Interesting Conversations

Yesterday I saw Obsession. We talked for 2 hours and could have kept going but I was already leaving late as it was. The song was brought up. I talked about how great things were with Husband Creature and how we both felt like this was the best year of our marriage. And then I said and then I do stupid things. He said oh like call me a "distraction"? With how horrible his memory was I was shocked he recalled that conversation. And I said that, and admitting what I did that time, and ... the song, that stupid song I never should have shared. He said he laughed. I turned bright red and told him I was embarrassed and he said "Good". lol He said he was going to text me something in the lyrics but decided against it. When I asked him what he said he couldn't remember. But something about the you may not be the one but you look like ... fun. He said that he got a little shy afterwards.  Then after a moment of awkwardness I said, ok... moving on. lol We had a discussion about our beliefs and God and Christianity vs Jehovah Witness. Pretty intense one. I had to find scriptures for him. So I sent them to him in an email this morning. But I asked him a question at the end and got (what I felt was) positive feedback.

Me: ... Also I have to ask… I know I feel like we’re friends but do *you* feel like we’re friends? Lol Or am I just that crazy coworker that gives you an ego boost? ;) 

Obsession: You’re funny, of course I feel like we’re friends. Why would you say that…?And no it’s not “an ego boost”. You’re fun to talk with, I enjoy the discussions. It’s refreshing…it gets slow in the office and hard to focus some times.  

Me: Lol Well good I’m glad. The reason I asked is because I’m an over-sharer… as we’ve established. Lol I lay my sharing cards out on the table and explain each one. You keep your sharing cards closer to your chest. So it’s not as obvious. Sometimes I’m left wondering… lol 

Obsession: You’re a good observer too. Yes, I’m less of a “sharer” I guess. Sorry you’re left wondering, I don’t do it on purpose. That’s probably my downfall, or at least one of them. 

There was more to each message but those are the important points. And points that I just realized have been established for the first time. I mean I always assumed. He always welcomed me with open arms. Draws me in and asks for me to sit and talk with him. I felt like we were friends but I can't text him, call him and rarely get to email him. So that's the odd part, that makes me feel like we're not quite friends.

Anyways, I'm super sick. I'm going home for the day.

I did something stupid... Again

I'm a fool - So it happened... The thoughts came out of my mouth... I knew it was wrong.

... ...

The above was written the day I shared with Obsession that not only was I attracted to him but that a song I recently started listening to reminded me of him. "Fun" by Selena Gomez. I did share it was inappropriate. He asked if he was blushing at one point, touching his face. Meaning it was feeling hot in the face. I didn't see the blushing. I did tell him in such a way as to downplay the attraction. (I recall telling him early in our friendship that he was someone all the girls thought was attractive. That didn't cause him to blush like me telling him I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm attracted to him.)

How it went down was I wanted to share the song, I hesitated and he called me out on my reservations. He said "I see you being calculated in your responses to me". I said it was because what I was thinking was inappropriate. He laughed and said "now we're talking! Do tell Clandestine". That's when my will power unraveled. I had told him I always seemed to overshare with him. He said he'd take that as a compliment. I told him my counselor had a theory about it, and that part was the compliment. I shared that my counselor felt that people share more with people they find attractive, that they somehow feel that person is more trustworthy. He seemed to ponder that but then said he would take the compliment. I think he mentioned blushing at that point. I told him about the song. He confirmed it, multiple times. But never wrote it down. We moved on about other things until he got a call and had to go so I left.

But I was still embarrassed and wondered what the heck I had done. Especially after I left. I was about to email him an apology but my sister (who knew how I felt about him and was the one that introduced me to that song) said it wouldn't be wise. It would make it seem more intense then I intended it to be.

I keep remembering how I swore to my Husband Creature that Obsession had no idea that I was attracted to him last year when he confronted me about the "Distraction". I'm disappointed in myself for going there. Even my counselor told me not to share that information with Obsession because it was dangerous for my marriage.

So yesterday I saw him for the first time since I opened my big fat mouth and I wasn't sure what was in store. I wasn't sure if he'd avoid me. If he'd bring anything up. Or act like I was a distant figure.  Which he has done in the past (mostly after his wife got ticked as us, me for texting, him for making me cookies). Thankfully he was friendly. We didn't get to talk privately but I was actually relieved not to. Though, looking back, he seemed *really* friendly. Made sure to give me a hug, both when I got there and when I left. When he thought I was leaving yelling bye and thank you (I had brought cookies, his favorite). We talked with another girl in the office for quite some time. He had a couple opportunities to walk away from the conversation, he would always stay or come back after being called away. We would be listening to someone talk and he'd respond to what they were saying while looking at me. When I shared an embarrassing blond moment he kept bringing it back into the conversation and teasing me about it.

