that it's also stupid and he always argues that it isn't stupid he's just never been able to be so bold himself. He seemed surprised I talk to my Ex. He said his wife would never be ok with that. I shared how I had to have a lunch with my Husband Creatures ex and how uncomfortable I was with that until she spoke. lol 

We talked about my journaling. He still has the one I got him, he's only written a couple sentences in it and that he thinks of things to write but when it comes time to sit and write he feels silly. I asked if it's because he keeps thinking someone is going to read it and he agreed that was probably the issue. I told him how I need privacy because of my complete honesty and he asked if I wrote things that shouldn't be read by my husband and if I had a lock on it or anything. I told him no, but that if my Husband Creature read it, there would be a couple entries he wouldn't be happy with. His eyes got wide. I started to share that I have a private blog that I don't share any names and I just label the people I'm talking about. He seemed completely intrigued and ready to ask questions but someone walked in and by the time they left it was time for me to head out. I doubt he'll bring it up again. And if he does I have to be sure NOT to tell him his label lol That would be bad! 

He showed me more photos than usual. He shared how he went riding this last weekend. And hiking another day. He turned to me and we were super close. An intense moment. But again not the electricity I have felt in the past. And listening to that song by Selena Gomez - Fun. It doesn't pull me like it used to. So aside from still having a pull towards him, dreams and anticipation of getting to see him, it does seem my Obsession has toned down a bit. Though not enough for me to be glad about it yet. 

Random Run In

So shockingly I ended up seeing Obsession the night of April 1st at his brothers grave site. It was completely unintentional. I was driving to a store and happened upon the street and something just made me think, fuck it, let's see if I can find it... I drove down looking for crosses and poof he's sitting in his truck right in front of it on the phone. I wanted to stop, I wanted to text, I wanted to honk, something... He was off work a couple of hours early. I flipped around and ended up just texting him. We had our longest text interchange since my dad was in the hospital with his heart attack. I wasn't sure how it was received. I felt silly. I genuinely had no intention of invading his privacy. He seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort to find the spot. I made sure to mention that I didn't realize he would be taking off work early so he knew I wasn't even expecting to see him.

I made a point not to reach out to him again until I found out my work was sending me to "Work At Home" for the next couple of weeks but that I'd still have to go to one office once-a-week. He said he'd be doing the same and said we should coordinate our trips down. I'm gonna be honest. I've obsessed over this statement more than I'd like to admit. Still haven't heard so I'm waiting to see what he'll say or if he'll just be there Tuesday. I can't work overtime for the next few weeks either. So we'll see. I told him I'd for sure be there Tuesday. We'll see if he shows up. I was just surprised he would go out of his way to see me. It felt like the first time he's made me feel like he wants to see me.

So my Ex and I have been chatting on Snapchat. And somehow the conversation turned to all the concerns I had after we broke up and never had the opportunity to ask him about. It was very cathartic! He was complimentary. But nothing too inappropriate. We talked about some sexual stuff but I made sure to keep it on the surface and mentioned that it shouldn't be discussed further. I mean it's so easy to slip back into the flirting stages with an ex. I have to be careful especially after Colorado.

There's really not much more to say about that. But as I look at my last part, why am I so controlled with Ex and not Obsession? *sigh*

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"

My world has been turned upside down with this Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. I am still at work though so thank God for getting paid. I'm nervous if/when they send me home, at this point I wouldn't get paid. It's possible as things progress and I'm selected to stay home they may continue to pay me. But it's unlikely and I know sending me home is inevitable at this point. 

This week has drained me. It started this weekend when I went to the store because we needed groceries. Talk about an unsettling experience! I'm still shook by it. Looking back I can understand why it was so bad in that moment. They had just announced school closures and the parents were making sure they had food for their kids being home. But either way, the shelves being empty was such a crazy site to see! The crowds, the chaos, the lack of necessities... It was all too overwhelming. I was pretty shook after our trips to the store. We started at one store that didn't have anything, and ended up at a higher end more expensive store. We were able to get some beef... 

*The above was written 3/19/20 @ 1:06pm*

So today is an important day for Obsession. His brother passed away 3 years ago today. I made him a card yesterday and was going to interoffice it, but something told me that wasn't ok. So I just called him at his desk this morning. We actually talked more than I expected. He usually wants to get off the phone as quickly as possible. But he seemed to want to chat, asked how I was holding up.  Said he just thought about me this morning because he saw my container I used to give him cookies the last time. We talked a good 15 minutes which for the phone is a record, in person we talk for hours. But I'm the one that shut down the conversation. I didn't want to lose my momentum of sorts. At that point I felt I was a breath of fresh air for his day vs. overstaying my welcomed call. If that makes sense. I told him I'd see him next week. I'm oddly sad that I won't get to see him this week. It's a rare thing not to see him at least once-a-week. 

I kind of miss him, but it's weird. The last time I saw him I felt I overstayed the conversation. It made me want to keep my distance for a bit. That's probably why I felt awkward about the card. Seemed like too much. A call is simple. Not too personal. I felt like he seemed more interested in people walking behind me than our conversation. Especially a girl in another department that seems to fit his physical type. She comes to hang out with the front desk lady in his area. She's beautiful but she's... kind of a ditzy. So it's hard to imagine he'd enjoy her company long term. Looking back though, she's interrupted his focus on more than one occasion. He and I share so much in common its kind of crazy. We share the same morals, even some spiritual similarities, and mostly we agree in how life is, should be and could be. Goes back to me just avoiding him for a while and see how it goes. I need a break from worrying about how he feels about me. Especially when life right now is so unstable!

So I'm still working during this Coronavirus Pandemic. It's odd that some people act like this is being blown out of proportion and others feel like we're all going to die. I'm somewhere in the middle. Not worried about myself, but others that may be impacted if my sickness gets passed on to them. And sometimes I wonder if the massive cold I had in February may have been COVID-19 but we'll never know. I had a dry cough, felt like crap, had a hard time breathing, went to the drs and was told I had bronchitis. I had a rough time in the beginning getting all my necessities but now that I have those, things have been mellow for a couple of weeks. It looks like the stay-at-home order is through the end of this month. And it's most likely kids won't return to school until next school year. Our entire way of life has changed lately. And I can't help but be excited to see the change in families spending more quality time together. Or the churches utilizing apps to allow people to stay connected. I've never been more grateful for Zoom and Marco Polo. lol 

My Husband Creature has really been great. He is doing what he can to help me. At first he seemed to revert back to selfishness until I explained my stress level and he has picked up where he can. He's now helping me go to the stores. We've talked about how things will change once we get our son's school packet and how I'll need his help. I asked him how I can help with him getting breaks, because he's stuck at home almost all the time now, and I at least get out and go to work. He works still part-time. But he hasn't been able to get out to his weekly game. I get the need to get out. And our son is stir-crazy so he's been challenging. My Husband Creature said he didn't feel he could ask me to do more without putting me out more than I already am. We're doing well with trying not to be self-focused and helping each other out.

Either way, life is different and new... I'm sure this event will forever change the way we as a society do things. But for now, just moving forward with what needs to be done. 

*Updated 12:55 pm* 
Weird... It just struck me that I haven't talked to Colorado in over a year! I was curious about him maybe a week ago. I looked him up on Facebook. Nothing really to see. It's crazy how someone that could matter so much suddenly is no longer a major part of my life. Makes me sad to think that Obsession will eventually become one of those people. It would be for the best for sure though. I still think about Colorado, wonder how he's doing now and then. But honestly, just wish him the best. If I lost contact with Obsession he'd probably just miss me for my cookies. lol And no, there is no secondary meaning in that.