Getting stuff off my chest...

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a friend acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Discouragement + Emotional = :-(

As I drove into work this morning I noticed I had a pretty vacant expression on my face, a stark contrast from the usual grin ear-to-ear as I contemplate the most recent amusing moment. My day hasn't helped. I'm moody. Ready to cry, scream, whatever. Discouraged + emotional = sad.

This was written Friday... quite a change from today... But I'm still posting it.

sadist/masochist

I'm not saying I'm either. I just watched the film "Secretary" by Computer Geeks recommendation. I'm intrigued by this relationship-style. I can't say I know why Computer Geek recommended it, whether he's opening up about the kind of lifestyle he's into or if he just thought it was a good flick, which it was.

I'm a little hesitant to be honest in my post. Only because google has outdone themselves! A while back I gave him (Computer Geek) two lines to this blog so he can attempt to find it and if you pasted it into google search it could not locate the blog. Sadly I attempted this on Friday after my last post and poof * "Clandestine" becomes no longer clandestine! I have no idea if he's figured this out and it makes me nervous to be honest about his lifestyle only because some of the secrecy is out if he and another person know about this blog and have yet to share with me. I respect his privacy. I respect him.

So back to this movie. Is it a clear representation of what a dominant/submissive relationship is like? It seemed romantic. And with my very little understanding of sadist/masochist relationships I never could comprehend the draw. Unless this movie is a valid representation of it then I can see how people are drawn to it.

Anyways, just a quick entry on a subject I didn't feel comfortable posting to my normal blog.

Men...

It's that time again. Another post about the confusing men in my life. This sounds horrible but Computer Geek is getting laid and I'm jealous! Though I'm not into the kinky stuff he's into it still sucks just knowing he's out there getting laid and I haven't had sex or any form of physical affection in ages! heh Computer Geek and I have come to an understanding of what type of relationship we have. We both enjoy flirting but know it would never go any further. It's been A LOT of fun. I was concerned when he told me his "friend" was coming out to stay with him for a month. I thought it might change the way he treats me since I'm pretty sure this is his future girlfriend. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

Geek Photographer - Well I was right in thinking my feelings would change. He pushed me to a point that I thought about dropping him altogether. I read how I felt about him and I miss those feelings. I lost the ability to feel safe to be myself with him. He started teasing me... A LOT! Since I started to care about him, it impacted me more then it probably should have. I became angry and frustrated, which then in turn stopped me from being myself. For a good week or two I really just wanted to drop him but still couldn't walk away from the friendship. Finally I broke down and confronted him in an email. His response was short and didn't really have any bearing on how I felt but I think just getting it off my chest really helped aleviate the need to make sure he was ok with me. Since then things are back to normal. I finally got my head out of my ass and decided that if he didn't like me for who I am he wasn't worth having in my life. Oddly I know he likes me (friend or otherwise) and the teasing is his way of "chasing the girls around the playground" as Computer Geek puts it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Burbank - I broke down and called him a couple weekends ago and we had an absolutely fantastic conversation! And the following week he called me just to say hello! So things are good. I know he's stressed about his lack of job and it makes him a pretty depressing person to talk with. But when I called him he was surprisingly honest about where he's at emotionally. And it helped me have more grace for his situation.

Older Guy - Offered to let me stay at his place while he was back East visiting his family and then accidentally locked me out of the house. It was quite entertaining. But he felt horrible. He cleaned out the spare room for me and everything. He wants me to help him with his new business venture. I've told him I'd be glad to help out on the weekends I'm free. He's turning out to be a good friend. I no longer have the physical attraction I did early on in our friendship. And it's been a good year since we've been friends. It's kind of cool.

Washington - He and I had a bit of a unique text conversation a little over a week ago. We've always done the sexual inuendos but this was full on sex texting. I feel a bit awkward about it now only because it's obvious this wasn't the first time he thought about doing stuff with me. hehe I should have known. It's opened a new avenue to our relationship. I know we're both curious about what it's going to be like to meet up in person, especially after this.

Well I'm off

Slightly Surprised

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.

¿

Right now I'm thoroughly enjoying life. I'm still as confused as ever about the men in my life.

Colorado - Just informed me yesterday that he proposed to his girlfriend and that his wedding is possibly going to be the same day as my ex! But I'm really happy for him.

Burbank - Invited me over for Valentine's Day. Made me dinner. Even bought me a gift. But almost seemed to go out of his way NOT to make any physical contact! hehe No clue what to think of this guy.

Washington - Totally adorable. Sent cute messages on Valentines Day. Even sent a picture of a bouquet of roses since he knew no one else sent me anything, which I think he was quite surprised about actually. I look forward to meeting him in person.

Computer Geek - Has suddenly peaked my interest above all the others (at this moment in time), I switch my crushes easily. But lately he's been really sweet. I even gave him a hint to the name of this blog. Not sure if he ever found it. I'm pretty confused. He was teasing me about a new guy in the office and how I should hook up with him. I asked if he wanted me to stop flirting and he said I don't flirt with him. I realized then that he really had no clue I went out of my way to get to know him.

Touchy Feely - Has finally gotten the hint I think.

Older guy - Been kinda MIA but has picked up in the last day or so. The girl he's seeing in Arizona was going to come out for Valentine's Day and they got into an argument. He says it's over. I say she'll still keep coming back for some reason. I know he's charismatic.

This post was ready to publish with minor finishes so here it is, posted late... (It says it was posted 2/20/08 but that's when it was started and never published, I'm publishing it today 3/12/08)