Clandestine

Chemistry - I can't imagine it's just me

2011-03-18T09:51:00.001-07:00

So... I'm thinking it's probably best that I don't hang out with Latin Lover anymore. Even in coworker settings. Last night we all went out for a coworkers farewell and as much as I love, absolutely adore, my Boyfriend Creature... I'm still feeling major chemistry between Latin Lover and myself. I had invited Boyfriend Creature to hang out with us all which would have, I think, cooled off any chemistry.

It's odd because at work it's very minimal! I mean like non-existent most of the time. I think maybe random occurrences here and there but few and far between.

Last night was intense and it freaked me out.

We just had a moment

2011-01-31T21:21:00.000-08:00

Our eyes met, we both were slightly smiling, held each other’s gaze and it took my breath away. I'm still shaking it off. The chemistry is undeniable.

He wrote me a song. I made the list...

... Unfortunately being on that list means the song must not be very nice. But the implications of being on that list are hard to ignore. He told me it was a hurtful song or more like he was just being a jerk when he wrote it. I really don't think I can handle hearing it. It sucks knowing it’s out there because he says I'll never hear it.

We're friends again. In fact, he's gone back to normal. He asked me to go to lunch with him last Friday. I told the now Boyfriend Creature to make sure he was ok with it. Part of me felt like I was cheating. Part of me wonders if I felt that way because there is still too much chemistry between Latin Lover and me to play naive. We talked at lunch. He said he asked me to lunch to apologize for his behavior and that I was too good of a person to be treated the way he had and that he never wanted to take me for granted again. Later that day he said that if I put up with his harsh treatment and still wanted to be his friend it must mean I’m a true friend.

So how is it, that I still really like him? What is this hold he has on me? After all the cruelty and rude, harsh comments why am I so happy I'm back in his good graces? Shouldn't I be more afraid of being treated like that again?

I don't want to fuck anything up with the Boyfriend Creature. Boyfriend Creature is incredible, amazing, and loves me for me, fully and completely and without reservation. I feel like I can truly be myself around him. I feel like screaming at myself “Please, oh please, don’t ever do anything to fuck this up!”

Official

2011-01-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

btw... I love my new theme for my blog! :D

So it's official. Boyfriend-like Creature is now officially Boyfriend Creature minus the like. And one possibly moving into the Husband Creature April 28, 2012 if all goes well! He hasn't officially proposed but we both know we're MFEO (Made For Each Other)! LOL! Yeah ok, silly. He's pretty fantastic. It's hard to fathom that this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But though its surprising it doesn't freak me out. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's the one. My mom always told me I would just know, and well I never understood what she meant and it's hard to explain how I know... I just... do.

Latin Lover and I have been chatting more at work the last couple of days. Nothing serious just casual chit chat. He seems to be more open to the idea of chatting than talking face to face and that's ok with me. Though tonight if I didn't know any better he was throwing it out there that he didn't have anything to do tonight. In the past I would have jumped on that and offered to hang out or go shopping with him. It's different having Boyfriend Creature in my life. I no longer want to be around Latin Lover in an innapropriate way. I'm not even talking sexually, but just being alone.

New Beginnings

2010-12-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

I really wish I had more time to write. Life is chaos especially with the holidays. But I find today I'm having a hard time focusing. I really want to get some things off my chest. Writing in my journal doesn't seem like enough somehow. Or maybe because I'm at work it looks more obvious that I'm not working? Or maybe my fear is someone will actually read this entry in my journal and know it's me.

I'm seeing someone. He's a really amazing guy. I would say we started talking in late October but met mid-September. Sometimes I wonder if things with Latin Lover had to end so I could be open to the idea of this guy. Yet, even now, having fallen for Boyfriend-like Creature as I call him, I'm still drawn to Latin Lover. I guess there was more of a connection between us than either of us realized.

Latin Lover and I didn't talk for a good couple of months. But we finally had a breakthrough conversation November 17, and yet two months later he still barely even acknowledges my existence. I'm not quite sure what his issue is. The talk went really well! I found out that everything I've been feeling was true. He cares a lot about me and that the distance was really hard on him.

With all the talk and how things have so slowly progressed I feel like there must still be too much between us. I can tell because I get nervous when I think about him knowing about Boyfriend-like Creature. It took me forever to let Boyfriend-like Creature stop by my work where people could see him. One: because Latin Lover hated me bringing in people to the office. Two: Because I didn't want my Boyfriend-like Creature meeting Latin Lover. That in itself makes me wonder if I'm ready to be in a relationship. Last night as Boyfriend-like Creature and I were shopping he told me he thinks he saw Latin Lover. My heart stopped... He told me it was when he stopped by my work. He saw Latin Lover watch us through the reflection. I felt sad. Worried about what Latin Lover felt.

This is where my heart isn't sure what to feel. I desperately want to talk to Latin Lover and part of me doesn't know how wise that is. He treated me like I was the plague earlier this week and sometimes I wonder what I do to push him away. Part of me wonders if his feelings get more intense so he pushes harder. I invited him to the play I'm putting on tonight, a couple weeks ago I told him how much I'd appreciate him coming and he said he would try, yet with how he's treated me this week he won't show up. If he does, I would seriously faint! I have decided if he doesn't show up and is at the office when I get done I will stop by. Ok so the decision isn't made but I'm mulling it over.

Anyways going back to him treating me like the plague, it really got to me, to the point that it ruined my day. This concerns me. I've always been a people pleaser, part of me feels like I can explain it away with that. But, for obvious reasons, Latin Lover affects me in a deeper way. And this bothers me, especially since Boyfriend-like Creature is now in my life.

So lets focus on the positive aspect of Boyfriend-like Creature. He's amazingly sweet, caring, giving and all that usually makes me gag about romance. He's a romantic to such an extreme that sometimes I find myself annoyed or thinking he's gotta be fake! Yet, he's gone to my church for 5 or so weeks even though I'm not in the service and busy with play practice. He's shown spiritual growth on his own without any prodding from me. He gave his life to Christ December 12th. I asked my parents if they had any concerns and specifically requested to have their blessing before pursuing an official relationship with Boyfriend-like Creature. I've gotten their approval to move forward but not an official green-light but more like a yellow-light. It's odd to move forward with a relationship seeking my parents approval being 33 years old but considering how many times I've screwed up and this isn't a light decision I wanted their blessing.

I have all but to make it official. I planned on doing something cute on Christmas Eve but he's been pressuring me to do that to the point that I got frustrated about him pressuring me into doing what I already had planned that it made me not want to do it that way... I'm still frustrated. Even last night and today I'm still annoyed with the fact that he kept pushing and pushing and it made the surprise no longer fun or exciting. So I guess I'm gonna have to wait for another plan. Because right now it doesn't feel right to make it a Christmas present. Part of me wonders if I'm being a spoiled brat not to want to do what I was planning just because he keeps suggesting it without knowing it was part of my plan.

When I'm with him I get lost in my emotions for him. I really do care about him. Even love him. But his speed almost scares me. He was fighting telling me he loved me within weeks of us showing a mutual attraction. I think I'm going to surprise him Thursday and ask him to be my actual boyfriend. I wanted to do something silly like have a gift tag on me that says "Would you be my boyfriend?" With checkboxes for Yes and No... But knowing his playfulness he's select "no" which for some reason would bug me. Or maybe I should just ask him outright. I'm already on edge about taking this step. I'm apparently scared to death of commitment! Who knew? I guess thats why I always go after the unavailable men.

I wish I felt better about things.

Time Flies

2010-11-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe July was my last post. But I guess looking it appears my post was late July and it's early September.

I just had a birthday last weekend. I'm 33 years old. I'm not sure if I have shared my age on this blog. I'm currently working so this post will probably be put off here momentarily. I'm waiting on someone to fix something so I can continue my work. It's hard to reflect on the last year of my life. So much has changed, I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, been hurt a lot, cried a lot, bettered myself in a lot of ways. So I can't look back at a year of my life with any form of regret. I'm genuinely happy.

Work beckons me...

Well the above was written on 9/9/10 and even more changed the very next day. Its surprising how quickly and drastically things change. The week after my birthday was such a wonderful one with Latin Lover and me on a purely friendship level! He wrote me a birthday song and later the next week we spent time recording music, and just having a genuinely good time hanging out.

The quick and abrupt change occurred September 10th. It's almost been 2 whole months since Latin Lover decided to no longer talk to me. He went on his trip out of the country and right before he did I confronted him and he told me he couldn't figure out where I fit into his life so he was giving up up, he was done trying. That was September 15th. I didn't understand the seriousness of his statement until I saw he deleted me from his friends on Facebook and blocked me on Skype a few days into his trip. I had no idea that when he returned from his trip, he would continue to ignore me unless he *had* to interact with me for work related purposes.

In all honesty, it was overwhelmingly devastating. I'm writing about it almost 2 months later so my mood about it has subsided. I get sad, but the first month I was beyond depressed. I was overwhelmed with the grief. Here was someone I valued above all in the office and to some degree outside the office and he threw my friendship away with vengeance. It stung like hell and was a continually reopened sore every time I went into work and saw how kind he was to the others. And that he could't even make eye contact with me and when he did, felt like he was willing blades to pierce through my heart. The cruelty was horrific. Little stabs here and there, seeing him go out of his way to shove me out of every area of his life was very hard for me.

(sigh) Yes, the wounds have not yet healed. I've slowly come around though. Slowly come to realize that this is how he felt he needed to handle the situation. I realize now that it was an unhealthy relationship/friendship. Especially with how painful it was to have him throw it away and how emotional I was about it, meant that it meant much more to me then I should have let it.

Though what's the saying, "out of ashes..." I've learned a lot about myself. It's been an amazing journey, very emotional, I had some very low points in the first month of the cut. But in the last month I've slowly been able to turn around. Accept the reality of the situation. Understand that though I disagree with his way of handling the situation I have to respect that it was what he thought he needed to do. Knowing how hurt I was when he did it, made me realize my feelings went deeper then just friendship so it was for the best. He proposed to his gf and I genuinely hope he's happy. I still hope that someday we'll be able to be more than we are, but I don't ever expect to be anywhere like we were and that's a good thing. I'd settle for even a fake friendship which is what I know he has with everyone at the office. I am even lower then that to him right now and that hurts. And sadly I have to admit it's a blow to my pride, I wonder I wonder how could someone throw my friendship away like that? But I've grown so much from this situation.

Anyways, that's all I have time to share for now. I'll do my best to update soon.

A New Leaf

2010-07-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to feel or say right now. Not sure if I should even share. So much in my life has changed since my last post. I spiraled out of control there for a while. I felt seriously disturbed. I know I really should share all the things that happened in the last couple of months but honestly, it's the past... I'm moving on and hopefully to better days.

I became really self destructive, especially to my emotional well being. I became so wrapped up in drinking and having sex and not realizing how damaging it was to my self esteem. I would have thought that I was doing better because here I was getting these guys to show me attention that I thought were out of my league, shouldn't that make me feel better about myself? Yeah no, not when the sex was meaningless.

I am sometimes really disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up for my behavior. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. Sadly the wrong way. The painful way. My heart has been broken. Not shattered, maybe just a new crack here and there. But we all know those little cracks add up... My heart got involved with both The Drummer and Latin Lover. I read a book recently that labeled it an unhealthy soul-tie.... You attach yourself to someone that you should never attach yourself to. I gave my heart so surprisingly to Latin Lover which was especially odd because I never felt fully safe with him. How did I ever let my heart go that far?

Guess it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm on the mend and trying to stay out of trouble. The odd thing is I'm sitting here on the beanbag in the middle of the room at the office, while he's working at his desk. Yes, Latin Lover and I are hanging out tonight. I'm not sure how to feel about our friendship. It means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy but I think because we work together, it's what I need to make it through it I guess. I'm not sure. We'll see what the next two months bring. He is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of 8 years. So more power to him.

I just know there is someone out there... Someone that will love me for me. My laughing too much, my insecurities, me on my good days and me on my bad days. Someone will want to spend every waking minute with me. Someday... Someone out there will love me. And I don't mean that to sound sad. It's actually very hopeful. I am genuinely content and looking forward to when that person (whoever, wherever he is) comes into my life.

For now I'm going to keep myself out of trouble and continue to grow as a person. I've done a lot of personal reflection in the last couple of months. I've been disturbed by my own behavior and I knew there was something wrong about it... Now that I'm on the right path I can hold my head up higher. It's a good feeling.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I post again. But for now... Goodnight.

Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends, Fuck Friends

2010-05-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

What is it about U2 that makes you thoughtful? I don't know. I just got back from my walk. The moon is very beautiful right now, so are the clouds, beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow as the sun is setting with a twilight sky. (Sigh) I'm very sad right now. I spent the bulk of my walk ~~crying~~ bawling. I really need to stop breaking down on my walks because I'll start avoiding them. I'm not sure what happens on my walks, maybe it's because all I have with me are my thoughts. I broke down nearly halfway through my walk and couldn't stop till I was almost home. I'm very sad and lonely. Maybe heartbroken is the best word to describe it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one making the effort. I feel sometimes so desperate to be peoples friend that I do everything I can to make that person want to be my friend back only to be disappointed and let down.

Latin Lover says that he chants "Fuck friends, fuck friends, fuck friends"... I'm inclined to agree with him. And would even be including him in my list of friends I'm saying that about. But as I stumbled down the street crying so hard I could barely see and hoping nobody would see me, I thought “Everyone lets us down, the only person that won't is God”. Of course, in that moment a wave of guilt washes over me and I started crying even harder. My relationship with God is so distant. Yet, I know the only thing I need to do is seek Him but I'm so physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now I have no idea how to even go to Him. It's horrible to think I don't have the time for God. But if I'm honest, that's the truth. I keep thinking of that “Footprints in the Sand” poem. I know that’s the situation right now, God is carrying me through this time. Yet I feel so alone.

Why is it that sometimes you just need that tangible person, someone who will hold you and tell you that you're ok, faults and all? God can do the same thing. I've experienced it quite a few times. But right now I'm selfish. I want that physical person. I want to feel loved, cared for, desired, and accepted as I am.

I'm so drained right now. I partially think I'll just crash early tonight. Another issue I've been dealing with is lack of a good night’s sleep. Once I got past my brother's emergency wakeup calls at 3:30 in the morning, I just kept thinking too much, having nightmares, and waking up before my alarm by hours for no reason. Then when my alarm would go off I've slept through it a couple times!

The last time I broke down on my walk I realized that I wasn't who I wanted to be but that I needed to stop running from who I am. Tonight as I walked along crying I honestly thought, "Ok, so I've come to grips with who I am and have decided to accept myself as I am, will anyone else?" Yes, I'm talking about a relationship.

I've been recently interested/involved (at various levels) with 3 different guys, each in their own right, good men. All seem unavoidably unavailable! What's with me and unavailable men? the Drummer is not the kind of guy I should be involved with. Latin Lover, well there are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't be involved with him. Yet I feel the most desperate to be near him and get to know him. The Setup is in every way the perfect fit for me. He's a great guy, shares my beliefs, we have a great time when we hang out, yet I can't avoid the feeling he's JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I don't know how many times I've written him off only to hear from him asking if I want to go out again. I always say yes, with a twist of hope and the time together is always great... Then I don't hear from him in forever.

(Sigh) I'm just so tired of feeling unwanted, undesirable and uncared for, especially the feeling of not being worth the effort. In both friendship and relationships, but right now I’m referring specifically to relationships! I'm tired of one superficial relationship after another. The last serious relationship I had was when I was with Ex and how many years ago was that!? For a time I really did enjoy the casual dating scene. I've gained a lot of confidence in areas where I didn't have ANY. Yet, when will someone feel the desire to be with me, flaws and all, for better or worse?

I'm drained, so I know my emotional outlook isn't very healthy. But I just need to express it... Get it off my chest, in hopes that I will be able to let it go. Blah! U2 - Achtung Baby playing on my ipod as a sad soundtrack to this moment in my life. Love is Blindness... How appropriate... (Sigh) I think I’m done ranting for the moment. I’m hesitant to post this on my public blog. I’ve considered posting it to my anonymous blog. Not sure why I’m doing this but here goes; another very real blog entry.

I think I need counseling

2010-04-22T15:03:00.001-07:00

So... I'm not sure where to go with all this. I'm wondering if I need some counseling. I'm not sure why I'm in this self destructive mode. Honestly I'm not sure how self destructive it is. In fact I'm quite confused about things right now. I think that's why I feel the need to talk to someone, someone not in my life, someone who won't be so shocked by my behavior or impacted by my behavior. Someone who can give me an objective view of my actions and what could be going on deeper inside to make sense of it all.

The thing is, my sexual lifestyle has dramatically changed in the last 6 months! I mean drastically! And surprisingly it's exactly the 6 month mark. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe this means I'm done. Hopefully I got it out of my system and I won't feel like such a slut.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've never been one to sleep around, yet I've also never had the opportunities like I do now. I guess I should share what I'm talking about before you think I've slept with a different guy every day of the week. The thing is, I haven't! In fact, my list of sex partners now reaches 5 and this bothers me greatly because two were added within the last couple of months. By normal standards this isn't shocking, but for me it is.

So we all know my first partner was my Ex. He and I were in a relationship for months before I decided to go forward with losing my virginity. That was back when I was 24. I'm now 32. Wow I've never talked about my First Boyfriend on this thing!? Either way, my first ever boyfriend and I did everything but intercourse so if you wanted to argue he was a partner then fine the list goes up to 6. Then I screwed up and slept with Burbank back in 2007. It was a long time before I had sex again. Well over a year!

It was with the Drummer back in October of 2009. As I've made it clear, he and I tried to be good but we kept going. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with The Actor in late February of this year, 2010. Here's where my behavior gets weird.... I slept with The Actor not thinking anything was going to happen with the Drummer ever again. The Drummer and I had been avoiding each other ever since he treated me like crap on his birthday.

So March 26th I hung out with the Actor again when he came down for a movie he was the lead in. I told him we weren't going to have sex and if he didn't want to hang out then I'd be ok with that. He still came over, but I could tell he was pissed. We slept in the same bed and I found it difficult not to go for it... And sure enough in the morning I said screw it, and went for it. It was miserable. We never even kissed it wasn't even satisfying. Blah... So I was disappointed in myself, and felt gross.

That day I get a text from my bossom buddy who reminded me I was supposed to go to a show with her that night and that our designated driver was The Drummer!!! I totally spaced this show. Well it was a fantastic night. The Drummer was all sorts of adorable and attentive with me. And I got plastered! We joked around and made plans to have sex that night. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I had slept with someone just that morning. By the time we got back to The Drummer's place, it hadn't even been 24 hours since I'd had sex with another man!

This concept seemed so foreign to me that I thought it would never happen to me! I was shocked! But The Drummer means so much more to me, and the sex is just so fantastic it's hard not to do it when I have the chance. Before you think I'm a cheap whore, you may be glad to know I talked to the Drummer about how he treated me on his birthday before we had sex. Sure enough he felt really bad, he hadn't remembered what he said. The night was incredible, intense as usual and very intimate. We fell asleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night to go at it again. It was rough and intense and he even bit on my neck so hard I got a bruise that lasted a week! It was awesome!

I woke up and went to church and realized the concept of sleeping with two men in less then 24 hours was not a good thing. That I had a serious problem. The idea of sleeping with the Actor again was just silly. There's no chance of that happening again. In fact, I really don't ever expect to hang out with him when he comes down again.

So The Setup at this point has been really confusing. I got a text from The Setup like Saturday when I was visiting my brother in the hospital and he wants to get together soon, we've set tentative plans for Sunday but I'm definitely not holding my breath!

I don't regret sleeping with The Drummer. He and I truly care about each other. The Actor is a horrible partner and well he doesn't even care about me nor do I care about him!

Since the 27th though I have found out The Drummer is now seeing someone. He wouldn't sleep with me at the last show and that's when I found out. I walked into the garage where he was talking to her. I felt completely uncomfortable. I told him so, and he admitted to being uncomfortable about hearing about The Setup at the St Patty's Day show I was at.

It was sweet. He talked about how much he cared about me, when I said we both knew it could never turn into a relationship he corrected me and said it could have, but that it wasn't probably going to be till death do us part. That if he were able to join my church then that's all it would need to work, but that he didn't think he could do that but if he could, we'd get married and my brother would just have to be ok with that. I was really surprised by this admittance but one thing I will say about The Drummer is that he does care about me. No matter what these other guys make me feel. The Drummer really does make me feel loved and cared for... Even if it's dysfunctional.

So... I've been living life. Not thinking about anyone or anything. Not worried about a relationship, or the concept of sleeping with someone or how long it will be before I will find someone. I've just been happy. Dealing with school, my brothes illness and work!

Burbank came up this week to get some stuff out of my garage. He kind of hinted that he wanted to fool around but I wasn't having any of it.

So I went up to San Francisco for work Sunday - Wednesday. I guess I should give some background to this new guy. He's my coworker, and one of my friends labeled him for me as: Latin Lover, so that's his nickname.

Either way I got this job back in February, I immediately noticed him and was immediately intimidated by him. It took me a while to get comfortable enough to start getting to know him. We moved to a new office shortly after I was hired and it was there that we found our musical tastes match! It was our starting point. I was immediately drawn to him. He's very good looking. I wanted to get to know him better but wasn't sure how. He was fairly quiet and reserved.

As time went on Latin Lover and I got to know each other more. He played me one of his songs, he plays the guitar and sings and I seriously told my friend after leaving that night that I got weak in the knees and told her I was in trouble. That was the point that I realized I really liked him and that I would have to keep a level head not to let the crush get out of control.

Back to my San Francisco trip. We all go, our entire office. Latin Lover and another guy flew along with the boss, and me and two of my other coworkers drove up. We all stayed at the same hotel but we were all on different floors.

Either way the first night it seemed like Latin Lover wanted to hang out with me. He'd been drinking. And the sexual tension was definitely there. At one point we went out for alcohol and our coworkers I think wondered what was really going on. Like they didn't really think we'd come back.

*** The above was written in late April sometime, it's now May 29th, 2010***

So lets sum up this story. Basically I noticed sexual tension between me and Latin Lover the first night there but honestly thought nothing of it. Then the next night I found out I wasn't going to see him and was actually kinda bummed, but made the best of the night and went out with my boss and another coworker. Turns out Latin Lover ended up at the same party. I was already drinking heavily and became extremely touchy feely with him. He didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to like it and became affectionate as well. I realized I was in trouble so I decided I needed to walk back to the hotel but he didn't want me to walk by myself and also didn't want to leave the party because our other coworker was having such a fun time. Latin Lover was so sweet, he helped me find a seat and sat with me for a bit. I started to sober up.

We walked back to the hotel when the party started to die down. I got back to my room and sure enough he got online and we started chatting. I noticed he seemed to make an excuse to come to my room, which was because I needed water and hadn't gotten any and I would need it to help with the hangover. So because he "cared" he was bringing me some. He comes to my room, I feel awkward because I'm in pjs, no makeup and trying desperately to be a good girl. He leaves and I take a BIG sigh of relief.

Then we get back online together chatting it up and then I make the silly choice to let him know I was proud of myself for being good. He asked me howso and when I told him that I didn't attack him like I wanted to he asked why not, I told him I didn't want to embarrass myself or make him have to push me away, jokingly. He then tells me he forgot something and before I knew it he was back at my door knocking.

My mouth dropped open, my heart was pounding, he stood to the side of the door when I looked out but when I opened the door he came in, the door shut loudly and I was embarrassed by that and when I leaned back he came forward and I remember saying something about being bad, he said that I was being bad as he grabbed my face and started kissing me. It was intense and I was in shock the entire time. I couldn't believe it was happening.

We went all the way. I felt uncomfortable as soon as I realized what we'd done. He was a coworker, he had a girlfriend. Two VERY big reasons why I should have kept myself from letting this happen. I felt a little cheap too. He wanted to get up right away and leave. I realize he had his own guilt to work through. When I asked about awkwardness he said we were both adults and we should be fine.

The rest of the trip we treated eachother like nothing happened. Still to this day we've only discussed it once! In that discussion we were able to share that we both felt it was a mistake. I was relieved for a time. Then there would be those random moments at work where I'd feel that electricity and it sucks! The look in his eyes, so intense. I can't ask him how he's feeling, because I don't want to continue on that path! Part of me does, another part knows it would be unhealthy.

We're trying to be friends. It appears to be working. I have moments where it's really hard on me. I sometimes wonder if its healthy to try to be friends. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him how he feels about me, have him tell me he could care less about me and maybe that would help. Another part knows he does care about me, not enough to make a relationship between he and I though. So why put that uncomfortableness between the two of us?

This last week I went through a rough time of it. The next post was written during the breakdown of that week. I still have no idea what's going to happen between Latin Lover and I. I think we're on the road to putting our stupidity behind us. My crush is manageable at the moment. He seems to be working things out with his girlfriend. And for now that's what's important.

Random interaction on Lombard Street leaves a lasting impression

2010-04-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I've been in San Francisco for work this week. I hadn't had much opportunities to go explore the city but last night I went with my friend Northern Cali. Either way, he came up to San Francisco with his girlfriend to hang out with me. We just drove around but ended up on Lombard Street. I am not sure why I felt the need to go but after my interaction I will say I'm so glad to have left San Francisco with this memory.

I got to the bottom of the most famous part of the street and got out of the car to take pics. A guy on a long board came up to me and asked if I saw the interaction between him and a car that just drove by. High as a kite, kept telling me "Happy 420". But he was making me laugh. I listened to his story about him taking his time crossing the street because he was the pedestrian and pedestrians have the right-of-way and how as soon as he got out of the way the car hit the gas and zoomed away obviously peeved he took his time, lol I told him I was taking pictures. He then told me to follow him up the stairs because he had a perfect spot. I was a little hesitant to follow a complete stranger but he was so intriguing. He took his pot pipe out and took a big puff and told me to breath in and he blew the smoke in my face. You would think this would bug me but it didn't.

So we started walking up the stairs back up the street. He asked where I was from and he was totally making fun because he had no idea where that was. Told me he lived on the corner down the bottom of the street. He told me I smelled really good! Then laughed and said well he knew one thing, girls from my area smell really good. And said not to worry he had a girlfriend and wouldn't do anything to me unless I wanted to make out, then he turned and asked, do you want to make out? lol I was just laughing and enjoying every minute of the interaction. He told me to walk up to Montclair street with him and he'd show me the ultimate photo spot. That Montclair was his fathers name. He told me his fathers first name but I didn't remember it. It was such a fast interaction.

We got up to the spot and he had me sit on the step with him. Once sitting we were talking about his experiences living on this street. He took a better look at me and said, damn, you're really beautiful. And it was just so honest and real it was the best compliment I've received in a LONG time. I felt an immediate connection. I think I was almost ready to make out with him. It was odd how comfortable I was with him.

I asked if I could take a picture of him and he wouldn't let me. He told me he'd been in advertising for 15 years and pretty much was retired in San Francisco. I got the impression he must have been famous and didn't want his picture plastered on the web. He said I should let it be what it was, a magical phantom moment we'll have to struggle to remember. And in all honestly I love that we did it that way.

He was pretty cute, in an average guy kind of way. My friend, Northern Cali got nervous I was taking so long so he came up to check on me. I will call this person Lombard St. He was nice and kept him entertained while he pointed out the places I should point to take pics. He also pointed out where Real world San Francisco was, with Puck! And where Marilyn Monroe got married. Told me a beach I should go to but since Northern Cali had specific plans he didn't take notes on where we should go. At one point the interaction seemed like it was going to end, and I really didn't want it to. I really wanted to keep talking to him, I didn't want the moment to end. I don't think he did either. He kept grabbing my hand and saying how nice it was to meet me. And I gave him my business card and told him to contact me. He said he would. I haven't heard from him yet though. I really do hope to though. There was just such an amazing connection between us!

Anyways, we had to go so we were reluctant to say our goodbyes... He said he was going to skate down the street but I kept looking for him and he didn't. But once I got to the bottom I heard him yell down to me, couldn't hear what he said but I know it was my name, and I turned and waved up to the darkness... (sigh) It may not sound like much but it was an incredible moment in time, I guess it had to do with the connection. A connection I hope not to soon forget.

well, well, well...

2010-03-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

The Drummer - Well he flaked on me. I called him out on it, not rudely, just told him I was surprised I hadn't heard back from him since we did make plans to hang out. He said he was feeling worn down so he stayed in bed all day, which means he was too drunk to think straight. I had heard he was doing better but for some reason I just have a hard time believing that. He said he was sorry he flaked on me and that he wouldn't make a habit out of it. I think it was for the best. I wasn't doing well yesterday and I think I was too weak to fight any urges.

I had gone to the local bar by his house and my good friend, the girl I clicked with, I guess I can call her bossom buddy lol, well she's the bartender and didn't like that this is the 3rd or 4th time I've stopped by without getting a drink. So I gave in and let her get me a drink. I could tell since it's been so long since I've drank that it affected me big time. I then decided to stop by The Drummer's just down the street but didn't feel comfortable just walking in, so decided to call and he didn't answer so that was my answer. I text him and told him to let me know if he still wanted me to come over and other then replying to my email I sent him, he didn't acknowledge the fact that we had plans.

Further proof he's an ass and I need to keep him out of my life.

Ex - So remember my last post where I mentioned my desire to contact my ex and I was curious about my motives. I knew there was an odd feeling about it. I took some time to think about it. When I realized what my motives were I got angry, not at him or necessarily at myself, but more the situation.

I feel the reason behind me wanting to reach out to my Ex is because he's the last person that I ever felt TRULY loved me. Who wanted to be with me, who wanted me to be happy, who loved me for everything that I was, good and bad. That was what? Over four years ago? I've dated A LOT since then and he's the last guy I can honestly say genuinely cared about me? Yeah, you can now understand why I got frustrated and a bit discouraged.

That mixed in with my disappointment that The Drummer never contacted me, and still wondering how I could have mistaken the connection between the Setup and myself. I just kinda lost it on the whole dating front. I was pissed.

I went over to my parents for prayer group and no one else showed up so we spent the evening talking about where I was at emotionally. Oddly my dad was impressed with my maturity in realizing the true feelings behind wanting to contact the Ex. I am still surprised he thought that was mature when I felt foolish when I realized what the truth was behind why I wanted to contact him. I discussed my desire to stay on track. Not to lose sight of the goal to stay righteous.

My mom shared with me on Friday that temptation will come but it's all about whether or not I go forward in it. This has helped quite a bit because I get flashbacks of me and The Drummer because lets face it, sex was fantastic with him. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to match it. I know if I hold off on having sex again for a VERY long time, then get married it should change it for me because the person I'm with is in love with me. The bummer is, now I have experienced amazing sex. Ugh...

So anyways, I'm really trying to stay on track, to be a good girl. I was frustrated that I got a little excited about hanging out with The Drummer. Then I felt an odd sense of rejection yet again. Then I realized it's God's protection. He knew I wasn't strong enough to hold up against the desire. And I'm glad now I didn't see The Drummer. I will see him in 2 days at the St Patrick's Day show. I will take pics. I will go home because I have to work the next day. I will be safe!

After talking to my parents I felt better. I let go of my frustrations with The Drummer. I now knew I could NOT contact my Ex for any reason. I felt like it was time to make sure things were ok with The Actor now too.

The Actor - So I sent an email to him shortly after my email to The Drummer. I went to bed and woke up to a message from him. It was sweet. He asked if my ears were ringing again because I had been on his mind. He agreed to having a great time. He said something only slightly confusing "wish we had better circumstances, but for how it worked.. I was glad we had a little fun time... " I'm not sure if he's referring to the fact that he has a girlfriend or to the fact that the second night didn't go too well. Maybe everything. Maybe he wouldn't have minded more time with just me. I don't know. But I am glad that things are still cool between us. He's a cool guy. And though I may have not been extremely attracted to him, I'm now looking at him with more admiring eyes. I guess sleeping with someone will do that to ya. I guess it's good that I'm not fully callused from having sex with guys that I don't really love.

The Setup - So my day has been going well. I was in good spirits at work. Energetic and productive. I was enjoying my time working late with no one else in the office when he called! The setup finally called! I wasn't ready to answer the call so I let him leave a message. He wanted to meet for coffee this week. He was cutely flustered on the voicemail. I called him back after a few minutes. We pretty much set it up for Sunday but he will call me Thursday or Friday to set firm plans. I'm actually VERY surprised he called. Pleasantly surprised though. I will be curious as to what comes of all this.

Well I need to go to bed... Goodnight strange world

What the?!

2010-03-14T00:22:00.000-08:00

So The Drummer has suddenly taken an interest in me again. Why all the sudden? I have no idea. But this week he's been calling a lot! One night it was 4 times. Last night he called me at midnight. Then this morning. He's asked me to come over and help him with his computer. I'm scared about going over there. I also feel like it's a good thing. He's hinted at noticing my lack of interest in hanging out. At the time he mentioned it I wasn't prepared to answer with the truth, I just told him I was working a lot. (sigh) Why couldn't I tell him? As soon as I got off the phone I realized I've shot myself in the foot. I mean I can tell him but I've lost the seriousness of his behavior. I do plan on being honest if I get the chance.

