¿ Attraction ¿

Well I did say in my last post I flip flop on my feelings for Colorado. I guess I've flopped. ;) I am still amazed that I can be soooo attracted to him even though he's my friend. I saw a recent picture of Colorado and he's just too adorable. He's just so ... cute. I guess I'm using terms that make it seem like he's cute in a kid sort of way but trust me that's not the case... I am very attracted to him. And it doesn't help that I really do enjoy his personality, even the quirks (Well obviously I like his personality since we're friends). After seeing this recent picture I found myself wishing I was closer, wondering if I lived there would we be in a relationship? I've come to the conclusion (as I have many other times I ponder this, yes, it has been many times hehe) that no... no matter how attracted I am to him, I still have a level of maturity that understands our differences would not make for a good relationship. That the friendship dynamic works for us, a relationship would not. Even though that selfish immature part of me just wants the gratification of getting what it wants. Who's to say Colorado would even give me what I wanted? Well honestly I know he has felt the same, at least at some point. I don't think I've ever experienced this kind of situation with a guy before.

Another new beginning

Hello Long Lost World. I'm baaaack!

It's been well over a year since I've written in this anonymous blog. I feel an update is necessary yet part of me feels like just diving into my current life and not reliving the past. But as I know that people who stumble across this blog may want to know the outcome of what I wrote about so much in the past. My ex and I finally broke the codependency bond. It was a tough time but it was the best for the both of us. He was the one to finally break down and tell me he couldn't handle my friendship anymore. It took a few months of not talking on the phone (we still rarely talk on the phone), and getting an email or two a week... Now we're at least back to chatting but even that is once a week if we're lucky. Somehow what I thought was impossible... was more then possible. I've lost interest in him, and we're no longer best friends! It could be because he has a new girlfriend now. But I'm not really interested in going over all that.

I am not dating anyone. And to be completely honest I'm perfectly happy about that! There are two men that currently hold my interest. Ironically enough both live in different states. Maybe I do that because it's safer. I'm not sure. One in Colorado and one in Washington. The one in Colorado has been around longer. He showed up in my life almost the exact moment my ex said he didn't want anything to do with me. There is a mutual attraction between me and (I'll call him) Colorado but I know it's best as it stands. Friends with an understanding if either of us could actually go through with it, we'd be ok having sex... The thing is... neither of us would be able to actually go through with it.

Washington is a new fling. He caught my interest while at work. He is someone I have to work with on a fairly consistent basis. We decided to exchange email addresses and chat info and have been talking on a fairly regular basis. I gave him my number the other day only after he gave me his. I don't believe it'll ever be anything more then a friendship though I do enjoy hearing his voice and his laugh brightens my work day and there is a fair amount of innocent flirting.

I've had more little flings in these last 6 months then I have had in a LONG time ... actually ever! There is a confidence I've gotten and yet I'm thankful I'm not desperate for a relationship because I could be in some pretty pathetic ones right now. I'm enjoying being single. I'm enjoying the freedom of flirting with anyone. I'm enjoying the endless possibilities of who is to come into my life next!

Though I will say Colorado stands far above most. He is the one I will probably talk about most in this anonymous blog. I flip flop on my feelings for him. Some days I am confident that I would not want him in my life any more then he already is, other times I do want him and appreciate him and admire him and even love him... Though sometimes I can't tell if that is just a friendship kind of love. It is possible that the attraction is the only reason I am confused about my feelings towards him. He is a great person and sometimes I'm bummed I don't live closer to him so that we can just hang out and laugh in person rather then over chat and the phone.

Well my eyes are heavy and are crossing so I guess that's a good sign I need to go to bed. I'm not sure how often I will update this blog. I have a lot on my brain I would like to share yet I'm just not sure if I will have the time to update as often as I would like. I don't believe it will be another year before I come back. hehe

Fairytale vs. Reality

"If this was a fairytale we would get married and we'd move to *undisclosed location* by the end of the month." This is what I was told when I admitted to my ex that I was still 100% completely in love with him and that for what it was worth I wanted him to know before he moved. "But we live in reality" is what came next. I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I actually didn't expect anything. In fact the response I got was surprisingly more positive then I expected. He stated that the best case scenario is we run off and get married and the worst case scenario is he makes fun of me for even feeling that way and us just being friends was somewhere in the middle. He said he felt we were between the upper 1/3 of fairytale ending and just being friends.