All-in-all it was the best case scenario. My only prayer is he forgot about the song and all he was left with was the compliment that I was attracted to him. No one would be frustrated by that. Or think too much about it. Based on our conversations I've been clear, things are really great with Husband Creature. So it's not like I went too far aside from the song. I can only hope he forgot, and I'll never have to deal with that embarrassment. I figured if he heard the song he'd have maybe mentioned it. Somehow in code or something. But either way, he didn't seem annoyed or to be avoiding me, quite the opposite. That's the important thing.

Husband Creature and I really have been doing great. Communication. Sex life. Just enjoying each other, spending time together. It's been really nice. So I think that's why I was more frustrated with myself for mentioning anything to Obsession. Maybe it's because I felt safer sharing it. It's not like I think it's going to turn into anything. And I'm just grateful the dangerous part doesn't seem to be an issue like I thought. But I also don't want to go there again. I plan on keeping it real but not TOO real. lol

Flirting w/ Danger

Maybe I should nickname Obsession 'Danger' now... But I seriously am struggling not sharing the song "Fun" by Selena Gomez's to try to have him understand how I'm feeling... But I have no idea if there is a mutual attraction. I think there is. He's made a couple comments. He's also very hot and cold. I've noticed. Emails are limited communication. Phone calls are non-existent, like if I call him for anything he wants off that phone as quickly as possible. The only time I feel the interest from him is in person. That might be a guy thing, but it's rather annoying. 

Either way, he made a comment yesterday that made me pause. It wasn't exactly what he said but how he said it. I was commenting on how I overshare. And he said he has some crazy thoughts that he doesn't share but that I have no idea what's going on in his mind. We were making complete eye contact and I felt this electricity. And there were a couple of times I noticed a look on his face as he looked at me that I couldn't quite make out. 

Last week we hadn't seen each other in about a month. He seemed really happy to see me. He had me sit so we could catch up. We got on the topic of the coworker that passed. I shared how hard it was for me. He asked if it was because I felt I should have done more or could have stopped her from committing suicide. I said, not that, but that she and I connected, and I never told her how much she mattered to me. He smirked and said "It's ok 'Clandestine', you can tell me how much I matter to you." And I chuckled and said "You already know how much you matter to me". 

The problem I have Every.Damn.Time I talk to him is stopping myself from saying something stupid. And it's not subtle. I literally have to look down, shake it off and say 'moving on!' He has to know there stuff in there. But he's never pushed for me to say more. Thank God! My counselor told me that people tend to overshare with people they find attractive. I keep wanting to share that I'm destined to keep oversharing! 

It's like I *want* to play with fire. I seriously have to stop myself every time from just unloading all my stupid attraction to him. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to tell him!? Maybe I want him to tell me the feeling is mutual. But again, why?! 

Death

Someone from work died yesterday. I was a wreck. I didn't know her very well. But what I did know of her, she was awesome! When I started at this location early last year she welcomed me with open arms. Made me feel like I had an instant friend. I'm heartbroken...

Fast

So I've been on my fast for only a few days. There was a day that I felt completely drawn to reaching out to Obsession and I caught myself. I prayed and asked God to keep me away. It was almost worse than the sugar detox has been. Obsession has popped into my head a lot up until that day. I think that was the day before yesterday. Yesterday and today I've been OK. I still wonder a moment here or there if he's noticed my absence and has wanted to reach out. Or if I am an out of sight out of mind kind of person to him. But for the most part, I shrug the thought off and think, who cares? It shouldn't matter. He's no longer going to be a close friend. I need to keep my distance. The problem is, there is only 1 Monday this month and next month that I can work down in his office. He's off Mondays so it's easier to avoid him. These Monday holidays are killing my plan. I might see if it's possible not to go to the main building at all during those days I'm not going down on a Monday. But this next Tuesday I have to go to the building and so many people I love are in his office area. Maybe I could just avoid him? But that would seem so obvious to me. Anyways, slight dilemmas in my plan.

Husband Creature found out Obsession's lives local when I told him about his day at the local office. I still try to tell my Husband Creature when I see Obsession outside of the days I go to that office. Well when he was in my office, I shared with my hubby. I told him because of the weather Obsession stayed local. I hadn't realized I never shared he's from where we live. Husband Creature asked if we've met up and I told him no, never! But felt guilty about the hopes that some day Obsession would walk into Starbucks when I was there coloring... Again, the thought strikes me that I'm a horrible wife!

Well I thought I was doing better about not obsessing over Obsession, guess I'm not quite cleared of him. So moving on ...

I feel amazing. I want to remember how much better I feel eating only veggies and protein. I get up expecting pain in my feet and it's so minimal and so clearly because of my diet that I need to remember how this feels so I can maintain eating right. I've realized that the bulk of my weight gain occurred during my first year at this job. Since then, I've maintained my current weight for the last year, fluctuating 10 lbs. When I realized I needed to do something drastic was when I went 10 lbs in the wrong direction in the month of December, PRIOR to Christmas goodies. I felt like I gained 20-30 lbs, but looking back at my weight loss app, I only gained about 15 lbs since my dads heart attack in July. I think I just felt miserable and the weight gain started to impact my mental and physical health. Maybe everything started to weigh me down and the weight just added to it.