I was teasing him tonight and he suddenly dropped offline so now I'm concerned. Oh well... I'm still not sure it's wise to go over to his place at all, daytime or not!

The Setup - Well I definitely was right not to use the term "the one"! He has yet to contact me since our first meeting last Sunday. He told our mutual friend that he planned to text me and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm not totally writing him off, I mean it could be a new friend to talk to about the woes of Christians in the dating world. But at this point, I'm not holding my breath either. It's obvious he's (as they say) just not that into me! I am surprised he put on such a good show though. Why act the way he did if he wasn't all that interested? Oh well. Moving on...

The Actor - I've been thinking a lot about him. Not sure how to address the situation. I have some cute pics of us from his time here. I will post them but he's made it clear he doesn't want me to tag him in the photos. I'm guessing he didn't tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with chicks while he was down here.

I've been struggling not emailing my Ex this week. I don't know why he's been on my mind so much. I haven't heard from him since I met his wife at the reunion dinner in December. Part of me wonders if his wife told him she didn't want him contacting me anymore. I mean I knew she always had an issue with my ex and I staying in communication but it's just been an odd length of silence. I usually hear from him by now. I'm tempted to let him know about my brothers surgery, but then I am afraid of causing problems. Then I wonder what's my motivation for contacting him? Is it really all that healthy?

Anyways, I'm not sure how I feel about men these days. First Kiss sent me a couple sweet random texts last week. It's like, the moment I made the choice to avoid non-christian guys they came a running, and the one christian guy I met doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. Annoying! How can I stay on track and be a good girl if all I have coming after me are the bad boys?

We'll see how well I do. I have every intention of NOT sleeping with The Drummer when I go over there tomorrow. Well technically today. I really should be sleeping because its daylight savings and I'm losing an hour.

Goodnight

Recent Activity

2010-03-08T23:40:00.000-08:00

I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll update on The Drummer.

The Drummer - We had an extremely intimate night in early February a week or so prior to his birthday with was February 13th. One where I was considering the possibility of a relationship very likely. But of course, the moment that evening/morning was over I didn't hear from him for a week.

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of his birthday. I decided to stop by the local bar he frequents because I assumed he'd be partying it up. I was right. I showed up early enough that I thought I'd give him my birthday wishes and head home. But as soon as I got there he asked me to take him home. He was beyond drunk. It was odd, he had a rough day and of course I was the person next to him so he took his frustrations out on me.

The night was not good. He was cruel, harsh and rude... Saying that he agreed we had an extremely intimate night but that's all it was. That he didn't love me, he didn't have any feelings for me. Then two hours later after sobering up a bit became horny. In the moment he started pursuing me for sex, I had enough wits to say it wasn't a good idea especially since I was the one who had my feelings involved. He then acknowledged this and yet still kept pursuing and I, of course, couldn't help myself and had sex with him.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and felt completely and utterly disgusted and angry with myself and at him for taking advantage of me. I cried bitter tears. And in that moment my heart was changed.

I decided at that point I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again. I realized I had fallen for him and needed to keep my distance. He wasn't healthy for me. I was hurt. I felt foolish. Even now, after a few weeks I can't help but shake my head at my foolishness. And for the first time since I've made the decision to stay away I feel a twinge of pain, a sting in my eyes, like I want to cry but he's not worth it. I don't even know if my tears would be for him, or more for my shame.

So as it stands I haven't contacted him since February 14th of all days. He has text me a couple times, but I think he realizes that I'm avoiding him. He hasn't even made any attempt to find out whats wrong.

I will be seeing him March 17th. So it'll be interesting to see how he relates to me. Oh I did see him the 26th. I was walking to get the mail at my work and he happened to be going to the salon where my sister works and saw me. He honked and I went over to say hi. He seemed in a weird state. I was casual and was surprised to see him but decided it's further proof I need to keep him out of my life.

I wonder at times if he's curious. Part of me knows he wonders what happened, or maybe he knows exactly what happened. I'd like to think he regrets his behavior but then again another part of me realizes that's just wishful thinking.

So moving on...

The Actor - So as I wrote the above something hit me about my behavior with The Actor. I think maybe the reason I behaved like I did was because I still feel a bit cheap about the whole situation with The Drummer. Maybe I just didn't care anymore for that timeframe.

Let me explain. The Actor came down from Oregon for a week. We set up a photoshoot to get him some updated headshots. We joked about hooking up when he was down here. And well it happened. We were shooting in Santa Monica, and he planned on coming home with me so he could see some of his old friends.

I honestly wasn't sure what to expect. I put him in my office. We took a drive and he asked me if he was in the doghouse for some reason since he wasn't spending the night in my room. I told him honestly I wasn't sure how he felt. I mean we had chemistry online and when we were shooting I didn't get any particular vibe that he was into me. He said it was because so many people were around and he had actually hoped I would be going down solo. So we talked about things, I admitted I wasn't sure where I stood yet. I was definitely tempted but that I knew he had a girlfriend and felt awkward about that.

Yes, I slept with a man that had a girlfriend. Ugh... Anyways, so we get back to my place and we're looking through his pics of the day. He starts giving me a back rub and well you can guess where that led. We made our way to my room and we had sex. I was kind of shocked with my behavior. The sex was alright, he was definitely awesome with oral. But the sex just didn't do it for me. I realized at that point that The Drummer had ruined me, for a while at least. That I would need to not have sex again for a LONG time to even somewhat enjoy it without thinking of The Drummer and my experiences.

I woke up the next morning and we both got ready for church. I felt no remorse or guilt over my actions at that point. We spent the day hanging out and only got a chance to visit one or two people. I drove him back down to his friends in Sherman Oaks and it was already arranged that I would be spending the night. Of course, he was all about having sex again. And I guess because I felt like I had already gone there why not again. Though this time wasn't as good. In fact, he was a bit of a selfish bastard and didn't even make sure I was taken care of.

I confronted him on this and he at first was very surprised and even called me high maintenance to which I laughed and said how is it high maintenance to expect to orgasm? I asked if it was his practice to sleep with women and not care whether or not they had experienced an orgasm. I told him I knew what this was, that I wasn't expected that he care about me like a girlfriend but to at least care enough that I would cum too. He felt like crap I could tell. He said he would try and I laughed and told him there was no way I was in the mood now. Though I was proud of myself for calling him out on his shit. And if other women have experienced it, I don't think he's ever been called out on it.

We ended on a good note. I was pleasantly surprised. No I did not do anything more sexually with him other then a nice kiss goodbye in the morning. We text a few more times while he was down here in California but I haven't heard from him since he went home. I see he cleaned up his facebook which seems a bit odd to me. But I'm curious to how our friendship is going to be after this.

The Setup - I'm half tempted to call him The One... But I know that's silly and childish. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Emotionally dealing with my behavior and the realization of my behavior sinking in. I have since rededicated myself to purity. The fact that I was so callused when having sex with The Actor, it freaked me out. I really had to dig deep to feel any kind of remorse for my actions and that's even worse. That's why when I was writing the above about The Drummer and realized I felt a sting of tears coming on, I think it hit me then that I really was impacted by how pathetic I felt that night with him.

So I've been a fool. I have officially slept with 4 men in my life. Two within two weeks of eachother and that makes me feel disgusting. And worse yet, I now get to start talking about The Setup.

He's someone a friend has been trying to hook me up with for the last two years. He's really shy and well I guess two years ago, right when she was going to give him my information he started seeing someone. Well about a month and a half ago she's been bringing me up again. She gave him my number, gave me his number and asked if I'd be cool with him texting me first till he feels more comfortable. I said that was fine but he didn't like that. He decided to wait to meet in person and said he'd come to a worship concert at my church to meet me. I wasn't able to make it to the February one, so we me this last sunday for the first time.

I feel silly because there was a moment early on where I eyes locked and it felt like everything else went away. Normally I can't deal with eye contact that intense and turn away. But there was something about this that I couldn't help myself.

He's very attractive. He's tall and skinny like I like em. He seemed to have an immediate attraction to me as well. I was busy helping to set up and I would look up to catch him staring. We talked with ease. He's an interesting person. He's been raised in a Christian home just like me.

It wasn't until my best friend came up to me and mentioned The Actor's name that I suddenly was hit with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. Like he was too good for me. Here I was sleeping around with guys in steady relationships and he's being a good Christian guy. How could he possibly like me. I know that in itself is cliche and I did my best to fight the lie.

I was very interested by the end of the night. He asked me if I'd like to go out for coffee sometime and I said absolutely. I asked if he had my number and he told me he got it from Rashaell and mumbled something about not having his phone with him. We said our goodbyes, and he went over to our mutual friend to say goodnight. Apparently when he did he thanked her with excitement and she felt that was his way of letting her know he was very happy he had agreed to let us meet.

So I woke up this morning immediately thinking about the gaze. The moment we were staring into each other's eyes and everything else slipped away for a few moments. I then let my mind wonder... I could see myself in a relationship with him. A comfortable, casual but committed relationship.

I feel silly. Why am I thinking this? Is it because this is the first Christian, good looking, single guy I've met in like forever? Or is this because this could be something? I guess we'll have to wait and see. I've been praying and trying to hand it over to God.

But writing this post has made me doubt that God could bless me after my behavior for the last few months. Yes, I've asked for genuine forgiveness. Have made the commitment to purity. I've even been wearing a ring on my ring finger as a symbol to remind me of that commitment. Now meeting The Setup... I am more determined then ever to keep my purity intact from this point forward.

Junior - Ironic that Junior would text me today and tell me he was jealous of The Setup. He was at the worship concert and knew I was being setup and when he saw the guy and saw how interested I was, he felt jealous. I laughed because he and I haven't talked much lately, he seems majorly committed to his girlfriend the last few months. We haven't done much flirting at all till today. But I feel right now especially I need to be cautious of temptation. The enemy doesn't want me to succeed now that I've made a serious committment. He will try to throw things at me. I need to stand my ground.

Well it's late and I'm zoning. I should probably get to sleep. Hopefully my next post will be more positive and I'll have heard from the Setup! :)

January 21st, 2010

2010-03-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

This was last updated on January 21st so I'm posting it now... Oh boy has everything changed!!!!

The Drummer - I have no idea what to share. The Drummer and I were pretty distant for the first few weeks of the year. I kept my distance and he would actually text me if he hadn't heard from me in a few days. I went through the emotional ups and downs but never felt truly sad about what was going on between us, or I should say the lack of anything.

I prepped myself for the show on the 15th as the next time I'd see him. I expected to be ignored. And also prepped myself to say no to sex. I wasn't sure what to expect. But when I got there I saw him and waved. He came over to give me a hug and I was surprised he apologized for not making it over sooner. He was nice all night but nothing major. I was busy takin pics and talking to all sorts of people that were there. It was super crowed but SOO much fun! It was everything I prepared myself for. I really wanted a night to let loose and have a good time hangin out and listening to good music.

Side Note: I was surprised that First Kiss was showing me so much attention. He sent me a picture text of himself saying hi and that he would see me at the show. I sent him a picture of myself back and the flirting began. When I saw him at the show I was super excited he was there. He was totally flirty and everything. He asked me to go to a masquerade ball on Valentines Day and I told him sure why not.

One thing about this last time The Drummer and I screwed up is I am not insecure about where I stand. Maybe I'm just used to the concept that he's not in love with me but we're sleeping together? I had a text conversation with Computer Geek about that and I could tell he didn't like that idea for me. It's sweet that he cares about me that much. But right now I am having a hard time keeping away from the Drummer.

Hmm... interesting development... The Drummers band just got booked for a last minute show. His friend whom I totally adore asked me if I was going. She wanted to know if we wanted to ride together. I haven't heard from the band so I don't know if or why I haven't been invited. I'm feeling a tad odd. Should I go? Should I not? Now that I know the Drummer hasn't contacted me should I think he doesn't want me there? hmmm... what to do? I'll be really hurt if he doesn't contact me. :( sigh... why did this have to come out right before I have to go to bed. Ugh!

Well the above was written wow a while ago... It sucks that I don't have a time stamp. But I'm gonna say the 22nd. After I logged off the computer I decided to call the Drummer and give him shit for me having to hear about the show from someone else. His excuse... He sent out a forward text and wasn't going to send me one of those. He was going to let me know about it personally but that he just hadn't had a chance to think let alone make a call or text for me personally. It was a fun, teasing conversation and I told him I'd try to make it.

The next day he text me the forward and I gave him shit for it. He told me to call him on my break, I was a conference for the church. One of the reasons I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to the show. I got home earlier then expected. I also got a text from The Drummer letting me know he put me on the guest list. At this point I knew I had to go.

I told my brother that I was going to a last minute show of the Drummers other band and very surprisingly he said, so that means you aren't going to be home tonight? I was taken back by the statement but then thought about the reality of it. I told him I couldn't say one way or the other. I decided to text the Drummer and ask if I was spending the night and I never got a reply. I found out later he was about to reply that he didn't think it was a good idea but decided against it.

The show went well. The Drummer was in a really good mood though I didn't get a chance to hang out with him that much. It wasn't until the end of the night that somehow we had decided I was driving him home because The Bassist had too much to drink and I was attempting to take them both home but it didn't work out. I'm sure he was still unsure of whether or not he wanted me to spend the night.

His friend was with us. She was debating on joining us but I think she realized we kind of wanted to be alone. She lives close to the Drummer and I had to pick her up for the show so I dropped her off. She and I had made plans to meet the next day for lunch. She's super cool and I totally love her. I had an immediate connection with her when I met her at on December 11th.

More about The Drummer...

2009-12-28T00:12:00.000-08:00

The Drummer - So I haven't been ready to share about The Drummer lately. I think because my heart is too involved. So much has happened. I'm really confused. I'm not sure what we are. I know we have decided to just be friends yet both of us know there is more there, A LOT more.

Even now my heart is beating hard. Why? Because he's supposed to call and let me know when to come over. In my mind I plan on going to sleep. I didn't sleep at all at his place last night. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow in Big Bear. I don't know why I don't just send him a text sayin that I'm crashing and let it be. I guess because I feel I've been buggin him tonight. Yet, if he never calls it will piss me off. I know it's Christmas and he's been drinking. I also know we woke up in eachother's arms on Christmas morning. Did I ever expect that!? No!

Ok so I should probably start back to my last post. I mentioned that I knew I was in trouble when he came back to kiss me on the cheek. Well not even two days passed before we talked about it. I told him I felt my heart was getting too involved.

well he just called... I'm meeting him afterall... (Sigh) more to come.

Ok so the above was Christmas night which was Friday night... Back to what I was writing about, our "talk".

So our "talk" was on that Monday or Tuesday (Dec 14th or 15th), he said he could tell I was getting too involved and it made him nervous because he didn't want to hurt me. We talked about how as much as we enjoy the sex it's probably best if we stop. I felt sad and a little dissappointed. He was still planning on joining me for the reunion dinner.

Over the next couple of days I kind of kept my distance. I even considered not having him go with me to the reunion dinner because I didn't want to deal with our uncomfortableness along with the awkwardness of meeting my Ex's wife. But when I told him he didn't have to go because the group was getting a little too big he seemed to think it was only because of our talk. I told him that wasn't the case but I guess deep down it might have been. I mentioned something on the group page about not bringing a date because the group was so big but they wanted me to bring one anyways. I explained that if he had to work he wouldn't be able to go. And confirmed The Drummer was still willing to go if I needed him to.

So the week continued and that Saturday (Dec 19th) The Drummers band had another show. I went knowing The Drummer and I had made a decision not to get physical. When I saw him at the show I noticed his eyes were puffy and his nose looked pretty messed up. I found out he was out at a bar the night before and got punched pretty hard from the side and his nose was broken. He looked pretty miserable. I could tell the show wasn't one of their best performances but I couldn't tell if it was only because his nose was broken or if there was something going on with the guys. I asked the Bassist's fiance and she said she could see it too.

After the performance I spent most of the time talking to The Singer and his friends outside and I barely saw The Drummer. I still get surprised that he and I barely seem to talk while at his shows. Anyways, I saw him looking over to me but he didn't seem to make any effort to make conversation.

I happened to be walking by the bar to go to the restroom and I saw him sitting on a stool looking rather pathetically miserable. I went up to him and asked how he was holding up. He said he wasn't doing well at all and just wanted to go home. I asked him why he wasn't going home and he said it's because he didn't have a ride and that his car was at the Bassist's place. I told him I would take him home and he seemed grateful but also felt bad about me missing out on the rest of the show. I told him it didn't matter and I could always come back. I even teased and said, I'll drop you off and won't come in. He smiled and it was decided I was taking him home.

I could tell he was pretty messed up, he could barely walk straight. I got him home and he offered to have me come in. I told him it wasn't a good idea because we had a hard time being good. He said he would make sure to be good because he really enjoyed my company.

So I went in and we hung out for a while on the couch talking about this that and everything. We talked quite extensively about our feelings. He said he cares about me greatly and he thinks I'm more beautiful and I have a better body then the other girl he's hung up on. He noticed my reaction to his comment about my body and asked if I believed him. I told him it was hard to and he said it was the truth and he liked my body better then hers. He knows I'm really good to him. And yet, even if the other girl wasn't in the picture we both know a relationship isn't wise, not with our lifestyles and beliefs being so different. Yet we couldn't help but get closer as the night progressed. I found myself holding his hand and he admitted to his hesitation on being affectionate back. I wasn't sure what was going on, even in my own thoughts.

We decided to watch Patch Adams and go to sleep. I had every intention of being good. But as usual things progressed towards sex. The sex was extremely intimate. I mean he's always been very passionate but he kept making me orgasm, so many times I lost count and I was exhausted to the point I didn't think I could any more and yet he kept going and made me orgasm two more times! It was fantastic! My stomach drops every time I think about our experiences. I also felt horrible because of his nose! He could barely breath and yet he was still leaving me completely weak and very satisfied!

I'm still so surprised he doesn't have to do much to make me orgasm. I'm not very experienced but there's just something about our fit that makes me go crazy! He also does something that I consider very intimate, which is staying inside of me. He'd lay with his dick inside me all night if I'd let him. He intertwines our bodies and holds me tight. I've asked around and found that it's an uncommon thing for guys to do, and its definitely more in line with love making then just fucking.

After a few hours, we went to sleep. I woke up to him climbing on top of me and putting his dick inside of me. I had never experienced that before and it was fucking awesome! What an amazing way to wake up! It didn't take me long to orgasm and he came for the first time that night (he had made the entire night about pleasing me) and we both fell back to sleep until I had to get up and head home to shower and go to church like a good girl.

As I got dressed he teasingly asked what happened and that hadn't we agreed not to do that anymore. I laughed but knew it was true. I didn't have any issues with how it worked itself out but I knew my heart was even more involved with him now.

Fresno - I had agreed to meet Fresno down at his new place in Aliso Viejo on that Sunday evening (Dec 20th). I wasn't sure how I felt about it because he kept pushing for me to spend the night and he kept wanting to know what I liked to drink for alcohol.

One thing about realizing my heart is now focused solely on The Drummer it means all these other men are put off to the wayside. Even African, whom I haven't even explained here is no longer any interest. Mind you, he also hasn't taken the time to call but I think he got tired of me putting him off. I'll give a short explanation of him in the end.

Anyways, I left my place at about 4:30 and got down to Fresno's place at 6:30 and we went to dinner. He had a nice place. I hadn't realized how close to Laguna beach he really was. We went to BJs restaurant there and ate some appetizers only because I had eaten shortly before heading down. We went back to his place and watched "Italian Job" and as soon as it was done he asked if I was ready for bed! I was like, "um, yeah I'm heading home." He seemed surprised but then explained it away to himself that it was because I would deal with traffic Monday morning. Which was true but I even told him I was sort of seeing someone just so he knew he wouldn't be able to attempt anything with me.

It's always nice to hang out with him. But it's odd that he keeps wanting to make it more then just a friend thing. I left at about 11:30 so I got home late.

Reunion Dinner w/ the Ex - So Monday, Decemember 21st I went down to the reunion dinner.

The Drummer didn't end up going with me because his nose was really bad and he had two black eyes. He said he would go but he was concerned about what my friends would think of me hanging out with someone like that. Which I thought was rather sweet of him to be concerned for me. He felt bad he couldn't be there for me but I was feeling like it was how the night should have worked out. It was something I knew I should face alone.

I got to the restaurant and saw my Ex's brothers girlfriend driving in just in front of me. She hasn't seen me since I've lost all this weight and immediately commented on it. It was great to see her. She and I have stayed friends even after my Ex and I broke up. Actually I'm still fairly close to his entire family.

I walked up and saw my Ex sitting at the table. My heart started pounding. I tried to calm my nerves by the time I walked in and saw his wife sitting and a few people there. I was so flustered I walked up stuck my hand out to shake hers and didn't even introduce myself. I was busy saying hi to everyone and then when I tried to find a place to sit I couldn't make it too obvious I was sitting away from them because they were in the center and it worked out that I sat across from them. It wasn't intentional. I knew it was obvious I was feeling awkward and tried to stay busy.

I walked outside and ran into my favorite people of the group. They also haven't seen me since the weight loss and both their mouths dropped open in shock of how good I look. I felt awkward and grateful they didn't get the chance to gush in front of my Ex and his wife. It took me maybe 20 minutes to relax from my initial interaction with my Ex. I was frustrated that I had made it obvious I was nervous and awkward about meeting her.

So seeing the Ex wasn't that hard. I remember looking at him and thinking, yes, this is a man I knew intimately well at one point, now he's a perfect stranger. That was an odd feeling. His wife is not very photogenic so I noticed she looked prettier then in her pictures. Yet I couldn't honestly say which one of us was prettier. I know, petty... But it was one of my thoughts. I was dying to know what she was thinking of me. I couldn't get a feel for her emotions. I talked to her only in passing conversation. In the end of the night I went up to her and gave her a hug and told her it was great to meet her.

As far as interaction with The Ex, there were a few times during the night I noticed we did a lot of the side glances and quickly looking away. There was one person sitting next to me who started talking about anal sex and a girls first experience and that was the only extremely awkward moment for me because it made me think of my first experience with anal being with my Ex. Of course, thinking about it leads to visual memories and I seriously had a hard time shaking the scenes in my head. No one knew my thoughts and it's not like I thought my Ex was thinking of our experiences, but I felt awkward thinking of him in that light while he sat across from me next to his wife!

I gave him a hug at the end of the night and wished I could talk to someone about what they thought of the night, the interaction or even what they thought of his wife and me in comparison. But sadly I don't know any of them well enough to go there with them and I left with lots of unanswered questions.

I also felt slightly awkward because I knew his wife never felt ready to meet me and this time she didn't have a choice. And she has always had an issue with my Ex and I staying friends. She's never understood why he continues to talk to me. I, myself, have also wondered at times why he's kept his promise to stay in touch. Mind you, his contact has gone from monthly to every couple months but he still makes the initial contact.

I was also curious as to what everyone else thought of the situation but all-in-all I thought it went really well. I felt confident and sexy so it didn't matter to me what the wife thought of me. Everyone else kept commenting on my weight loss and it felt good to know I looked better then I have in a LONG time.

Back to the Drummer - So I sent the Drummer a text on the way home letting him know it went well, even though he wasn't there. We talked about his dislike of Christmas the last time I spent the night and how he gave back "Garden State" to the other girl and he was really bummed about it.

Wednesday the 23rd I called around and found a copy of the movie and decided to be possibly really stupid and buy it for him. I also grabbed a few movies so that he'd have more then the few he's been watching over and over again. I text him to find out if he was at home and explained I had some movies for him to watch. I could tell he seemed really happy about the fact that I had thought of him like that.

I looked cute because I had just gone to the Candlelight Service at the church and was all dressed up. I literally stopped over, showed him the movies and looked at the progress of his nose healing and left. He knew I had pictures to edit.

Christmas Eve he kept textin me updates on which movie he was watching which seemed unusual for him. He ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for like 2 1/2 hours and at about 3am he asked me to come over. He made a promise to be good and for once we were! I got over there and we started Donnie Darko and were talking too much to really watch it. During this conversation we talked about the fact that I'm pretty much his best friend, he said possibly the best friend he's ever had. He doesn't want to lose that.

We slept in the same bed but didn't do anything. Of course the temptation was there, he gave me a couple hugs and kisses on the cheek throughout the night. I will say waking up next to him on Christmas morning was a little more romantic then it should have been. It didn't help that he left to grab some dog food and brought me back a coffee! He knew I was a starbucks fan but just got the gas station coffee and even tried to make sure not to put too much cream and sugar. Freakin sweet! We relaxed and talked about random stuff. He was in a super good mood. He kept sayin he was actually happy this Christmas because he woke up to his absolute best friend with him and a stack of great movies to watch. And that he had a lot to be happy about.

I had to head home and get ready for my Christmas Day plans, which wasn't much because we're not doing our Christmas until New Years when my sister has her kids. But I was going to a movie with the family and then over to my parents for dinner.

The Drummer had mentioned at night his roommate, her boyfriend and he were planning on playing board games if I wanted to come over. I said I would. This is sort of where this post started. Me waiting for him to call me and let me know when to come over.

He called me from his moms house, too drunk to drive home. He asked me to come pick him up. I got directions but he found out I wouldn't be able to stay late because of my plans to drive up to Big Bear the next morning. He decided to chance driving home and just told me to meet him there.

I got there before he did and I'm comfortable enough with his roommate and her boyfriend so I was chillin till he got there. This is where things get a little odd. I'm still trying to work out what happened.

The Drummer and the boyfriend started playing Yatzee. The Drummer was reacting strangly towards me but I couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong. I felt like he was frustrated that I kept trying to help him out in the game. And I was embarrassed because I was keeping score and kept screwing up the math. He also seemed to be mad that I was cheering on the boyfriend rather then him, which wasn't true but I guess that's how he saw it. At the end of the 4th game he seemed really moody with me and thats when he accused me of flirting with his roommates boyfriend!!! I was in shock! I had no thoughts towards the boyfriend at all. But I was also confused because The Drummer told me we weren't together, why would he be so mad that I was flirting (well other then the fact that it's his roommates boyfriend). He said she gave him a look like "what the fuck?" and then went to bed. I saw her looking at me but I wasn't sure what emotion was going on. I thought she was just watching the interaction between The Drummer and I.

He was REALLY angry. He wouldn't believe me when I made him explain what his issue was. He felt I should have known what I was doing. I'm still unsure of what he saw. I know my personality. I'm flirtatious with everyone, but I mean there were times I was WAY flirty with the Singer in front of The Drummer and it didn't seem to bother him.

The only thing I could think of is our dynamic has changed. He allowed himself to have feelings for me. He kept saying he knew he shouldn't be jealous because we're not together. But then he would say he never wanted me to do it again. It took a while for both of us to get to a comfortable point about everything. I told him the flirting was unintentional and that he should know where my heart is. He kept saying it's possible he read it wrong but it wasn't until his roommate confirmed it with the look she gave him that he started to get extremely angry. I finally had to just say I was sorry, and he has this thing about sorry meaning you'll never do it again and I said that's what I mean. The conversation was pretty tense for a while. I felt horrible.

I always knew when I got back into a relationship I would have a hard time not flirting like I'm used to. But I had no idea I was in a relationship! I think he realized that and backed off on being so angry with me.

So I asked if I was staying the night, he said I could, but that there was no chance for us having sex. I was fine with that. I was exhausted because of the lack of sleep the night before and well arguing until 2am is never fun!

His mood shifted quickly and he was rambling about other things with a snide comment here and there about me flirting with another guy. He did say something about not expecting that behavior from me, and he was used to women treating him like crap, but not me. He even realized that if my actions were intentional it was the way to make him like me more. As messed up as it is, I think he's right. I've always felt the reason we weren't in a relationship is because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him good and isn't emotionally unstable.

At one point I told him I thought about the "L" word just that day when it came to how I felt about him. I told him I knew I did love him but that I wasn't "in love".

I fell asleep to him rambling and he was ok with that. He apparently talks more when he's drinking. I was half asleep and said "I love you" and he said he loved me too. At one point he asked me a question and I was so out of it I couldn't summon the voice to respond, then he started talking about how he felt a lot of love for me but that he's just scared because he doesn't know how to handle someone who treats him so good.

He went to have a smoke, but before he walked out he leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered that it pissed him off when he realized the roommates boyfriend knew he had the upper hand and started using it.

When he was gone I tried to figure out what he meant by that. When he came back The Drummer was all excited because he could breath normally for the first time since breaking his nose, which his sister (a nurse) felt he needed surgery to correct. He was almost giddy and I couldn't help but wake up a little and share in his happiness.

At the time, I remember how it started, but now I can't remember how it started. Oh! He asked if I was hungry, I said no but told him if he was hungry he should go make himself something to eat. He said that I would need to remove my pants if he were to be able to get something to eat! I was shocked! And of course, had to tell him that aside from us knowing we shouldn't go there, I was on the tail end of my period and he wouldn't want to eat me.

He said that was even better, that it meant I could sit on him. And when I told him I thought we were not gonna do that anymore he said that I had asked him how I could make up flirting with his roommates boyfriend in front of him, this is how I could do it! I called him an ass with a huge smile on my face and it didn't take us long to get hot and heavy.

I was quite surprised we were having sex especially after what took place. I guess maybe I should have known since it meant his feelings for me were stronger then I think even he knew they were. It was good as usual. We took a small break and the second time I will have to say was me starting it. After we were done with round two he was in a really silly mood. He took the blame for our first romp and blamed me for the second. He started tickling me and then telling me not to be so loud since others were sleeping. In fact, it turns out the door was open when we were having sex. So at any point the roommate and her boyfriend could have heard us! I felt embarrassed but also kind of wondered if he did that on purpose.

Either way, we finally went to sleep and I woke up early because I had to make a trip up to Big Bear early. I kissed him on the cheek goodbye and felt good about where we were.

It wasn't until later that I was left wondering what the heck we are! He still says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yet, his reaction to what he thought was going on between me and his roommates boyfriend shows his feelings are WAY more possessive then he let on. In fact, I think the possessiveness just started as well.

He told me that the band members blew up that pic of me and him kissing and taped it to his base drum and how he thought it was completely adorable. He talked about not being ashamed of what we'd done.

Saturday morning I got home, showered and head up to Big Bear by 10am and on my way back down sent him a text. I'd been there most of the afternoon. I didn't get a reply till later and when I did I really didn't expect to keep a conversation going but he actually did!

Today, Sunday, I sent him a text asking how he was doing and didn't get a text till later that he was actually working and would contact me later. I got a text at 8:30 saying he just walked through the door. I mentioned that I'd ask if he wanted company but I was sure he'd probably be too tired. He text back that yeah, he wasn't up for company but then called me to talk.

It's going to be a busy week. So I probably won't get to see him much. I haven't spent this much time with him EVER! I'm normally not talking or texting him this consistently. I have no idea how the next few days will go. I tend to think I should keep my distance. Not that I'm the only one opening communication. But it's just a bit much for me. It feels too much like it's already a relationship. I could tell when he called tonight I was feeling awkward, unsure of what to talk about or if I should try to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

I will just take it one day at a time, like I've been doing. I guess because I see the progression of us over the last few months grow exponentially I'm curious if it's finally hit that wall. I'm not saying this relationship has grown quickly but I can definitely see the intensity shift even though BOTH of us have said it's not something we feel would be a good thing. I'm starting to wonder if either of us can help ourselves.

African - I'm so not in the mood to go into discussing him. I probably will never get around to it. But for now I'm leaving it for the next post.

Me & The Drummer

2009-12-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

The Drummer - The picture to the left is me and The Drummer Friday night. Every time I see this picture it makes my heart flutter. Ugh! What am I gonna do? I spent the night at his house that night. You know where that led. I'm so confused and unsure about how I feel about all this.

The picture was taken at the tail end of the night at one of his shows. I'd barely talked to him that night. I didn't expect anything. I was quite surprised he kissed me. In fact, someone was bugging him to take a picture of me and him and it was during that, that he leaned down and just kissed me until they took the picture. A random stranger came up to me shortly after that and asked if he was my man and I hesitated because I didn't know how to respond. The Singer and others were watching this take place and the Singer said "yes" to the lady who asked just as I said "um, no. I wish he was!" The Drummer then said "oh knock that shit off" and I was confused by what he meant. Did he mean stop that I wanted him or that I didn't know if he was "my man"? The whole thing left me confused but I didn't honestly think much about it. (The lady that asked the question said if he wasn't my man I should definitely try to make him my man because he was one fine looking man. haha)

I have been distant from him since maybe Thanksgiving because I knew he was hoping things would work out with the other girl and he was very unresponsive when I would text and ask how he was doing. I honestly thought they must have gotten together. I hadn't been able to talk to him about what happend on Thanksgiving when he went down to visit.