Somehow this made my heart soar! I'm even more twitterpated. I can see him being the same. He gives sweet tender looks; he's even more touchy, when he walks by giving me a soft touch on my shoulder or my back and keeps his hand there a little longer then normal.

The problem is ... this is reality. He will be moving at the end of the month. There is no chance for the fairytale ending. Neither of us feels ready for marriage. So we just wait and see. We wait to see how things unfold when he moves. They may not unfold at all.

Sleep Walking?

I'm still not sure what or how it happened. I woke up this morning extremely exhausted. It was still dark, it's always dark when I get up and get ready. For some reason this morning I was seriously having a hard time standing. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I noticed that the big hand was almost past the point of being late and I always try to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 9. I am almost done. I go into my room and go to grab my glasses and other stuff like my cell phone and I noticed the clock said 12:35am! What the....!?! I look at my cell phone. It says the same thing. Holy cow! This can't be right! How in the world did I wake up. I set my alarm for 4:45am! I pressed snooze and everything. Or did I? I started to doubt myself. I started to get creeped out. I started to worry what the hell was I thinking! I have 6 hours before I have to leave for work! I sat at the edge of my bed for a few minutes trying with everything in me to figure out what the heck happened. I gave up. Took off my clothes and tried to go back to sleep without messing up my hair and makeup too bad.

So here I am at work. Tired, zoned and wanting my bed. As much as I'm embarrassed this has happened I've been telling everyone. And some have asked if I'm under a lot of stress or anxious about something. Well last night I got into an argument with my sister. She is still holding onto hope for reconciliation for a husband that according to the bible is NO LONGER her husband. But she is still holding onto hope that some day he will realize the error of his ways and want her back. This thought sickens me. Why would *she* want him back!? And not only that, why is she sitting there hoping he'll want *her* back!? I argued because she was telling me she wasn't holding on and that she was letting go. I told her flat out not to lie to me. Maybe she's just trying to convince herself. But it bugs me that I can hear her lying and she thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it. I love my sister. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be with her husband. He doesn't love her and he won't make her happy. He hasn't seen the error of his ways. In fact he is now only coming around because his girlfriend got sick of his lies and is now moving away. How convenient that he's now suddenly saying "I'm starting to see..... " Bullshit! Starting to see... He should have seen immediately and came crawling back on his knees. Why would he try to pursue my sister? She's already his. And he knows it! I'm saddened by all of this.

I don't mean to make my sister cry. I want to be a support but sometimes I can't handle her viewpoints. I apologized and she's ok with me now. But I'm just sick that she even still cares for him as much as she does. She even is angry herself that she still loves him and wants it to work. But she seems to think that's God giving her an extra dose of love. As far as I can see it's desperation and not God. I could be wrong but a lot has happened. She's even walked in on him and the girl. That made her angry for 2 days. To the point of a divorce. Now she's back to just a legal separation and with how she talks sometimes I question whether or not she's even going to go through with that! The paperwork is in. I pray that it will be completed soon. She tries to be indifferent. I can see that. But then she allows herself to be put into positions where things will happen. I know that feeling. I did/do it with my ex all the time. If I wouldn't mind "slipping up", I stay at his house longer then everyone else. He's the one that has to be strong and hold out otherwise things usually just happen. But I put myself there. If I didn't really want it to happen, I wouldn't stay, I would leave. I at least know this about myself. I don't believe my sister sees this in her situation yet. But even if she does, is she willing to change it? She's already making thanksgiving dinner plans with him and the kids... WHY!? I have no clue.

Anyways, there is so much more but I'm at work and need to get busy.

Clandestine: Kept or Done in Secret

I was so proud of the title picked out for my blog. It was the perfect describing word for what I was going to use it for. But something happened last night that irked me! It's so sad that someone that I don't like very much, using a word I appreciate and means so much to me, makes me not want to use the word. It's a great word. But the context of which she used it was really... REALLY annoying. Needless to say, I have gotten over it enough to continue using the word and moving forward. I did feel the need to share it on this blog specifically.

