This is the end, beautiful friend... This is the end, my only friend... The End...
Now that I've started to get over the struggle of being completely and utterly mortified. The realization that the communication will never be the same is starting to sink in. The realization that there was more to our emailing back and forth than I realized... As innocent as *most* of the emails were... I never thought I'd not have that opportunity. I've emailed Obsession for over 5 years.
Obsession's wife read our emails back and forth... ALL of them apparently. She was pissed and he had to reiterate that there was nothing going on. She was still angry and thought the emails were inappropriate and demanded that he tell me to stop communicating via email...
His email cut me to the core because there was no warning. It came out of the blue. It was so harsh... I wasn't even sure if our work friendship would be able to continue either.
Hi Clandestine,
This message is probably long overdue in all honesty. My wife read your messages directed at me in my work email. Although, I explained that it was nothing to be worried about, I must admit and agree with her that the emails were inappropriate from the outside looking in. From the perspective of a spouse, I can see and understand her point of view. I hope that you understand and ask that you respect my request and refrain from sending me messages via *email when content is not necessary for business. I know how this may be sudden and that is probably my fault for not saying something sooner and I apologize for that. Either way, I feel that you will understand and respect my point of view.
Sincerely,
Without knowing how he was going to treat me in person I read the worst in that email. I worried that he was also angry at my emailing him frivolous messages. I didn't cry... I just took a break, tried to breath, and felt like a complete fool. My mouth went numb. It was weird. I was mortified. I felt stupid. I wondered how much she actually read. I wondered a lot of things.
Then I realized God closed a door. And it was a good thing. He did it to protect me and my marriage.
I gathered courage and called my mom... I was embarrassed. I shared the situation and the history. She was kind. She prayed for me.
I tried to go back to work... I knew I couldn't reply. I knew I may see him the next day at work and had no clue how he would treat me. I knew I couldn't engage, that I'd have to let him approach me. I wasn't sure if he even would. I prayed and prayed... Asked for forgiveness... And prayed some more...
The next day I went to work. He wasn't in until later. As it got closer to his start time I prayed hard for courage not to be hurt if he avoided me. I had walked out to my car to get my charger and when I walked back in he was in the office next to the one I frequent talking to my old boss. I freaked. I prepared myself for him to walk past me and act like he didn't see me...
But he didn't. He came to my doorway and I was already shaking my head, mouthing how sorry I was. He asked if I got his email. I couldn't even make a sound, to the point he asked if I lost my voice lol I said... I just felt horrible that my actions made him have to go through that. He said he had no idea how his wife was able to read all of my emails but he said... I mean she read them ALL! Even the one where you admit you think about me all the time. But in that moment he couldn't push the question of how but had to deal with the issue at hand. And I apologized. He said it wasn't my fault. I told him it kind of was. He said that it was something he could have said something about, but he honestly didn't think it was an issue. I told him how surprised I was by his email, that I kind of expected something like that would be a conversation. He said that his wife required it. That she read it to make sure he did it. And wanted to know if I had replied or if he had seen me after the email was sent. He said he didn't want to send the email but his wife was pretty adamant and he said she was his spouse so he kind of had to. I actually couldn't hold back a light laugh but then was relieved. I told him I wasn't sure how he'd treat me in person based on the tone of the email. I asked if he needed me to just keep my distance in general. He said this wasn't high school. That he wouldn't treat me any different and told me not to freak out. lol And he actually made that clear when I went into the main office later and he seemed to make a point to treat me exactly the same.
He tried to tell her there was nothing going on. I guess she kept turning it back on him. That if he read the emails between her and a guy how would he feel. He had to be honest, he'd be upset. He said that he never engaged, sure it was flattering, but that he was always very careful in his replies when I would admit my feelings for him. I told him, exactly you never admitted to being attracted to me or anything. He said that's because he was always super careful and now he was really glad he was.
And now that I heard his tone towards me I can read that email and see how he was careful with his words towards me. "Inappropriate from the outside looking in" Meaning he didn't see it as inappropriate from his perspective. He said he wanted to write "Don't take this wrong" but then realized his wife would be angry that he was worried about my feelings over hers so he had to write it the way he did.
It hasn't been till there are things I want to share with him that I realize ... Damn... I'm gonna fuckin miss emailing him. Which means there was something I got from those emails. Instant gratification. He'd respond. He'd engage. I realize now looking back and how he treated me in person, I think he enjoyed our email chats as well. Based on how he would reply. We are so limited in person... This is really going to suck.
Then I think about the fact that this is a door that I know God closed, and He closed it for a reason. There was something forming between Obsession and I that was inappropriate. Especially since I can't really see the problem in my overshares. I think because I knew even though I am attracted to Obsession I love my Husband Creature and don't want anything to come between us. So I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. I clearly needed the distance. The separation.
And then I think about Obsession's wife's perspective and think... wow... I bet her heart was pounding in rage as she read my emails. I wonder how long it took her to confront Obsession. I wonder how that whole thing went down. She will hate me forever. I will never be able to build a friendship with her. I will always be the stupid girl from her husband's work that was inappropriate with her husband. Ugh... I hate that.
The above was written 1/25/24 5:27pm
So Obsession stopped by my door when he came in the following Friday. Which surprised me. He never really did that before so I appreciated the effort. In fact, I loved it! It made me realize that he wants to keep the communication going. But... last Friday his schedule changed. He works mornings now on Fridays. I was able to chat with him for a bit in the morning when I got in. I was happy to hear his schedule changed leaving him the weekend evenings to go out.
Then... I had another gut punch... I will be done working out of his office (the local office) on Fridays at the end of this month. Side note: He's going to New York for two of those Fridays. So now, I get one more Friday to see him... Then it'll be hit and miss. Maybe once-a-month at best...
I went in and talked to him because I was pissy with everything I had been hit with on Friday, so I vented about the other annoyances and we laughed and I felt better and realized again... Damn this is gonna suck not being able to have these conversations. So I asked if I could call him, or if I should just avoid him altogether. He said phone calls are tough because he never knows where he's going to be or what his availability will be. Thus why I always emailed him before.
*Sigh* A new level of bummed set in my gut and I became really sad on Friday. Foolishly sad. Obsession said we'll figure it out, that we'll have to stop by whenever we go to the other's respective locations and I was like, when are you ever at my location anymore? lol I think in that moment I realized he doesn't really care one way or the other lol Not like me. Then I felt foolish all over again.
This process has felt like a slow removal of a band-aid. I didn't get hit with it all at once. It's almost like God closed the door one section at a time. God knew how rough this will be on me. The big part was no more emails. Now no more time in the local office... Blah! But then again I realize it's for my benefit. For the benefit of my marriage. For the benefit of my heart. Clearly there was something inappropriate forming and I wasn't going to stop on my own. 2/6/24 1:30PM
5/23/24 - I haven't posted this for fear... Fear of what? I don't know. But I've held onto it. Rereading it. Embarrassed. Ashamed. But I reread an older post "An Explanation" and realized... The whole point of this Clandestine Blog is to be clandestine yet real... honest. I haven't posted because I'm embarrassed. But writing helps me process things. I have been a fool. I AM a fool. It's hard to believe it's been 5 months. I was correct. Everything has changed. I have tiny interactions maybe once-a-month at best. I miss him. I feel stupid for missing him. I go through a myriad of thoughts and feelings when he pushes to the forefront of my mind and then I shove it away knowing he probably hasn't noticed the lack of my presence. That it shouldn't matter even if he has. The distance is for the best... all around.