The night was a bit of a blur. I had the Singer flirting with me. There was a girl I met, a friend of The Drummer's, who was absolutely beautiful! I thought for sure she and The Drummer had to have hooked up. She kept asking if I was involved with any of the band members and I said no. This was before the kiss with The Drummer. She went after the Singer. He thought she was a bitch and asked me why she was being so crazy with him. I told him she was interested and before you know it they were making out! lol I couldn't help but laugh. Either way The Singer still thought she was psycho but went home with her. I had driven her down to the show so she said she was driving back with him and The Drummer. So when we were saying out goodbyes I hugged The Drummer goodbye he seemed confused and asked if I was driving home alone or if he was going with me. I wasn't sure how this all seemed worked out and I wasn't made aware of it but I, of course, welcomed him to come with me.

We talked on the way back about random nothingness. Mostly about how messed up people get and become the problem rather then the solution. I did find out the other girl has pretty much made it seem like she didn't want any kind of relationship. She still talks to him but that it's pretty much over. He mentioned the new girl I met that went with The Singer was the first bi-polar woman he wasn't attracted to. I told him I was shocked because I thought she was such a cool person and totally beautiful. He responded that it takes more then looks to make him attracted to someone. We were almost back to the Bassists house to where his car was when he offered for me to come over to his place. He added that he would be good. I teased and said, what if I don't want you to be good? He said, no matter what happened, he would be good to me. I knew what that meant and it was pretty much decided I'd spend the night.

I'm still kind of surprised by this though. I mean earlier that night I wasn't sure what was going on between us. He seemed to pull away and I knew it was for the best so I didn't push to keep communication open.

So we climb into bed. We're just cuddling at first. We talk about this and that and he started running his fingers through my hair and asks what I'm thinking about. I told him honestly that I was afraid I was being foolish by being in bed with him and he never really addressed that. He said he was thinking he didn't have too much to drink, meaning the sex would be good. It didn't take long for us to be going at it hot and heavy. We didn't go as long as usual. He had to be up at 6am for work and it was 3am!

We slept, at some point he pulled me close and intertwined with me. When it was time to get up, he told me to stay sleeping as long as I wanted and leave whenever. I took him up on that offer and happened to look up when he was rummaging through some pant pockets and realized how fucking hot he really is, even in his grungy work clothes. I couldn't believe someone so unbelievably sexy would like someone who didn't have a perfect body. I burried my head in the pillow and tried to shake the thought and he came and went out of the room while he got ready. At one point I heard the front door open and shut and then shortly after open again and he came back into the room and kissed me on the cheek. And I was pleasantly surprised to realize that was the only reason he came back in. As soon as I was sure he was gone I said aloud, Oh shit... I'm screwed.

Since that moment I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I'm uncertain of my feelings. Even uncertain of his feelings. I know he cares for me but what is he thinking "this" is?! I haven't had the guts to ask him yet. He worked all day Saturday and we text a bit about how he was holding up but I didn't want to pester so I didn't text very much. Today I realized I've fallen. That there is no way I can keep this going without my heart getting hurt. I have thought of ways to ask him what's going on but my decision was to keep my distance. No need to freak him out by telling him I've fallen for him.

So I've kept looking at the picture above every chance I get. I sent him the picture to his cell but I never got a reply so I'm not sure if he gets pics. I think I vaguely remember him saying he couldn't wait to get an upgraded cell that would accept pics.

I'm not sure how I feel. He called me tonight after work. My heart skipped a beat. He was telling me how he survived at work and that The Singer was anxious to see the pics I took that night. I told him I had to deal with the paying gigs pics before I went through their show pics. He totally understood. He knew I was heading to a church Christmas party so we didn't talk long.

(sigh) I'm screwed.

And The Drummer's agreed to go with me to my old works reunion dinner. My old work that the Ex and I worked and got together at. Apparently my Ex is going to be there with his wife and I realized that though I may be cool seeing them and meeting her for the first time, I'm just not sure if I am ready to do it alone. I had asked him earlier in the week and he totally understood the reasoning without me needing to explain it. He said he cleaned up nicely and would gladly go with me if he didn't have to work. I'm not sure if he will go with me, and before Friday I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone to go, that I may want to face it alone. I know I'd have fun and I feel really good about myself. I can't imagine it being too hard. But I'll be curious if The Drummer does end up going as my date how it would go... We'll see.

Anyways, I have yet another new guy to add to my list but it's super late and I really need to get to bed. His nickname will be "African" because he's originally from Africa.

The lame line "Ooops I did it again" comes to mind and not in a good way

2009-11-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

The Drummer - Blah! The Drummer and I had sex again... Honestly I'm not really sure I'm in the mood to go into details about it. I walked into the situation knowing it was possibly a mistake but I felt determined to stay focused about why I was there... He needed someone to talk to.

I got a drunk call from him at 1:30 Sunday night, technically Monday (11/16). He was hard to hear and understand because of how loud it was but I got the impression he was calling because he and his friend were too drunk to drive home. I kept trying to figure out where they were so I could come pick them up but couldn't hear a thing. A few minutes later I called him again and he was in the car on the way home. He was dropping off his friend and he asked me to come over. At first I told him there was no reason to come over but then he started getting emotional. Talking about how he has no one, he's depressed and I could tell he was beyond drunk.

I made the decision to go over and get him into bed and let him talk and that was it. I knew it was possibly a stupid move but I felt like there was no chance it would go further, he'd probably pass out before we could have sex.

So I got there at 2am and helped him get into bed. He hinted around to wanting sex and I told him that wasn't going to happen because he was too drunk and that I was only there to help him get into bed and let him talk. He was super appreciative that I was even there. He got emotional and we talked for a good couple of hours. Of course, we were cuddling up to eachother while he talked so yes, it was slightly intimate.

He would randomly turn the topic to why we weren't having sex, and I kept telling him it was because he was too drunk. He asked me to kiss him and I did and thats when things turned to sexual. The sex was not nearly as good as the first time, only because he was still not fully sober or functional. But I will say I did get off a few times. The poor guy didn't even get one. I found out shortly after the sexual stuff started that he had to be awake at 5am for work!

Ok since writing the above I've gone about my day. I have been a little concerned about my attachment with The Drummer so I decided not to text him today. Sure enough I get a call from him tonight! We talked for about 20 minutes and he ran out of minutes but then called me back (after buying more) and we continued to talk for another hour! It's so strange. I'm frustrated that he's now making any efforts. It's going to make it harder to keep my distance. (sigh)

So back to that morning. There were a couple oddities that night. I could tell he wasn't just talking to talk. He has feelings for me. The next morning I left so my brother wouldn't wake up and see I was gone and ask where or who I was with. I tried to make sure The Drummer was up before I left so he wouldn't be late for work but he kept falling back to sleep.

I got home and went straight to bed. I slept till about 9 and got up. I started to feel horrible about the events that took place. Why had I allowed myself to fall back into that situation? I was shocked it happened so quickly. It's only been two weeks! I was pretty discouraged about the whole situation for most of the morning.

The Drummer called me after work (he only ended up working half day) and we talked about the stuff that happened. He was in a great mood and totally flirty and upbeat about everything that it helped set my mind at ease to some extent. He wanted me to come over as soon as his roommates left so that we could have sex with him being sober. I was seriously tempted! But luckily I had a busy day and it was a good excuse to give him. I honestly just wasn't sure how to feel about the whole situation! I mean he still has feelings for that one girl for goodness sakes! Ugh!

So the week went by and we kept in touch more regularly then ever. Yet I also felt like I was contacting him a little too much. I usually would send a quick text and that be it but even that I felt was more then he wanted. I guess I was more paranoid then anything because he's called me a lot this week. Though tonight was the first time it was out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Which tugs at my pathetic heart strings.

We talked a little about what's going on with us. He says that it's more then just sex for him that he really cares about me. He likes me (though in the midst of sex he said out of the blue "I love you too" and I was stunned, when I didn't respond he was like "ok, I only like you"... Weird/freaky). He knows that if this other girl decides to go forward with a relationship between them that will be the end of us.

It's odd... I mentioned something about not having a real relationship for years, and I could tell he got a little offended. He brought up the fact that he thought of us as more. I told him that out of my flings, he's the one I've gone the furthest with but that because of his feelings for the other girl I'm doing my best to keep him at arms length.

Yet we talk about sex like it's going to happen again. I am afraid. I'm feeling like this could gradually grow into something more. Which we both thought wouldn't be good. So why are we even allowing it to happen?

Anyways, I should get to bed... but before I go a quick tidbit about Fresno...

Fresno - We were going to meet up a couple weeks ago but it didn't work out and I didn't go out of my way to make it work. This morning he asked me to come over to his place tonight and drink. I immediately felt like it was a booty call. But it wasn't until I found out he wouldn't be available till after 9:30 that I knew. I told him I was sick and really wasn't sure I'd be up to going out there. I used it as an excuse more then anything. I'm not sure why he's still pursuing spending time with me. It seems he's gone on a rebellious spree... He never seemed to drink much either but now he's all about drinking.

My friends are all surprised I get hit on so much. I on the other hand don't think it's that much. One friend says I get hit on more then any of her other friends. Today my friend responded to a text about Fresno with "LMAO!!! Girl u can get urself into some shit huh?! I totally say that with love...". But it's true! I feel like they all come out of left field. Luckily I'm not tempted as strongly with Fresno as I am lets say The Singer or The Drummer.

I'm also curious to what will happen with the Singer and the Drummer when I see them at their next show in mid-December. I don't expect to see the Singer before then. I am curious if The Drummer has told anyone about us fooling around. I know the Bassist talked to my sister like he knew something happened between me and the Drummer but it could be purely speculation based on information others knew and not because The Drummer told him. Anyways, I wonder if the Singer has any ideas if he'd still pursue something with me. Sad that I'm actually curious to try something with him.

Well I'm off to sleep.

Well that was unexpected!

2009-11-07T17:19:00.000-08:00

The Drummer - So after my last post I met up with The Drummer. He was going to a local bar he frequents, we decided to meet up at his place. I was surprised to see another friend there but was definitely feeling the more the merrier. We went in my car and by the time we got to the bar the other guy was too nervous about running into his ex and decided to go home. So it was just me and the Drummer.

From the moment I got there I could tell he was in a great mood. Said he'd be buying me a drink right away and when the other guy decided to go home, he upped the number of drinks to two. Not sure why having that guy there or not made the number jump up but I didn't mind.

We had a great talk. We were joking around and even discussing his situation with his cousin. She's apparently pulled away quite a bit and he's realizing it's not going to work. I think it's for the best only because of all the drama they will receive if they do go through with having a relationship. I realized I didn't clarify in the last post that it is his 2nd cousin but still, kinda gross.

Well I drank my two drinks, and because I didn't even get to The Drummers place till midnight I already had a late start, I didn't have time to sober up by the time the bar closed. The Drummer had already stated that if I needed to I could crash at his place. So it was decided we'd walk back to his place because he lives just down the street. When we got out of the bar though he felt confident he could drive my car to his house without any major troubles. The whole time getting little gasps and giggles from me because I was nervous about cops and him damaging my car!

We made it back to his place and just started chillin. It was a lot of fun. We talked about anything and everything and the Bible included. It was decided I'd spend the night, though now I'm not so sure why we decided that. I really was sober enough to get home.

Anyways, at about 3:00 we decided it was time for bed. He gave me some of his pj bottoms to sleep in, I kept my shirt. It was quite comfy. I was a little surprised he was cool with us sleeping in the same bed. I had thought from the beginning he or I would be sleeping on the couch. So he put in the movie Garden State and as he did he said, "Oh did I mention it's ok to have sex if both people understand it's just that?" And of course I was laughing but still felt nothing would happen. I know... Naive! What can I say?!

So we were watching the movie and he opened his arms for me to cuddle up next to him and said it should be allowed. Of course you can imagine where that leads. A bit of rubbing and carressing and we were full on making out. He pulled me on top of him and when it got to the point of going all the way I told him I was on my period. After I was giving him head for a few seconds he asked what day, and to please tell him it wasn't day 1. I told him I was on the tail end and thats when he said to get my pants off and to get on top of him.

No major details to give other then it was fucking fantastic! He's slightly curved and me being on my period made me all that much more sensative, it didn't take very long for me to orgasm. The sex was incredible! I came a couple times before he did. Though it had been over a year since Burbank and I had sex. The Drummer said it was amazing and even said that was definitely not the last time we did that! He teased me about now realizing how much he liked me and that I should feel good about making him as hard for as long as a teenager boy!

It ended and I felt no major concerns or worries over my actions. We had a great time and we both agreed it wouldn't be the last time we did it. Though now I'm slightly concerned, only because I'm honestly not sure how to keep my emotions out of this. I've always known if I had sex with The Drummer it would tweak my emotions, unlike with Burbank when I still feel the same as I did when it was over... No attachment.

The Drummer has been a major crush for so long. And honestly I've been ok since then. I actually feel worse because I still really like the Singer and want things to happen with him. I'm not saying they can't but I just feel unsure of how this is all going to play out.

We decided we needed sleep at 5:30 and I got up at 7:30 to get back to my place to shower and head to church. I didn't start feeling the guilt of my actions till I was almost to church. I felt a sinking feeling of "what have I done!?"

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about my actions. Part of me says I don't regret my actions, the other part of me, the one with the good christian morals realizes how wrong my actions were. I've wanted The Drummer for so long and it honestly sucks that the sex was so good! I am not sure if we will allow ourselves to go there again. I'm doing my best to keep my distance, though we've text a lot more but not a ton. He teases me about being a vixen. Apparently as I was leaving he told me he was hard again in the morning and was hoping for one more go before I left. I, of course, didn't pick up on the clues. I was so focused on getting out of there I missed out. Though I am kinda glad we didn't only because the sex was so good the few hours prior, it would suck if the sex was mediocre.

I look back and realize we were both sober, we both realized what we were doing when we were doing it. In the midst of him being inside of me, he stopped and asked, you realize God is watching you right now. Seriously!? He would bring that up in that moment?! I gave him crap about it.

But we both agreed not to tell my brother about what happened. Though I knew by the fact that I didn't come home he would be suspicious. I told him I spent the night at a friends and I knew that wouldn't be enough for him. Sure enough after church he asked who I was with. I told him it was The Drummer and that I'd stayed at his place because I had too much to drink but stayed on the couch. My brother said he knew the moment I didn't tell him who, and that what I did was none of his business but just that I knew he didn't like The Drummer. (Sigh)

Well the above was written a couple days ago. I was texting the Drummer yesterday and asked how he was holding up. He said he was hangin in there and so I asked if he was still feeling anxious (about his cousin) and he said yes. I asked if there was anything I could do and he said "no but thank u. Unless u don't mind me being hard as a teenager!" to which i replied that I wasn't the one that was dealing with guilt and I asked how he was doing with that. He said "Fine cause I been drinkin beer and she hasn't said we're exclusive yet. If we were, nothin would have happened." I told him thats good and that made sense and to have a good night and that maybe I'd see him if the band practiced at the house this weekend. He said "cool can't wait".

I'm not sure why the part about him saying the reason we went there was because he'd been drinking beer. He was sober as far as I was concerned! But I understand the other part about nothing happening if they'd been exclusive. Something just bugged me though. I'm dealing with it. Right now it'll be very interesting to see how we relate if he commes over tomorrow.

I'm still in shock we actually had sex. But I guess looking back at the progression of our attraction and openness about it, it was inevitable.

Burbank - He's moving back down to Cali! I just talked to him for a couple hours the other night and he said his roommate and him got into it, and he's been slowly preparing to move back but now it's just pushed up to the end of the month! So I'm looking forward to him living closer!

The Singer & the rest of them

2009-10-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord, its 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake! Didn't help that I had 2 jägerbombs when I was out tonight. But I figure it's about time I update on the many men in my life.

The Singer - is currently my lead interest. It was his birthday today, er I mean yesterday since its technically already the 31st. I hadn't seen him since September 26th when he told me when his birthday was. That was an interesting night but I'll go into that a little later.

So this afternoon I decided to call and wish him a Happy Birthday. It's been something I've been debating for quite a while but whenever I hesitated I thought of what Colorado taught me, if guys can't handle me being myself then I don't want them. So I did it, and of course got voicemail. I kept it short and sweet...

Hi "The Singer", I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Birthday. Hope you're enjoying your day. Talk to you later.

As soon as I hung up I felt alright about it. I mean I wasn't sure when I was going to see him and I also know he thinks phone calls are so impersonal but I figured since I didn't know when I'd see him again it was ok.

Oddly enough though, I went to a show tonight of a mutual friend of The Singers and mine, and it turns out he was there! I was so shocked! First because I didn't expect he'd spend his birthday that way, and I also had heard him and another guy talking about going to a rave on his birthday which when I asked him about it he made it clear it wasn't something he was all that interested in doing.

But when I first saw him I was stunned and also a little embarrassed, I was wearing a cat costume since it was a mandatory costume event. I had cat ears, I had put a black nose and whiskers on my face. He was just in a regular sweatshirt. He looked good though. Really good. I finally got the courage to go up to him, the Drummer and the bassist (not to be confused with the guy I labeled "The Bassist") of his band. I could tell they were surprised by the costume but also thought I looked cute.

I got a little time to talk with The Singer. I guess he was shocked I remembered his birthday, he apparently didn't remember telling me. I got the impression he was a little freaked so I went back over and told him I hope it didn't creep him out that I called and he looked shocked and asked why would he be creeped out, but that it was just surprising because even his close friends didn't remember. I think I may have made some brownie points there.

As we talked I kept thinking of how cute he was. He was smiling ear-to-ear. My brother was ready to head out after our friends played so I said my goodbyes. One of these days I'm going to make out with that guy! I hope sooner rather then later.

I'm still so surprised by the timeline in all the events that have taken place with The Singer. I met him on New Years Eve. It was at First Kiss's bands show at a house. I remember thinking The Singer was cute then but he seemed a bit snobby. I saw him maybe two times in the first 6 months of 2009. And both times I wasn't looking my best. I believe he's seen me with no makeup on and my hair pulled back, the worst look for me! Well ok maybe I saw him more then that because their band came over to record and practice a couple times. I never felt as comfortable with them as my brothers band until their first show when I took pics. It wasn't until his band got going that I started seeing him about once-a-month or so.

June 2nd - His first show... I don't really know The Singer all that well. I (being outgoing) tease him that he should get used to getting his pic taken because when they make it big he'll have all sorts of pics taken.
July 17th - Take pics of his band's practice. He seems self conscious of me taking his pics.
July 18th - Big show with the remaining Ramones members. I got a picture with the band. I'm feeling more comfortable with him and teasing him more but nothing out of the ordinary.
August 11th - I went to a dive bar to watch his band and found him being more friendly then usual. I was laughing and cracking up by his jokes the whole night. When he first saw me he actually instigated the hug. I remember even sharing with the other band members that The Singer was in a really good mood because he'd never been so friendly with me. That was the night I realized how attractive he was.
August 15th - The Bassist invited me to their bands studio recording. I noticed The Singer made a comment about something between The Drummer and me to the Bassist. I remember thinking it was an odd comment, like he was very aware and paying close attention to the fact that something was going on between me and The Drummer.
September 3rd - He shocked me by asking if I wanted to go make out. Which he had apparently gone in to talk to The Drummer to confirm he was ok with the Singer making a move.
September 26th - He tried rubbing up against my boobs a couple times. Was more touchy. Told me he wasn't looking for anything serious in which I in turn told him I wasn't either. He asked about my brother and hadn't heard he was in the hospital and really took it to heart. Even said he was sorry and gave me a hug. Totally sweet! When I gave him a hug goodbye he held me a lot longer and kissed my cheek.
October 30th - He was flirty and seems happy that I remembered his birthday. But nothing more... We'll have to wait and see.

Ok so not that this has happened fast, but honestly if I look back at how many times I've seen him before he's made an obvious effort to seek me out is just surprising given my history with men. I mean it's not really 10 months, it's 5 events! Only 5 before he asked me to go makeout with him. It's still a low self image I guess. I mean I feel better then ever about myself but lately with all the attention I get from guys it still continually surprises me.

Well its super late and I have way too much to say about the others to post this... I'll come back maybe tomorrow.

First Kiss - I met with him Tuesday October 20th to drop off the pics I took at his bands show on September 19th. His work schedule is hectic so it was a last minute decision to meet up. I got there and he had a drink waiting for me. I really enjoyed hangin out and talking with him. We discussed a lot of random things. But we did start kissing and before I knew it, it turned into heavy kissing. I mean turning into possibly going to the bedroom kissing. He asked if I'd tuck him in, but again reminded me that he's a bit of a prude when it comes to sex but he wouldn't mind fooling around. He offered to have us do oral and next time go all the way but I told him I needed to go. I admitted my insecurities of being with him after he'd been with his ex who's got the perfect body and he told me he's liked me for a long time. That he wouldn't be pursuing anything if he didn't find me attractive. Which I knew but it's still awkward for me.

So now we're just waiting for our schedules to work out to where we can meet up again. Though he has admitted that if all we do is makeout he's ok with that. He likes me and enjoys hanging out. Oddly this makes him a good guy in my eyes. No pressure and all fun. I like this.

The Drummer - So things have been different for us. Some good, some bad. I noticed at the September 26th show that he and his cousin were a little more friendly with eachother then normal. It was something that The Bassist said that made it obvious I wasn't the first one to notice it. Knowing his past I wondered if he felt it was ok to be in a relationship with a cousin. So I decided to ask.

I sent him a text October 14th. I regretted sending the text asking him but was surprised to get a call from him a few hours later. We talked a little about it but his cell reception sucked so we agreed to meet to talk in person and I could tell he was excited to have someone to talk to about it.

I got there and sure enough he's interested in his cousin and she's into him. He wants to have a relationship with her but she's a little more freaked out about the fact that they're related. He sees nothing wrong with it and he really likes her. And to be honest it was a good talk. Though he asked what I thought about it and I told him I thought it was wrong. We debated it for a bit but I told him I'd have to think about it.

I felt the conversation went well. I could tell he appreciated that I was a true friend. He admitted he shared more with me then with anyone about his past. I was grateful that he trusted me with the information.

Then something happened... His cousin called while I was there and he admitted what he and I were talking about. She apparently didn't like that at all. She got angry with him.

Then October 19th I got a text from him at 1:45 in the morning saying "way 2 start stuff gosh darn!!!" which completely confused me. I sent him a text back asking if he meant that for me and he responded that yes it was but if I wanted to call I could.

We talked for about 2 hours about the drama of the situation with his cousin had caused him. Apparently another person told him it was the talk of the town. So he assumed I told people. I admitted people approached me about it but after he told me my suspicions were right I never told anyone. He was angry until I was able to convince him otherwise. By the end of our conversation I felt we were ok. We were joking and laughing about other things.

But I dropped off cookies last week and he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't really even seem to appreciate that I brought him cookies. I stayed 5 minutes and wished I never went. I saw him last night and he was nice enough but I was too focused on The Singer. The Drummer even thanked me for the cookies again and told me about how he brought them to work and the guys loved them.

I can tell with all this about his cousin it has made me lose my crush. It definitely changed my view of him. Anyways, I'm not sure where our friendship is as this point.

The Actor - We chatted the other day and the conversation turned sexual. He is looking forward to meeting in person. It was odd. He said he missed me. I'm a little unsure of what I feel about that. We barely know eachother. I also found out he's in a relationship! He says it's an open relationship but something tells me he's a womanizer and the relationship is only open because she's willing to take him back or let him cheat (I guess that is kind of what an open relationship is huh?). He has two kids with her too. I decided I have no problem flirting with him but I will never take him very seriously. He thinks we'd be good friends with benefits if he lived in California. He's planning on coming down soon and says he plans on being all over me while he's down here. (Sigh) Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks I'll be too busy thinking about his girlfriend and kids to think he's being honest about the open relationship.

Junior - So after the pic he's pulled away again. He's still sweet and sends texts now and then.

Fresno - Has moved back down to So Cal and wants to get together. He got a job so I'm not sure when we'll meet up. He wants to know what my schedule is like and I'm curious to see him but still unsure if I even want to meet up with him yet.

Seattle - He and I haven't emailed in quite a few months. I finally took the time to email him Friday early evening and was shocked to get a reply that same night. He has been wanting to email me too but has been really busy. I knew he was studying for a big test. I sometimes think of him as my reminder that I want to wait around for a guy like him, especially after dealing with the men I have in my life.

Washington - I sent him naked pics! Yes, you read that right. He said he's never received them so I decided why not!? I still can't believe I did it. But he was very impressed! I mean I've lost a lot of weight so I feel better about my body but it's nowhere near where I want it to be. He made me feel that I shouldn't worry about my body and that it was fine exactly as it is.

He and I have talked about our attraction. I know it's all about his personality. I haven't received many pics but he doesn't seem to be my type physically. He's funny though. And we have a great time, especially now that he isn't with the girl from Utah anymore.

Vegas - Still pursues me quite a bit. I still really regret not sleeping with him when I had the chance. I look back and realize that God must have set up the timeline for where I was mentally to save me from becoming a slut. I know this may sound funny but it's true. I still want him and if we lived closer that would be an interesting situation.

The Drummer and I have been texting and we just decided to meet up. So I'm heading off. I still need to send updates for a few more guys... Sadly there isn't much to report. Computer Geek is too busy these days. I was hoping to see Burbank soon but his finances have delayed his visit to Cali. He still talks about us hooking up whenever we talk on the phone. I think both of us are curious for another go. Geek Photographer and I have been talking quite a bit, even doing more photography things together. It's been cool. Older Guy has also been too busy to really get together. He wants to meet for drinks one of these days but that hasn't happened. Ok so I'm off for now.

If it's not one or a few, it's another!

2009-09-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! Junior and I had a texting conversation at church today. We haven't texted much lately and when his girlfriend isn't there he's more open to it. So I was flirting with him. Yes, I know... Bad girl! Anyways, I was flirting with him. It seemed like he was into it and then trying to change the subject. He thinks it's weird that I know when he's gutter brained. I told him honestly I know when he is because of how he looks at me. He jokingly said if I wanted to try something he'd be so drugged and out of it with cold meds that I could get away with anything. I told him not to tempt me but what fun was that, I wanted interaction. He said to trust him there would be no problem with interaction.

So the conversation turned more clean and after church I ended up surprisingly going to lunch with him and his fam along with my sis and her boyfriend. I didn't realize he was going. So we talked like nothing happened. A couple sly smiles but nothing more. I got a text towards the end of the lunch saying he needed a shower and asked if I did too. I laughed and told him lets go!

I left and went to Barnes & Noble and he left to go shower. We were flirting pretty heavily about him being lonely in the shower and how I told him to know I was there in spirit and to let me know how I was. And then he asked if I wanted a picture so I could feel like I was there. I told him honestly yes!!! So he did! I got a picture of him standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror! I could see everything! I was completely shocked! When he asked I thought for sure he was just teasin but sure enough he sent it. And damn he looks good! I'm still surprised he really sent it!

So far the conversation has been pretty much stopped short. He's either embarrassed he sent it or just got too busy to continue texting me. I don't mind. I'm kind of unsure of what to think of myself and him! I feel dirty and wrong but I can't help but keep looking at it! Very nice!

First Kiss

2009-09-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Wow... Just wow... How do all these guys come out of the wood work?

First Kiss - Because I'm in the music scene where I live I know a lot of band guys. Well my First Kiss happens to be (take a wild guess...) a drummer. Well he and I have been here and there during these shows and it's been interesting running into him now and again. Well lately I've seen a lot of him and we've rekindled the friendship. He sadly is separated from his wife and I made a valiant effort to keep in touch and let him know he was in my prayers.

It was my birthday earlier this month and I had a bbq this last weekend. I invited First Kiss and he showed up. When I walked him out that night he gave me a kiss. Simple, clean (no tongue) but still a kiss. I was a little surprised but felt that it was just a friendly gesture.

I got a text from him this morning thanking me for the kiss. One thing led to another and I'm on my way to his place tonight for dinner. I am unsure of how to feel about all this. I guess I can share the texting conversation between us. I really was attempting to just be cute and flirty and before I knew it he was telling me he doesn't do the whole deal (sex) on the first date but because of work the next date won't be for another 2-4 weeks and he said he could wait and asked if I could!

First Kiss had sent me a text inviting me to his next gig...

Me: Hey there hot stuff! Thanks 4 stoppin by my bbq last night! & i'll try 2 b there but think i have a photo thing that night.
First Kiss: Sugar I don't expect you to pay 7 bucks to see us. And thanks for the bbq invite. And the kiss!
Me: Lol why don't u expect that? & u'r very welcome! 4 both ;-) It was a pleasant surprise. & I was really glad u came. I hope u had a good time. :) Just let me know when u'r in the mood 4 strawberries & cream*! ;-) lol!

*strawberries & cream reference: At my bbq I didn't have a cake for my dessert I had strawberries & cream. I offered him some and he jokingly told me he shouldn't do that because he associates strawberries and cream with sex! I teasingly said... Good to know! He responded that I should stop by any time with strawberries and cream! :)

First Kiss: I'm always in that mood! Always!
Me: Haha! :-D so when u gettin home from work tonight? Lol ok, ok... just kidding... I'll b a good girl.
First Kiss: I have no time for good girls! Haha unless they have a bad streak. Unfortunately I'm working 3 hours from home and get up at 3am. no telling when I'm getting back
Me: Do u really think i'm all "good girl"? I think u know by now that good girl image is just a facade. ;-) that bad streak is bubbling below the surface lol!
First Kiss: Mmmmm bubbling.
Me: Question is who's gonna b there when it explodes to the surface? ;-) hehe fun thoughts! Well i know u'r workin so have a good day & i'm gonna enjoy taking care of myself this morning thinking of the possibilities of u, me & some strawberries & cream!
First Kiss: Damn you just made me hungry!

Our texting conversation stopped for a couple hours at this point because something came up that I had to deal with.

First Kiss: Hey I asked (bandmate) last night what he put on youtube that you recorded and it was the song corporation. So how was I this morning? :)
Me: Lol!!!! Sadly I was detained from that pleasure but intend 2 go there later ;-) i'll let u know! & thanks 4 checking w/ (bandmate), i want 2 check it out.
First Kiss: You should save the pleasure for me you have a hair trigger
Me: Ok i think i should know what u mean but i don't! Lol hair trigger? & absolutely would love 2 save that pleasure 4 u! :-D
First Kiss: I mean you will be pleased more easily if you wait for the real thing. A hair trigger on a gun fires easily.
Me: Of course the real thing is ALWAYS better but how long will I have 2 wait? Lol i have some serious needs right now! ;-) might as well get mediocure satisfaction until i can get the real thing, right? & when i get the real thing appreciate it that much more! Basically i can't wait, get ur ass up here!
First Kiss: Well it's looking more promising for tonight than any other time in the next couple weeks with these jobs I'm on
Me: I just realized... I've changed a lot since u & i "hung out" back in the day :-D & really? Wow... Could I actually do this?! Damn temptations!
First Kiss: You haven't changed. You are just old enough to know that doing pleasurable things doesn't make you a bad person. You won't burn in hell for giving me some love.
Me: Lol! Guess thats true... ;-) U have no idea how tempted i am!
First Kiss: I'm not a do the whole deal on the first date guy. but my works gonna keep me from a second one, prob for 2 to 4 weeks. I can wait. Can you?
Me: Hehe yes i can wait. :-) i've been waiting for a while now lol whats a few more weeks? Hehe
First Kiss: Of course I can take care of you without taking my pants off. That's my favorite and it leaves something for the second date.
Me: Lol! Damn just the thought made me wet! But I'm kinda like u in not going crazy on the first date. It still takes me a bit 2 b comfortable w/ someone. :)
First Kiss: Well you should be comfy with me already but I know what you mean.
Me: Hehe yeah I guess u'r right. We'll have 2 see how it goes. :)
First Kiss: Looks like this is the only day for the next couple weeks I will be home before 7, which is my bed time since I get up at 3. Want to cruise over for dinner?
Me: Sure :) so what time should I get there then? & I'll need a refresher on how 2 get 2 ur place.
First Kiss: Not sure yet I'm in stopped traffic on the 105 freeway
Me: Ok just let me know when u have an idea :)

Anyways, it's time to head over there. I knew I wouldn't have time to finish the post. But I wanted this started so when I got back I can be ready to share...

...

Ok so dinner with First Kiss was Monday and its now Wednesday. I got over there and he was making dinner. We had a shot of tequila before and red wine with a yummy steak dinner. It was a nice time. I really enjoyed our conversation. He had warned me it would have to be an early night because of him needing to be up at 3am the next day for work. He was a gentleman the entire night. We were talking after we cleared the table and he went in for the kiss. It was gentle, sweet and not too much tongue. We kissed a few more times on the way out to my car but that was it.

I was proud of myself and was impressed with him truly being considerate of my feelings. I told him in our texting conversation that it took me a bit to be comfortable with someone. He said I should be comfortable with him but that he understood. This was in response to him offering to take care of me this time around and it would leave more for our next date.