My ex is meeting with his ex Wednesday evening. She is the one who used the word "clandestine" for their meeting which bothered me greatly. My ex is only meeting her so that he can set things straight for the sake of his friend/her brother and have her understand that there is no possible way they could get back together... Now that he and I are not together anymore I believe deep down inside she felt I was the only reason he broke up with her.... I know better but she's been holding onto this hope I believe since the moment I became his girlfriend. Her family had it in their head that I was this whore who seduced him away from her. Until I sat down and explained it to her brother who happens to be a good friend of mine too. I answered a lot of his questions and he realized in the end that they have been basing how they view me on incorrect information. The sad thing is I don’t believe his sister, my ex’s ex, really ever accepted that. I believe because of the abrupt end to their relationship she still feels I was at fault. Anyways, it will be interesting to see what happens with Wednesday and their “clandestine” meeting which isn’t so clandestine since I know about it. ;)

Anyways, onto other updates. My brother-in-law has left my sister, told the kids he no longer loves her and is in love with another woman. My sister is planning on filing for legal separation. And to be honest... that's enough about that. I'm so tired of dealing with it anymore.

My brother officially has a girlfriend. I’ve met her and she’s sweet and adores him which I think is good for him.

My ex and I have gone back and forth with physical affection. We again came to the conclusion that sleeping together is probably not the wisest thing if we’re trying to move on. So we’ve been good for a few weeks now. ;) I’m determined to stay away. The pathetic thing is I read back through this blog and my goodness we have failed plenty of times at staying away from each other for sex. But hey, we try at least. So my goal is to not sleep with him. Whether I’ve failed numerous times I need to keep that goal in my head. I don’t want to just say, “Oh why try, I can never seem to stop myself anyways.” We haven’t been alone in a private place yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Well I should get busy with work, though it seems that everyone in the office is having a bad day. I want steer clear of everyone!

Sometimes I feel I'm holding onto something I can't have...

My ex... He and I broke up over a year ago because of my spiritual beliefs. He was not capable then (and now) of being a spiritual leader. I have always desired a man that had the same faith if not more faith then I, who can encourage me to be devoted to God above himself. Well my ex and I broke up because we both knew that's what I wanted and he wasn't going to be that man. A year later and often slipping back into a sexual relationship with each other I find myself wanting him more then ever. Then with everything my brother-in-law has done I have found myself doubting what is considered a "spiritual leader". How can I say, "this man is a godly man and this one is not" when I have a brother-in-law whom I respected and looked up to for his spiritual leadership in my sisters home who has gone off the deep end and went off and had an affair? It has thrown my whole ideal out the window and has made me doubt that I made the right decision in leaving my ex. Mostly because after a year I still have just as strong of feelings for him as the day before I left him. Nothing has changed as far as where he is with God, though he goes to church and is committed to it.

So I talked to my parents about it. They actually understood where I was coming from and were just as confused. They see how my ex still treats me, which is VERY good, and they just don’t know themselves anymore. I started looking towards possibly getting back together with my ex. I spoke with him a week ago about “us” and he is still in the same frame of mind. “Nothing has changed between us, so why would it work this time?” I, of course, felt everything changed, considering that my whole ideal I now doubt as being possible and that any man could be the one God intended for you. But we’re on the same path, loving one another, wanting one another and not being able to go further with one another.

This week has been a hard one for me. I have found myself resenting the fact that I’m in love with a man that I can’t have. I resent the fact that he’s not willing to give it another try. And to make it worse, I respect him for standing up under my confusion because he understands my life is in turmoil and I’m not in any frame of mind to make this kind of decision. I resent the fact that I am not able to control these feelings and keep them to myself as my ex does. I am a girl, he is a guy. I understand that is a key factor.

We spoke again this morning and I finally came to grips with the fact that I know he loves me, I know he wants me, I know he needs me and this is just as hard on hime as it is me. He is frustrated he can’t get over me. I am frustrated I can’t get over him. This is why I question whether we’re even *supposed* to get over one another. If it’s been this long and neither of us can let go, are we really supposed to be fighting these feelings? Well until my turmoil stops I don’t know that I can make an educated decision. Right now it would be based solely on my emotions. I would hate for a decision to be made and then another year down the road I realize that the spiritual leader is still an issue.