Either way, I feel good. My face seems to look less greasy and my eyes, brighter. I've lost 8 lbs which is kind of surprising and not my main focus. My main focus was focusing on self control and making sure I don't give in to my desire to eat sugar. Maybe Obsession is more the thing I need to pray and ask God to remove the stronghold he seems to have on me. Because God has clearly been helping me with my food. There have been fleeting moments where a shake or candy bar sound *really* good. But I haven't been too hungry. I couldn't give up dinners. Too hungry without the sugar and carbs. But I think because I'm snacking so much on veggies, it's been really good. But now that I'm on a roll, I pray and hope that this year is a year of lean, of self control, of freeing myself from this burden of weight. I want to be proud of myself, not embarrassed or ashamed.

I read something on Instagram just now, typically I get annoyed that people share anything text related on a photo sharing app but yeah... It struck a chord with me.

I'm really bummed that girls look at the sky and think " wow God is so amazing" but look in the mirror and think "ugh" as if He didn't make both. 

And it's true, I look up at the sky all the time and think, "Wow!" But then lately I've been looking at my reflection thinking... "Ugh". I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am... er... was miserable on the inside. I am definitely changing my perspective on life and have been super motivated and excited about the future. The thing I keep focusing on is how I want to feel and want to look. I want to see positive changes when I look in the mirror. And in this short time of fasting, I've seen a lot of positive changes.

When I look back at this last year, my current weight has been my standard weight for most of the year. I have less than 9 lbs to go to be the smallest I was last year. That seems doable. That seems like it's not that far away. So for now that's my short term goal. After that it'll be getting down another 20 lbs and then to what I was before I started this job which is about 40 lbs away! Crazy to me to think I gained 40 lbs in the first year here. I've been here just over 2 years! So this is the year I go back to me. I've got less distractions in every sense of the word. So we'll see what this year holds for me! 

He's not safe for my marriage

So I've gone to two counseling appointments. I was annoyed at the first one but got a couple things out of it so I decided to give it another chance. And I'm glad I did. Yesterday was a revelation day for me. I think first and foremost just going to seek help has made a shift in my perceptions and mood and for the first time in forever I feel hope. My therapist seemed to mock me that I felt healed, but I clarified that it was more like the onion analogy he gave me. I've pealed a layer and just as I typed this I thought of a deeper explanation. It's like I've pealed off that first ugly flaky layer of onion. Sure I've still got more layers to peal but that first layer is off. And for the first time in a long time I feel hope.

We touched on the topic of Obsession yesterday. I think that's one that still really bothers me. I was real, honest and even shared how I feel like a bad wife. He said I wasn't based on the information I shared with him. He mentioned Prescribing which would be to go to Obsession and be honest, that I don't mean to be inappropriate but that I find him really attractive. My therapist said that was one way to handle it. But that he didn't think that would work for me. That he feels that if things were unstable in Obsession's home life it might be detrimental to my own marriage. The therapist said that the fact that his wife is unhappy with our communication means that he has talked about me at home, that maybe she senses a connection between us as well. But that to help me look past this, would be to realize he's not safe. Sometimes when we are attracted to someone we automatically feel we can share more than we should. Which has happened numerous times with me. That I've shared too much which Obsession and found myself wondering why I did. It's because subconsciously we tend to feel the person we're attracted to is safe. Well my Therapist told me to focus on the fact that Obsession is not safe for me, in fact he's quite the opposite. He's harmful to my marriage. That shed a new light on the situation. Oddly, I knew he wasn't safe.But somehow realizing that he isn't safe to even talk to... I need to keep my distance. Which goes along with some other changes I plan on making this year...

So I am going to do the church fast. This year's fast I plan on eating protein and veggies only, no sugars or bread carbs. I am going to keep coffee but sugar free creamers, etc. for 21 days. I *may* fast dinners, but if I get hungry I'll allow myself veggies. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly excited about what strongholds God will help me break by doing this. One part of my plan is to avoid seeing Obsession during the fast if at at all possible and try to avoid contact. I tend to reach out randomly.

Yesterday I was proud of myself. I was down by his office and stayed away from leaving a note on his desk. I saw the picture of Minnie and Daisy that I put up in his office was out on the floor of his office and I think with his new furniture he's getting rid of it. Which made me kind of sad but in a way it's appropriate for him to get rid of it. I think there was something too personal about it being kept.

I saw him after the 18th briefly. I walked into his office and he was on a conference call. He barely looked up from his phone to acknowledge me. In a way I was disappointed but now I'm glad about it. I need distance. I need to NOT look at him as a close friend. I need to look at him as potential threat to my family, to my marriage. It's a hard shift, but one that must be made.

In my office

So... Obsession has been in the local office today. *Sigh* And we've been chatting off and on all day.