I'm still unsure of how I feel about him and I even doing anything physical since his divorce isn't finalized. Sadly when I first met him 12 years ago he was only separated from his first wife then too! I was so young, so naive! And here I am again kissing a married man! And strongly considering having sex with him! Ugh!

The Drummer - Let’s rewind to the night of the bbq. The Drummer and I have been cool since the show where The Singer hit on me. I called him a couple days before the bbq to confirm he and his roommate were coming and he told me he hadn't forgotten he owed me a transvestite version of Marilyn Monroe singing "Happy Birthday Mr President" but that he was waiting for the right moment.

The day of my bbq he showed up about when most people did, maybe a tad late. I had put together pictures of the last year on my digital photoframe so everyone could see what I'd been up to in the last year of my life. The Drummer is in a lot of those pics. I even have pics of one of our earliest meetings (during my last birthday) where not even knowing him he was leaning to kiss my cheek. I still remember the day he came to band practice and I gave all the guys hugs but him (just because I didn't know him that well) and him giving me a hard time about not getting one, so I went over to give him one too... I guess you could say that's the start of it all for me. Ok sorry that was a side tangent....

Back to the photoframe. He was mesmerized by it! It was quite cute. I had pics of me with other guys & he asked me about them! hehe It was at some point of him checking out the pics that I had the guts to ask him if he had talked to The Singer about our night, part of me wondered if that's why The Singer asked me to make out with him or something. The Drummer then turns to me and says, no, how could I talk about something I don't even remember? And I do believe he has an interest in you. I told him that The Singer approached me at the last show and The Drummer said The Singer actually came to him at that show to ask if he (the Drummer) and I were dating. The Drummer told him no so that must have been when The Singer decided to make his move. I told him I was surprised and The Drummer teasingly said, it's not like guys aren't attracted to you! Apparently The Singer "threatened to come" to my bbq. I was hoping he would have but with what takes place later I'm kind of glad he didn't. I should be seeing The Singer not this weekend but next. I'll be curious to how he relates to me then.

During the bbq I tended to stick close by him when I could. At one moment I put my arm around his waist and he put his arm over my shoulder and we stayed like that for quite a while. Even with my brother walking around us. So at around 10 he tells me he's gonna head home and I was kind of bummed but understood. I walked people out and before I knew it everyone had gone home but The Drummer, The Bassist & his date.

The Drummer was giving me a hard time that it was my bday bbq and I did most of the work that he decided he wanted to take me out for a drink to relax. It was supposed to be me, him, The Bassist and his date but the Bassist & his date ditched out last minute. We went to his roommates bar. As we drove there we were talking and I asked him what he officially told the Singer. This was the start of our endless question and answer session that night.

As the night progressed I was able to ask him EVERY question I ever had and he seemed to give me straightforward answers! It was very therapeutic. In the end it was decided that yes, we both have an attraction to one another, we mean something to each other but our beliefs and lifestyle would never make for a good relationship. The Drummer is not able to give more then a one-nighter where he's at emotionally and I know I'm not emotionally untied to him to be able to just have a one-nighter with him. He mentioned that maybe give him a year and see where we're at.

He challenged me to ask him more questions and I decided for the blunt and asked if he wanted to fuck me, he said yes but then told me to ask if he would fuck me and I told him I didn't want to know that answer, which of course was no. Then I asked if he'd make out with me, and he asked how far and I said whatever, he said he'd give me a kiss with a little tongue and so we kissed. It was very nice! I really REALLY enjoyed kissing him. He's a good kisser. I like his style. It was very tender, slow and yummy! I thanked him and he got frustrated because he felt like thanking him made him feel like he did me the favor when in fact it was what he wanted.

On top of all this honesty I kept drinking... By the end of the night I had 7 shots and 1 beer! I was totally feeling it! I couldn't believe I had drunk so much but The Drummers roommate just kept bringing them! We decided to stay till his roommate was off because he had to take her home because she has no license because of a DUI. Yes, they are all hardcore drinkers! No wonder I've been drinking more and more since hanging out with them!

Anyways, I really like The Drummer! Like, REALLY! I realize it would be a bad relationship and in all honesty I am thankful he's the one with the level head about it, because I'm not. And actually I'm thankful he respects me enough not to go forward with just using me. He said I mean a lot to him. That he's VERY attracted to me. He even told me my weight wasn't an issue that he's wanted me even at my heaviest, though he would be honest that he's noticed the weight loss. But that I'm adorable. He admitted that I've scared him away at times. He also noticed that he hasn't succeeded at keeping off of me when he has the opportunity.

As far as The Singer asking if we were dating, apparently the Bassist has talked smack about us being involved. I'm still not sure about all that. I thought it interesting that The Singer even thought there was something going on between us. I jokingly told him it was no secret that I had a crush on The Drummer. I wasn't shy about letting it be known, but the idea that they would also feel the need to ask The Drummer... interesting.

No, I'm not reading more into that then there is. We've made the decision. No relationship. I will probably always want him. But he's a messed up individual! I've been learning more about his past and some of the things he told me are really sick & twisted… things that will mess with someone for their entire life. Things I don't think I could get past. He's a heavy drinker for a reason. He's had a rough life. His beliefs are definitely a little out there. He believes in anarchy. He's been in jail and been the punisher when someone didn't pay their debt.

My brother doesn't like the idea that The Drummer and I are getting closer. He feels that if the Drummer gets too comfortable he will turn on us in a moment. I have more faith in The Drummer then that but I can understand my brothers concerns now. The things he's been through and done. Though I do believe I have a better understanding of The Drummer then my brother does, that I know more then my brother. I think that also scares the Drummer. He's been rambling to me the last few times we've talked. He's even commented that it's a nice change to have someone keep asking the questions. So we'll see what happens over the next year of us knowing each other.

I'm going to head off and look at some of my bday bbq pics!

The Singer too!?! Really!?

2009-09-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have to add a new guy! The lead singer to the drummer and bassists other band! But before I got into that story I realize I need to update what's happened with The Drummer.

The Drummer - Ok so apparently he's saying he doesn't remember our night, or the next day. Apparently he woke up on that Sunday and thought it was Saturday. Either way he avoided talking with me. In my last post I mentioned that I was invited to a local show by the Bassist the Tuesday after (Aug 11th). That went fine. No major drama. He didn't treat me rude but wasn't very flirty either.

On the way home I mentioned to them that I noticed the singer was in a really good mood because he was being really friendly and funny. That night the singer went out of his way to come give me a hug. He hung out with me, joking and laughing about the show and the other band. I decided at that moment that he was perfect for my friend. He was everything she loves in guys. And he's hot! I knew he was ultra critical but he was cracking me up that night. I had A LOT of fun because of him. I kept texting my friend telling her she had to come to one of their shows to meet this guy. I even took a picture and sent it to her. :) Eventually I was telling her that I was falling in love with him for her!

I was invited by the Bassist to their studio session that Saturday (Aug 15th) and there the Drummer and I were somehow in the same car driving to grab some food. In that drive he told me he didn't remember what happened that night and asked what happened and laughingly asked "we weren't naked were we?" And I said, actually yes we were! He was shocked! I'm still skeptical if he could honestly black out the entire weekend but oh well. So he asked how I could let him get that far with me and I told him I couldn't help myself. And added that we both had been drinking. His response was something like, well something tells me that will always happen if you combine me and you with alcohol. We got back to the studio and couldn't talk much so he text me "If the day comes when we're both naked again, i want 2 b soberish! ;)"

I didn't stay at the studio long. I got to hear a little of the Drummer being recorded and a little of The Singer being recorded before I had to go pick my brother up from the airport.

I saw The Drummer August 23rd, when my brothers band came over to record at the house. I only saw him for a short moment. My heart was pounding out my chest and I was pissed at my reaction to him. He was flirty which didn't make it any easier. I sent a couple text after I left and he never replied.

I'm having a birthday bbq next Saturday which he confirmed he wouldn't miss.

My brother went out of town again, he actually will be going out of town for a week out of every month. So I took the opportunity to ask the Drummer if he wanted to hang out to which he replied he was going out of town. This is where I made a bit of a mistake. I replied "of course you are! should I give up trying?" and I never got a reply. So ... I decided I'm done pursuing him and responded with "hehe I'll take that as a "yes". Have a fun time this weekend cutie & let me know if/when u want 2 hang out :-)" I wasn't bitchy but it was an official decision to stop trying to make something happen with him.

So I haven't seen the guys in the band till this last Thursday (Sept 3rd) for a show down in Anaheim. I always go and I am pretty much their photographer. I offered to drive anyone who wanted to go with me. The Drummer set it up to where he and I drove down to the show alone together. I was surprised because he's basically avoided me since that night we almost had sex. I kept my cool. Didn't force the conversation. He opened up about a lot of stuff about his past. I was very interested in hearing all his drama. He tends to go for girls that are bi-polar, which I'm not. I teased him that he needs to look for a girl thats not bipolar and he said he wasn't sure there were any and I said "we" are out there. He told me about being shot 5 times by gang members when he was like 21. He even felt awkward that he was sharing so much. I was realizing more and more he's definitely led a different life then myself and that I'm VERY naive in comparison to what he's been through. He talked a little about his jail time. We talked about both our experiences being unemployed for so long and the stress of living off of unemployment benefits.

We get to the show and he offered to get me in for free as his guest which I thought was sweet. His cousins were coming to the show and he said he didn't care if they had to pay when the other band members asked about giving his guest spot to one of them. His roommate came too (who also had to pay) and yet drove down with the bassist, which was the major sign that he was making an effort to spend time with me alone on the trip down.

The show was good. It was extremely hot and taking pics on top of that I ended up sweating like crazy. I felt like my face was dripping! My friend was finally able to come to the show and see and meet The Singer. She made it to the show late and missed their performance but once she saw him she was drooling! It was quite funny. He was being funny and talkative again. And the whole time I was making it easier for him to check him out.

The Singer - Later in the evening we were talking outside and waiting for everyone so we could leave and my friend went in to find out where everyone was at. The singer came over to me and under his breath so no one standing near us could hear asked "wanna make out?" And I was shocked! My mouth dropped to the floor I'm sure. I did a double take and couldn't help myself and said yes! So he said we should meet once we got to the house and dropped everyone off. Then casually walked back to where he was standing when my friend got back.

I couldn't believe what just happened! I felt horrible about trying to focus my friend on him! And I realized at that moment that I've liked him ever since the show on Aug 11th! When I said I was falling in love with him for her, I meant it! Well ok maybe not "love" but "in lust" for sure! Then I felt a sinking feeling about what to tell my friend. I have a history of stealing guys from her and honestly I thought the singer was so critical he would never be the kind of guy to give me a second glance! I mean I'm not saying he's asking to marry me or even be in a relationship, it's just kissing... But... You have to be attracted to someone to want to make out with them right?! And now the conversation with The Drummer that night where he opened up about another band member really liking me and him getting completely defensive about it, now makes sense. I think it's The Singer!

Sadly the night didn't work out the way The Singer and I had hoped. Everyone found out it was my birthday the next day, and at midnight they all sang happy birthday to me, and they wanted to take me out for a drink. By the time we'd finished last call The Singer wasn't at the house where we were dropping everyone off. I haven't talked to him since. I'm VERY curious to how our future interactions will be.

But I've relived conversations and situations with The Singer and the first time I noticed he was different towards me was the (Aug 11th) show I talked about where he was in a really good mood. I look back at this day and realize there were signs of the Singers interest. But I have no idea! And the worst part is that I'd totally makeout with him without any consideration to my friend! I'm actually hoping we get the opportunity! My other friend says that's totally messed up and horrible that I would chance ruining a friendship over a makeout session. And I'm thinking, why would my other friend have to know? hehe I know I'm messed up!

I've invited him to my birthday bbq but I'm not sure if he'll show up. So it'll be interesting to see what happens. They have another show on September 26th so if he doesn't show at the bbq I'll see him then.

The Bassist

2009-08-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

So the Bassist... Gosh, is that really what I should call him? He's the guitarist of the other band that he and the Drummer are in. He's also a hair stylist and not in the gay way either! Hmmm.... I guess since I've always referred to him as The Bassist, I'll keep it at that.

I just got done stopping by my sisters work. She's a hair stylist and works at the same salon as the Bassist. Anyways, the Bassist was there and jokin with me about my partying on Friday. It appears The Drummer hasn't shared that I was over there with him otherwise I'm sure he would have mentioned it. I'm glad.

On my way over to my sisters I stopped and grabbed her a coffee. She called and when I told her it was "just because" she thought it was sweet. The Bassist heard it was me and said it was because of him, that I just wanted to see him so I'm using it as an excuse. When I laughed and told her that was exactly the reason and she told him and he said he needed that. Apparently things aren't going so well with his girlfriend. They've been off and on for a while now.

But... I was invited to a show tonight. The Drummer hasn't contacted me and I am unsure of how he'd respond to that. I'm sure the Bassist will tell him at practice tonight. Either way the Bassist told me he wants to meet before the show for a drink. It wasn't until he walked away that my sister told me he was really bummed he didn't reply to my text on Friday night. He told my sister that he really missed out! The look on my sisters face was interesting. I wonder if she suspects he likes me or not. She's not likely to imagine he would.

So I actually text The Drummer just to let him know The Bassist had invited me and asked if he would be cool with that since he asked for a couple days. He replied immediately that of course he'd be cool with that but I responded that I was just checking because I wanted to respect his request. He then called me and we talked a little but just about how he's been dealing with unemployment issues and had a lot on his mind and he said he would see me tonight so I guess we'll see how that goes.

ACK!

2009-08-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

The Drummer - Another "Holy Shit" Night! Friday night I went out with the girls for some drinks.

So setting up how this all came about... We stayed at a local brewery and decided once that died down we weren't ready to end the night. I had already had a couple drinks which is my usual cutoff point. I text the bassist from the band for suggestions of where to go on a friday night but he didn't reply. So I decided to text The Drummer. I was surprised to get the response that he had a jacuzzi and it was a nice night out so we should come on over. I told him we didn't have suits but we'd stop by. He was delayed in his replies so we decided to go to a bar I knew of and it was also close to his place so when we got directions we could just head over there. I didn't have good reception at this place so our texting conversation spread out over about an hour. I didn't get a couple of the texts till after I left the bar even. He was basically offering to meet me at the bar or come pick me up since I said I'd have to wait to head over there since I had just had a couple more shots in a row and needed to mellow out before driving. One of my friends wanted to get home so I dropped her back off at her car before heading over to his place. My other friend stayed with me.

We got to The Drummers at about 1:30am. I could tell once we got there that he himself had been drinking quite a bit. But he immediately offered to get me another drink and I went for it. At this point I've consumed more alcohol then I have in years! My friend, me and the Drummer debated some rather silly topics, maybe the topics weren't silly but the arguments were rather silly.

One thing I noticed early on is The Drummer did NOT like my friend. I noticed that even us all being drunk I understood what he was meaning just because I know him, whereas she got easily offended or confused or even frustrated with the lack of complete thought. Which in all honesty I thought rather messed up considering we were debating drunk!

Either way, as the night progressed and with each bathroom break my friend took The Drummer got closer. First telling me that the reason he hasn't asked me out is soley out of respect for my brother. Second kissing me on the cheek for some reason. Third was a kiss on the lips. Fourth full on make out session. Fifth we didn't even stop when she came back! haha I was kinda surprised with my own behavior!

It was interesting how much he shared. I still have a lot of questions for him but I may not get my answers just yet if ever (I'll explain that more later). Apparently he's liked me from the beginning! He asked if I noticed how many women he's dated since we've started getting to know each other. I guess he's not the only one interested. He even got somewhat aggressive when asking why I liked him because there was a better looking guy out there interested in me. When I seemed shocked by this he didn't believe that I didn't know who he was referring to and when I argued that I really had no clue he said he wasn't going to tell me. It was odd. He kept saying he missed me. Missed coming over all the time. At one point in the evening he said I was the most beautiful person he'd ever met. And to be honest my thoughts were, does he think I'm someone else and/or is this his attempt to get into my pants.

By 4am he was having a hard time keeping his hands off me even when my friend was around and that's not something I usually do. So I told him I should go not out of frustration but just that it was late. My friend picked up my keys and gave me some privacy to say my goodbyes. And what happened next was kinda crazy. I'm not going to go into detail but it was like with every effort to keep my clothes on, more came off! As much as I've wanted to have sex with him, I didn't want it to be with both of us being drunk. He was a bit aggressive at times but if I looked him right in the eyes and told him I didn't want it this way he would back off. I told him to come over Sunday night because I had the house to myself and he agreed. I would get whatever clothes back where they belonged we'd start kissing again and it would start all over. Each time, more clothes coming off. At one point we were both naked in his room on his bed and I swear for a moment I almost just said forget it, and let him go for it but somehow I refrained. I got my clothes on permanently this time and he walked me out and kissed me goodnight.

My friend was asleep in the car when I got out there and by this time it was after 5am! I got home and set up a bed for my friend in my office and I crashed! I woke up at 8:15 not able to go back to sleep so after an hour of thinking about all that took place the night before I finally just decided to get up. My friend was up and had been talking with my brother. It was then that I saw it! I got a hicky on my neck and my hair was pulled up. It was only lightly discolored but still! I was hoping my brother didn't see it. It was hard enough to explain why I got home so late because there was no way in hell I was going to tell him I spent the evening with The Drummer. I slowly got ready and decided as much as I didn't feel hungry, food was probably a wise choice. As I ate my breakfast I was shocked to see that The Drummer was calling me! It was about 11.

I took the call in my room and to my MAJOR surprise he remembered the night before and was very excited about the chain of events that brought me over to his place. He couldn't remember all the details but said he woke up surprised not to see my face sleeping next to him. He was worried he had something to make me angry and leave. He reiterated all the things he said while drunk which shocked me even more! Here he was sober telling me that he's liked me for a long time and was really glad I came over and he was hoping he didn't embarrass himself too much by how drunk he was. He then shared (without me asking) that all the guys involved with the band think I'm really pretty but the bassist of the band is the other person who's been interested in asking me out but won't because of the situation with my brother and his dislike of my sisters current boyfriend (who used to be a good friend of his). We talked about each of our surprise at finding out how much we liked each other without really knowing it. He said his head hurt and he was glad to see I made it home safely. When I told him I wasn't ever going to tell my brother where I was he said he was bitter about the situation with my brother. That he didn't think it was fair he couldn't ask me out. We joked that if I got pregnant and we had to tell my brother how he'd react. Not pleasant!

Not only was I surprised by all his confessions but just that he called! He never really seems to make much effort to communicate. Our conversation was cut off by him running out of minutes. So he kept texting me which surprised me even more! He asked me to come over. I told him I had to take my brother to the airport and then I had a bbq to go to. He was bummed and asked me to skip the bbq and head over after I dropped my brother off, I agreed to.

So after dropping off my brother I head over to his place. I get there and his roommate tells me he's asleep and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to wake him. So I left him a note on his bed where I could see he really was conked out. I knew he didn't have minutes so I wasn't sure how or when we'd communicate or if he even remembered he had agreed to come over Sunday night.

So Saturday I actually slept a lot. I was still recovering from the alcohol the night before and of course with all irony started my period on top of that! Sunday I went to church and suddenly felt very guilty for my behavior, not because of church, it was in the worship I struggled with everything and how far I went. As I worshiped I asked God for forgiveness but also struggled with doing so because I knew I was still sooo very tempted to have The Drummer come over and have sex with him, and still felt that it was a high possibility and had an excitement about that possibility. It wasn't until the message that my whole perspective changed. The title of the message was "You Are Forgiven"!!! And it was referring to Gods acceptence and immediate forgiveness when we seek it. I started tearing up within the first couple minutes of the message. I went up after for prayer, prayer for strength because even then I still had every intention of sleeping with The Drummer this week and having just asked for forgiveness I knew this was the wrong way to look at it.

And as soon as I got prayer I felt different. Uncertain. Not sure how to approach the situation. I mean in all the times I had fantasized about sleeping with him it was purely physical and with the things he shared it seemed it could turn more emotional if I allowed myself to sleep with him. But I knew he and I would never be compatible for a relationship with our different views on a lot of things. I had decided at that point to ask The Drummer a few questions. I needed to find out if he was wanting it to be more like a relationship or just a one-night-stand or maybe even just friends with benefits. At this point I think that last one is going to be near impossible but who knows. I'd still like to talk to him about where he's at with this whole thing.

Sunday night I text him asking if he had minutes and this is what followed.
The Drummer: I don't by the way, i'm so sorry about the weekend no one should deal with me when i'm drunk
Me: Ooops sorry... No worries... Just wondering when i get to see u
The Drummer: I don't know i'm a little ashamed of myself and have 2 figure some things out u rock so i don't want 2 take advantage of u
Me: Hey i'm in the same boat... I think we're on the same page. But i'd still like 2 talk about it. Unless u think even that is a bad idea.
The Drummer: Not a bad idea give me a day or 2?
Me: I can do that. :-) i'll let you contact me but please don't avoid me. Just know i think u'r great & want u in my life at the very least as a good friend k?
The Drummer: Absolutely :-)

So it looks like it's all going to work out in the end. We both will agree it was a mistake. We'll feel more comfortable flirting, at least I hope so... I feel good about the possibilities but who knows if he'll even contact me in a day or two. I plan on doing my very best to not make the first move since I told him I'd let him contact me. And I've got to accept that this could be the end of any open communication. The Sunday he hit on me he never brought up again until Friday night when we were intertwined and involved in heavy petting. I think I'll miss the openness of those moments. We completely opened up. Even the next morning. He told me things he remembered about the night. Specific things he enjoyed learning about me (like how I had a text ready to send to him inviting him over when my brother went out of town in my draft folder for at least a week, or that I shave down there and even that I was strong enough to hold off and wait till we were both sober). Complete openness and now I have a feeling his shame is going to make him close up again. I really hope not. The fact that he said he needed a day or two makes me hope he really will meet with me before my brother comes back in town. We'll see, but I'm not holding my breath.

When it rains it pours...

2009-07-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

So when it rains it pours. All the same week the drummer hit on me. I must have had some aura go out into the universe to let guys know I was horny.

Junior - We were sitting in church a couple weeks ago. His girlfriend wasn't there because she was working. He sends me a text about the message and then it starts somewhere in the middle of the service...

Junior: Haha first im thinkin you sure are purty and I wnder if uve had any dreams lately and i'm thinking i just got convicted on tithing. :-(
Me: Haha :-D well now I'm blushing! And sadly no dreams like that ;-) not recently anyways....

Then after the service...

Junior: Do u want to cme to the bac room wit me? ;-)
Me: Be right there! Oh darn mike's back there!
Junior: Not any more.

It never worked out for me to get back there but when he walked by me he gave me a huge grin. Then as we were leaving he was hugging everyone goodbye and passed right by me. I made him give me a hug before he left then received another text shortly after he drove away.

Junior: I didn't kno if i could control myself if I hugged u lol!
Me: Haha what would you have done if I really showed up in the back room?! You are such a tease!
Junior: Hah idk it was kinda spure of the moment so whatever came to mind first ;-)
Me: Haha now that could have been fun! :-D
Junior: Definitely! We could have even locked the door! hehe
Me: Ooooh now you're definitely giving me material for some dreams lol!!! So naughty ;-) But do the dreams count if I'm still awake? ;-) lol
Junior: Lol ur a funny funny girl! I love it!
Me: Yeah I'm also a bad girl! ;-) I'm not holding back like I should... Sorry I can't help myself... Hehe you don't seem to mind, do you?
Junior: Haha its ok u can be a VERY bad girl! Lol does that answer ur question?
Me: Lol! If I had the guts i think you'd have been VERY surprised if I did show up in the back room lol!!!! But alas I have to be good... 0;-) Maybe if you're ever single again hehe
Junior: Hah it would have been a pleasant surprize hun!!! :-) and alright i might have to become single to see what happens... Ok so now that u have me al hot and wanting u... I miss u "clandestine"! :-) :-P
Me: haha!!! You are SOOO not helping me think pure thoughts here! Lol!!! And I miss you too "Junior"! ;-) I'm kinda wishin I did sneak back there with you! ;-) but I'm all talk... I'd never make the first move.
Junior: Hah "Clandestine" ur killin me! I'm wishin that too! Dont wry that wouldn't have been a problem with me ;-) but i'm the same dont worry!
Me: Haha! What wouldn't be a problem with you? Making the first move? Or that you're all talk too?
Junior: Making the first move of course! :-P im sorry let me kno if i'm making u uncomfortable.
Me: Haha with tongue even!? Lol!!! :-D And I'm only feeling guilty not uncomfortable!
Junior: O im sry.. Even with whatever feels good Hah im sry ill quit it.
Me: Haha please don't quit! ;-) Well ok if you need to stop i'll *try* to be good.
Junior: Haha i dont need to well until sh gets here. I want u "clandestine"! ;-)
Me: Haha! Dito "Junior"! DITO!!! And honestly its quite flattering! This might be a silly question but how many other girls do you flirt like this with?
Junior: None just u! How about u? Well guys i mean. Unless ur into girls and I dont mind that at all trust me! Jkin haha or not lol
Me: Haha! Well the only other guys is the drummer. A couple weeks ago he propositioned me! Quite the story! But nothing since. Did you know i have a thing for drummers? ;-)
Junior: hah i kinda noticed lol! I just got an awesome tan! :-)
Me: Haha!!! Is it that obvious? I figured its gotta be about their rhythm. ;-) I'm bad i know! A tan? Blushing or what?
Junior: Hahahaha ur funny! Yea my whiteness is going away. Lol except below the waist. lol
Me: Oh see that wasn't fair! Now I'm thinkin about your white parts lol!!!! And now I'm blushing! :-D all i have to say is no one better get a chance to read this
Junior: Haha hah! i love u "clandestine"! No one will see it i promise! u too!
Me: Yeah no one has access to my phone. ;-) This is our little secret! I'm feeling like I'm in the wrong not putting a stop to this... But not enough to actually stop! hehe You are definitely sexy "Junior"! I definitely want you too! And havin naughty thoughts involving the back room at the church!
Junior: Haha i love it im soo glad we have a naughty little secret lol. Could u imagine if we ever ended up back there together on accident hah what fun.
Me: haha yup i'm enjoying it too! beyond fun! Especially if you make the first move like you said... Though my imagination has put me in the dominating role! ;-) Sorry about the delay ... my friend called! She's coming over to hang out tonight. :-)
Junior: That's cool i don't mind "Girlfriend" is heading over anyways. Im sorry... So whatchu guys going to do. Haha I would like it if u dominated heck yes!
Me: Haha thanks for the warning... ;-) I'll be good till you let me know I can be bad again. ;-) hehe yeah just imagine me pushing you up against a wall to start! ;-) And she and I are going to watch a movie and catch up. I'm going to make her dinner too.
Junior: O man "clandestine" ur really mean! I like it! And ill let u kno dont worry! ;-)
Me: Haha! Sorry... ;-) but i wouldn't mind if that role was reversed. hehe have fun!
Junior: Hah well see maybe.. Just remember our code word if were ever alone!
Me: Superduper?! Or something else?
Junior: That one will work! Love ya "clandestine" i kinda want us to be alone sometime! ;-)
Me: Love ya too "Junior"! And we'll have to see if that opportunity arises! Hehe it will be interesting to see if we both have the guts if it does happen! :-) right now i know i would!
Junior: Me too definitely! Im kinda excited lol!
Me: Is it wrong to say I am too? :)

I didn't hear from him for a few days after this. We had a church function the Wednesday night after and when I hugged him goodbye he whispered in my ear that all he wanted to do was take me to the back room!

On the 4th of July we were texting and apparently my sister had agreed to go with his family to see the fireworks and he made a silly joke that he "heard we might make o i mean see fireworks tonight?" I couldn't help but smile at the cheesiness of it.

I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut one day when I was at the church dropping something off. I had to text him.
Me: I'm at the church all by me lonesome! Even in the back room ;-) too bad you weren't here! lol
Junior: Dang i was trying to get off work to come see u, but my boss said i had to stay :-(
Me: Awh man! :-( That would have been awesome!!! Thanks for trying! ;-) i saw a car the color of yours drive by as i was walking out and i stopped in my tracks hehe
Junior: Hah one of these days!
Me: haha its a must at this point! :-P
Junior: :-D Definitely!...

The Drummer - I had randomly text the drummer a few times after that Sunday. He never replied and I finally gave up on hearing back from him. Since that Sunday when he propositioned me the band hasn't practiced at the house! We got our second noise violation since living in this community and our landlady said she will get fined if she gets another one. So my brother said no more practices for a while, if ever. :( I've missed seeing him every weekend.

I finally saw him at the last gig which was Saturday and he was sweet as usual. He apparently has been going through a rough time and he realized something was wrong when his biggest drinking buddies came to him and said they were worried about him. He had been sober a week and a half as of that Saturday. I could tell he felt good about this and I was really proud of him and beyond happy because I too had become worried about his drinking.

I had met his really good friend a few months back at my house. Well he was at this show and immediately we started talking. Honestly I got the impression he's heard a lot about me. Whether through the Drummer or the bassist. We ended up going on a beer run for the show, the show was in a courtyard. He must have heard my brother can't stand his friends hitting on his sisters because he made sure to tell him that he and I were going for a beer run and were going to have some car sex after that! Once we got in the car he heard a song I was playing which was a goth club song and it was a little naughty, so he said he was joking to my brother but now he wasn't too sure. lol He was quite funny and hit on me quite a bit. In my mind I was thinking, if the Drummer's friends like me, this is only good for me. Silly, I know.

The interesting thing to me is, I can see myself really falling for The Drummer. Like relationship kind of falling for him. He didn't flirt like crazy with me but he was very aware of my presence throughout the night. When I left he gave me a really big hug. He knew I had driven all day then went to their show so he was really tender and adamant about telling me to get home safely and get some sleep. I finally felt confident enough to ask him about the text messages and he said he never got them because his phone has been off half the time. I believed him but was hesitant to and he could tell because he smiled, winked and brought me in for another hug. I literally had to stop myself from saying something stupid like "love you" when we ended our embrace. Then he said they'd be recording this week at the house. It was like he wanted me to know he'd see me soon. Though sadly it hasn't happened yet and it's Thursday. I will see him Saturday during a shoot for his other band.

I realized the next day that I like him... A LOT! Like my crush on Computer Geek. There was a time I knew I couldn't have him but I wanted him more then I let him know. I mean sure he knew I wanted him, that wasn't a secret. The Drummer knows I want him too. But the idea of moving forward with something more serious with Computer Geek was definitely there. I feel that way about The Drummer. My crush has gone beyond my typical crush. Though I'm not naive enough to think The Drummer thinks of me like that, or even thinks of me at all. (Sigh)

Burbank - He called me when I was driving back down to Southern California, I had spent the weekend in Northern Califorina last weekend. My sister was driving and listening to her music so I decided to hold off on calling him until I was home. I ended up calling him Tuesday morning but didn't have a lot of time to talk. He saw me online last night and asked if I wanted to chat on the phone so we did. It was a GREAT conversation! I was laughing most of the time. I believe we started to talk before 11pm and finally I had to tell him I needed to get some sleep at 3am! It was so much fun. We were both enjoying the conversation.

He said after our conversation Tuesday he thought about my need to move somewhere since my brother is moving to Texas, and that we should get a place together since he's considering moving back to California. I, of course, thought of us having sex that one night and apparently he was on the same wavelength. He told me that after he started thinking about the idea of us living together then he realized we could get into trouble, but it might be fun trouble. He also knew my parents would never be cool with him and I living together, which of course is true. It was interesting to know he thought about us having sex again. He suddenly asked when I was coming up for a visit! I laughed and told him if the finances were there I'd definitely make the trip up there.

Through the course of the conversation I was surprised to find out he hasn't had sex since we did. I mean, for me I'm not surprised I haven't had sex with anyone since. But to find out he hasn't was slightly surprising. He's had girls come to visit him and I thought for sure they had since they would go camping or spend the weekend at his place.

I am curious if we'll ever have sex again. I know it was good and I really enjoyed it. But part of me knew it was just a one time thing. Though the idea of being friends with benefits with him doesn't sound half bad. I know I wouldn't want a relationship with him. But then I'm afraid if we continue to have sex it's bound to turn into more or my emotions would get too involved. I think he likes the idea of sleeping with me again because he 1) knows I'm open to doing anything sexual and 2) he was really surprised I handled our one night stand so well. He's a thinker for a guy. I have a feeling after our fun conversation last night he might be analyzing whether or not we could make a relationship work. hehe Silly that I know this about him but it's true. But I'm going to keep my distance... for now anyways. ;)

The Actor - He's pretty much told me when he comes out to California he wants to hook up. He also wants me to take pics for him which is originally how we started talking. We totally flirt and I had a dream about us trying to hook up but kept getting interrupted by people. Which I told him about and he thought it was great that I dreamt about him like that and said we'll make sure people aren't interrupting us when we do meet up. It's funny because that dream has a lot to do with that night the band spent the night. I was chatting (moving towards sex chat) with The Actor online when they arrived and The Drummer trumps anyone right now for my attention so I jumped offline to make sure to get my time with The Drummer. The dream happened weeks after that but still oddly symbolic of that night.