So here I go, spending the weekend with my ex… Wondering if we’ll have sex… Wondering if he’ll even want to… Wondering if I will be ok if he is the strong one and says it would not be a good idea… Wondering if I should have more self respect not to have sex or hold it against him for being strong… I guess I will find out.

Barely Staying Afloat

There are so many things going on in my life right now that I am surprised I'm as sane as I am! I feel myself barely staying above it all. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and it overtakes me. I am on the edge.

With everything happening to my sister, my church, my love life, and a few other little things I realize that it can only be by the grace of God that I'm not off the deep end. He has to be giving me an unnatural strength to bear up under it all. I get nervous at times that I might just snap. My whole family is just barely hanging on.

My brother-in-law is a jerk. He has broken off his affair but has seemed to take on the roll of 'asshole'. He shows my sister NO respect and the worst part is my sister can't seem to fight it. She feels like she deserves it somehow. Or that just showing him love will win him back to her. She has told me at one point that she wants her husband to look back at this moment and say "you were the ONLY one that had faith in me, when everyone else thought I was a lost cause, I love you." But the thing is... I can understand her viewpoint. The problem though is that he's not being like that. If anything he's defiant about it all. Expecting my sister to cater to him and his needs! Instead of being humbled and pursuing her. He doesn't seem broken at all about it. He seems self righteous.

He has said that her fault in the marriage problems was a slow killing cancer and all he has done is amputated a limb (speaking through medical analogies). My question is... Which is worse? A slow killing cancer you can prepare for or the immediate removal of a limb you were so dependent on? And that limb being amputated with a dull knife at that! He says this is not justification for his actions but as far as I can tell it's all about justifying his actions! My sister so desperately wants her marriage restored. In some respects, at the cost of her own happiness. I think she feels its best for the kids.

Right now I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid that her husband will never respect her again. I just don't understand how a man I used to look up to could turn so evil in a matter of months! That someone I said "I hope to find a man like that" about, could be someone I could never respect again. It just doesn't make sense. Men have had affairs... When they chose their wife they usually come back humbled and humiliated. But my brother-in-law seems so cruel and evil. It's a night and day difference in personality. I sometimes wonder if he's truly broken it off with "the Other Woman"... Or if he's on some kind of drugs...

I pray that God will open her eyes or his, whichever it takes, though I'm less likely to hope for his return to the right path then her to turn away from him. But God would pray for both so I try. The hatred I feel for him is intense. And yet it's almost like he's dead to me.

My sister is visiting relatives in another state so he can get his head on straight. But in that time he has bombarded her with calls so much that she has told him no more and that he can call the kids to say goodnight but that's it... He has also called and said that he missed the kids and to send them home and worse yet he added... if you were submissive to me you would send them! What an @$$#*(%!!!!! These are the kinds of comments that make me think he is evil and has turned to the dark side. This is not the man I thought he was. Of course my sister said no way to sending her two children back home to him on a plane unattended accept by flight attendent! Either way these are the things I have been struggling to just let go. To just realize I can't change ANY of it! I have to let God do His work. Whether that means restoration of their marriage (please God no!), or my sister goes through a divorce.

I have to wait and love my sister unconditionally even when I'm starting to lose respect for her lack of courage and standing up for herself. I was in an abusive relationship a few years back and my family begged me to leave him and I couldn't. Some reason I didn't think I could live without him. No matter what they said to me I never left him. Then one day, whether all their comments finally sunk in or God just changed my heart, I felt like a lightbulb went on in my head and I walked away and never looked back! I never regretted leaving him. I was grateful I had. It took me 2 1/2 years to walk away. All the while my family begging me to leave him. I wasn't married with two kids either... So how would that change things? Would it make it easier to not think of myself but my children and the absolute disrespect for the marriage vows? Or would it make it harder? I'm inclined to think it would make it harder... So does this mean I have to be willing to hear all these horrible, evil things he does to her for 2 1/2 years!?! I am unsure. I remember there were good times in my abusive relationship. So far I haven't seen much good come from my brother-in-law since this has all come about.

Well this is just one of the many things I've been forced to face on a daily basis. I think I will leave it at this... I will explain the church and my love life in the next post.