Vegas - Vegas and I haven't talked much recently. But suddenly he became obviously interested in meeting again and he made sure that the next time we see each other we're for sure having sex. Sometimes I regret not having sex with him when I went out to Vegas for that business trip last year. He's hot, no question.

When we were chatting that weekend we got into cyber sex. He took pics and sent them. I was going to do the same, I did take the pictures but never sent them. I know he's a male slut, and I'm sure he's slept with LOTS of women but I can't help feeling tempted to go for it.

Washington - Well he moved to Utah for a girl and for the last couple of months it's been miserable talking to him. He was always complaining and obsessed. I avoided talking to him at all. Then finally he made the decision to get away from her. Wow... oddly around the same week as all these other guys. Sheesh... So he talked about how he's put a lot of thought into our relationship and the possibility of it turning into more. He even said he was considering stopping through California to hook up with me and maybe move here. I told him it might be fun to play around but that I would never consider a relationship with him until he's worked through his feelings for this girl he was just in a relationship with.

I spoke to him yesterday and he seems to be suicidal. He's moved back to Washington and has no job and he's not able to stay with anyone permanently. I mean I know he's in a tough situation and I feel bad but I wasn't sure how to deal with a suicidal person. I tried to encourage him but he argued that there was no use in trying because his entire life he's had the wrong end of the stick. We talked so long my phone died and when it was charged I saw I had a message from him. Very sweet and nice about me being a good friend. But I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to him any time soon. I will do my best to keep in touch and make sure he knows I'm praying for him but I'm so glad I never got too involved.

Seattle - I'm calling him Seattle because I already have Washington. Seattle is a friend from elementary school who got back in touch with me through Facebook. I only mention him because he's EVERYTHING I'm looking for in a guy... BUT... he's only a friend, and lives in freakin Seattle! We've been emailing novels back and forth since we got in touch. He's great. First, he loves reading my novels and loves writing back long emails especially for a guy. He's a musician, plays guitar. He's a CHRISTIAN! And I mean hard core too! He's single, never been married, doesn't have any kids. He loves the beach. He is close with his family. He's successful. He's great with his money. (Sigh) In all honesty, I've told him that he's given me hope that there are good Godly men out there and not to settle. I just wish they were in California and interested in me! Ugh...

Anyways, I think this is enough of an update. Oh, one last person....

Fresno - I went up to Northern California and met up with my friend Northern Cali, but also let Fresno know I'd be passing through. He was really excited about meeting up but it never worked out. His cousin had an emergency and they were all at the hospital dealing with that so he said he'd be driving down to Southern California soon and wants to meet up. It should be interesting if that actually happens. hehe

Ok so that's it...

Update Re: Fuuuuck! Post

2009-06-16T19:22:00.001-07:00

So, I rushed off because I had a lot to do. The next day it was hard not to think about everything that happend with The Drummer. I happened to share some of it with a friend I hadn't expected to be open with and she felt the same as me about it. Odd that he was at my door in the middle of the night. She thought it was equally creepy and cute. She was shocked he related to me like that. As am I! So I just finish telling her everything and an hour later when our conversation had turned onto something else I get a text from The Drummer! The second initiated text from him in the last few days. Here's what he said.

I'm sorry 4 my behavior yesterday. I'm sorry if I disrespected you. :(

I didn't know how to reply! I mean I couldn't say no problem because in all honesty I wasn't sure if I liked how he treated me or not. I mean part of me loved it! Part of me felt taken back. So I formulated a response thanking him, telling him I appreciate that and asked him how he was going to make it up to me (with a wink). I figured its the best way to let him know I didn't think his behavior was entirely appropriate but I still liked him. He seemed happy with the response and said he'd think of something (with a smile).

Anyways I've been gone for two days and now I'm supposed to rush off to housesit... So off I go again.

Fuuuuck!

2009-06-14T17:41:00.001-07:00

The Drummer - Wow! Where to start! I seriously couldn't tell but one of my friends what I'm about to share. Mainly because my entire family dislikes The Drummer, and so does one of my best friends. Either way, things with him mellowed out quite a bit. But I swear there was a dramatic change this weekend! One that means I'm not sure how we will relate from now on!

So the band came over for two days of practice, Saturday and Sunday. I had plans both days but I hoped I would see The Drummer in passing. So Friday, he stops by really quick to pick something up. Doesn't seem to notice I'm in the kitchen cleaning. When I walk by and wave he notices me and says hello but that's it.

Ok so backtracking here...

The Drummer is in 2 bands. My brothers band and another. Well his other band performed for the very first time on June 2nd and he told the band that no one but me would be taking pics for them. :) awh... So I go, take pics, it's a fun night but I leave early. I wasn't sure if I was happy with the pics that night but when I got to playing with them I was happy with them. I sent him and the bassist a text letting them know the pics were uploaded and to let me know what they thought. So I hear nothing.

Back to Friday. So I thought to ask him what he thought of the pics but he's busy talking to my brother. Sure enough an hour later I get a text saying the pics are awesome! :)

Saturday I had plans to head down to Highland to go to Music Man's gig and The Drummer showed up right as I was heading out. I made sure to give him a hug and he seemed anxious to find out where I was heading for the night. I got home at little after midnight and shortly behind me was the rest of the band, too drunk to drive home. He was all touchy and flirty. He kept asking how my time was in Highland. I seriously told him 3 times and each time he couldn't remember asking. lol Yup! Definitely drunk! We played a couple rounds of Guitar Hero World Tour and talked but finally at about 2:30 I went to bed.

At 4:30 in the morning I woke up to The Drummer's silhouette at my door. I know I didn't see the door open so how long he had been standing there I don't know. I was half out of it but asked him what he needed. Now this is all sort of fuzzy since I was so sleepy but he seemed to hesitate and said stuff like "oh shit, sorry to bother you. I was just looking for (insert band member name here)". I was like "um... Isn't he out in the living room?" He wasn't making much sense or I was still too tired to fully grasp what he was saying so I kept asking him to repeat himself. He seemed to stumble over his words and said Oh shit and sorry a lot. I finally tried to wave him to come in so I could hear him better but he wouldn't. He finally just mumbled while he shut the door. I was completely confused so I got up and opened my door. I looked and saw my office door shut which was where the missing band member should have been. I thought it strange that he would come to my bedroom to find out. I mean if he saw my office shut and was looking for the other band member why not just open the office door to look in. I kind of got the impression I had caught him watching me sleep which in all honesty seemed quite disturbing and flattering at the same time. I know quite strange.

After that I couldn't sleep... I had plenty of fantasies starting that way so it didn't help my hormones when I woke up to the vision I've seen numerous times before in my fantasies. So I struggled to go back to sleep for about an hour. I finally got a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep.

So this morning I see that The Drummer is gone. I had the impression he wasn't planning on spending the night, just sobering up a bit so he could drive home. So after church I get home and take a quick nap but it wasn't restful since I had one of the band members fiddling around with the keyboard while I tried to sleep. I finally gave up on napping and got up to make myself lunch. The Drummer showed up shortly after that with his usual smile.

I was washing my dishes when he asked me yet again about my time in Highland! lol So we were joking about him not remembering and I asked him if he came into my room last night. He said no it wasn't him, must have been the other band member (who he was looking for the night before), because if he had he'd have done the deed. And I laughed and told him I was tempted to text him last night and tell him it wasn't cool to tease like that. He said there was no question. If he had the opportunity he would have been on me in a second.

He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and whispers in my ear "any time, you name it. You wouldn't have to do any work. I would do it all. You wouldn't even have to worry about me." And I was like "did I hear you right?!" And he's all "yup! I'm not kidding either. I'm definitely tempted!" All of this was done in the kitchen where the guys were playing around on their instruments and couldn't really hear or see what was going on. I was laughing and he got a phone call and had to take it out back. As he walked behind me he slap grabs my ass on the way out! My mouth dropped! This is so unlike him! I mean he's a flirt but this is crazy flirting! lol

So he comes back in, walks behind me again and lets his hand trace my waist as he walks back to play. He gets on the drums and looks over at me and smiles huge and says, "I'm dead serious! You know that right?" into the mic. I'm just laughing and shaking my head and he keeps going with similar monologue. My brother and the other guitarist were disputing a chord change and he pointed back to my room as if we should meet in there and forget these guys. I laugh and did the head nod like yeah meet you there. I was done with the dishes I walk back because it's usually too loud to enjoy anything.

So I'm in my room texting my one friend I could tell about this and who comes in!? The Drummer! He comes up behind me again and wraps his arm around me and says, "we should do this! I swear I'll take care of everything". And he wipes his lips like he's made a sloppy mess. And by this time I'm turned around facing him in an embrace and he grabs my ass. I'm in so much shock I don't know what to say. I was hesitant and he seemed to sense that. He told me that he was definitely attracted to me and was definitely tempted to give up the practice to eat me! lol He says he's serious and then pulls my face back to look at me and looks like he's almost going to kiss me but leans back... Pulls my v-neck shirt down a little and kisses my cleavage! At this point I've practically wet myself and he knows it. He says he has to go but that he doesn't want to cause me sexual temptation and I give a weak chuckle and say "too late" lol He just looks me straight on and says he's deadly serious, any time any place.

I'm left panting as he walks back to the band members. I don't hear what they say but his response was "Oh I nearly had all her clothes off but she paid me to go away". I'm still in shock but am heading out to Geek Photographers so I go out to the kitchen to pick up a drink and he comes out there, all touchy and grabbing my ass. I told him I was heading out and he was all bummed I was leaving. He was caressing my waist at this point and then says he's upset I'm going but that it's probably for the best with another ass grab on my way out. lol

Seriously I have no clue what got into the guy. I believe he was still pretty hung over or wasted so I'm sure that was a lot of it. But anyways, I hear after I left he and the lead singer got into a fight about him being too out of it to play and he quit the band. My brother says he'll be back. I'm not sure though.

What's sad is during our first initial conversation today about my Highland trip he said he felt bad about wasting the guys time because he wasn't feeling up to playing. So whatever they got mad at him about I think he was feeling a tad guilty about it.

Either way. I highly doubt I'd let anything happen though the temptation is strong! And even if he was drunk... He admitted he's been tempted to come onto me for a while so that's flattering. But I have no idea how he'll treat me the next time I see him. He tends to be hot and cold. Today was a bit more heat then I've EVER been used to with him.

The Actor - So I have reconnected with an old friend from my first church I went to when moving down to California. I didn't know him well but we've gotten to chatting quite a bit. He's been playful and flirty in his chats so I've flirted back. Saturday night our chat turned into sexual innuendos and I could tell he was easing his way into sex talk. This is when the band came back too drunk to drive home so I had to rush off and help set up beds. I'm a tad nervous about our future chats. One of his comments made me think that he's looking forward to meeting in person. He lives up in Oregon and comes down to California for a lot of acting jobs.

So my question is, why now? Why so much sexual interest? Especially when I'm weak to avoid it being that I'm sex deprived myself. (sigh) I should get going. I have a lot to do before crashing hard tonight!

Texting (old post never uploaded till 6/14)

2009-05-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Texting The Drummer
Me: So damn! I seem to forget how freakin hot you are! It was nice seeing you this weekend cutie. ;) I hope you're smilin. :) Have a great week!
Drummer: U know i'm smiling. I never forget how cute u r. ;)
Me: awh thanks but now I have to explain my forgetfulness! I never forget you're hot just *how hot* you are! :) haha
Drummer: Blushing!!!!

Texting Computer Geek
I don't have my side of the conversation verbatim but I'll paraphrase what I remember.
Me: So I have to admit it was really great to see you!
Computer Geek: Nice seeing you too. When we hug its all boob... like im not really hugging you... just your boob lol
Me: What!? It wasn't that bad was it?! I guess that last hug was a bit awkward.
Computer Geek: Not bad.... it was similar to a lap dance lol
Me: Wait... now the true question is, did it have the same effect as a lap dance? ;)
Computer Geek: LOL i'll never tell

Random texts from Junior
And you are sexy.,., i'm sorry it slipped i mean extremely beautiful! Sweetdreams! :-D
Hey do u need me to stay and keep u company while your brother's gone????? Huh? lol
I miss you! :(
Awww thanks goodlookin

Even my brother noticed and said something...

2009-03-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

So I had a dinner party tonight. I invited a bunch of people over and hoped for the best. It was a raving success! I never expected every invitee to actually make it, and then it turned out more came then I originally asked. I was cooking with a help of one of my best friends. I had such a blast! :) We played Guitar Hero World Tour all night. We had a grand total of 12 people. I was glad I bought extra food because we just barely had enough to go around. We got compliments on the food and everyone seemed to be having a great time. The Drummer was invited at last weekends show, I kinda threw it out there and said there were no obligations on him to come. He said he'd be there. And sure enough he brought a friend with him. I was a little nervous about having such a wide variety of my friends together, church friends and worldly friends. But it seemed to work out just fine.

So, I didn't really take a lot of consideration on how the Drummer was treating me all night. He was sweet as usual and he looked fucking hot! He was actually dressed up. Nice button top. He had his hair done. I got a text from Junior saying he didn't like The Drummer for me. I told my best friend, and she joked that it was just because The Drummer and I were flirting and it took me away from Junior. I, of course laughed and she said, "no seriously! Don't let anyone tell you he's (the Drummer) not into." She went on to say that he stayed close to me, sat right next to me during dinner, said it was obvious we were flirting and that he's into me. I beamed at this information. I have kept myself reserved from thinking too deeply on how he's treating me ever since last month when I realized how easily I fell for him.

Now, of course, I have a grin ear-to-ear and I have to be careful not to make it too obvious. I walked my friend out, and the Drummer and his friend stayed behind, they were actually the last to leave. I enjoyed noticing how often he would be turned to me, no one else would be able to get his attention. He would consistently look for my reaction. I was definitely flattered and enjoyed reviewing these little signs.

When everyone had left my brother started talking about how he was also nervous about mixing The Drummer and his friend with the church friends and how he thought it went well. And then he said that he enjoyed the Drummer's company but just wished his past wasn't so messed up. Again my brother always likes to bring out his faults around me. He had said he's heard that the Drummer went to jail for beating up a girlfriend. I had finally gotten the true story from the Drummer at the last show (which I'll go into further detail below) that he went to jail for firearms but originally teased me about the fact that he went to jail because he beat up women. When he finally turned to me after he could tell I was starting to believe it, and asked if I could believe him capable of that. I said no. So in my mind, after realizing he was joking, I think that he pulled the same joke on my brother who then believed him. Well according to my brother, after sharing I heard otherwise, said that one of his other friends witnessed it. He then said he just doesn't want The Drummer to get so comfortable with us that he does something crazy on him or someone else. I asked what he meant by someone else and he said, "well in all honesty, you. Be careful. I don't want you two to get too close. Just watch your back."

Maybe I should have taken that more seriously but I laughed to myself. I laughed because this meant my brother noticed something between the Drummer and I and he was, for the first time, making a straight forward warning. He has always complained about The Drummer, which I took as his sly way to make me think poorly of The Drummer. But this was the first time he made a comment of me and the Drummer at all together.

Anyways, at the last show (last weekend) I was actually nervous to go to because of the way the Drummer ignored me at the show last month. But it was quite the opposite, in fact he was quite attentive and adorable. We talked a lot that night. We talked for a while about the bands, I think I impressed him with my knowledge of the drums and how they're played (mostly because an ex was a drummer). Like I shared above, he informed me of why he was sent to jail. He said that he's always happy around me, or my brother, but not always happy individual. Their band (my brothers and the Drummer) had a rough set, so I went to talk to him afterwards and he opened up. After the show a few of us went to IHOP and he was there but stayed in the car. I avoided making it obvious I was concerned. I went out to the car for something and just walked up to his car door and asked if he was alright, he said he was and I didn't make a big deal, just said, ok, and then walked away. As we were leaving I decided to invite him to the dinner tonight. I was surprised at how quickly he agreed to go. Though with his track record I really didn't expect him to actually come. When I text him a reminder earlier this afternoon he responded immediately that he and his friend would be there.

So now we're caught up. I know I need to be careful with this guy. I REALLY like him. He's REALLY wrong for me. But good lord is he fuckably hot! Well I had this written last night at 2:30 in the morning but my wireless stopped working and I was too tired to reboot the thing... So I'm posting it now.

So many changes, so many possibilities!

2009-03-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

No longer working with Computer Geek means I don't get to flirt daily with him. I miss him. He's still a doll. Shortly after I was laid off I stopped by the office and was thrilled to get to spend a couple hours talking! It's never happened that we could talk that long in one sitting. I finally met his girlfriend. I still chat with him. It's just not the same... I really miss him.

It's daylights savings time so it's actually midnight rather then 11pm. I should go to bed but I have too much on the brain to sleep. I spent the afternoon with Geek Photographer. It was fun. We went shopping for furniture to his new place. He taught me a move with tango.

I got back and saw The Drummer for the first time since I gave up my crush. Yes, the crush already died.

The story - The thing is, I actually had a serious thing for this guy in such a short amount of time. The weekend of the 21st it all came to a head. Friday he didn't end up making it to dinner because he had to have dinner with his grandparents and to be honest I felt that was an excuse which I found out the next day was not the case. Saturday he was adorably sweet. I went to a local dive bar to a show for a friends band and he was there. We didn't talk much but when it came time to leave I gave him a hug goodbye and he said he'd walk me out. My brother came over to say goodbye and questioned why he was following us. The Drummer told him he was walking me out. My brother seemed a little peeved but was like whatever. As The Drummer walked behind me he grabbed my waist, squeezed and held my waist until we reached outside where my brother was talking to his friend. Sunday he acted like I didn't exist. The band had a show and for some reason I became ultra insecure about the whole thing. He didn't treat me horrible but there was a definite difference in how he responded to me. I sometimes wonder if my brother didn't say something. And ever since then I basically decided it was time to let go of the crush...

So seeing The Drummer tonight, I wasn't sure how I'd feel, especially because in the last two weeks I realized how seriously I had fallen for him. Which is still quite surprising to me. Not the crush part, but the fact that it was such a BIG crush. I noticed I stopped eating and sleeping very well. I thought it was stress from being laid off but when I gave up the crush, sleep and my appetite came back. Crazy huh?

Tonight The Drummer was cute and adorable as ever. I know as with all my other crushes it will fluctuate based on how he treats me. But I'm not ever going to allow myself to get so wrapped up in him ever again. He never mentioned the fact that his missed every Friday night dinner since the original one, when he said he would never miss another one. But I do find it interesting that he seems to share things with me that try to convince me he's a good guy. My brother talked about watching a show of girls in bikinis traveling and sitting around talking about it. The Drummer was like, that sounds extremely dull to me. Or he always mentions when I get something that most other people don't get. But alas, he is never going to be. In the meantime though, I'll enjoy looking at him. haha

I got a call from Geek Photographer while writing the above. It's now 12:30 am according to daylight savings time. I'm getting tired. Anyways, Geek Photographer and I are going to put together a photography group that will meet about once-a-month to go take pictures. It should be cool if it actually happens. He's admitted and I've seen that he starts a lot of projects and never finishes them.

There is someone I've been texting a lot. I'm not sure what nickname to give him. He worked with me at the first ISP job I had. He and I worked together in the web development side. He was the programmer and I was the graphic artist. It was the most fun I had with web design because I got to make it look pretty and tell him what I wanted it to do and he would make it do it. I never found him very attractive and got married during this time. He's since divorced and has lost some weight. But I saw a recent picture and he looked good. He's been texting me about my recent job possibility (which I will go into soon). He invited me to the movies tonight. I didn't go because it was to go see the Watchmen and my brother really REALLY wanted to see that. So we're all going tomorrow. But I know there is something curious about him. Wondering. He's sweet. Though if memory serves me correctly he isn't the most normal person and there were lots of things that got on my nerves when we worked together. Hmmm? I'm not sure if I am going to give him a nickname because I'm not sure he'll ever be mentioned again.

So moving on to the title of this blog post. So many changes and so many possibilities! I was laid off February 13th and the company went out of business shortly after. I have been applying for jobs. Older Guy gave me an email address to an owner of a company that does similar processing that I did at my last job. I sent my resume Wednesday February 25th not thinking anything would come of it. The next day I got a call from a lady who was forwarded my resume by the owner and said I was definitely qualified for what they were looking for but she was concerned about the commute. They are located in Pasadena. An hour and a half commute without any traffic, with traffic could add an hour to that. I told her I was willing to make the commute. She said she would have to think about it and get back to me. I realized this was a job I'd really like.

So Friday as I was cleaning the house, an idea came to me. A client I used to work with at my last job switched services to this company I applied for. I knew this client loved me so I emailed him asking him to write me a letter of Recommendation to this new company which he did within moments and I forwarded that off to the owner.

It took a few days to hear anything back. I got a voicemail Wednesday March 4th by the lady asking if I was willing to come in and talk about a position they wanted to offer me. I called her back but she left for the day so I called back the next day at around the same time as the call and we set up an interview time. The issue she had was that if they offered me the position they would want me to move to Pasadena. I told her I was willing to relocate and had already addressed the possibility with my brother who was my current roomate.

I went down Friday March 6th and was scared to death. The idea of working for a company that would require relocation and living in one of my favorite cities in So Cal was a lot to think about, lets face it, hope about. I kept praying and trying to relax. It wasn't until I picked up "Battlefield of the Mind" and read the start of Chapter 15 that my heart started to calm down and realize that if this was God's will it would all happen no matter what. They would offer me enough to make the move and I would feel comfortable about making the move. The interview blew me away. The owner said he was very very impressed. He said its a rarity to talk to someone who had that much knowledge in their line of work. That it was like my entire work history was perfectly lined up with the new position they wanted me for. The timing was also something he couldn't believe. He said they had JUST gotten to the point they were ready to departmentalize what I do. They would not consider me a entry level position. Basically I knew they were happy with me. They said they would need me to take a simple test. But the offer was never laid out on the table. It was discussed that my concern about the cost of living was an issue and they said they knew the cost has even gone up in the last couple of years even. So at this point I haven't gotten the test sent to my email.

I'm blown away at how easy the interview went. It was very casual as far as I was concerned and I kept wondering what I said that made him aware of my knowledge. I'm guessing it's just the language of what we do, and I know it well enough to think it's standard knowledge. Even if they offer me less then I know I'll need to surive on, the fact the interview went so well is a boost to my ego. So now it's down to numbers. We'll see what they send over.

But... I can't help but fantasize about my life in Pasadena. I love that city! And the idea that this job would not be entry level, but it's focused in my field makes me feel that I've finally gotten my carreer off the ground! I'm no longer just meandering through jobs as they come to me. I have my niche and it's definitely specialized. I could really be blessed enough to work and live there! How awesome is that!? It's hard not to get my hopes up. I also know though, that if they offer less then what I have set in my mind, it's over... It's back to the drawing board. I won't uproot and move unless they make it worth my while.

Well now its officially 1am... I need to get to sleep. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon!

I still get surprised

2009-02-19T00:43:00.000-08:00

Junior - Things with him have been pretty mellow. Though he sure is growing into his body. He has awesome broad shoulders, chiseled arms (from playing drums) and a thin waist. I am still surprised when he flirts with me mercilessly.

He saw me at bible study tonight. We made a lot of eye contact. Mostly inside jokes. He found out about my new crush on The Drummer and actually seemed jealous and gave me a hard time about my bad taste in men. But it was odd that it only took him one try to guess who it was that I was crushing on, so obviously he didn't think he was the farthest from gaining my affection. We were talking about how wrong for me The Drummer is, and how I tend to like things that are a bit taboo. That's when Junior reminded me that's why I like younger men with a grin ear-to-ear and his girlfriend sitting right next to him.

Either way, by the end of the evening I honestly struggled to stop checkin him out. I knew he had his gorgeous girlfriend sitting right next to him. So I thought to text him, to tell him that he was looking sexy, but decided against it. And sure enough I get a text from him saying goodnight, and how it was great to be able to hang out and talk and that he must admit he thought I looked "pretty darn cute like always!" I took that as my queue to admit I was thinking the same of him and had to keep myself from checkin him out and closed with sweet dreams cutie. Sure enough his reply was something to the extent of goodnight goodlookin and maybe we'll run into each other in our dreams with a wink.

And here I'm thinking, he has a gorgeous girlfriend, why in the world is he even flirting with me? I mean I know it's not like he's going to leave her for me or anything just because he flirted with me. But its just so odd that he would even think of me when he's sitting right next to someone so beautiful. It's sweet. It's dangerous. Maybe that's why I like it so much. Maybe that's the key to why I can't find a decent guy. The decent guys aren't presented in a taboo situation. Ah well, moving on.

Sunday after church I was giving his girlfriend a hug and we did that awkward which way do you lean thing and I joked that I was almost about to kiss her. Like a moment later Junior tells us, well you just should have. I was actually clueless, his girlfriend had to explain this to me. Tonight was no different. There was something said about me and her almost kissing and he said in his dreams. lol That kid is crazy!

The Drummer - He stopped by the house Tuesday night to pick up his equipment. He was attentive. Asking if I had plans for the evening, which I did. We joked around a bit. And as he walked out the door he asked what we were cooking Friday! I asked him if he still planned on making it and sure enough he does! He said to just let him know what we needed him to bring. Now suddenly I'm nervous about it. I know my crush is to such an extent it's obvious that I like him when he's around. I told my best friend she's gonna have to pinch me if I make it too obvious.

I found out from my brother The Drummer is coming over tomorrow night to record some vocals for his other band. So looks like I'll be seeing him again. (sigh) <-- That isn't a romantic sigh, it's a sigh wondering what the heck I'm thinking! I can't wait to see him again. And yet I've been asking everyone for prayer. I don't want to get all wrapped up in this guy. I'm lonely right now, he would not be good for me. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I figure I'll be slapped back into reality soon enough when I see or hear about some skanky chick he's sleeping with. Though I haven't heard much about his relationships, past or present. But in my mind, they probably aren't much of relationships, but more one-nighters. Isn't that a horrible way to view a crush? As a slutty guy? Odd. I'm going to bed.

Oh no... Another one to add to the list

2009-02-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

What is it with me and drummers? My first kiss was a drummer... My first boyfriend was a drummer... If I ever start crushing on someone and find out they're in a band, what instrument do they (mostly) end up playing? Drums... Junior plays drums at church. I always joked that I liked drummers' rhythm. ;) Anyways, we have a new one to add to my list of men. I will call him The Drummer. Though with my track record, I'll have to start labeling them, Drummer 1, Drummer 2, Drummer 3... well you get the picture.

The Drummer - He's in my brother's band. It didn't take me long to start crushing. He's good looking, funny and personable. I never felt a major crush till this weekend though. He's my typical type physically: skinny, ripped and tall. There are other things that make him not my typical type. He's a bit "punk". He has a mohawk, not all the time but when he does shows. He's tatted up which goes along with most of the drummers I've liked.

Anyways, I've always been physically attracted to him. I don't remember the day I realized I liked him more then the other guys in the band. When I realized I didn't want him to see me looking crappy. The thing is, he's seen me at my worst. Pjs, no makeup, hair not even brushed.

Yesterday was Valentines Day. The band was at my place practicing. We were talking about the bassist not getting any flowers from his girlfriend for valentines day and how he would have liked something. I mentioned that I'm one of those girls that get flowers for the guys I'm dating. The Drummer said something about it being too bad I was my brother's sister. Now this isn't the first time he's mentioned it. But the look he gave me made me realize he meant it. And the bassist tried to explain it and The Drummer stopped him and said that he knew I understood exactly what he meant by that. (And the meaning is, my brother is quite protective. Him disliking my sisters boyfriend, who happens to be a friend he grew up with, means his friends know my brother isn't cool with his friends dating his sisters.)

Either way, on my way to pick up the pizza for the guys, I stopped to get the bassist a flower. I got back and honestly The Drummer seemed more impacted by the fact that I had done that for the bassist then the bassist himself. Lets just say, I think I got myself a couple more brownie points in his book.

The rest of the night was him and I flirting. He always looked for my reaction. Any time we got too close he'd joke that my brother wouldn't be too happy about it. There was one point we were on the couch watching the rest of the band play Guitar Hero World Tour and I had a hard time concentrating. He was always turning to look at me and being so close it was invading my personal space, which of course I didn't mind, but it made for some intense stares. Another time he decided he needed to show me his sixpack, which honestly was so fucking hot, I had to turn away. I laughed at the cliche' of me biting my lip to keep from saying something I'd regret. I took a deep breath and turned around and, lets be honest, couldn't help but want to fuck him. Any chance he had, he was over by me talking about his latest escapades. It seemed he was trying to make sure I realized he was a good guy. He just turned 40 the day before last so he was explaining the events surrounding his day.

I noticed the other guys in the band starting to tease us, making jokes about being careful around my brother, saying it was too bad my brother was so overly-protective otherwise I could go out with the guys. The Drummer was making fun of the Sweet Home Alabama song and putting lyrics in that were redneck, about loving a sister, one of the band members said, don't say that too loudly... You don't want her brother to hear you say you love his sister. Of course this was RIGHT in front of my brother. Who then said, oh no, not another guy like my sisters boyfriend (Sadly my sisters boyfriend is a bit of a loser). Another thing is The Drummer isn't working (like my sisters boyfriend) and the bassist joked that since I lost my job The Drummer would be asking if he could stop by.

The thing is, my brother lately has been putting The Drummer down. It's almost like he noticed something and wanted to make sure I wouldn't go out with him. The thing is, The Drummer is really REALLY not good for me. He's a drinker, partier, I can only imagine how many women he sleeps with. He's been to jail. My brother tells me why and I'm not sure I believe it. I need to find out the truth from him.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It's obvious to me I need to get laid because I couldn't stop fantasizing about him and what he could do to me. I kept thinking I must be making it up because how could someone so cut, good looking, like someone like me. But then I'd remember how his closest friend in the band is the one making comments about The Drummer and I, that even he was noticing something. Whether The Drummer would ever act on it, I highly doubt it, but just knowing he is interested makes me feel good.

Today the band was over again. Today, it was a little less flirty. Though my brother told the guys that my best friend and I have been cooking every Friday night to help teach me how to cook. The Drummer then brought it up to me and said he'll be joining us from now on and that he's pretty good in the kitchen. I joked with my best friend that I'm sure he is pretty good in more then just the kitchen. Anyways... we'll see if that happens.

I feel foolish.

so much love in a loveless world

2009-01-01T17:02:00.000-08:00

I was a good kid
I wouldn't do you no harm
I was a nice kid
With a nice paper round
Forgive me any pain
I may have brung to you
With God's help I know
I'll always be near to you
But Jesus hurt me
When he deserted me, but

I have forgiven Jesus
For all the desire
He placed in me when there's nothing I can do
With this desire

I was a good kid
Through hail and snow I'd go
Just to moon you
I carried my heart in my hand
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
But Jesus hurt me
When he deserted me, but

I have forgiven Jesus
For all of the love
He placed in me
When there's no-one I can turn to with this love

Monday - humiliation
Tuesday - suffocation
Wednesday - condescension
Thursday - is pathetic
By Friday life has killed me
By Friday life has killed me

(Oh pretty one, Oh pretty one)

Why did you give me
So much desire?
When there is nowhere I can go
To offload this desire
And why did you give me
So much love
In a loveless world
When there's no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love
And why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Jesus - do you hate me?
Why did you stick me in
Self-deprecating bones and skin
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me? do you hate me?
Do you hate me?

Well that was unexpected

2008-11-23T00:19:00.000-08:00

Geek Photographer just stopped by. This is an oddity to me. He actually called last weekend to see if he could then but I got his call too late. So today of all days, I'm not feeling so hot, have been vegging all day, I took a shower but hadn't really got ready, he stops by. When he called he specifically kept me on the phone so I wouldn't go run off and get fixed up. I swear... Boys. So I let him in, my hair not even brushed through, no makeup and he hung out for about an hour and a half. I let him know I don't usually let people see me like that. He knows I'm fighting a cold and that I just started my period. Our time was only slightly awkward but for the most part I had a good time.

It's so funny how he and I seem to go through stages of friendship. We're really close one minute and then we fight or barely talk the next. I've kept my distance but lately I've noticed he's calling more and I'm less annoyed with him. Though the other day I kept taking things he said so personal. I knew it was probably pms. But that was the most affected I've been by him in a long time and that was barely anything. I will say it was nice to see him. It left me with a good feeling when he hugged me goodbye.

I guess it's time for sleep. I've been sleeping all day but I can barely keep my eyes open.

What a week

2008-11-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

It's been an emotional week. Though I didn't realize it until I was driving home after work and all the emotions came flooding out of me. The tears came out without much warning. I drove crying uncontrollably. I just let it all come out.

At first I thought it had to do with Computer Geek. I was hurt by something that I found out today that he didn't tell me himself. It bothered me I had to ask. In the end I realized my problem was with how little I know him, and I've always valued his friendship. Not saying he doesn't value mine. He's a very private person. It's just the way I show the value of a friendship is how much I open up to a person. Yes I'm a pretty open individual but there are things I only share with him. I've long given up any hope of any romantic attachments with Computer Geek and myself, though I still find myself physically/sexually drawn to him.

Anyways, as I cried driving home it really hit me how much emotions I've stuffed deep inside about all of these other issues and the little issue with Computer Geek was just the tip of the iceberg, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. (Sigh)

Everything about this week has challenged my ability NOT to care what other people think about me. Sadly I wasn't winning the battle as well as I thought.

Last Saturday my childhood crush located me on Facebook. Ironically I've mentioned him here once when describing how even back in the day I made up nicknames for the guys I like. His was HunkofBabe. Click Here to see that post. Either way he's happily married with two kids now, but something I wrote in one of my replies to him made me nervous that I made a fool of myself. He still hasn't responded, feeding into my fears that he now won't ever talk to me again. The first couple of days I couldn't let it go. When I finally did, it came with the pain that if I did say something silly and he decided never to write me again... OH FUCKING WELL!

The situation with HunkofBabe reminded me of my childhood in Alaska. My parents always told me that my class was the meanest group of kids they ever met. I don't really remember but as the email situation happened with HunkofBabe it brought me back to all the emotions and insecurities I felt as a child. Wanting their approval. I thought a lot about that. How things have changed quite a bit. How my current friends are nothing like what I would think they would consider "acceptable" and I'm thinking... Do I really want people like that back in my life?

I also finally had to have a talk with Junior. I just asked him if his girlfriend flirted with anyone as much as he flirts with me would he be ok with it? He said ignorance is bliss and then asked if this meant he would have to stop hitting on me now! Silly kid. Either way, again I was pushed with the decision of being ok whether or not he liked what I had to say. It was something that needed to be said. Luckily we're all good now but he seemed pretty bummed with me for the next couple of days.

Then I had to stop by The Ex's parents place last night to drop off some stuff. His mom finally had the courage to ask me if I was dating anyone. Though she waited till she walked me to my car, my ex's dad respects that fact that we split on friendly terms. It was such an odd subject to talk about with the woman that felt you were "The One" for her son. But I basically just told her I was tired of the dating scene and I was taking a step back from it. It's odd that I have such a continued relationship with my ex's family. I still hang out with most of them. But I will say I felt odd talking to her about it. The Ex is married now and has since moved to another state. The conversation left me feeling a bit sad. Not about wishing I was with him, I know he's MUCH better off, just sad and confused at why I haven't been able to find a decent guy.

I've spent a lot of this week trying to just come to grips with the fact that some people may just not like me. It's so hard for me as a people pleaser to come to grips with that. It's been a rough week and once I cried it all out I felt much better, relieved knowing that there were a lot of reasons behind it. I even sent Computer Geek a text letting him know I was sorry if I acted butthurt and ya know, he was really cool about it.

It's late and I should be in bed but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

Um... I'm a dork

2008-11-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

I can't stop thinking about him. What the hell is wrong with me? He asked me to join him on his smoke break. Came over to my side of the office for some left over candy then held the door downstairs open so I could come through. I was surprised at the friendly gesture. He made a comment about my shoes being scuffed and how I needed to shine mine and his while I was at it. I explained it was because when I was shooting the wedding I was on my knees and he jokingly said if he had known it would be that kind of wedding he would have gone. lol God, does he know what he does to me?! No clue, I'm sure of it.

(Sigh)

Silliness I tell ya

I think I need to take a nap

Good Lord....

2008-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day! I'm not sure if I have enough energy to even write a post. I helped move my parents stuff to the garage of their new place and the left overs into my garage. I'm physically and mentally drained.

Junior was there today. He pinched my butt! Then said he liked me. What am I gonna do with that boy? The other night after he left my house from bible study and he text me asking if I needed him to stay and keep me company while my brother was out of town ending with a wink. I, of course, took him up on the cue to flirt and told him he was always welcome any time. Sure enough he told me he almost turned around and came back over. I laugh but sometimes I am afraid of what would happen if we were ever left in a room by ourselves!

A lot is going on in my life these days. I'm not really sure how I'm keeping my head on straight.

My big test is this Wednesday. I feel numb about it right now. I have so much riding on passing this test. My Operations Manager took me out to lunch Thursday and told me a promotion is inevitable when I pass. I will go to salary and move into a whole new position. It's awesome but I realize that passing is the only way this is going to happen for me. She said getting certified was the only way she could justify the raise she wants to give me. So we'll see what happens Wednesday. I won't know for a few weeks afterwards but I should know how I feel I did on the test and may even get an initial pass/fail once the test is complete.

My Supervisor got out of jail. His family came up with the bail. And then my Operations Manager fired him. I have to say I'm really rather glad she did. So no more drama in that department. I'm not sure if she plans on filling his position. We're hiring another girl to help out with the phones since I won't be on the queue anymore.

One thing I've established with my Operations Manager is that she thinks I'm a good worker but has a bit of an issue with me being "Flirty" (a word the IT Manager said she used). Not sure that I can change that. There's more to that story but again just not motivated to go into it.

The CEO asked me to be the photographer at his wedding next weekend. Yes, it's a thrown together little shindig but it does mean extra cash which I cannot say no to. The location is beautiful and should help with my portfolio.

I have a feeling I will feel a lot less stressed once this test is past me.

My parents are staying with me for a couple weeks. They have to be out of their current place by the 31st and the new place won't be ready to move in till the 5th. I saw the new place for the first time today and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they take a lot longer to get out of there. I can't believe how LITTLE they have done to prepare for their upcoming move. My dad said they haven't moved for 14 years and its quite obvious they have no idea the amount of work ahead of them!

Anyways, I'm exhausted! I'm going to bed now.

Whistle while you work

2008-10-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

(BIG SIGH) A moment to breath! Work has been crazy the last week and a half. My immediate supervisor is in jail, yes you read that correctly. Unfortunately I'm not sure why and he had a court date today but nothing has been updated. There are only 2 people at my office that are aware that I know and my Operations Manager is NOT one of them. I guess you could say the Operations Manager has placed me in temporary lead. I sometimes wonder if she's grooming me to take over my supervisors role. It sure seems like it. I have no clue if they plan on keeping my supervisor or not. It could honestly go either way. I find it odd that the whole thing is hush hush. I sometimes feel that the Operations Manager intends to keep him and doesn't want his name drug through the dirt. She normally has an unusually large mouth when it comes to personal issues so this is the only reason I can come up with behind her silence.

So I'm at home now. My best friends husband is helping my brother change the breaks on his truck and plans on doing my car next. I just ran through the flash cards I memorized last weekend and am glad to say there were only 3 just shy of 100 cards that I struggled with. And the ones I didn't get were the longer description ones where I can't get the verbiage down just right. Anyways, my test is in 2 weeks. I'm scared to death. I'm anxious. But I'm getting to that point of feeling like I've come this far, I know I can do this. Computer Geek says "Failure is not an option". :) Of course it isn't.

Anyways, shortly after my supervisor went on “leave” the Operations Manager pulled my department in a meeting the day before she left for two weeks of conferences and I was basically put in charge of the things she or my immediate supervisor used to do. I know its temporary but it was pretty cool to have that responsibility given to me. But it meant I had to do that on top of my other daily tasks. It took me a bit to get used to trying to organize my day to get everything done but in the end I'm happy with how it all worked out. I will be curious as to what the Operations Manager thinks of it all. I'm excited about my job and where this test can take me. Once I pass The Operations Manager said she had some changes to my job that she thinks I'll enjoy.

I've been marveling on the stark contrast of how I used to feel about my job and my Operations Manager and the enjoyment I get out of work these days. My Operations Manager can still a bit hard to handle but whatever issue she had with me seems to have faded into oblivion and she seems to think more highly of me and what I can offer the company. Anyone who tells me they hate their job because of a particular coworker I tell them to have faith... Things can change!

So it's ironic that since I've made the decision to back off of the men in my life, my female friends have become more involved in my every day stuff. I got a call from an old friend who moved up to Oregon. It was so awesome to talk to her. And she asked about the boys in my life and I really didn't have a lot to say. She was there when the Ex and I broke up and she hadn't heard he got married and that we still talk and that he even was stupid enough to send me his honeymoon pictures! Anyways, it was great catching up with her. And that same night I got a call from my Ex's cousin whom became my friend at college and I spilled my guts about this guy I was interested and sure enough found out because of a wedding announcement on my Ex's desk that I recognized that it was his cousin. Odd... Anyways, sadly she is separated from her husband. Amazing how quickly marriages crumble these days. And another girl that used to date Junior has been calling a lot more often these days. Just wanting to touch base and see how everyone is doing.

Geek Photographer is all but out of my life. We haven't chatted nearly as much. I keep my distance. The phone calls have stopped. I sometimes think it's best to keep him completely out of my life. I chatted with him yesterday for the first time in a few days and sure enough within moments we got into a little tiff. I couldn't believe it.

Burbank - Well he's no longer living in Burbank so I probably need to rename him to Montana... :) But I guess keeping his nickname would work too. Anyways, Burbank came up exactly a week ago to hang out one last time. We were good this time. No hanky panky. Hehe Though he debated on spending the night because it's such a long drive home. When I hugged him goodbye I will say I had some emotions because I really will miss him! Sure, when I'm out visiting my grandparents I'll make sure to see him. But it was hard enough for us to hang out when he lived in Burbank! Maybe that was the problem. We kind of took advantage the fact that we were close enough but just far enough away to make it a bit too inconvenient to hang out consistently. I will say we got together more in the last year since I knew he was thinking about moving.

He even made that effort to stop by and meet the parents! Which I still can't quite figure out. hehe My dad thought he was great. They had a lot in common with their love of flight simulator games. My mom liked him too. What's not to like really? He's a good guy. My dad said that he seemed like a hurting soul though. And that's a pretty good assessment since he's leaving California to try to get out of his funk.

So there's another new guy friend. I don't think I've ever mentioned him. I want to label him the Music Man. He's a friend of the Ex. He and I met on myspace. He went to a DM concert and got to meet the band and I pretty much told a perfect stranger that I hated him and that’s the beginning of our friendship! He invited me to a show in Pomona in June for a band I had never heard of before that time, OURS. (Side Note: If you read my post prior you know this is the band that I'm obsessing over now.) His friend ditched him last minute and he asked me to go for free and I figured why not? I'm always up for new music. I went, we met in person for the first time, he's way cool and laid back and the show was an absolute blast!

A few weeks later he mentioned that there was an acoustic show at the end of September with the lead singer of OURS (Jimmy Gnecco) and asked if I wanted him to get me a ticket. Which I said “of course” to.

Then maybe a week after our birthday (we share the exact birthday), he asked if I wanted to go to another concert for free at the Hollywood Bowl with Nick Cave, Spiritualized and Cat Powers. This show was just two weeks before the acoustic show we already planned on going to. Sure enough this show rocked! We had incredible seats! Seriously 2nd row center! I was feeling slightly guilty as I saw the many fans envious of our spot when I had never even heard of the bands playing. But it was great to experience the show from that spot. And I even have a couple new bands I like! Nick Cave is interesting, but I definitely liked Spiritualized. Turns out Computer Geek is a fan and made me a cd of the albums he has of theirs… And he added a few others that he thought I’d like, (how freakin sweet is that?!).

So then our show at the end of September happened. I was blown away by the intimacy of the show. It was in the tiny "On the Rox" in Hollywood and we were front row again. I think I fell in love with the Jimmy Gnecco right then. I have obsessed for the last few weeks. He's an amazing singer.

So this week I happened to notice another OURS show at The Roxy in Hollywood in the beginning of December and have asked Music Man to come with me. :) I feel like he's the only one that would appreciate it with me.

Music man is a really cool guy. I don't get the relationship vibe from him. He just seems like a genuine person that I enjoy hanging out with. He seems to like that I appreciate music. I may not play any instruments or understand how they do it, but I sure as hell enjoy the music. He says that most of his other friends don't understand his tastes and pretty much I've established I do. It'll be interesting to see how this friendship proceeds.

So Computer Geek is still my fav... The last couple of days at work I've been so insanely busy I haven't had a chance to keep pestering him all day so we haven't chatted much. He's such a sweetie. I somehow felt truly special he made me that cd. There are just so many things throughout the day that make me smile about him and just who he is. I still haven’t convinced him to open up more about some of the stuff he’s into but I’ll keep working on him. He shares little by little and honestly that’s cool with me. He probably knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! Well it’s late and I have an early morning.

Tired

2008-10-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I'm feeling a little hesitant to blog anymore. I am not sure whats up with that. I usually love sharing my thoughts with the world. I have come to realize that I don't like blogging on my public blog because so many people read it and right now I have so much going on in my head that I don't feel like sharing when certain people can read it. Even this secret blog has 1 possible reader who knows me. I feel more safe having him know about the true me but still I wonder am I truly being myself knowing he may be reading? I've decided that I probably will no longer blog on my personal site. Maybe I should go back and some how explain what I think brought this about.

I'm currenly listening to a live album of a concert I went to last Monday. I'm seriously swooning over the lead singer. I had such an amazing night I think I keep relistening to it because its one of the main things bringing a genuine smile on my face. I know my last post was pretty intense. And honestly I would have to say that has a lot to do with the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I'm still friends with the person that was written about. But I've pulled back completely. I can't say he hasn't either but I think we've both realized it's just a dysfunctional relationship.

I have become insecure. I had taken a lot of strides in realizing that I'm a beautiful person even though I may be heavyset. But sadly I question and doubt everything now. If someone mentions one thing about my personality I cringe like it's a negative thing. I went through a lot of depression last week. Wednesday was a pretty bad night. I have yet to have a good cry though. I thought I needed one Wednesday but when I tried I was completely numb.

And as I mentioned earlier I have a seriously swooning issue with the lead singer to OURS. I've been thinking a lot about all the boys in my life and somehow I feel that maybe I should stick with liking this lead singer. Why? Because there is less chance of getting hurt. He's unattainable. I can dream, wish and hope all I want and have to live with the occasional live show. I realize I'm a bit boy crazy. And I sometimes wonder if that part of my personality will ever change. There has always been someone. If not a tangible person, then it's been someone I could never get. I am a flirt. Can this part of my personality be toned down? I know I can change if I really want to. I'm just not sure if I want to yet. I sometimes think it would be easier. I end up really liking certain guys and then find out I'm misreading their actions. Or being casual with them until my feelings turn more serious and then I tend to get hurt.

It's odd. I'm even thinking about revamping my entire website. Not that I want to have a whole new layout, but I want a lot less on the site. Or I want to turn it into a photography only site. I don't like my current web album and I haven't been able to figure out an easy way of cleaning it up other then throwing it all out and starting over. Why is this included in my reflections? Because it shows I feel a need for some serious change. I'm pulling my life off of display.

I'm tired of feeling used. My best friend keeps wondering how I get involved with these guys that take advantage of me. They seem to capitalize on the fact that I like them and get what they want and don't offer much in return. I tend to notice they can be jerks but there is also another part of the friendships/relationships that is fulfilling. I've always said my brother likes 12 year old toothpicks with a little bitch to them. Of course they aren't actually 12 years old, but they are young! So now I'm wondering if I'm similar in my tastes. I like young toothpicks with a bit of jerk to them. Most of my life I've always crushed on younger guys. There is no question I like em skinny! And if we stick with the trend. they all can be serious assholes! My brother likes his girls to be a bit independent and successful. I could say the same about the guys I like. I mean Computer Geek and I have even talked about it, I'm an IT groupie. I like guys with brains and a bit of geek to them. That's one thing my brother doesn't have. He likes girls with expensive tastes and high class. That's not the case with the men I like. Sure they are successful but they don't have to be in designer clothes.

Sometimes I think if I were more introverted it would be a good thing. It's a struggle. Computer Geek and I were talking about relationships and he told me that he doesn't get attached with the women he dates. I sadly am almost the complete opposite. I get wrapped up in that person. But we established that there are pros and cons for both. And right now I'm hurt. So I wish I would have been less attached, more reserved. (Sigh) Not sure where all this reflection is going to take me. It may just be a protective thing.

Anyways, I'm definitely zoning. I need to go to sleep.

VERY raw and uncut

2008-09-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

So I need to clear my head...

I'm angry
I'm hurt
I'm thinking your a pompas ass!!!!

You always have to dig dig dig... Fucking punch me in the gut... do you realize that I never once called your choices stupid! Never once put down your ideas. In fact, I even said that you were right. Do you realize you NEVER do this for me. You never concede... And if you do, it's never done in a polite manner. It's always belittling. I'm tired of being called the non-logical one. I'm tired of you hurting me. I'm tired of feeling like a miniscule little piece of shit every time we discuss my feelings. I'm not wrong. These are my feelings. My choices. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! You fucking asshole! Fucking bastard!

I'm tired of trying to figure out how this friendship can work. I know you say you try... But in actuality it's like you try to find a way to get in there and hurt me. why? Why push the issue? Why make me feel like a little dumb person that is evil for having my own opinion!!?!?!?! I never put yours down. I listened. I reasoned. Is this imaturity?!?!?!

This isn't about just this conversation. If you think it is, you're insane. This is what I feel like with MOST of our conversations. Why do you even talk to me if I'm so stupid? Why do you even want to be my friend? This is how your responses to me make me feel. How could you want me in your life? is it that I make it so easy for you to feel good about yourself? To make you feel like you're the man? Damn you!

Ya know... I have low enough self esteem already. I don't think you're very healthy for me. I think I need to realize that this is a destructive relationship for me. I need someone to make me feel special. To make me feel good about having my own opinion. Someone that will help me stand on my own and not fall to my knees. I can't fully blame you. Our personalities just don't work well together. Why are we trying ? Why am I trying? Because I care about you so much? I'm sure that's the reason. How did I come to have such strong feelings for someone that makes me feel so small and unimportant?

Why am I so scared to send this? Is it because I don't want to lose you? Because I know if I truly call you on your shitty behavior you will walk away... You've told me as much. But I can't deal with this anymore. I so desperately want you to call and say you're sorry and that you care about me. Is this what I've been waiting for? is it even possible? Is it even true?

I don't want to play games. Yet I want to make you sweat it out. But are you? Or are you moving onto the next thing to entertain you?

I'm still crying... This is not a good thing. I can't stop. Is it because I know I have to say goodbye forever? Is it because I truly care about you and yet don't feel the feelings are mutual?

I know you're going through a lot ... Is this why? Is that your way of not focusing on the fact that your work situation sucks so much? Is this your defense mechanism? Do I send this text? Do I just go to sleep? I want to talk to you. I want to share these feelings... I'm so afraid of your reaction. I'm so understanding that in comparison to this conversation you will be in shock at my volcano... But I've been pushed too far. I've made too many excuses for your behavior towards me. I deserve people in my life that will help me feel good about myself. I lament with you about your work situation. I lament about your family. You have lamented about one thing... my sister. To the point that I feel guilty you won't be her friend.

Part of me wants to apologize for adding to your already overwhelmed situation. And a part of me knows you will belittle me if I do... Something to the extent of "Oh I had forgotten you were even pissed" ......little fucker... I'm tired of you making me feel like a peon.

Sent... lets see how you react... Will you reply? will you tell me you just thought I went to bed and could care less? Will you even feel the least bit of guilt for talking down to me? Will you even say you're sorry?

The Men - young and old

2008-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Vegas - After I refrained from having sex with him when I was in Vegas for a business trip I thought he'd stop texting but to my surprise he's kept it up. Though I really found it difficult to stop myself from having sex. If I hadn't made a promise to myself that I didn't want to add another person to my list I would have easily let him come up to my room. But if I can't be honest here where can I be honest? I did it for Geek Photographer. He knew I was going to meet someone in Vegas and possibly have sex. He seemed concerned about it. He kept making me promise to tell him if I did end up doing something with Vegas. And because of my feelings for him, not wanting to let him down, I refrained from having sex, even though damn.... I wanted to. Vegas is fucking hot! It didn't stop me from having great makeout sessions.

I was surprised at how natural it all happened. I found myself walking hand-in-hand with him. He was a complete gentleman well other then pushing me to have sex when I kept saying no. He knew deep down I was struggling with my decision. But I stuck to my guns and in the end he respected it.

Colorado - Did I mention that the moment he got married he fell off the face of the earth? Not on chat, website password secured, cell number no longer a working number, *poof*... gone!

Ex - Has surprisingly kept in contact since being married. Not so much on chat but in emails. In fact making an awkward attempt at being friendly by sending me links to his honeymoon and wedding! I struggled with the "wtf" thoughts... Seriously, who sends an ex-girlfriend pictures of your honeymoon? hehe Freak... But he's a nice guy. My friends ask why I don't just tell him to go away. Part of me wonders if I should. He made a promise, part of me thinks I should just thank him for sticking to it, but it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't mind an update every 6 months, but you don't have to work at keeping the friendship alive. What friendship really? It's more like an awkward aquaintence now.

Burbank - Has pushed off his move a few weeks. It's now scheduled for the 29th. He's made it a priority to meet my parents before he leaves the state. Odd, I know. Still can't quite figure that one out.

Junior - Yup, a new character in my listings of men. I've been trying to figure out a good name for him. He's 11 years my junior so I figured why not just call him that. I've mentioned him before, asking if it was wrong that I was shamelessly flirting with him. The thing is, I think this young guy is a total hottie. I think last night I found out for the first time the feelings are mutual. We've made a pact that the next time we're both single he's taking me out on a date. He currently has a girlfriend.

I first mentioned him at the bottom of my "Getting Stuff off my chest" blog if you want a little history.

In not such a wise move I admitted that I woke up one morning to a naughty dream about him. I had only shared that it made me blush. He got a kick out of it the day I told him but never mentioned it again. But sure enough he mentioned it last night. He wanted to know what I dreamt about. Going back and forth he told me I was sexy, extremely beautiful and that he was looking forward to taking me out... Damn!

Even in the midst of others he has said some things that make others question him about his actions because he has a girlfriend. He found out I missed a call from Older Guy and someone commented that his reaction showed jealousy.

Older Guy - He keeps promising to take me out for my birthday but our schedules just haven't meshed. He's such a dreamer. He has some awesome business ideas. But I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

Computer Geek - Still as adorable as ever. Though I'm surprised he sent his girlfriend back home. I know that with his girlfriend around I kept myself a little guarded not to go too far with the flirting even though I knew he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Geek Photographer - Oddly I haven't been as worked up about him the last couple of days. He hasn't been calling as regularly. Tuesday I didn't hear from him once, but he was also at a funeral that day. Though I guess he said he was tempted to stop by my work on his way back to Santa Monica but he had a huge headache and just needed to get home. I didn't mind I had a long drawn out talk with Washington which I'll discuss in a moment. This morning he text me and asked if he could call me on my way into work. He had some drama at work he wanted to share and I guess get my advise and opinion.

Washington - He called me Tuesday night and asked if I had time to talk. Sure enough he went on for about 2 hours about the history, every detail, with the latest girl he was seeing. I had no idea he was such an overanalyzer. He went on and on and at a couple points I had to tell him to get to the point. He jumped all over the place. Story after story. He wanted my opinion as a girl and when I would share it he would interupt or try to explain my opinion away with another story. If I would say anything negative about this girl he would get overly defensive of her. My phone finally died after 2 1/2 hours. I will say this... The girl he's seeing is scared to death to get into a serious relationship. She's keeping him at arms length but is holding onto him for dear life.

Sadly the next day I found out only 30 minutes after our talk he found out his best friend from the service was killed in Iraq two days ago. :( Poor guy, so much going on. He called me on my work line yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I'm really actually worried about him.

Well that's it for now.

Written 7/27/08 - Old post about Geek Photographer

2008-09-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ok so most of this was written Sunday night...

I don't have a lot of time. I really should be in bed. But as most days... I tend to contemplate more at night.

Geek Photographer - Hmmm... I'm wondering whats going on in his head. We've become good friends. I enjoy our conversations. He seems to be calling more. Every weekend he comes up to visit his mom and always had an excuse not to get together. I finally stopped trying to make an effort. Finally last week it hit me that maybe it was because of a fear that spending time together would lead to something more. So I decided this was the case and started teasing him about being a scaredy cat and he was just afraid I'd "maninize" him. This is his word to desribe me since I tend to flirt with a lot of guys.

So I owe him cookies, for what? I can't remember. Earlier in the week I told him I could bake them this weekend and drop them off or we could meet in a public place so his mom won't give him a hard time about me. (She wants him to date me because I'm a Christian and she wants him to date a Christian rather then be with his Buddhist girlfriend.) He never gave me an answer so Friday I sent him a text asking him if I was baking his cookies, he said "no." So imagine my surprise when he called when my sister was finishing up my hair, asking if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. I felt like shit. I started my period and my stomach was all jacked up. I looked like crap because I stayed up WAY too late the night before. But I agreed to meet up with him. I exaggerated the length of time it would take so I could buy time to go freshen up.

I get home and am aware I want to look my best. I thought this was going to be a difficult task feeling and looking as horrible as I did. But I seemed to pull it off somehow. I knew I was over-dressed for a last minute call on a Saturday but I figured how would he know I went out of my way for him unless I told him?

He needed some sandals so we met at a shoe store near my house. As soon as I saw him I realized that there was definitely an attraction to him. One that had grown since the last time I had seen him in person. So I walk up to him and give him a hug and I could tell we both were feeling a bit awkward. But it didn't last long. I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed eager for my opinion of his choices. We had a couple "moments" as I would call them. Moments where later I imagined pulling him in for a kiss.

He was such a gentleman. I am still surprised when men pay for things. The only other person that wouldn't allow me to buy anything was Older Guy but I figured it was a generation thing. But the two times I've hung out with Geek Photographer he wouldn't let me pay, even when it was a place I stopped for myself! It was in Juice It Up that I noticed I was crushing big time. We were waiting for our drinks and it was crowded, we were close, but I didn't realize how close till everyone else was gone and we stayed right where we were.

It wasn't until we went our seperate ways that I called my friend and told her I was in serious trouble. I went home and took a nap, I couldn't get the grin off my face. Nothing happened. Though I kept imagining how it could have at Juice It Up. I kept smiling over comments that were made. I realized this is a problem. He has a girlfriend. What am I doing!? So I started compiling a conversation that I should have with him about my concern of his lack of communication about his girlfriend, making me feel he was available. I find myself flirting with him far more then I should a guy in a relationship. I find myself imagining a relationship forming when he's made it clear that's not what he wants.

Even now, after the conversations we've had... I can't imagine him NOT wanting a relationship with me. Have I deluded myself into thinking he wants me and all along he's made it abundantly clear that he's glad I don't have any expectations? I mean after my nap I made the decision to back off. Keep my distance. For my own safety and sanity. But he's called me more then usual, sent text messages more often and has been all around more involved. I've even given excuses, given him outs, and he's asked me to call him back or made reasons for me to stay on the phone with him. It's just odd. I know I'm falling more then I should. I need to keep myself from letting my imagination and my heart from slipping too far.

We talked tonight about his beliefs. He knew I went to a water baptism after church. He made a joke about drowning the person and he mentioned that he knew I wouldn't be offended with a statement like that unlike his sister and his mom. I hadn't realized his sister was a Christian also. I've always been under the impression that he was raised in a Christian home but that he never kept the beliefs as his own. He was very offended when he found out thats how I viewed his beliefs. He said there was a big difference in believing in something and not actively pursuing it.

He also said something else that intrigued me. I was mentioning that I felt he was a bit obsessed with Computer Geek. He always asks about him. He told me its because he's trying to figure out what's going on between us. I thought he was joking until he said that he's backed off on asking because I kept giving him the same answer and now he'll throw in a question about him here and there just to see if I'll give in to more information. I laughed and told him what I've always told him. Sure I flirt with Computer Geek... That everyone in the office knows I flirt with Computer Geek. Majorly flirt! And I totally think he's a cutie, a bit of a freak but in a good way! But that's it. But I didn't tell him that if Computer Geek ever wanted to do anything with me, I think I'd go for it in a heartbeat! My only hesitation is my own personal insecurities, because I can't imagine Computer Geek being physically attracted to me, sure my face may be pretty... But if his current girlfriend is any indication of what he is physically attracted to then I'm the opposite. And well we work together, it would make for an awkward work environment.

ARGH!!!

2008-09-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Why do boys have to be so confusing? Yesterday after a talk with my friend I was left feeling like I was completely done with "his" games. Almost sad that I keep falling for them. Angry that he was so selfish to keep toying with my emotions. I decided I had enough. I was going to avoid talking with him until I was ready to tell him so. I had already agreed to talk to him last night so I stayed busy and didn't keep my phone on me like usual. Sure enough I missed his call. I decided to text him when I was heading to bed and let him know I was sorry I missed his call but was busy and was heading to bed. Sure enough maybe 10 minutes later I get a call from him. I debated on picking up but decided it was easier to answer and just let him know I was in bed.

He, of course, wanted to talk. I told him I was in bed. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I was groggy. And sadly I was already smirking as I talked to him. Something in how he talks to me makes me laugh. I can't help but enjoy myself. But sure enough when I made it clear I was not intending to talk long he pulled the game out of his bag and said something he knew would get to me. I'm not sure if it was because I'd been stewing on my frustrations but in a half asleep stuper I started telling him off. Not yelling, just groggily but flatly calling him a fucking asshole and that I was done with his games. He of course found this highly entertaining. I can imagine how it came out. Someone half asleep mumbles something about you being a fucking asshole. But I meant it, every word. He suddenly brings on the charm... I try to stay mad. He fixes the statement he said that pushed me over that edge of self control. He knows I get angry with him quite regularly. Suddenly his voice is like silk... He's teasing... Toying... Again. I tell him I can't stay mad.

The above was written Wednesday September 17th.

So I spent the day at "his" mom's house, with him, his mom, and sister's family. He told me they like me if that's any consolation to the fact that they were whispering about us while I was on the living room floor playing on a train set with him and his nephew. I was tempted to write back "it's not them that I'm curious about".

Should I even still be curious? He knows the depth of my feelings yet I can't tell if he really likes me. I know he does. But is it just more games?

One thing I've learned is I freaking talk too much! Too many people know my business and I find myself retreating right now. Three people, no make that four people that I care about all have negative views of each other because of what I've shared! Do you realize how horrible that makes me feel? My best friend doesn't like "him" all that much. My sister got offended at "him". "He" doesn't like my sister because of something I shared that happened between her and I. My friend whom I referred to that I spoke to Tuesday about "him" seems to be the only one to understand because she's in a similarly confusing situation with a guy. Though her guy is nothing but sweet and complimentary.

Yet... "He" has started to compliment me more since our talk Tuesday night. Nothing extravagant or even necessarily romantic in nature. But telling me I have a nice laugh when I was telling him I worried my laugh can be a bit loud. He also went out of his way to say I had a great personality. And that someone I was having an issue with at work was probably just jealous because he can't imagine anyone not liking me. He told me tonight he was glad I came over and it was nice to see me again. These things may not seem like much but sadly it's a big deal for him. We see eachother maybe once every couple of months. Yet I talk to him every day, multiple times a day. I left his mom's house and we text for about an hour.

Then I keep thinking... Is this what I want? Someone I care about not really making me feel all that special? Or should I be ok with the little things? We do seem to have a great friendship. I looked at him today, I mean really looked at him. Wondering if I could see myself with him. Part of me wasn't sure. Is this one of those situations I'm infatuated but if it came down to it and was presented with a relationship would I really want one with him?

I'm tired of crying. Yes... I've cried the last couple of times I've been torn. This doesn't seem normal. I was on the verge of crying on my way over to "his" mom's house. I was upset because of him not coming over to my house because my sister was over at my place. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving in to his decision to have me go over to his mom's house. (I did that with an ex and it was a huge mistake) I felt like I was just settling. Feeding into his bad behavior. Yet I wanted to see him. ARGH! I'm so frustrated. Should I really be frustrated? Whenever I'm with him I'm happy and I forget all of this! But as soon as I'm thinking about it, i'm pissed. Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

Like tomorrow... I suggested he come down to my work early so we could hang out before he had to pick up some relatives at the airport by my work. He said he had tentative plans with another friend of his. I told him no worries and when I was telling him goodnight I told him to give me a call if he was able to hang out otherwise I'd just head home after work. He then comes back asking me to text him after I got off of work. Why couldn't he just call me? It's almost like he has to be in control. But of even something that simple?

It's so sad. I talk to my friends and they all say he sounds like a big jerk. Yet I defend him and realize I somehow haven't conveyed how he makes me feel the other times. How can I be so pulled to this guy that I can't seem to get my friends to think is a decent guy? Sigh... I think I've shared all that I can share. I need to get to bed and I'm sure I will sleep thinking of him, tossing and turning like I have for the last week. blah!

I'm buzzed

2008-09-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vegas with no clothes on (left my pjs at home) ... totally buzzed. Probably more so then I have been in a LONG time. I went to a bar and ordered a drink that the bartender convinced me to get in a mason jar size! It had rum, some sour green stuff, and vodka. The worst part is I only drank maybe a little over 1/4 and I was feeling it! I'm a lightweight, what can I say. Right now I'm pounding the water because the biggest portion of my business trip happens tomorrow!

I've had a great trip. I've never done the business trip. I've been keeping receipts and know that even the drink I ordered will be covered by the company. Kind of nice!

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to go to sleep. I need to be up early for a long day at a conference. But right now I'm glad I'm taking this opportunity to enjoy myself. My friend from Utah has been out hanging out with me. She and I go WAY back... I think we met when I was 6 and she was 7. She's got an infectious laugh. She's awesome.

Remember Vegas? The guy I refer to as Vegas that is. Well he had every intention of "hooking up" while I was here. And at one point I was convinced I would get laid on this trip. But since my sexcapade with Burbank I have a different view of the whole situation. Even now, I still don't plan on letting him get anywhere. I think I pissed him off. When I first arrived he wanted to take me to dinner when I already warned him before I even got here that I wouldn't have time to hang out till Wednesday night. I haven't heard from him since. So I may not even see him tomorrow night. And I'm not too worried about it. In fact, it will save me the effort of having to convince him how serious I am that I'm not going to sleep with him.

*ok I take it back... Just heard from Vegas and he's planning on picking me up from the hotel tomorrow night and take me to dinner and out to a club. We'll see how it goes.

Anyways, I think I've fallen for Geek Photographer. There's no other explanation for how I feel about him. Things have changed for us recently and I think he's starting to accept it as well. Who knows though. He always gets close and then pulls away. But he knew about "Vegas" propositioning me and even though he knows I don't plan on having sex he's asked me every day if I've hooked up with him. And before I left he made me promise to be honest if i did hook up with Vegas. I don't see what concern it is of his but oh well.

Well I really should get to sleep. I'll write more soon I'm sure...

So... It was my birthday Thursday...

2008-09-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! So my birthday was Thursday. I didn't do too much. I felt special all day though. I was surprised I got so many calls, emails, texts, comments on myspace and facebook, etc. At work Computer Geek applauded me. There is another guy... not sure I ever gave him a nickname but I know I've mentioned him. I was accused of having an affair with him! Either way he gave me a hug and wished me a happy birthday. Another girl sang me happy birthday. I think the biggest surprise was someone I've known on a superficial level for years made a point to go out of his way to call and wish me a happy birthday. All-in-all it was a great day! And tonight I'm going out with some friends.

Geek Photographer - Where to start? There have been so many blogs I've started but never posted about him. Mostly because I get so furious with him, I vent, and suddenly he's as sweet as can be again. I guess it's safe to say he brings out the worst in me. Horrible to say I know. But it's the only explanation I can give for how I react to him. Turns out I do the same to him, though he hides it better then me. I'm drawn to him in an unnatural way. I think he knows this and exploits it. He enjoys the power and abuses it until he realizes that he's pushed me too far and then he makes up for it.

Though in all the frustration I think we've come to a mutual understanding and respect for where to draw the lines. I sometimes wonder what makes the friendship worth this much effort!?

So we got together a week and a half ago to test out his new concept for a photoshoot. We had a good time. I think that was the first time I realized how much it bothers him that I pry into his life. Not by what he said, but just how he said it. It made sense. I'm an open person so it's harder for me to understand. But something clicked and I decided to back off on asking him and sure enough in the last week and a half he's opened up more then ever. Maybe not about things I have been curious about but some things I was pleasantly surprised he was willing to share.

I lost it with him a week ago Friday but within moments I realized what the issue was. And there hasn't been any issues ever since. I shared with him my concerns. I've been very honest that I believe my feelings for him affect my ability to brush off the things he says. I don't regret telling him this, though I'm sure some people would say that wasn't wise. I have no clue where this friendship is going. And really, it doesn't matter.

Oh yes he did!

2008-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

Me - You can't be serious!?!?

Him - I am

Me - You aren't coming up here JUST to have sex!?!!

Him - Well it won't just be sex, we will be kissing too.

Me - You're pulling my leg

Him - I'm absolutely serious, what's a good time?

Me - I'm going out for my birthday Saturday night.

Him - Well I could come over earlier for a quickie

Me - You're so playing with me. That's so wrong!

Him - (pleading) Awh... Come on... You know you want to. You're so mean, why aren't you being nice to me? And I need a quickie. You know you want it too...

Me - (having a hard time concentrating because of the longing in his voice) ...

Him - Please?!

Me - (Sarcastically) sure then come over at noon...

Him - That'll give us 6 hours... What if I need more time?

Me - (still in disbelief) Fine, make it 9...

Him - ok I'll need directions

Me - I know you can't be serious about this.

Him - You should see how serious I am! Do you want a picture?

Me - (mouth drops to the floor)

Him - (laughs)

Me - ...(Calling his bluff) Sure send it over!

Him - I can't do that! I can't believe you'd ask!

Me - I didn't ask, you offered, I decided to take you up on it.

Him - Guess where my hand is?

Me - You can't be serious!?!

Him - Just guess

Me - On your stomach

Him - nope

Me - on your head

Him - come on, I know you can do better then that

Me - on your chest

Him - I know you can be more dirty then that!

Me - in your armpits

Him - Think dirtier.

Me - You can't be touching yourself!?!?

Him - With how perverted you are, I can't believe you're not guessing. I know you know. Just say it.

Me - Fine... Are you touching yourself down there? (oddly not able to say the word penis or dick)

Him - Yup!

Me - (Jaw drops again) Are you rubbing?

Him - mmhmmm

Me - How hard are you?

Him - Well I have to go to bed now. Goodnight!

Computer Geek still in the lead

2008-08-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

I know I said the men have all taken a step back... At least the ones that were possible relationship candidates. One person has stayed at the forefront of my affections and that's Computer Geek. Though he was never really a candidate it doesn't change the fact that I still have a considerable crush on him. He's such a sweetie and there really is just something about him that draws me to him, he just brings a smile to my face.

I think the most surprising thing for me was when I had a nightmare last week. It was horrible. I couldn't shake the creepiness I felt. I rebuked the enemy multiple times, prayed in my tongue, even called my mom at 4:30 in the morning to pray with me. It was one of the worst nightmares I can remember. But the dream wasn't all that bad, it was the creepiness that I couldn't seem to shake that got to me more then the dream itself. When I finally felt a little light hearted I tried to keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to avoid visuals of the worst parts of the dream from coming to the forefront of my mind. Computer Geek was the one thing that made me feel calm, memories of our chats or moments at work. Even work in general was the one thing I could focus on and eventually fall back to sleep.

Anyways, Computer Geeks friendship means a lot to me. There is a joy that he brings to my life that I hope never gets taken away. I know there is a high chance that it could. As with most relationships, people come and go, but there are those people that leave a lasting impression and he will be one of them for sure.

Geek Photographer - He's made me promise to say something nice about him in my secret blog today. So I will say things are going well again. I haven't shared with him any hints of its whereabouts (like I did with Computer Geek). I think he's concerned he's gotten on my shit list and to be honest there were plenty of times he was. I had an entire long winded post about how frustrated I was with him but it just didn't seem important enough to share with the world. I vented and that was all I needed. I needed a break from him and I took it. I would like to say it was my choice but it seemed that we both came to that conclusion at the same time. He is the one that calls me, and for an entire week I neither got a call or chatted with him. In fact, I thought the friendship was over and to be honest I wasn't too heart broken.

But that break seems to have done the friendship good. He's no longer the major ass he was before. I almost felt like he went out of his way to put me down. Now it's a normal friendship. He still gives me shit. And with my friendships that's required.

He's also come up with a photography outting. One that I'm pretty excited about! One, its a very cool concept! Two, it'll just be fun to get out and shoot pics with a purpose. He has big plans to get our photography group going but the last time I got my hopes up and nothing came of it. One thing I've realized is that he's a dreamer and an entrepreneur. Both things I admire but it can sometimes mean being let down by the next big thing.

So the above was written last night. I got interupted by a call from Geek Photographer because he couldn't sleep! We pretty much just surfed the web together. It was ... kind of interesting. I enjoyed it. But I hate when I start to like him more then I should. He's proven that when I start to care he becomes an asshole. I'm running late to work this morning too because my brother needed my car to pick up parts for his truck and I know I'm gonna get shit about being late when we were both up just as late as the other and he got to work on time. And this would be the kind of shit that I enjoy as much as I may moan and groan about it while he's dishing it.

Well I need to pack up my lunch and get ready so when my brother gets back I'm ready.

Circle of Men

2008-08-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

It used to be that I could just reach out and grab one... If that one annoyed me, look another direction and grab the next. Now all the men have taken a step back whether because I've pushed them away or they've pulled away on their own. Now I'm forced to take a step toward one of them to get closer and I'm not willing to make that move. I'm in the middle of the circle looking at them all longingly and yet just don't want to make the effort. For now, that's how I'm leaving it.

What just happened!?

2008-08-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

So where does one begin? I have another post about Geek Photographer that has been waiting to post for so long that it's no longer relevant to things going on between us. I will post it with additions another time... Because from one week to the next things changed so dramatically and currently not for the better.

Burbank - Is the main reason for this late post. He called me last week and asked if I'd be able to go to BootieLA with him. It's something we've wanted to do for a while now and I was shocked to realize that I was actually available to go! So we made plans to meet at his place, head over to Bootie from there and that was that.

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the dancing, or just the mutual attraction and need/desire for sex but I found myself in bed with him. It seems odd to say. It's like it didn't happen. I feel no remorse or regret. We're friends. I went into it knowing it wouldn't go anywhere. He's moving. I think that's part of the reason I felt ok acting on my urge. And I look back and am not sure what we were thinking. I feel slightly scattered in my thoughts, even now the next day. That could be because I only got 4 hours of sleep and then took a 3 hour nap.

But looking back, I knew the frame of mind I was in. I wanted sex. I knew I'd enjoy sex with him. And yet, considering he's only my 2nd partner for actual intercourse I'm surprised I'm not as impacted by my actions. I was surprised by my boldness with him.

I went back to his place and he wanted to burn a copy of the cd I got from the club. I laid on his bed while he showed me things on his computer. And before I realized it, he started a movie and came and laid on the bed intimately close to me placing his hand on my hips or around my waist. We cuddled for a bit and I would say I was the one that started kissing him. He jokingly commented that neither of us had ever imagined going here before. We've been friends for so long and even then, I thought it was only going to be a make-out session. He even asked if I was going to blog about this on myspace and I told him I wouldn't not about something like this but that I'd definitely be mentioning it on my secret blog. He laughed and said of course I'd have a secret blog! But the kissing got hot and heavy quick and before I knew it he was asking if he should be getting a condom.

The sex was intense. I'm so sad to say that it was better then I ever had with my ex as far as satisfaction goes. I loved my ex, it was more intimate and special. With Burbank it was animalistic... It was fucking. And I was pleasantly surprised by his focus on me. I have always felt he was a bit of a selfish bastard, but apparently not as a lover. He was all about pleasing me and pacing himself. I never knew my ex wasn't very experienced until having sex with Burbank last night. It made it obvious only then. And when we finally were done for the night, or I should say morning because the sun was rising, he was surprisingly affectionate. We laid in bed and he always had to be holding onto me or touching me, he would tenderly caress my body or move my hair if he felt it was in my way.

When I finally got up to get ready to leave it was right back to friend mode. He burned the copy of the cd, made me breakfast, we chatted about every day events and then we talked a little about what happened and neither of us were too concerned. Well I will say he was worried about the affect on the friendship and I too would have thought something would have been changed if this happened last year but I have since moved on from any romantic feelings about him. I am attracted to him. We do have fun. But he can be a real ass sometimes and I know I wouldn't want him in my life for any length of time.

Now as much as I'm thankful for this fact that having sex has not impacted our friendship, I'm actually rather concerned at my ability to be so ok with what I did. My friend found out about it, she figured it out on her own and I couldn't lie, she was shocked. And honestly I hadn't given it much thought until she said something. Because I've gotten on her about her desire to have sex with this one guy. But I know it would be detrimental to her because she really cares about this guy and having sex with him will screw her up more since he has a girlfriend. I knew I didn't want anything more with Burbank. Yet I can't imagine me just going out and having sex with anyone else. I've always imagined something happening with me and him. And I think the friendship is one where I knew I could trust him. Other guys I don't feel I can trust that well. Or am I saying all this in hopes not to sound like I sleep around with just anyone? I know I don't. I'm still kind of surprised by how things worked out.

Something just hit me... Vegas... I had every intention of having sex with him when I went out there next month. Now I'm suddenly not so sure. Why is that? Hmm I will have to think about that one. But for now I really need to get to bed.

Getting stuff off my chest...

2008-07-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

So I need to get this off my chest and my wireless connection isn’t working so well. “Oh… My… God…” Why does it irk me so much when someone complains about my use of that phrase? Why does it seem like such hypocrisy to be scolded for using the Lord’s name in vain when I use the phrase? Either way, I just got off the phone with a ~~friend~~ acquaintance, whom just gave me a lecture on the use of that phrase and it being offensive to him and oh how he didn’t want to come across as a jerk or anything but it was his God too… blah blah blah!

Of course this conversation comes after a possibly inappropriate chat with Geek Photographer, who ironically used the term “big camera” to refer to his… well business. Guess my nickname is more fitting then I thought. I will say that ever since our blunt conversation (see below) I think the friendship has naturally leaned towards more flirtation of the sexual nature.

So I found out a coworker has been spying on me. And yes, not in a good way. A coworker I actually have had a lot of troubles with… her work ethic and abilities suck. Apparently she’s been taking more time to see what’s on my screen then doing her own work. How did I find out about this? Oh, well my new supervisor asked me today if I was happy about moving so this coworker wouldn’t have the opportunity to check out all the personal stuff I was doing. I knew she was doing it, but I hadn’t realized how big of an issue it was! She would even make eye gestures to my supervisor to indicate I was yet again doing something unwork-related who in turn would tell her to mind her own work-related business! I’m just glad he knows I’m a good worker. Though when he told me she made eye gestures I seriously had daydreams about beating her head up against her cubicle wall. Brutal I know… But I’ve never mentioned this woman, and well this is not something I can truly vent about on my public blog because I’ve already had people at my work twist my words around even when I didn’t mean harm by them! I can only handle so much though. Since this new supervisor has signed on I have noticed he’s picked up on my coworkers issues right away. He sympathizes with me. He gets annoyed with her. Before he came along I desperately struggled to even be cordial with this coworker. Now, knowing I’m not alone in my annoyances, has honestly helped me take a step back and relax about my frustrations with her. Though today when I heard that… well it was hard NOT to get all frustrated all over again. Ok… so enough venting… I think I should just send this post out.

Below was written last night

Fresno - Out of the blue Fresno contacted me and said he plans on coming down to So Cal and wants to get together. I asked him when and he said he didn't know but he wanted it to be soon... Maybe the next couple of weeks. Of course I will probably meet up with him but I'm still so surprised especially with how things happened last time and I will NOT let it get to that point again.

Geek Photographer - Well we had an... um... interesting conversation last week. We got on the subject that I like guys with a bit of geek to them and I freely admitted that there was an attraction on my part towards him. His first response was "awkward" in a sarcastic tone. Then he asked why this was the first he'd ever heard of it and I replied well this isn't something that one just blurts out (kind of like I just did hehe), then he played the cocky game and said he knew it. I decided to inform him it wasn't all along! That it was after getting to know him, the ease of our friendship and well other things that I think brought about the attraction. And he said he could tell me when it started. Sure enough he got the timeline right. I told him that Computer Geeks teasing started well before my attraction. I made sure to let him know it wasn't like I expected anything to happen with him and he was like "well good". Little punk... So I decided to push the issue, I asked him point blank if he was attracted to me. He then pretended he had to go, hemmed and hawed and said that I already knew he didn't answer personal questions. So I asked him what the big deal was, why not admit it. This is where things got a bit awkward, for me at least... He said that its because *he's* the one in a relationship. I told him that ok I could understand that but whether or not he's attracted its not like it's going to change anything to which he replied no one expects it to but well that's how relationships always start. The light switch turned on, obviously he answered my question without answering it. But not only that, he answered in a way that I thought made the situation more serious then it needed to be. I backed off. Told him I understood where he was coming from and then went on to talk about other things.

Though he did tease me about Computer Geek. At some point in the conversation I was explaining how I think our common interest in photography made for a natural attraction. He asked if that was code, that I liked his camera better then Computer Geeks. Then said that he couldn't wait to tell Computer Geek that I thought his camera was bigger and liked his more then Computer Geeks!!! Yes, what have I done?

Computer Geek - Awesome and adorable as usual. He said some really sweet things last week when I was pretty down. He knows there's a new girl coming into my department and he asked if she hot and when I told him yes, that she was a great candidate to be his future ex-girlfriend he asked if I would be sad to no longer be the only one... How adorable is that?! I shared with him my insecurities and as much as he said he's not good with the silly girlie stuff he was really sweet about his response.

Its odd though... With as much as I lust after Computer Geek, one would think that I would have obsessed more about him telling me I was pretty and the comment he made about me and the new girl then about Geek Photographers response to my point blank question of whether or not he was attracted to me. I mean there is something about Computer Geek that is just sexy. As far as I'm concerned he's... well hot! Sadly, his pictures just don't do him justice. Anyways, last week I did have a hard time letting go of Geek Photographers response. I guess because it made me feel that he'd thought about a relationship forming far more then I ever had. And that if he would have just freely stated his attraction to me and followed it up with the fact that it didn't change the fact that he was already in a relationship then it would have been kind of laid back, more casual. Who knows... I'm an overanalyzer by nature. So I've probably read WAY too much into it as it is.

Washington - Called me out of the blue Friday on my work number just to start my weekend out right. He even sent me a text this morning. Called me Saturday at like 1am! Crazy guy.

Burbank - is just a miserable guy. He loves blasting women. Takes pride in it actually. Not sure what’s up with him lately. He’s been making more of an effort with the friendship, calling, asking about my life and what’s going on, stating that he wished I lived closer so we could spend more time together. All the while, I’m keeping him at arms length just because I’ve been blasted by him before, it’s a pattern, a horrible one at that… I don’t want that. I don’t need that right now.

Touchy Feely - Went out of state for a while. It was kind of nice. He never really called or talked to me. Now suddenly that he’s on his way back to Cali he’s calling and messaging more often. Ugh! I don’t want to have to keep avoiding his advances.

So is it wrong that I flirt with (even fantasize about) a boy who’s 11 years my junior? Don’t worry, he’s legal. Just barely! Our friendship was more like he was my adopted little brother but the older he’s gotten the more non-related the dynamic of our relationship is. We no longer refer to each other as “little brother” and “sis”. He calls me “Good Lookin” and I call him “Cutie”. He’s made comments that make me believe he’s struggling to be good. Usually it’s only because other people are around. Here I am thinking, how in the world can I allow myself to visualize ANYTHING happening with this kid?! Though he’s a really good lookin kid!

Anyways, guess this was a post about getting stuff off my chest. Things that I haven’t ever written down! Now it’s time for bed.

Thoughts... btw Happy Birthday Computer Geek

2008-07-04T01:01:00.000-07:00

Computer Geek - So it’s Computer Geeks birthday today. Happy Birthday Computer Geek! Actually it’s more like yesterday. He actually knows about this blog. I broke down and let him know the address… Just gave it right over to him. He says it’s because he’s my favorite… And well he’d be right. In all honesty I believe he read it that initial time, maybe a few posts and will probably never visit again. But this reminds me of something I did back in 6th grade. I had the hugest crush on “Hunk-of-babe”… Even then I had nicknames for my crushes. Either way, hunkofbabe came over to my house and went through my stuff and found my journal. Not that I hid it very well. The journals first page had descriptions of my little 6th grade feelings for him. And so rather then being all embarrassed by it, after a moment of blushing I went straight up to him and said something like… I like you. So what? I’m not afraid to admit it.

Computer Geek has known that I’ve been crushing on him. I believe I shared the phrase “ginormous crush”. He might not have known the degree of my crush. Or maybe he could have thought I was just teasing him. And to some extent I was. I have said it to him and on this blog: I truly adore him. He’s a total cutie in every sense of the word! Yet I know that’s it. I’m still completely intrigued by him. I still want to get to know him more. I will eventually learn all that his sick and twisted mind is into!

Colorado - I’ve been thinking a lot about the past relationships I’ve had. Sometimes I forget how serious things got with Colorado! We even talked about me moving out there. There were times I even wondered if he cared, but looking back I know he really did, at least as much as he could at the time. Yes, he is getting married at the end of this month. And our relationship ended a little over a year ago.

Ex - I spoke with my ex the day before last. He sent me a quick email which I replied with just an exclamation and he showed up online asking how I was doing. He’s counting down the days to his wedding so he seems happy. We somehow got on the subject of his fiancé and how she feels about me. And this is what he said “I think she's still all about the live and let live”… “now that we're getting married though, I think that'll ease up.” So as I sat there pondering what that meant he said he had to run off to catch his flight home. First of all my first instinct to the phrase “live and let live” is let bygones be bygones. How does this need to be eased up on? I asked a few people. Most didn’t think he understood what the phrase “live and let live” meant. Computer Geek said the problem wasn’t the phrase but that his fiancé was even having to think it, is the problem.

Again I overanalyzed it and came to this thought… I have a feeling she doesn’t like that he and I are still friends. Especially knowing how serious we were. In her mind I think she feels like ok why don’t you just go live your life and we’ll live ours. (this could be what he means by live and let live) He has shared that she is frustrated with our friendship and she doesn‘t understand why we stay in touch. In my mind though what friendship? We don’t talk on the phone. We barely chat. We’re more like acquaintances whom were intimate at one time. Lots of people have done that. I’m not saying I want to be her friend but as much as I feel love for my ex, it’s more love for what we were, not who we are now… I don’t want him back. I know he’s where he needs to be.

All that to say I’m still as confused as when he said it. I don’t know when I’ll talk to him again. It may or may not be before the wedding. One morning I was getting ready and it hit me that I’m not sad he’s getting married. I feel like I’ve truly let go.

Vegas - If you remember, he is the fuckably hot one. He’s anxious to meet up. He asked me when I was available to spend a couple days with him. So I told him about my business trip out there in September. He also knows I will have my own room. On top of which my supervisor is having us stay longer then the convention just so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced. This all works out to my benefit of meeting up with him. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. Another part remembers the disappointment of Fresno. I don’t want another one of those. It’s a few months away so we’ll see how I feel then.

Anyways, enough of my rant… It’s late and I am getting sleepy. I know there was more that I wanted to share but my eyes are crossing… A good sign it’s time for bed.

Discouragement + Emotional = :-(

2008-06-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

As I drove into work this morning I noticed I had a pretty vacant expression on my face, a stark contrast from the usual grin ear-to-ear as I contemplate the most recent amusing moment. My day hasn't helped. I'm moody. Ready to cry, scream, whatever. Discouraged + emotional = sad.

This was written Friday... quite a change from today... But I'm still posting it.

sadist/masochist

2008-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying I'm either. I just watched the film "Secretary" by Computer Geeks recommendation. I'm intrigued by this relationship-style. I can't say I know why Computer Geek recommended it, whether he's opening up about the kind of lifestyle he's into or if he just thought it was a good flick, which it was.

I'm a little hesitant to be honest in my post. Only because google has outdone themselves! A while back I gave him (Computer Geek) two lines to this blog so he can attempt to find it and if you pasted it into google search it could not locate the blog. Sadly I attempted this on Friday after my last post and poof * "Clandestine" becomes no longer clandestine! I have no idea if he's figured this out and it makes me nervous to be honest about his lifestyle only because some of the secrecy is out if he and another person know about this blog and have yet to share with me. I respect his privacy. I respect him.

So back to this movie. Is it a clear representation of what a dominant/submissive relationship is like? It seemed romantic. And with my very little understanding of sadist/masochist relationships I never could comprehend the draw. Unless this movie is a valid representation of it then I can see how people are drawn to it.

Anyways, just a quick entry on a subject I didn't feel comfortable posting to my normal blog.

Men...

2008-06-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. Another post about the confusing men in my life. This sounds horrible but Computer Geek is getting laid and I'm jealous! Though I'm not into the kinky stuff he's into it still sucks just knowing he's out there getting laid and I haven't had sex or any form of physical affection in ages! heh Computer Geek and I have come to an understanding of what type of relationship we have. We both enjoy flirting but know it would never go any further. It's been A LOT of fun. I was concerned when he told me his "friend" was coming out to stay with him for a month. I thought it might change the way he treats me since I'm pretty sure this is his future girlfriend. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

Geek Photographer - Well I was right in thinking my feelings would change. He pushed me to a point that I thought about dropping him altogether. I read how I felt about him and I miss those feelings. I lost the ability to feel safe to be myself with him. He started teasing me... A LOT! Since I started to care about him, it impacted me more then it probably should have. I became angry and frustrated, which then in turn stopped me from being myself. For a good week or two I really just wanted to drop him but still couldn't walk away from the friendship. Finally I broke down and confronted him in an email. His response was short and didn't really have any bearing on how I felt but I think just getting it off my chest really helped aleviate the need to make sure he was ok with me. Since then things are back to normal. I finally got my head out of my ass and decided that if he didn't like me for who I am he wasn't worth having in my life. Oddly I know he likes me (friend or otherwise) and the teasing is his way of "chasing the girls around the playground" as Computer Geek puts it. And it makes a lot of sense.

Burbank - I broke down and called him a couple weekends ago and we had an absolutely fantastic conversation! And the following week he called me just to say hello! So things are good. I know he's stressed about his lack of job and it makes him a pretty depressing person to talk with. But when I called him he was surprisingly honest about where he's at emotionally. And it helped me have more grace for his situation.

Older Guy - Offered to let me stay at his place while he was back East visiting his family and then accidentally locked me out of the house. It was quite entertaining. But he felt horrible. He cleaned out the spare room for me and everything. He wants me to help him with his new business venture. I've told him I'd be glad to help out on the weekends I'm free. He's turning out to be a good friend. I no longer have the physical attraction I did early on in our friendship. And it's been a good year since we've been friends. It's kind of cool.

Washington - He and I had a bit of a unique text conversation a little over a week ago. We've always done the sexual inuendos but this was full on sex texting. I feel a bit awkward about it now only because it's obvious this wasn't the first time he thought about doing stuff with me. hehe I should have known. It's opened a new avenue to our relationship. I know we're both curious about what it's going to be like to meet up in person, especially after this.

Well I'm off

Slightly Surprised

2008-05-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

So someone has taken me by surprise. I am not sure what to think about these feelings. He was a new employee where I work. He only worked with us for 3 months. Wednesday was his last day. And I'm actually kind of sad and these are the feelings in which I'm surprised by.

He started out a guy I enjoyed talking to about photography. Computer Geek kept teasing me about him. Telling me this guy has a crush on me and that I should go for him. I thought he was just being silly. So what is a good nickname for him? Geek Photographer probably suits him best.
Geek Photographer - He has wormed his way into my affections and I'm not sure how. I've analyzed this a lot (as I do most things) and can only come up with the conclusion that I enjoy how he makes me feel. Something in his personality. The way that I can be truly myself around him and still feel he wants to get to know me more. He's genuinely a happy upbeat guy and I haven't met too many men like that. His attitude is contagious. I no longer worry about others around me when I'm with him. I just enjoy his friendship. Or is it more then that? He has a long distance relationship and I find myself jealous. That's just odd. I'm still trying to narrow down the true feelings.

He's moved near the beach and we talk in absolutes that we'll hang out and take pictures again. We went on a photography trip the week before he left and I think the easyness of the day, the fact that we didn't run out of interesting things to talk about, has left me longing for more. Is this just a great friendship and I don't know the difference? We've chatted every day since and he seems genuinely interested in keeping the friendship going.

I feel so silly. Like in two months I'll realize how foolish this post sounds. He's 5 years younger then me! What's with the young ones? Another one whom I'm not sure if I've EVER mentioned, whom I'll call Fresno is another tale to tell.

Fresno - (Don't mix him up with Northern Cali, two different guys) Another young one with a 5 year age difference. I met Fresno through work when I first started. I started in the fall two years ago and he quit a month after I started. Not giving us a lot of time to form a friendship but somehow we did. Probably because it didn't matter his age he was definitely eye-candy. We emailed randomly now and then. He made efforts to visit me when he was down in the area. Well a couple of weeks ago he mentioned he would be down in So Cal and asked me to hang out with him. It was quite a drive so he offered to have me stay at his hotel room and drive to work the next morning giving us more time to hang out. I wasn't sure what to think. In my head I felt there was no chance for anything more then friendship just because I couldn't imagine him being interested in me physically.

Lets spare the details and say that the evening was a lot of fun and when it came time to go to bed, neither of us could sleep. Before I realized it things got physical, but only for his benefit. In the end he got off and I was left wondering what the fuck just happened. We talked it through yet I still felt completely and utterly used and not so much pissed off as frustrated.

I've analyzed that entire evening to death. Was he really just that big of an asshole? Does his culture make him feel it's ok to use women like that? Was he inexperienced? Or as someone put, was I his play thing and he got what he wanted? I gave up trying to figure it out. We've emailed once since the incident. That isn't saying much, we never emailed on a consistent basis. The friendship has changed but I'm sure it'll go back to normal in time.

Computer Geek - He's still my main crush. I adore him. As much as I fantasize about him, I doubt anything would ever come of it. We have lots of fun teasing and playing with each other. He's also a good friend. Like I said in the beginning of this post, he thinks Geek Photographer has a thing for me. He also knows about Fresno as of this afternoon. Even though I think he suspected something happened between Fresno and me, I think he was quite surprised when I shared what took place. Maybe had a little bit of a different view of me. Which I'm not sure is such a good thing. He knows I'm a freak but I think he also sees me as innocent, which I pretty much am. But the incident with Fresno puts a little crimp in my angelic behavior... I went hoping for something to happen, it did and it was a major dissapointment. Computer Geek knows when it comes to what I threaten to do to him, it's all talk if it actually came down to it. Though out of all of them I think I'd have the most fun with him... There's friendship and I believe sexual attraction, great combination for sex.

Fresno was more like an aquaintence with sexual attraction. Not a good combo. Geek Photographer isn't much with the sexual attraction but there is a connection that would make for a fun time.

Washington - He's a sweetie! We both feel a connection and have a mutual attraction but we're both just not worried about what that means. That might change when we actually meet face-to-face for the first time. He has my call back tone set to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua... I wasn't sure if I should take offense, like I'm a ditzy blond or something but he assures me its all good. hehe

Older Guy - Just had a jump start to doing his business full time for a while. He got let go from his job so now he can focus 100%. We haven't been able to hang out that much. But we're still cool. The crush on my end has definitely died down.

Northern Cali - Not to be confused with Fresno is definitely a great friend. I was surprised at how much he's leaned on my friendship in the last few months to help him deal with some of the stress and frustrations going on in his life. I was surprised to find out I was one of the only friends he confided in, but was pleasantly surprised.

Vegas - Did I ever mention him? Wow... This is a crazy story. I went to a concert in Vegas and this cute guy behind me asked for the pictures I was taking. I gave him my number and honestly believed that to be the only reason he wanted my number. My friends knew otherwise. This happened a few years back. He's hot! Like fuckable hot! Turns out he really liked me, for the longest time he made comments about wanting to be with me. He and I have yet to see eachother since the concert but have spent time on webcam chats, I'm sure you know where that led. We've text quite a bit... Took a moment to send him a text. It's been a while since we've talked. I know if I meet up with him it'll mean sex. Or at least a great makeout session depending on the circumstances of our visit.

Burbank - He and I had a falling out so to speak. I have pretty much written him off as a friend. Lately I've been feeling the need to contact him but not enough to actually go through with it. I'm tired of his crap and how he treats me. He's a miserable human being and tends to make everyone around him more miserable. Ok so I'm not ready to make an effort to be his friend. I still need time.

Touchy Feely - Well after he got the hint I stopped caring to make an effort to be his friend. He was full of drama. He was sometimes worse then a girl. Always making comments about how I'd never date him but he could see himself with me, etc. It got old after a while.

Colorado - Still great friends. He is officially getting married the same day my ex is. We don't chat nearly as much but I still value him as a friend and as someone who taught me a lot about myself.

Summary - Boy there have been a lot of men lately. I'm curious as to what the future holds. I still think Computer Geek will leave a lasting impact. Geek Photographer hasn't been a big part of my life just yet. I think he has the potential but it could really go either way. Well I think this post has given me some perspective on the men in my life. It'll be interesting to see where it all ends up.

¿

2008-02-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm thoroughly enjoying life. I'm still as confused as ever about the men in my life.

Colorado - Just informed me yesterday that he proposed to his girlfriend and that his wedding is possibly going to be the same day as my ex! But I'm really happy for him.

Burbank - Invited me over for Valentine's Day. Made me dinner. Even bought me a gift. But almost seemed to go out of his way NOT to make any physical contact! hehe No clue what to think of this guy.

Washington - Totally adorable. Sent cute messages on Valentines Day. Even sent a picture of a bouquet of roses since he knew no one else sent me anything, which I think he was quite surprised about actually. I look forward to meeting him in person.

Computer Geek - Has suddenly peaked my interest above all the others (at this moment in time), I switch my crushes easily. But lately he's been really sweet. I even gave him a hint to the name of this blog. Not sure if he ever found it. I'm pretty confused. He was teasing me about a new guy in the office and how I should hook up with him. I asked if he wanted me to stop flirting and he said I don't flirt with him. I realized then that he really had no clue I went out of my way to get to know him.

Touchy Feely - Has finally gotten the hint I think.

Older guy - Been kinda MIA but has picked up in the last day or so. The girl he's seeing in Arizona was going to come out for Valentine's Day and they got into an argument. He says it's over. I say she'll still keep coming back for some reason. I know he's charismatic.

This post was ready to publish with minor finishes so here it is, posted late... (It says it was posted 2/20/08 but that's when it was started and never published, I'm publishing it today 3/12/08)

Why oh why?

2008-02-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

So I'm STILL crushing on the older guy. Well I go through stages, days where I could care less and days where I wonder why the heck he hasn't made his move. He enjoys my friendship, I know this. I think he likes me and even wonders "what if?".

He calls me last night to give me a heads up on his stressful weekend. When I show empathy he tells me he hasn't even shared what's going on with "arizona" as he calls her. He tells me with dread that she's coming out, no if-ands-or-buts about it, and that he blatantly told her he has to work and then complains about how he's going to have to hide this new business plan he's working on. (Long story. I'll try to sum it up below.) It doesn't hit me till after our conversation that no wonder she's not taking "no" for an answer! It's the week of Valentines Day!

Sum Up: He's taking a chance to start his dream carreer. Apparently he's attempted it before but technology wasn't where it is today. He's doing well and it looks like it's moving further along then before. Though he has not told "arizona" about it because he feels she will put the idea down or something. Yet, he will call me multiple times in a day with the tiniest updates.

This seems like an odd dynamic for a relationship, at least a healthy one, which this appears not to be. I shouldn't be surprised. He's older, never been married, maybe this is the reason? He keeps people at arms length. He's intimate with her. He's open with me. I think I'd prefer the intimacy. hehe Honestly I care about him. If he were to kiss me, I'd kiss back. Yet I'm not willing to gamble and make that move.

Ever since I shared with him I was interested in him physically he's invited me over to his place a lot more. Has even invaded my personal space more and more. He seems to take his time with things. I sometimes wonder if making a move is one of them.

I flirt with him still. Even send him little pickup lines, or tease him about wanting me. He gets a kick out of it, then tells me I can be a trip. Now how does one take that? I'm still not sure.

Beware!

2008-01-18T12:44:00.000-08:00

Beware! This post is not for the faint hearted. hehe I'm in a foul mood. I know it's pms but there is a lot going on in my brain. I can never write about these topics on my personal blog because well I just don't want to whine that much. I'm usually a happy person, content and pretty much ALWAYS smiling.

Today... not so much. I'm struggling. I'm discouraged. I have a problem. I am a people pleaser through and through. This causes problems with the relationships in my life because I never tell people how I truly feel because I don't want them to be mad at me or not like me anymore. Then I end up resenting the people because I'm stuck dealing with emotions they have no clue I'm dealing with. Even now, I'm not willing to post this topic on my personal blog because I don't want people to know I'm frustrated. Hmmm... Maybe I will post this on my personal blog as well. Just to get past this constant need to make sure everyone is ok with me. The thing is I'm not ok with everyone! I'm angry and hurt. I feel taken advantage of. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm always the one that has to make the effort.

I sat down and talked with my coworker this morning. He's a good friend. He mentioned some things that I think is the root of my problem. I settle for being treated less then a princess. He didn't say so, it's just the conclusion I came to when he stated that if I didn't feel like I was being treated like a princess I should walk away from these relationships and my first response was I couldn't imagine walking away. Of course I explain them away, they aren't relationships, we aren't officially dating so do I really have a reason to be so upset. The thing is, there is something more then friendship there, yet I feel like I'm the one getting the short end of the stick. I know I'm valuable. I know I'm worth pursuing. Then why is it that I do all the work? Why do I feel like I'm treated like it's an honor to be in *their* presence? This people pleaser thing is a BIG issue! It makes me settle for less, put up with more. How do I get out of this habitual behavior? I know at one point I felt cherished. When will I feel that again?

My coworker talked about the day he first met his wife. Their eyes locked and he knew! He just knew! Isn't that awesome? I mean you hear about stories like that but sometimes it makes you wonder, is it real? Could it really happen?

Part of me is so frustrated with how I get treated I want to write everyone off. Never make the first move. If they want to call me, then let them call me. If they want to pursue me, they can pursue me. If they want to chat, start a conversation. I'm done! I'm pissed! How the hell am I supposed to be nice to one of these guys in question tonight without biting off his head? Poor guy won't know what hit him. I've been so quiet for so long. I've held my tongue. To some extent I don't feel I could get a word in edgewise. He's too busy rattling on about himself. It's hard to say let him pursue me when he does most of the calling. I just don't feel like it's about me at all. It's about him and his need to feel heard. He's getting something out of this and I'm left silently screaming.

So could it get any worse? I was about ready to post this when I spoke to my supervisor about switching up my lunchbreaks to match with my coworker (the one I referred to above) and I so we could continue to do our traditional friday wahoo lunches and was then asked if his wife knew about these traditional friday lunches!? WTF!? He's a friend! Nothing more is going on! ARGH! I seriously do feel like I need a good scream! FUUUUCK!

Recap of the men in 2007

2008-01-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

Recap of the year in men - friends or otherwise...

Colorado - is currently seeing/living with someone. Oddly our friendship has survived our mini-relationship and time. I am happy to say we chat almost every day and he still has a good impact in my life. He seems to value my friendship which is something I wondered about from time-to-time.

Burbank - I don't believe I've mentioned him yet. He and I have known each other for years. We were each others first "online" to "in-person" friendship. Because he lives in an odd location we only get to hang out a few times a year. This year I found myself more physically attracted to him then ever. I'd always had a suspicion that he liked me too but there were reasons I never allowed myself to think more of it. Well he showed up to my surprise birthday party in September and the connection was undeniable. Over the next month we talked about our attraction and the confession on each of our part, wondering what that would mean the next time we hung out, which has yet to happen.

In fact, for some reason after that he has turned into a giant asshole! No joke! I have yet to figure out what crawled up his butt (and died) to make him such a rude individual. He called 15 minutes into the new year to wish me a Happy New Year but it was almost like he regretted calling me the moment he dialed my number. I have a feeling (based from his past relationships) he doesn't like acting on his feelings unless forced and I will not force him. I guess after my birthday I thought if we could make a more consistent schedule of seeing each other we may have a chance to see where our mutual attraction goes. I think I was forcing it and the dynamic of our friendship doesn't allow for that. I will let it go back to seeing each other every few months and be ok with that.

Washington - is a guy I met through work. We talked almost daily until his company switched providers but we had already exchanged numbers and talk every month or so. Last night I talked to him and one thing I enjoy about his personality is that I'm usually laughing so hard I'm crying. He's non-stop goofball. There have been times it's too much but when I haven't talked to him in a while he can truly lift my spirits. He tends to ask about my relationship status a lot. He seems intrigued that I've been dating a lot of men that aren't Christians. He knows how much my beliefs mean to me. I look forward to the time he comes down here and we can meet in person.

Computer Geek - is the one who attempted to locate my secret blog. He and I flirt. I'm still attracted to him but he's turning into a good friend. I enjoy his company and he throws out little things to encourage me.

Touchy/Feely - is a guy that I could be in a relationship with right now if I wanted. He scares me a little bit. The reason is that he reminds me so much of the men I have dated and I could see myself slipping into a relationship just because it's comfortable and I'm lonely. He doesn't have a relationship with God. I've been there. I can't do it again.

In fact, out of all the men I have been dating, Burbank is the one closest to fitting with the values I want in a man (odd that he can also be the biggest asshole too).

So, I've shared with Touchy/Feely that I've thought about having sex with him. He couldn't make a coherent sentence for at least 5 minutes after that! Apparently my boldness took him back. I told him that as much as I've thought about it there were reasons I would never allow myself to.

Northern Cali - recently came down for a visit. Another guy I’ve been friends with for years. I’ve known him longer then Burbank but Northern Cali is a lot further away then Burbank so we had our first in-person meeting last March. I was surprised he went out of his way to meet up with me this last month. He’s a great guy. He was visiting friends in Hollywood and was willing to drive inland to meet me on my lunch break, then even said it was worth the drive and he’d make sure to make plans to meet up with me the next time he’s down in my area.

Older Guy- has turned out as quite a surprise actually... I had given up on any form of relationship happening with him. I found out he was seeing a girl in Arizona that he failed to mention whenever I'd ask him about relationships. hehe I honestly think he was still trying to figure out "our" chances. He still calls me daily. I have been helping him with a new business venture he's working on. His business took him to Hawaii for a New Years celebration out there. I didn't expect to hear from him because I knew he'd be running frantic to get everything done, yet I found myself missing his frequent calls, I had gotten used to them. To my pleasant surprise, he called me yesterday to wish me a Happy New Year and to thank me for all the stuff I've done for him in 2007. I felt special that he chose to call. He didn't need to, nor did I expect it. I also got a text from him last night wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know his project went well.

In all actuality I'm not sure why it means so much to me. I guess reading back through my few posts last year, the one thing that was consistent in my frustration is feeling like I don't mean much to the people in my life. The end of the year evaluation hasn't changed my outlook on that. In fact I plan on taking more time for me, rather then concerning myself with others and their feelings. This Older Guy just happens to be the one that consistently goes out of his way to make me feel cared for.

I admitted to him two days prior to his trip that if I were into one-night stands I'd be asking if he'd be interested. I was quite shocked at my bravery and am still unsure of what I felt it would accomplish to admit that to him since I know I'm not someone that can do a one-night stand. His response still surprises me! He admitted to being attracted but that the girl in Arizona was making him hesitate on his temptation to go through with it. He said our age difference is a big deal to him but that he sees me as mature for someone my age. Yet, I truly expected not to hear from him with my confession, or for him to pull away. The reason being is that my supervisor who is closer to his age really liked him and pursued him and he was turned off by it. It got to the point of ignoring her calls. He said the reason was that she seemed like the type of girl to just want a one-night stand. Yet my confession of wanting a one-night stand seems to have had NO affect at all, in fact it seems that he has gone out of his way to make sure I know he still values me as a friend. This has been the surprising twist to our friendship.

Summing up - There are more men but these are the ones with the biggest impact in my life for the 2007 year. So my brother has said he's swearing off all women for 6 months. I'm not sure that I can swear off all men, I’m too much of a flirt. But I have wondered if I lost all these men in my life, would I be devastated? ... No. But out of all the men I think the Older Guy would be the one I'd miss the most. I won’t push all these men out of my life but I do plan on making more of an effort to do things for me and not worry about pursuing friendships with the above men. In reviewing this list I have a feeling most of these men will stick around in the coming years. Though I will put less pressure on them to be more then they are and I will make new relationships.

2007-12-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Well it's Christmas time again. I haven't posted here for a while. Of course everything has changed. I'm not exactly sure where to go with this post. There is a guy looking for this blog, at least he was at one point. I think he's given up. I kind of hope he has because I'm sure he will be discussed in this post.

But I feel its appropriate to discuss the most recent happenings with the ex in which this blog has centered around. I found out the day after Thanksgiving that he proposed to his girlfriend the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. He called me. As much as I wasn't surprised, I was surprised. I am happy for him. But there is a part of me that is left with sadness. I'm guessing it's because part of my heart that I gave him during our relationship is mourning the loss. As cliche as it sounds I am also analyzing the question of "what's wrong with me, why was she someone he could marry and I wasn't?" Well if I think about it, I know he and I were never meant to marry. I did love him. Even a few posts down I talked about how we even talked about marriage, but him being in a different state (literally) changed things.

I'm moody today. Feeling pretty down. Alone. A bit rejected. Not sure why. Yesterday I had to tell a guy I just started seeing that I was uncomfortable with the amount of affection he was giving me considering we aren't together. He is a bit too touchy feely for me. He was nice enough about it, but I could tell he was a bit discouraged and dissapointed. I enjoyed his attention. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just scared of getting too close.

I think I need to get outside... Go for a walk... Journal... I wish I wasn't at work and I could just plug in my iPod and get lost in the lyrics to the songs. I think I'm in the mood to be a bit of a martyr today.

A lot has changed

2007-08-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I've looked at a couple posts that were started but never finished/posted and a lot has changed with the 45 year old. I was a lot more insecure about how he felt about me. We're not dating by any means but the uncertainty of how he feels has gone away. We are friends with a mutual attraction. I'm dating other men but still hoping something more happens with the 45 year old. He's opened up a little about his hesitation to start dating and at this point we're both waiting to see if we're sure it can turn into something substantial before taking any steps in the direction of a relationship. (We've also determined he looks about 38 so quite a bit younger then he actually is.)

He and I have gotten together about once-a-week since our first dinner by ourselves July 19th. It's cute that he calls every couple of days and emails me on the off days so pretty much I hear from him every day. Why is that cute? That's freakin' cute cause I'm crushing. :) Everything is cute then. I can tell for him that's a lot of attention to give someone.

Before all that has happened this last year I would be panicked by any delayed responses. Right now I know I may not talk to him till early next week but I'm ok with that. That's odd for me, or I should say that would be odd for the old me. I guess it's because I'm not insecure with where I stand with him. I know he likes me as a person and that there is an attraction there. Maybe it's also because I don't have any expectations.

I went through a lot between May - September 2006. Then between September 2006 - March 2007 I felt like I did a lot of internal reflection and accepted a lot about myself which in turn made it easier to change a lot! I think there is a confidence that's showing on the outside. I'm genuinely happy with who I am on the inside and out. I'm still surprised at how much attention I've been getting from men in the last year. It wasn't till recently that I started to notice the lineup of men growing. In fact it's pretty safe to say I've had more guys pursue me in the last year then I have had in all the years before combined!

I recently had my very first opportunity for a one-night stand. Yup! For some women this happens all the time, men come onto them at a bar or what-have-you but I've always been a little bit of a late bloomer. It was a security guard at a resort I was staying at. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him but never had the chance to make conversation. I decided to be bold and introduce myself and within moments we had setup a time to meet later. When we did meet up he started kissing me and things got heated rather quickly. I was surprised at myself for allowing it to get so far, he had his hand down my pants. He asked me to fuck him and in that moment I thought about how I felt and I didn't like it. I knew I would regret it and told him... as much as I didn't want to, I had to stop. The surprising thing is, it really was hard to stop! He was nice about it. I could tell he was expecting to get laid and me (being naive) wasn't even thinking about sex when he said he wanted to meet up later! But now that the moment is over I am glad to know I could not go through with it. I'm not wired for one-night stands.

Honestly, it was flattering... I mean I'm sure he might have slept with a lot of women. But ... I was immediately attracted to him. I haven't experienced such a strong mutual physical attraction like that! At least not one that was so obvious to both involved and where we both had to opportunity to do something about it! But like I said, I am glad I found out what I'm capable of, or not capable of in this case.

What do you do!?

2007-07-03T17:10:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my cousin who told me something almost unbelievable. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would still not know what to think about it all! Nevermind, I have seen the information with my own eyes and STILL don't know what to think of it all!

Turns out I have another cousin! My aunt had a baby before she got married, went to stay with my mom of all people and gave the baby up for adoption!!!! There is a website that says my cousins names! All of them! This girl is looking for them. I'm kind of in shock! What do you do? My cousin is in shock. She just found out about it about an hour before she called me!

My aunt is beside herself. Apparently this was a secret she planned on keeping to the grave. And I'm in shock my mom kept this secret as well! I'm surprised my aunt wouldn't tell her own kids now that they are older. But she was miserable and even so devastated that they knew she threatened to do herself harm! She feels she's a horrible mother and just kept saying she really had no intention of them ever finding out.

My other cousin found it when he googled his own name! Right there for the world to see! His name and the name of his two sisters... The girl telling them not to be afraid to contact her because they have another sister! This type of stuff happens on Lifetime, not in real life!

Anyways, I'm sworn to secrecy, even from my immediate family! I can understand why. I mean let them take care of it and get used to the idea before it becomes public knowledge for the whole family. But obviously my mom knows about it. I guess they haven't told my other cousin. The brother and sister three-way called their mom (my aunt) and confronted her with it. The other sister may not take it so well. So the cousin that called me isn't sure how to address that whole situation of telling her. Though she knows she needs to.

This is just odd. This type of stuff doesn't happen in our family. Well we didn't think it did anyways! Why is it that back in the day they were so good at keeping secrets and nowadays everyone knows everything. I guess it was more taboo? Honestly if I were to get pregnant before marriage it would be just as devastating! Small towns and such, somehow kept good secrets! haha

I laugh but with my mouth fully dropped open. I'm still in shock! I have another cousin out there! What a trip! I wonder how this will all come out. I'm dying to talk to people about it. But for now I'm going to respect my cousins wishes and just share it on my anonymous blog... Cause I gotta put it out somewhere!

Crushing ... again

2007-06-27T10:32:00.001-07:00

So here I go again... crushing... on a customer! The 45 year old and I have been talking on a more regular basis outside of the work and on a more personal level. We have not gotten together since our initial business dinner with my supervisor. But last week he said he'd like to go to dinner when he got back in town. He got back Monday and of course I knew this meant that he'd probably want to go out this weekend but I can't since I'm getting minor surgery and will be out of the office tomorrow till Monday. Knowing I'd be out of commission I asked if he wanted to meet up with me last night. He had a business thing he had to go to but said he would love to take me out to dinner and the movies. So we're planning to do that next week sometime. He seemed genuinely dissapointed that he wasn't able to meet up with me, even like he was trying to calculate a way to skip his current plans to meet up with me. But I encouraged him to do what he had to do and we'd get together another time.

I'm not sure what to feel about it all. I am crushing on him. It's funny though, last thursday I finally stopped worrying so much and just realized he'd be a great friend, nevermind the fact that I keep having sexual fantasies about him and I, but he is someone I enjoy talking to. Since I've let go, it seems that he's called on a fairly regular basis. I read my last entry and one of my biggest pet peeves with men these days is feeling like I'm the only one making the efforts. Well I don't feel I've had to make the efforts with him.

We've had a couple more opportunities to talk about his religious beliefs. And it looks like he has some but I haven't been able to define what his comments mean. He is a talker. Which I like. It'll be interesting to see where this goes.

Just writing some thoughts

2007-06-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

It's quite amazing how fickle we can be, isn't it? I have gotten to the point of not wanting to make any efforts in the relationships in my life. I don't want to struggle to keep a friendship alive. I don't want to feel like I am the only one that cares. I am referring to one person in particular but in actuality it fits for all the people in my life at this time. There are the long term relationships which have withstood the test of time. But then there are the more recent friendships that I'm tired of feeling like I'm an annoyance rather then an enjoyment. Or in this particular case, I have to make the first attempt that may or may not be responded to. When it's responded to things are good, if not then I'm left feeling a little disappointed not to be interesting enough to be responded to. haha um... ok...

As I'm typing this I realize my perspective is off. Really, my mentality is all wrong. Why does it have anything to do with me? But this particular friend has a new "project" to fill up his time. By "project" I mean someone he can devote his thoughts to. He gets into these passions and most are fairly short-lived and unfinished. Sadly I was one of his "projects" at one time. I haven't been considered a "project" for a little while and I have noticed the slow decline in interest because he enjoys that challenge or intrigue of the "project". Well he has a new "project" and I have been put further back on the burner for now.

Though because of where I am, I care but not enough to make the effort to try to fit into his interests again. I don't think I can, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I even want to. But as I think about how I feel about this particular individual I realize this is my mentality in most relationships in my life right now. It's not just him. I want to be pursued. I want to feel valuable. I want to click without feeling the need to make a connection happen. I guess I really don't want friendships to be any work.

Again that mentality is slightly wrong because all friendships/relationships take work. I guess it's just where I'm at right now. I guess it's stages. But these stages seem to be more permanent outlooks rather then only temporary. I guess you do change as you get older. I hope I'm not too weird. hehe I haven't turned 30 yet!

Speaking of changing my outlooks... A 45 year old customer took me out to dinner Friday night and to be completely honest I put some thought into pursuing something with him. I was also with my supervisor but I felt the connection he and I shared pretty strongly. Though I did have a margarita and I'm not used to drinking so that could have been part of it. hehe He's a great guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I definitely hope we can get together again. Though I'm not sure what will happen. I know he thought I looked 23! LOL! I thanked him but I'm still thinking a couple months away from being 30 is still a big age difference. I actually hope to hear from him. This is odd for me.

Choices

2007-05-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling like I have been living life with no focus. And I have gotten to the point that I want to do something about it. Basically it's come down to the fact that I want to be uncomfortable to get what I want. But since I've come to this conclusion my mind is cluttered with choices. And in a weird turn of events I'm now frozen with fear of making the right choice. I really feel the need to set goals because otherwise I waste away in this comfort zone.

Law of Attraction

2007-05-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm still not used to this concept of having multiple guys showing interest at the same time. I guess it's because in high school it was hard to imagine even one guy liking me at any given point. I've just recently seen the number of men showing interest increased, or maybe it's just that I'm acknowledging them rather then explaining them away. Looking back I'm amazed at how insecure I was in high school and can see how that affected what I attracted or I should say... didn't attract.

Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? Well I'm a fairly new believer in it. I don't quite understand it fully but believe that it is very real! I wonder at times how it is I'm attracting certain things in my life. Other times I can look back and see how my focus attracted certain outcomes. Now it's learning to be aware of how my current focus affects what comes next.

So it's not like these men are falling all over themselves for me. But they are pursuing me. It feels good. But for the most part each of the men don't mean very much to me and have no future or long term compatibility with me. But it has been kind of fun.

It is odd that Colorado still holds such a big part of my heart. I was talking to my friend on the way to work and not that I was talking to him about Colorado but as we talked about stuff I realized how much of my heart I’ve given to Colorado without us even being in an official relationship. Colorado isn’t one of the nicest people in my life. He has stated that if he and I stopped talking he wouldn’t be affected. Whereas I know I would be disappointed.

I’m not sure how I’m going to nickname these guys… My friend that I talked to this morning was well I would call him an ex but we were only together for a month. He recently called and asked me if he was a good kisser. Sadly my memory of his kisses weren’t good. Either way he is currently dating a girl. I’m not sure how long it will last. He seems to be calling and leaning on me more then I would expect a guy to while in a relationship. Last night I talked to him and he had to go and said he’d call back. Circumstances happened that took me away from my cell for about 45 min. I came back to 4 missed calls! Then later that night I left my cell in my room while watching tv in the living room and again was left 4 missed calls!

¿ Attraction ¿

2007-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

Well I did say in my last post I flip flop on my feelings for Colorado. I guess I've flopped. ;) I am still amazed that I can be soooo attracted to him even though he's my friend. I saw a recent picture of Colorado and he's just too adorable. He's just so ... cute. I guess I'm using terms that make it seem like he's cute in a kid sort of way but trust me that's not the case... I am very attracted to him. And it doesn't help that I really do enjoy his personality, even the quirks (Well obviously I like his personality since we're friends). After seeing this recent picture I found myself wishing I was closer, wondering if I lived there would we be in a relationship? I've come to the conclusion (as I have many other times I ponder this, yes, it has been many times hehe) that no... no matter how attracted I am to him, I still have a level of maturity that understands our differences would not make for a good relationship. That the friendship dynamic works for us, a relationship would not. Even though that selfish immature part of me just wants the gratification of getting what it wants. Who's to say Colorado would even give me what I wanted? Well honestly I know he has felt the same, at least at some point. I don't think I've ever experienced this kind of situation with a guy before.

Another new beginning

2007-04-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hello Long Lost World. I'm baaaack!

It's been well over a year since I've written in this anonymous blog. I feel an update is necessary yet part of me feels like just diving into my current life and not reliving the past. But as I know that people who stumble across this blog may want to know the outcome of what I wrote about so much in the past. My ex and I finally broke the codependency bond. It was a tough time but it was the best for the both of us. He was the one to finally break down and tell me he couldn't handle my friendship anymore. It took a few months of not talking on the phone (we still rarely talk on the phone), and getting an email or two a week... Now we're at least back to chatting but even that is once a week if we're lucky. Somehow what I thought was impossible... was more then possible. I've lost interest in him, and we're no longer best friends! It could be because he has a new girlfriend now. But I'm not really interested in going over all that.

I am not dating anyone. And to be completely honest I'm perfectly happy about that! There are two men that currently hold my interest. Ironically enough both live in different states. Maybe I do that because it's safer. I'm not sure. One in Colorado and one in Washington. The one in Colorado has been around longer. He showed up in my life almost the exact moment my ex said he didn't want anything to do with me. There is a mutual attraction between me and (I'll call him) Colorado but I know it's best as it stands. Friends with an understanding if either of us could actually go through with it, we'd be ok having sex... The thing is... neither of us would be able to actually go through with it.

Washington is a new fling. He caught my interest while at work. He is someone I have to work with on a fairly consistent basis. We decided to exchange email addresses and chat info and have been talking on a fairly regular basis. I gave him my number the other day only after he gave me his. I don't believe it'll ever be anything more then a friendship though I do enjoy hearing his voice and his laugh brightens my work day and there is a fair amount of innocent flirting.

I've had more little flings in these last 6 months then I have had in a LONG time ... actually ever! There is a confidence I've gotten and yet I'm thankful I'm not desperate for a relationship because I could be in some pretty pathetic ones right now. I'm enjoying being single. I'm enjoying the freedom of flirting with anyone. I'm enjoying the endless possibilities of who is to come into my life next!

Though I will say Colorado stands far above most. He is the one I will probably talk about most in this anonymous blog. I flip flop on my feelings for him. Some days I am confident that I would not want him in my life any more then he already is, other times I do want him and appreciate him and admire him and even love him... Though sometimes I can't tell if that is just a friendship kind of love. It is possible that the attraction is the only reason I am confused about my feelings towards him. He is a great person and sometimes I'm bummed I don't live closer to him so that we can just hang out and laugh in person rather then over chat and the phone.

Well my eyes are heavy and are crossing so I guess that's a good sign I need to go to bed. I'm not sure how often I will update this blog. I have a lot on my brain I would like to share yet I'm just not sure if I will have the time to update as often as I would like. I don't believe it will be another year before I come back. hehe

Fairytale vs. Reality

2005-12-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

"If this was a fairytale we would get married and we'd move to *undisclosed location* by the end of the month." This is what I was told when I admitted to my ex that I was still 100% completely in love with him and that for what it was worth I wanted him to know before he moved. "But we live in reality" is what came next. I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I actually didn't expect anything. In fact the response I got was surprisingly more positive then I expected. He stated that the best case scenario is we run off and get married and the worst case scenario is he makes fun of me for even feeling that way and us just being friends was somewhere in the middle. He said he felt we were between the upper 1/3 of fairytale ending and just being friends.

Somehow this made my heart soar! I'm even more twitterpated. I can see him being the same. He gives sweet tender looks; he's even more touchy, when he walks by giving me a soft touch on my shoulder or my back and keeps his hand there a little longer then normal.

The problem is ... this is reality. He will be moving at the end of the month. There is no chance for the fairytale ending. Neither of us feels ready for marriage. So we just wait and see. We wait to see how things unfold when he moves. They may not unfold at all.

Sleep Walking?

2005-10-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still not sure what or how it happened. I woke up this morning extremely exhausted. It was still dark, it's always dark when I get up and get ready. For some reason this morning I was seriously having a hard time standing. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I noticed that the big hand was almost past the point of being late and I always try to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 9. I am almost done. I go into my room and go to grab my glasses and other stuff like my cell phone and I noticed the clock said 12:35am! What the....!?! I look at my cell phone. It says the same thing. Holy cow! This can't be right! How in the world did I wake up. I set my alarm for 4:45am! I pressed snooze and everything. Or did I? I started to doubt myself. I started to get creeped out. I started to worry what the hell was I thinking! I have 6 hours before I have to leave for work! I sat at the edge of my bed for a few minutes trying with everything in me to figure out what the heck happened. I gave up. Took off my clothes and tried to go back to sleep without messing up my hair and makeup too bad.

So here I am at work. Tired, zoned and wanting my bed. As much as I'm embarrassed this has happened I've been telling everyone. And some have asked if I'm under a lot of stress or anxious about something. Well last night I got into an argument with my sister. She is still holding onto hope for reconciliation for a husband that according to the bible is NO LONGER her husband. But she is still holding onto hope that some day he will realize the error of his ways and want her back. This thought sickens me. Why would *she* want him back!? And not only that, why is she sitting there hoping he'll want *her* back!? I argued because she was telling me she wasn't holding on and that she was letting go. I told her flat out not to lie to me. Maybe she's just trying to convince herself. But it bugs me that I can hear her lying and she thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it. I love my sister. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be with her husband. He doesn't love her and he won't make her happy. He hasn't seen the error of his ways. In fact he is now only coming around because his girlfriend got sick of his lies and is now moving away. How convenient that he's now suddenly saying "I'm starting to see..... " Bullshit! Starting to see... He should have seen immediately and came crawling back on his knees. Why would he try to pursue my sister? She's already his. And he knows it! I'm saddened by all of this.

I don't mean to make my sister cry. I want to be a support but sometimes I can't handle her viewpoints. I apologized and she's ok with me now. But I'm just sick that she even still cares for him as much as she does. She even is angry herself that she still loves him and wants it to work. But she seems to think that's God giving her an extra dose of love. As far as I can see it's desperation and not God. I could be wrong but a lot has happened. She's even walked in on him and the girl. That made her angry for 2 days. To the point of a divorce. Now she's back to just a legal separation and with how she talks sometimes I question whether or not she's even going to go through with that! The paperwork is in. I pray that it will be completed soon. She tries to be indifferent. I can see that. But then she allows herself to be put into positions where things will happen. I know that feeling. I did/do it with my ex all the time. If I wouldn't mind "slipping up", I stay at his house longer then everyone else. He's the one that has to be strong and hold out otherwise things usually just happen. But I put myself there. If I didn't really want it to happen, I wouldn't stay, I would leave. I at least know this about myself. I don't believe my sister sees this in her situation yet. But even if she does, is she willing to change it? She's already making thanksgiving dinner plans with him and the kids... WHY!? I have no clue.

Anyways, there is so much more but I'm at work and need to get busy.

Clandestine: Kept or Done in Secret

2005-10-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was so proud of the title picked out for my blog. It was the perfect describing word for what I was going to use it for. But something happened last night that irked me! It's so sad that someone that I don't like very much, using a word I appreciate and means so much to me, makes me not want to use the word. It's a great word. But the context of which she used it was really... REALLY annoying. Needless to say, I have gotten over it enough to continue using the word and moving forward. I did feel the need to share it on this blog specifically.

My ex is meeting with his ex Wednesday evening. She is the one who used the word "clandestine" for their meeting which bothered me greatly. My ex is only meeting her so that he can set things straight for the sake of his friend/her brother and have her understand that there is no possible way they could get back together... Now that he and I are not together anymore I believe deep down inside she felt I was the only reason he broke up with her.... I know better but she's been holding onto this hope I believe since the moment I became his girlfriend. Her family had it in their head that I was this whore who seduced him away from her. Until I sat down and explained it to her brother who happens to be a good friend of mine too. I answered a lot of his questions and he realized in the end that they have been basing how they view me on incorrect information. The sad thing is I don’t believe his sister, my ex’s ex, really ever accepted that. I believe because of the abrupt end to their relationship she still feels I was at fault. Anyways, it will be interesting to see what happens with Wednesday and their “clandestine” meeting which isn’t so clandestine since I know about it. ;)

Anyways, onto other updates. My brother-in-law has left my sister, told the kids he no longer loves her and is in love with another woman. My sister is planning on filing for legal separation. And to be honest... that's enough about that. I'm so tired of dealing with it anymore.

My brother officially has a girlfriend. I’ve met her and she’s sweet and adores him which I think is good for him.

My ex and I have gone back and forth with physical affection. We again came to the conclusion that sleeping together is probably not the wisest thing if we’re trying to move on. So we’ve been good for a few weeks now. ;) I’m determined to stay away. The pathetic thing is I read back through this blog and my goodness we have failed plenty of times at staying away from each other for sex. But hey, we try at least. So my goal is to not sleep with him. Whether I’ve failed numerous times I need to keep that goal in my head. I don’t want to just say, “Oh why try, I can never seem to stop myself anyways.” We haven’t been alone in a private place yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Well I should get busy with work, though it seems that everyone in the office is having a bad day. I want steer clear of everyone!